AlterEg0's Journal

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0, I appreciate the update and am sorry to hear about the physical symptoms.  My stress tends to express itself physically too, so what you share resonates.  I hope that you are able to find some ease today. 

[Armadillo]

  Big old hugs to you AlterEgo. Today's a rough day and give yourself lots of extra care. It makes so much sense your stomach is clenched and IBS is flaring.

Three weeks of being in a miserable job IS a long time but I hope it goes fast.

And add me to the long list of people with the classic physical symptoms too!

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks Rainy & Armadillo,

It's interesting isn't it, how things manifest themselves in the body. It's no fun to experience, but it's helpful information from you to you.

On a brighter note, I had my first unofficial day at my new job this week. It was a parent-teacher info evening, in preparation of the new academic year. I got to meet my new class and get to know them. It was pretty informal and it went well, I feel really welcome there even though I don't start until the end of august. It's good to know i'll be getting on with my life, and in a better place.

[Not Alone]

Three weeks doesn't sound like much at all, but if it means feeling like this every time, it's going to be a long three weeks. I think the fact that it's fathers day (second one since going NC) doesn't help either. I need to relax...

Three weeks is a long time when those days are filled with stress. I understand Father's Day being difficult too. I hope your IBS calms down soon.

[Jazzy]

Hi Alter-eg0,

Your previous post here sounds great! Feeling welcome and getting on with life... wow, that's incredible! Congratulations on your accomplishments! 

Jazzy <3

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks NotAlone and Jazzy.

Tomorrow, my last work week at my current job begins. I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow, but i'm also looking forward to getting it all over with.

Last week, my boss asked me to take some time off, "because I was so busy, I might like it". In other words: we need you to use all the hours you saved up, so that we don't have to pay you for them after you leave. At first I was against it, I wanted to save them because I need to extra cash to get through the few week that I won't have an income before my new job starts. But at this point, I honestly don't care anymore. The job is so mentally draining that the less time I spend on the workfloor, the better.
So I had a few days off this past week, and it was much needed. It's funny how the very same say I got home with a free week ahead of my, my creativity immediately started flowing again.
I've been so productive this week! I even published a childrens book!
I used a story that I wrote as a child, and had always wanted to publish. I used Canva to create a format and make pictures, then I published it in Dutch and in English via Amazon. Today I reveived a photo from someone who had just gotten their copy in the mail, on the other end of the world. That's so cool!

I've been feeling up and down lately. I'm tired, raw, and easily triggered. But I also feel like little glimmers of enjoyment are poking through, sometimes I feel alive again and I get excited about the future. It doesn't last long, but it reminds me that i'm "thawing" and i'll be ok, even through it doesn't always seem like it.

I heard that my father is getting married this summer. He didn't tell any of us, and doesn't want to tell us. Not that I want to know, but it only goes to show... It makes me wonder though, wouldn't it make his new in-laws suspicious to see that none of his own family and friends show up at his wedding? How long can he keep convincing them that WE are the problem?

With the pandemic easing up, my current job ending and my new job on the horizon, I have a prediction for how things are going to go for me emotionally...I suspect that initially, i'll feel euphoric. Followed by depression and extreme fatigue. And then come overwhelming emotions as I slowly un-freeze. All the stuff i've been pushing down to stay in survival mode over the past two years, has to come out some time. It will smoothe out over time, but I suspect that it's going to be a rollercoaster....

Anyway, i'm going to go to bed in a minute. The sooner it's tomorrow, the sooner i'll get that shift over with and cross it off the list. The sooner this week is over, the better.

[Blueberry]

Congratulations on getting your book published! 

[Armadillo]

 

I'm so happy these last few weeks at work are coming to an end or you, and you are feeling a surge of creativity. The roller coaster is exhausting but I find it really helpful to understand what is happening, the pattern of what is coming to be prepared.

Congrats on publishing a children's book and already being contacted about it!!!! That's huge!

[Not Alone]

Congratulations on publishing and selling your book! 

[Alter-eg0]

Guys, i'm stressed out.

I would have thought i'd be feeling a lot better now. Tomorrow is my last day at my horrible job, which is good news. Also, i've taken care of all the last things I needed to do before the end of the academic year, and I start my new job at that school after the summer. I'm going to have a few weeks of summer holidays to rest and prepare, and i'm really looking forward to the new job. A new sense of belonging, nice people, doing what i'm good at, not to mention the financial stability. Also, I got amazing news yesterday: I got a letter about my name change yesterday, and it looks like they are going to grant me my mothers surname! There's some more stuff that needs to be taken care of, but it's looking good.
All these things are positive, and I expected to be feeling more relaxed now. But i'm not.


The past two years have been * on earth. Not just because of the pandemic, but that sure made the situation exponentially worse. With everything happening in my private life, combined with the stresses of lockdown (isolation, losing income, losing all the things that make my life enjoyable and worthwhile, losing my sense of autonomy...), I've been numbing myself just to survive. For the past two years i've been continuously oscillating beween numb/depressed, and waves of extreme stress/anxiety/grief/frustration. Things seemed to be looking up the past few weeks as things started to re-open and life started going back to normal. However, for the past few days, the number of positive tests have been rising. At the same time, we see the number of people in hospital/ICU at an all time low, and still declining. Which is completely logical: the majority of people in my country are vaccinated now. Asymptomatic people are obligated to test themselves in order to take part in events. Because of this dramatic increase in testing, we're obviously going to see higher numbers of positive tests (either from asymptomatic infections, or from false positives which is the inevitable result of testing healthy people). The vaccination doesn't prevent infection, it just prevents you from getting really ill from said infection. So it would make sense that we're seeing more positive tests, alongside a decrease in hospital admissions. Technically, that's exactly what we want. It proves that the strategy is working. People get infected, but no longer get sick. Thus no more excessive pressure on the healthcare system, which was the whole point of lockdown.
However, the government is freaking out and considering locking us down again. Just because of the positive test numbers.

When I heard this, this afternoon, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I know I look calm on the outside and continue to go about my business and live my life. But on the inside, the only thing keeping me going, is thinking of death. Not that I want to die (on the contrary, I want to LIVE, but NOT LIKE THIS), but thinking that I at least have an escape rope is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
I've been stretched so thin for the past two years that the tinest little thing sets me off inside. I can hardly handle anything anymore, I'm constantly stressed, my body feels tight and painful, I have palpitations, and I hardly enjoy anything anymore because I need to stay numb. I feel burned out. But I have to keep going, so I do.
I'm absolutely terrified that we're going back into lockdown. I don't know if I can take it. I can't stand having the government constantly deciding for me what I can and can't do, and playing groups of people out against one another. Social control. No matter what your opinion, you can't think or say anything without being ostracised by someone. And when I imagine escaping, I realize that there's nowhere to go: the whole world is involved. I feel trapped, and there's no end in sight. There's no logic, I can't predict what's going to happen and when this will end, and that makes me go crazy inside. It feels like....other things I don't want to remember.

I know i'll get through it, simply because I have to and I have a pretty good track record so far. But you know what scares me even more?
I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen when all this dies down, my life goes back to normal, and I can relax. Because with everything i've been pushing down and numbing for the past two years just in order to survive, there's going to be a tidal wave of emotions wating for me. It ain't over when it's over.

I'm sorry for this long rant, but I need to get it off my chest. I don't really know where else to turn, I don't feel safe or comfortable confiding in anyone. Even when I tell them my thoughts, I don't let the emotions peek through (even to myself). But i'm really struggling immensely with all this.

[Armadillo]

Any change. Good or bad is hard. So you have that, with your job.

Uncertainty is hard as is threat of another lockdown. Hard doesn't cut it right? It really doesn't.

It has been a couple really hard years and none of us has an exit plan so to speak, for reengaging with life, which won't quite be normal.

We are utterly worn down in so many ways.

I say that as a way of saying: your reaction to ALL this is normal. Yes it is absolutely amplified by the CPTSD. But it's also normal to feel this way, AlterEgo. I know. It's awful. It makes you feel like other awful times in your life.

I wish I could hug you and take all that pain and fear and uncertainty away.

We're going to get through this. You know you'll get through this. There will be scars. You've survived worse. You don't need an escape rope. You are an escape rope. You have tools to numb when you need to be numb. We are all masters of that. You are wise enough to know when to feel and when to tighten down the hatches. You'll let it out little by little when it is safe. I trust you. 

[Armadillo]

AlterEgo?

How are you holding up there, hon? 

[Alter-eg0]

Hi Armadillo,

I really appreciate you checking in, and your previous post was very helpful. I hadn't had time and energy to come in and update just yet, but i'm ok.

My last day was alright. I'm glad my boss wasn't there. I almost felt guilty for leaving though, after my other colleagues were so lovely. It hasn't quite set in that it's over, that's going to take a while.

As expected, my boss left a comment on my facebook post (I posted that i'd had my last day). She said something to make herself and the company sound great, and then, in her own passive aggressive "smiling through her teeth" style, made a comment about how it was a shame that our goodbye had to be like this (online, since she is on holiday and I avoided her on the last day we worked together). It was so obvious that it was a jab at me, it was almost funny. I'm awaiting her return to work, because I'm also expecting a passive aggressive email from her about how I have already handed in all my stuff, while most people drop in later for that. Obviously, I handed everything in because I never want to have to go back there, and she knows it.
Anyway, later next week after i've had my last paycheck and when she's finished with all the reasons she could have to check in with me, i'm going to block her from facebook.

I got an email Friday from my trainer from a course i'm training, asking me when i'm going to pick it up again (it's been on hold due to covid and due to my own mental health) and it really stressed me out. I feel pressured, and right now I just want to be left alone. I told her i'm taking the next few weeks for myself. I hope she doesn't make me re-do the last module (apparently there's an expiration date on that...).

I had a really nice time friday night with my band, my bassist celebrated his birthday with us around a campfire in his back yard. There was wine, guitars, singing and it was lovely.

Furthermore, i'm really tired and all over the place with my emotions. The difference is that now I can keep reminding myself that I can let it happen. I have time and space to feel bad and let it be there, so i'm going to use that.

I'm currently obsessed with the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. It's symbolic, beautiful, and I ugly cry every time Elphaba goes up into the air.

[Armadillo]

I can't wait till you can block that passive aggressive meanie pants and be done for good with the job. 

I'm so happy you had a great Friday night with your band. 

It seems really wise to take that time you need to let your emotions be a little all over the map.

I thought I'd listen the that song, and I started to. And oddly it almost immediately gave me a wicked knot in my stomach and tightness in my chest. So i stopped.

[Alter-eg0]

Woop woop, so I blocked my ex-boss on Facebook and what a relief! It's such a small thing, it's funny how it can make such an impact. Although I still feel hypervigilant a lot of the time and work hasn't left my mind yet, it seems to be moving a little farther towards the back of my mind now.
This morning I didn't wake up until 11. I didn't go to bed particularly late, probably around 22.00. I have the tendency to try and rationalise this, and then, if I don't have a "good enough reason" to be tired, I tell myself I can't be tired and I push it away. I didn't do that today, I just let myself be tired. Because whether it makes sense to me or not, doesn't change how I feel, right?
I know where that comes from though. My parents would often tell me I was lazy and make remarks like "what do you have to be tired about? You're a kid, you don't do anything". So I always feel like I need a reason to feel what I feel. Which is nonsense. Trying to slowly let that go.