AlterEg0's Journal

Started by Alter-eg0, January 25, 2021, 02:56:17 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

BeeKeeper

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

QuoteWoop woop, so I blocked my ex-boss on Facebook and what a relief!

Big stuff that can make all the difference in your day.

CactusFlower

Congrats on your achievements! And perhaps your body was having a bit of a come-down from the wind-up to blocking that person? What you said about needing a reason made so much sense. It also reminded me of one of the sayings by a TikTok-er I follow, "Rest is a right, not a reward." It's not always easy to remember. But I remember my abuser saying something very similar to what you were told, especially if I laid down during the day. Congrats on recognizing the cause to start to change it. :)

Hope67

Hi AlterEg0,
I would also like to congratulate you on your achievements  :cheer:
Hope  :)

Armee


Alter-eg0

Sooooo, two weeks in to my summer vacation and i'm feeling more like myself every day. For the first few days after leaving my job, I still felt really hypervigilant. Couldn't wind down, kept checking work e-mail, felt like I was still up and running. I sort of let myself walk it off, figuratively. I've been sleeping a lot, and I gave myself permission to just do whatever my whims tell me to do. As a result, i've been doing a lot of music stuff. I invested in a new studio microphone and interface, and oh my lord, I should have done that years ago. The sound quality is amazing.
Somehow I never bothered to invest in any proper equipment, although I wanted to. It just felt excessive or frivolous, I mean, my voice is in my body for free, why would I put so much money towards expensive equipment? I usually just got the cheap stuff. But you know what, although I had to dip into my savings, I feel no guilt about this at all. And i've already put it all to good use.

I developed a "slight" obsession with Wicked, and spent the past couple of days recording and editing the vocals for the song "No Good Deed" (out of Wicked the musical, sung by Elphaba) and I had so much fun! After that, I also recorded a video to go with it, and uploaded it. It felt so good to allow myself to just go with the flow of my passions and obsessions, and to sing, and to be creative again! For the past two years, i've been in emotional lockdown. I've been so stressed and tired that I just couldn't bring myself to do any of that. Now that i'm back into the swing of it, I feel like i'm thawing out and coming back to myself.

I will say, I'm still triggered easily and when i'm in the middle of it, I still feel like things will always be awful. But between those moments, i'm feeling a lot calmer. It's not like a continuous EF anymore, there are definitely good moments. If you would ask me now how I am, i'd say i'm doing quite alright, inclusing the ups and downs. If you would have asked me three weeks ago, i'd say I was doing sh**. I guess the difference is also that now, there's light at the end of the tunnel with the new job in sight, and everything opening up in life and in the world. I can see a future now, I don't feel as trapped as I did then.

This past week was pretty weird. Two people in my direct surroundings passed away suddenly. One of them is a woman i've known for years, our paths crossed all over the place. I also rented my previous office space from her, before I gave it up a few months ago. She was someone who was so full of life, always taking on the next project and creating new things. She was only in her 50's. She hadn't been feeling too well, and one day, one of her friends couldn't get a hold of her, and went to check on her. They found her, on the floor, next to her bed. Gone.
Although I hadn't seen her in a while, and it's not like we were close or anything, it's still a slap in the face.
The other person, was a neighbour that I often see in the building and who always tries to make chit chat with me (while I get all awkward). The weirdest part is that I actually am a member of this app that texts people who know how to do CPR, when someone in the neighbourhood needs help (because we can often get there sooner than the ambulance). I got texted that someone in my building needed help, but I didn't see the text until two minutes after I got it. By then, the ambulance was already driving up our street (we live around the block from the hospital). So I was too late. I know it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference, but I do feel a little guilty for not making a run for it.

Anyway, that's about it for today. Tomorrow i'm going shopping with my mum, my grandma and my aunt. It's a yearly thing, and we skipped last year because of covid. So i'm glad we get to do it again!

Hope67

Hi AlterEg0,

I hope you're continuing to enjoy your summer vacation and the recent changes after leaving your job.  Your new stuido microphone system sounds fun.  I like the songs from Wicked too, although I don't know them that well.   :cheer: for enjoying some creative things - I liked what you said about feeling like your thawing out and coming back to yourself.

I read what you wrote about the two people who passed away.  I'm sorry to hear about those things.  I know you hoped to have been able to help the second woman, but you only missed that text by literally two minutes, it may not have made a difference anyway.  I hope that the guilt doesn't stay with you.  I think you are a kind person to offer CPR to people in need via that app.  That's a big thing to do that.

Hope  :)

Alter-eg0

I'm disgusted...

So I already knew via via that my NF, with whom I'm no longer in contact, is getting married (to the girl my age, who he had an affair with). He never told us (not that I wanted to know), but apparently he got married two days ago.
This week I got a screenshot from someone, about something he posted on facebook (I have him blocked, but people still sometimes send me stuff about him). It was a message that looked a lot like a pregnancy announcement, about how their little family was growing, and "it's a girl". Now, I already had my doubts, I was pretty sure it would be about a dog (since their dog died recently). Anyway, many people responded to that post, congratulating her with her pregnancy. And people started sending me messages, asking about it. All this time, neither of them responded to any of the comments. So I was starting to think maybe there would actually be a child. I was already feeling bad for the kid, given the situation. I mean, i'd hope she would have a better experience with him than I did, but I doubt it. And that would be awful. Also, that would mean i'd have a half sister walking around who probably would think that I hate her and want nothing to do with her (i'm pretty sure that's what my father would let her believe). I was starting to get really worried about it all.
Until today: they posted, and it's a dog. They posted a photo, an update, etc. All jokes and laughs. And although they had not responded to any comments on their previous post, to all those people congratulating her on her pregnancy...they are now responding to literally everyone who is responding to their dog post. So they literally just let everything believe she was pregnant, for the fun of it. And probably the attention.
I'm digusted. What a cruel and tasteless joke.
And for me it's extra painful, given the fact that I desprately want children, have for a long time, but am still single and on a waiting list for a donor. I mean, come on. I'm not the only one who thinks this is a stupid joke, right?


Armee

 :hug:

I'm sorry AlterEgo both about the cruel and juvenile trick they played, about the marriage, and about your own situation.  :hug:

CactusFlower

I agree, it's a very tasteless thing to do, and if they're aware of your desire for kids, it's totally cruel. Unfortunately, I can completely resonate with a NF who married someone near the age of his daughter who then had a kid. :bighug: Sorry you have to deal with all that.

Alter-eg0

#69
Something weird happened last night, and i'm still not sure what to think about it.

So I have this neighbour, he lives a few doors down. I don't really know him, I bump into him from time to time in the elevator and sometimes there's some smalltalk. That's about it.
He's probably about 10 years older than I am, he lives alone (like the most of us in this building) and I suspect that he has some kind of learning disability. He's nice enough, he's just seems a little oblivious to social ques, and he seems a bit...slow? I don't mean that in a derogatory way or anything, I just don't know how else to describe it.

Anyway, last night at around 11pm, I got a random Facebook message from him, asking (and i'm translating this as best I can): "Can I call on you tomorrow to drive me to the supermarket, if it's raining?". I was a little taken aback since it was out of nowhere, I hardly know the guy, and the wording was just a bit strange. I mean, there was no reason given other than the possibility of rain, and he didn't exactly ask if I would be willing to help him out, it seemed almost more like he was assuming that since I have a car, I have some kind of duty to others that can be called on. It was just weird. If he would have been like "I broke my leg, can you pick up some groceries for me", I wouldn't have minded. But this just seemed odd.
But I didn't want to be the one to be paranoid or anything, after all, he's always been normal or nice to me, so I told him I couldn't because I had work (which I did). To which he asked me what time I had work...At this point I was really weirded out and slightly annoyed, so I told him I was really busy, and that I couldn't help him. He wished me goodnight and left it at that.

At first I just thought it was weird, but the more I thought about it, the more odd it seemed to me. I mean, I was really confused! The question made no sense given the context. So I was torn between "Is he really just a simple-minded bloke, innocently asking a question and not realizing how it comes across? Or is something weird going on?" . And then at the same time I felt a sense of guilt, because it could just as easily have been someone who was genuinely asking for help, but just going about it in an unhandy way. I'm not saying that he had ill intentions, but it's possible all the same. And even if that were not the case, it could become one of those "give them a finger and they'll take your whole hand" things...
I actually did lock all my doors and windows before I went to bed, and I was actually on alert. And today I was worried that he'd be waiting for me when I got home from work, to catch me out and say "Hey, I see you're back, now you can help me!".

I will say, i'm glad I said no. I'm much better at boundaries than I have been. I remember a  time when I agreed to drive my alcoholic landlord to the liquor store so that she could buy all the bottles she needed to replace the bottles she stole from my housemate. That's how easy it was to guilt-trip me into anything. So I guess I've come a long way.

But still...I mean, this is weird right? Or is it just me?

rainydiary

Alter-Eg0, I trust your instincts.  If you feel something is off then I think you are right to do what feels best to you. 

Alter-eg0

Aloha!

It's been a while since i've updated, simply because i've been swamped.
Two weeks ago, I started at my new job. It's been going well, i'd say. The atmosphere is great, the people are very welcoming and really go out of their way to help you along. I was pretty nervous (opposed even...until I had no other choice) to start over somewhere new. And yes, I do feel frustrated about the sheer amount of work it is to start over...at times I feel myself longing back to my days at the previous school I worked at, simply because back there, I knew everything and everyone, I had all my material sorted, I could do everything on auto-pilot. And now i'm in this new situation, having to learn the ropes all over again. I will say, it's by far not as stressful as the last time I started somewhere new. That's partly because I'm more experienced now than I was back then, and I've grown a lot personally. And it's partly because this is such a small school with nice and helpful people, which helps me to settle in and get the hang of it all much faster. I knew it was going to be rough, and I know i'll be fine in the end. Sometimes it's just frustrating, knowing that you have to go through that awkward, hard phase.

Over the past two weeks, i've probably asked more questions and been more proactive than I have been in my entire career at my previous school. Simply because I dare to do that know.
Because of this, i'm less stressed, as i'm taking care of issues as they arise instead of waiting and hoping that someone or something will fix it without me having to ask. So that's a big difference I've noticed. Also, I just seem less scared and less bothered by futilities in general, compared to what I was like in my last teaching job. I guess I have made more progress than I thought over those past two years that i've been out of the system. The things I've been through over the past two years have hurt me, but also forced me to grow and learn some important things in a really fast pace. I'm noticing the benefits of that now. At the same time, I do still get triggered easily. I'll be feeling fine, and the next moment I will have done something that makes me feel stupid and scared that my colleagues will find out, and judge me for it. Which has me tumbling back into the emotional EF's. I know when it's happening and I feel like I split into two, where one part of me is rationally talking me through the reality of the situation, and the other part of me is purely emotional, feeling like the world is falling apart. It's...weird. It's not something I can really explain to anyone either; most people just tell me that i'll be fine, i'm strong, there's nothing wrong, or whatever. Which I KNOW. And knowing it doesn't take the feeling away.

Anyway, i've been ticking many things off my 2021 goal- & wishlist. The big ones on the list were changing my surname (pending, still awaiting the official green light), getting a new job (got it!), buying a new car (did that!) and getting a new house. Well, I just recieved a message that i've been invited to check out a place that I had applied for a few weeks ago. It had taken so long for them to respond, that I had given up hope. But as it turns out, i'm the first one on the waiting list for the place. So i've been invited to check it out on monday 20th, and I have the first choice.
Unfortunately, I can't be there myself. So i'm sending a friend in my place. I have already walked by the place and checked it out through the windows. It's bigger than my current one bedroom apartment; it has two bedrooms, two floors, and even a little garden. So i'm really exited! If all goes well, it looks like i'll be moving soon. A big stressor, but worth it!

It's good to be finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, after two years of...well...*, pretty much.

BeeKeeper

AlterEg0,

Starting a new job, finding your way around, determining who could be most helpful and feeling good about it, all a HUGE plus.

Being less scared, less bothered by futilities, hanging on during the EFs: fantastic progress.

Dang! Changing your surname, pretty proactive and empowering too! Accomplishing your goals of the car, job and now new home. All those allow you to create your unique start, your own way. Nothing comes easy, and it takes a lot of energy to accomplish these things, so yeah to YOU! for having it, and using it to your advantage.

Way to go! Keep it up.

Not Alone

Quote from: Alter-eg0 on September 13, 2021, 05:00:35 PM
At the same time, I do still get triggered easily. I'll be feeling fine, and the next moment I will have done something that makes me feel stupid and scared that my colleagues will find out, and judge me for it. Which has me tumbling back into the emotional EF's. I know when it's happening and I feel like I split into two, where one part of me is rationally talking me through the reality of the situation, and the other part of me is purely emotional, feeling like the world is falling apart. It's...weird. It's not something I can really explain to anyone either; most people just tell me that i'll be fine, i'm strong, there's nothing wrong, or whatever. Which I KNOW. And knowing it doesn't take the feeling away.

AlterEg0,
I've been at my new job for over two months now. I could have written what I quoted from you. I'm pretty sure that my new co-workers have no idea of the insecurity and feelings of being left-out that I experience. The intensity and duration of those feelings is lessening as time goes on. I hope the same is true for you.

Alter-eg0

#74
Hello all,

It's been a while. The past two months have been INSANE.

Things at the new job have been hectic, but good. It's a lot of work, and it's really tiring, but I really do hope I get to stay after this academic year.

That place I got to check out, ended up becoming mine! I moved in about three weeks ago. It was a lot of work to get it all sorted, the whole place had been stripped down and I had to do most of the painting, flooring, wallpaper, etc. by myself. I did get some help here and there, but most of the time, people were just busy. That's understandable, and i'm really grateful to the people who did take the time to help me out. I couldn't have done it without them. It was more work than i'd expected, and the timing wasn't great either, so it was very stressful and I was worried that I wouldn't make the deadline, but in the end, on the very last day that I needed to be out of my old place, at 19.30 in the evening, I finally finished hauling all my stuff over.
I don't have a proper kitchen yet; I was allowed to pick out a new one, but it's not going to be here for another two weeks.
So I made it!

It's a lovely place. It has two floors, two bedrooms and a small garden with a pond out back. I absolutely love it, I have a lot more space to move around here, both physically and mentally.
My dog loves it too, having more space to run around and a garden to play in. I used the second bedroom as an office/studio, so that I can separate work from rest. It will hopefully become a nursery one day, but for the time being, it's my own workspace.

While I was moving, I also had a trip to London planned. That was already planned way before I knew I'd be moving that week. The timing wasn't great, but the trip sure was. I only went for one night, and the only reason I was there, was to go and see the musical Wicked on the west end. It was absolutely amazing. When I arrived, and I walked by the Apollo Victoria theatre and looked up at the giant, green, sparkly Wicked billboard, I did get a little emotional. I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed, it was a feeling of "I made it!". In the broad sense of the words.
I mean, not only have I managed to survive these past two years of losing my job, losing my business, living in a pandemic, losing my income, having my family fall apart and whatnot, but i've managed to get back up and build my life back up to a point where I can afford a completely random trip like that, just because I want to. But I also have come to a point in my life where I actually have the guts to travel abroad on my own, and figure it out as I go. And seeing that show has been on my wishlist for a while, the show means a lot to me, the main character speaks to me, and being able to go and see it live, was just amazing.

In the same week that I was moving, I also got the news that my name change has officially been granted! That's a relief and absolutely amazing. At the same time, it is and was a huge bureaucratic mess. Having to get all my documents replaced (not to mention expensive), and now i'm in the process of having my information changed everywhere. It's a hassle, but it's worth it.

So although things have been on the up, it's just a lot. It's been overwhelming, and still is.
It doesn't help that the government has just decided to put us back into lockdown. The lockdown itself, the way people are treating each other, the way the government is planning to go for a 2G plan where you can basically only live your life if you've had the jab, it all feels very restrictive and controlling. It triggers me. I feel like I just came out of one abusive situation, and rolled into the next. Someone or something making decisions for me, and putting me in a position where I don't really have a choice in the matter. That's how the world feels to me right now.
And regardless what your opinion is on the matter, it hurts to see people being so horrible to one another, for their different views. I've taken to just keeping my mouth shut on my own opinions or feelings on the whole situation, just because I don't want to get caught in the crossfire. But at the same time, I feel very alone and i'm scared for the future. Mostly of being trapped in a world where I no longer have a choice in where I go, what I do, how I live, and what I do with my body. And wow, that's triggering.

You know, it dawned on my recently that I feel like over the last two years, with everything that has happened in my private life and in the world in general, I have lost that last little scrap of innocence that I had left. I feel like back in the day, even when things were f*cked up, there was always a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. Or a little sliver of naivity, the idea that one day in the future, things would be better and i'd have a "normal" life. Easy isn't the right word, there would still be hard stuff, but it would be the "normal" hard stuff. The stuff you can expect. You know, like loved ones passing away. That sucks, but it's part of life. I suppose a few years ago, I really thought i'd worked though the worst of it. Because how much weird, f*cked up stuff can you really expect to encounter in your life? So I just always thought that somehow, i'd had my share, and when i'd worked though all that, it would be relatively smooth sailing from there.
Two years ago, I was on track. I had a good job that I loved, I had ambitions for my own business and other plans for the future, I felt like I had a better bond with my family than ever, and I had gotten through all of the depression, ed's, etc. I felt like i'd won.
And no sooner had I begun to relax, when everything came crashing down in ways that I could never have expected. Having my own father ruin my life and finding out what he really was. Finding out that my life had been a lie. Losing everything that i'd built up. And then having a pandemic take over the world on top of all that. I feel like all of that just broke me. Broke the last little bit of childlike hope, innocence, naive-ness, whatever you want to call it. I feel like I don't have that anymore. I wouldn't say i'm depressed perse, it's not that, it's more like...i'm just a lot more cynical these days. I mean, I already was quite cynical to begin with, I didn't know it could go this deep. I just feel like internally, something in me has accepted the the world, or life, is indeed f*cked up, and that i'll just have to work with it. Things can go well, or not, we'll see. But I no longer have that idea that "one day, everything will be good". That's no longer a given. It's a possibility, but it's not a given. Life now, just feels...flat. Whatever. I make do with what i've got and i'll try to make the most of it, that's all I can do. If i'm lucky, things will be good. But i'm not waiting for that anymore :Idunno:

You know....I really want kids. I'm on the waiting list for a donor. But at the moment, i'm so unsure of my own future, or of the future of the world in general, that the thought scares me.
Not only do I wonder if I want to raise a child in this world, but it also scares me that once I have a child, i'll have no way out. You see, I tend to use thoughts of suicide to keep me sane.
Knowing there's a way out, helps me stay on track. But when I have a kid, I can't leave anymore. That's no longer an option. And the way things are now, that thought scares me.

Life is weird. I wonder if i'm just feeling this way because of the state of the world & my life, and i'll feel differently in a while when I've had the time to process and heal. But sometimes I worry that i've now really been irreparably broken.