AlterEg0's Journal

[Alter-eg0]

I'm so triggered right now.
I was at work, my shift had ended, and I went downstairs to grab my stuff. I stumbled into the middle of a conversation between my boss and a few colleagues, which ended up being about the pandemic and the current rules in our country. My boss is very opposed to all of it, and that's fine. Another colleague had a different opionion, and my boss somehow felt the need to convince her otherwise by basically (no in these words, but it was implied) calling her naieve etc. She was talking louder and louder, and my colleage was just trying to convey that she saw things differently. My boss, in my opinion, was being rather hypocritical, considering she's always complaining about how people call her crazy for her opinion, and we should be able to agree to disagree, live and let live, whatever. But here she was, doing the exact thing she hates, to her colleague. Anyway, I was standing there, trying to be switzerland as I always do. I don't really care what either opinion is, I do feel that we're all right in our own minds and the thing we're lacking in uor current society is the ability to let various views co-exist without constantly snapping at each other or trying to drag people to "the other side". Anyway, I was standing there and I felt the anxiety creep up and I just had to get out. I looked at my watch, made a remark about that it was about to rain and I had to go, and I left. And now I feel really tight on the inside, and part of me is afraid that my colleague hates me now (for not sticking up for her, or whatever) and that my boss thinks i'm on her side (i'm not on either, but I have a tendency to try and please/appease someone who has authority over me) or will try to get me there.
It reminds me but all too much of living in my family, where my N dad didn't tolerate other views. He's always subtly or less subtly make you choose between losing connection with him, or with yourself. Because there was no room to be true to yourself, and still be connected to someone with another view. I feel hyped up now, and I have a headache.

I'm also waiting on a phonecall. Someone I know from a training I took a few years ago, a fellow coach, sent me a text yesterday. She has a student who is suicidal, and she has a meeting with him later this week. She wanted some advice on how to go about it. That's fine, I know the ropes. But ever since I closed my own coaching practice (partly because corona, partly because of everything else that happened in my private life over the past two years), I can't do anything relating to my business without being triggered. I don't want to open again any time soon, but I also don't want to tell anyone that, let alone tell them why. It's personal, and I can hardly explain it to begin with, even to myself. So i'm nervous, even though theres nothing to be nervous about. I just want to get it over with, so that I can relax a bit this afternoon. I'll need it.

[Jazzy]

I hope you're feeling less triggered by now (I think it was a while ago you wrote this, I'm not sure with these times though). But it's understandable why you would be, with everything you've written here. It's not about me, but I can really relate to a lot of this, so you're not alone in this kind of reaction. Please take care of yourself, you're important too!

With what you ran in to at work, I think that would be difficult for anyone, and most people would do the same as you did - look for a reason to politely exit without getting on one side or the other. I understand you want to support your co-worker, but you don't have to fight everyone's (or even every) battle, and unless you positively affirmed ("yes, I agree") with your boss, they are wrong to take it as such. It sounds very similar to your old home situation, as you described, and it is only natural that you would make such a connection, but you are not a child in your NF's house any more.

I hope things go well with your phone call. That sounds very stressful as well. Even if they are curious, you are not obligated to tell anyone anything if you are not ready to do so. Its understandable to be nervous about it though, setting appropriate boundaries like that is difficult, but rewarding.

I hope you can relax soon. Take care!

[Alter-eg0]

Pffff. Feeling pretty d*mn depressed at the moment.

My emotions are all over the place lately. Or, well, I don't know if that's true. It's more like i'm numb and surviving a lot of the time, and when I get triggered or when I thaw out, I suddenly feel that cascade of anxiety and grief come over me. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have moment's that i'm ok or even feel great. I'm not going to trick myself into believing that this depressed feeling is always and forever, because I know that's not true. It always fluctuates.

Yet, right now is especially hard.
Yesterday, I spend all morning (and evening) having an awesome time recording vocals for a track that I was suddenly inspired to make. I got my microphone out of my storage cupboard, downloaded some software and spent hours recording acapella stuff, and I had a blast. Then, I had to go into town to pick up a few things. As I went down there, I felt really extatic, still buzzing from the inspiration and the excitement over the track. Then I got a text from an ex colleague from the school I used to work at, before I quit. She told me that another colleague was quitting after this academic year, and that there might be work for me. So I went from happy, to extactic and nervous and anxious and OH MY GOD. I was already thinking: this is the break I was waiting for. I miss them so badly, and my current financial and professional situation is rather *. I've been missing them and wishing to go back, and feeling horrible over the fact that they don't have a place for me naymore. So naturally, I was suddenly in overdrive, thinking: THIS IS MY CHANCE. So I texted another colleague and asked her what the deal was. And she said: "Oh, yeah, as far as I know, we already have someone else lined up who already works with us." So I said, well, I might as well try, you never know. And she said: "I've never in all my years of working here, seen someone be hired back." I felt completely gutted. Not only because chances are slim that i'll get what I want/need so badly, but also because I feel like this collegue is saying: forget it, we don't want you anyway.

I cycled into dispair. Everything i've been pushing away for the past two years, came rushing back to the surface. Losing what I cared about, because I trusted the wrong person. Giving up something I cared about deeply, and that was not just a job, it was like a safe place or family to me. Not just security. And now, being in this situation where I have a meh job that doesnt earn enough to keep me afloat. And a business that is now closed and that I don't want to start up again. Not being able to find any relevant jobs within my profession, and not wanting to have to start all over again anyway. It takes me forever to start to feel safe somewhere, and make friends etc. I don't want to have to go through that again, after fighting for so long. I wish I could just finially cruise for a while. But it seems like every time things are going well, something happens and everything goes to * again.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and nobody wants me anyway. I feel anxious and hopeless about the future, and I'm having thoughts of death again.
Not that i'd do it, but thinking of death is like a way to blow of steam and keep me "sane", because it helps to remind myself that there is always a way out.

It just saddens me that i'm here again, while two years ago, I had everything going for me. I was genuinely happy and doing well, on my own two feet. Then I trusted the wrong person (my father) and lost it all, because of him. And now i'm here, stuck, unhappy, lonely, scared, and having to start over. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't in a phase where all I want is to settle down, start a family, etc. And it saddens me because I actually like living. There are many things I like about life, and want to experience, still. But not if it's going to be like this all the time.

So yeah, i'm having a hard time.

[Alter-eg0]

I'm not quite sure how I feel. Maybe that's because a lot of the time, i'm not feeling. Just to survive. I seem fine, or neutral, until I look a little deeper under the surface.
I feel heartbroken, devistated, terrified, angry, all that. I still can't believe that I faught so hard for so many years to get to a point where I was happy and healthy, only for my very own father to see this and think: hmm, that's not going to work for me. I can't control/use her if she's healthy and independant. And then manipulate me into making a choice that would ruin my life, block all my future plans and dreams, and basically put me back where I started only with less time on the clock to fix it. Because I accept that it's my responsibility to do my life, and to deal with the consequences. Ultimately, I was the one who made the choice. It pisses me off that I trusted him and that his hands are technically clean, though. The thing is that now, i'm 34, and I desprately want to have children. I always have, and the clock is ticking. I don't have a partner (my trouble with long term relationships is a whole other story, and that's also got to do with him), so i'm taking steps to do it alone. But in order to make that work, I need stability, a good support network, a good job, etc etc. And all of these things have been completely DESTROYED over the past 1,5 years, mostly by my father. After all the years it took me to build that up. After going through * to heal and get my life together. Just like that, he cunningly coerced me to make a choice that would tear it all apart. And now i'm frantically trying to fix it, while at the same time, I feel....I don't even know how I feel. Numb. "Never mind". Like I might as well give up.
And that breaks my heart even more, because not only did I fight so hard to regain my life and my will to live, but I actually like living. There are many things I love and look forward to. And now it feels like...I don't want to give up, but I also do. I hate this. I just want my life back.

[Alter-eg0]

So yesterday, another ex colleague texted me to let me know that there was a position opining up (which I already knew). It's nice to know that they are thinking of me. It's not so nice to know, that they are not the people who decide. I'm pretty sure the people higher up in the organisation don't want me back. In part because of what I was told last week, and also because after emailing both the principal and the vice principal about it last week, neither of them have responded at all. None the less, I have sent in a formal job application as well. Because you never know.
The annoying thing is that part of me is now really excited and hopeful, and already seeing myself walking around there again. Not to mention the prospect of a proper income.
Yet, the other side of me is already sad and hopeless thinking that it's not going to work, and knowing that i'll be even more devastaded when I am indeed rejected. Because the tiny bit of hope that had been keeping me going, hoping that one day i'd be there again, will really be officially gone.

[owl25]

I hope it works out for you, Alter-eg0. When will you know?

[Alter-eg0]

I hope it works out for you, Alter-eg0. When will you know?

Thanks, Owl. I don't know, the site said to send in applications before April 12th, so it'll be after then for sure.

[Not Alone]

Good for you for sending in the application.  Your feelings of hope and excitement as well as sadness and hopelessness make sense.

[Alter-eg0]

I've been feeling pretty numb lately. I'm not doing it consciously, but I am aware that i'm doing it. And when I look at the state of the world, my life, everything that's happened over the past two years, it makes sense. I sometimes think "I wish I could feel happy again", but then i'm also aware that allowing myself to feel that, would mean allowing myself to feel everything. You can't selectively numb certain emotions, it's all or nothing. And right now, it just doesn't feel safe.

I'm still waiting on news from my job application. There have already been four ex-colleagues who have tipped me, separately from one another, about the job opening. It's nice to know they are thinking of me and want me back. It just sucks that they aren't the ones making the decision of who to hire.
When one of them texted me today, I started feeling really excited and relieved imagining what it would be like if I got the job. But I automatically shut that feeling down pretty quickly, because I just don't want to get my hopes up. If I end up getting rejected, i'll be gutted enough as it is. I don't want to make it worse. So i'm just numbing. That way, it feels more like: whether i'm in or i'm out, it's both equally good or bad (depending on how you look at it).

Life feels like limbo at the moment. I feel like i've been waiting to start living again ever since I left that school, and all that crap went down. The situation with my dad, the pandemic, etc.
It's frustrating, too. Because I had come so far in healing. I'd finally come to the point where I decided to take a leap and trust someome, and I thought trusting my father would be a safe choice. It ended up ruining my life. And these past two years, so much has happened, it feels like every time I get up, something else comes along and pulls the rug from under me again.
I'm just surviving.

[Alter-eg0]

Bad news.
I did indeed get rejected for the job. That's not even what i'm the most gutted about. The worst part is, I was rejected via an automatic rejection email.
I worked there for six years. Six years. I even continued to drop in and help out after I left. And they saw how heartbroken I was when I decided to leave. I can live with the fact that they won't have me back, thats their right, and there are more people suited for the job. What hurts is that I emailed both the principle and the vice principal weeks ago, and neither replied at all.
It's like bumping into an old friend on the street, saying hello, and being ignored completely.
It's nice that four ex-collegues tipped me about the opening, so at least they did bother. But that the very people that I worked for, that I put so much time, energy and loyalty into for all those years, didn't even bother to reply to my message personally or even say hello...just an automatic rejection email. Zero acknowledgement. That really hurts.

I spoke to my mum earlier, she called me and I just bawled my eyes out. I've fought for so long, and come so far, but there's always something. I just want to live. But there's always something. I'm so tired. I know i'll end up picking myself up and finding another way. But right now, everything just feels so unfair. I got so far, had everything going for me, and I trust one wrong person and BAM. My life is back to * and i'm going to have to claw my way out again. Only this time, i'm ten years older and my biological clock is ticking too. I want to have a kid badly, but I can't even find a freaking proper job. Even with my batchelors degree, that I got with honors. For f's sake, can I just live?!

[Hope67]

Hi AlterEgo,
I imagine that is really disappointing to have that automatic e-mail with that news of the job rejection.  It seems like the personal aspects in the work environment are overlooked sometimes with technology, and I think that's not right.  I'm glad that four of your ex-colleagues mentioned the job to you - that does sound like they care. 

I'm sorry you're feeling upset, but it's understandable that you are.  Anyway, I feel like I'm waffling a bit now, but I just wanted to say that I hope you get some luck on the job front soon. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hope you find something  Alter - job hunting is tough to do.

[Alter-eg0]

Pffff, you know how when you really really need to pee, but you can't, so you hold it and hold it until you finally make it to the bathroom and then when you finally sit down, you're so cramped up that nothing comes out? And then all you can get out is a few drops, a few more drops, and then all of a sudden the dam breaks?
Well, metaphorically, that's how I feel right now.  Like I just reached the metaphorical toilet.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!
I'm so happy and relieved! Rationally, that is. My body doesn't get the message yet, it's still too busy being stressed. That's fine, the first drops are coming and the dam will break soon.

I haven't told my current boss yet, she's on holiday. And I want to wait a bit, since there are so many people already leaving that I want to give her the chance to get herself back together before I drop another bomb. It's fine, I only need a months notice with this job, and my new job doesn't start until the end of august. So I've decided that I want to leave my current job half way through july, so that I still have a proper "school holiday" to relax an prepare, before the fresh start. I'm really excited!

The funnies thing: I got hired because of my looks. Well, sort of. You see, during the job interview, the guy mentioned the way I looked (my dreads, piercings, tattoo's) and asked about them. He asked "why I am the way I am" (to which I replied: why are you the way you are?) and then he asked me how I see it, since there's often a lot of stigma and it can lead to negative situations with other people. I explained that I'm glad he asked, because that way we can have an open conversation instead of letting ourselves be lead by prejudice. I told him a little bit about my tattoo's, and I explained that I'm just being myself. That if I would be rejected for it, it wouldn't have been the place for me anyway. And that it's important to my not only to be myself, but that my students and colleagues can be themselves too. I also explained that in my experience it has actually often lead to more positive experiences: it opens doors and dialogs that you otherwise might not have. Students often come to me to talk about things, because somehow my looks seem to lower the thresold; I look like an open minded person who has seen some stuff.
So this morning when he called me and offered me the job, he said "we were very charmed by your appearance and the way you talked about it. And we do have quite a few students who are "different", so you'd be a great fit".

I was so amazed, because there had been so many applicants and although the interview went well, I just didn't have anything to go off. I couldn't size up the competition, so to speak.

It's so good to finally have some perspective, after all this "survival mode". I'm not out of the woods yet, but now that i've got a stable basis in the making, i'll be able to start thawing out, processing, healing and moving on.

So yeah, good news. And now...i'm exhausted.

[Not Alone]

Yea! Congratulations. Glad you are giving yourself some vacation time before starting your new job to rest and prepare.

[Armadillo]

   

Yay! Congrats!!!