AlterEg0's Journal

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0, I was glad to see your entry today.  Thank you for sharing these updates.  I loved the sound of the place you've been creating for yourself.  Best wishes navigating the decision on parenthood. 

[Armee]

There's so much beauty and honesty in your post here AlterEgo.

I am so happy your job is lovely and you took that trip and you have a nice place to call home for you and your dog and your future baby.

Having a kid is super hard. It also focuses you, puts things in perspective, and gives you a reason to live, grow, and stay around. So maybe even though it is super scary to no longer be afforded a way out...there's also the flipside...you likely won't want a way out anymore.

The way I see everything you just wrote it feels like everything had to come crashing down and split apart fo you can rebuild the way that is true and loving to you. That this is the beginning of things not being bad. You get to rebuild it piece by piece and with awareness.

[Alter-eg0]

I'm having a hard day. I feel lonely and depressed. The state of the world and they way that people are treating each other, no matter their views, makes me sad.
The thought that there's probably another lockdown coming up, causes a lot of trapped and hopeless feelings.
I feel stressed out about a course i'm taking (have been for the past three years) that I have to do an exam for. I've been under a lot of pressure, and every time I have to do something for that course, I feel overwhelmed and I just want to quit. Quite frankly, if I fail this exam, i'm quitting anyway. It isn't worth the stress anymore. The exam is a formality, they already know that I can do the thing. But the criteria are so arbitrary that I could fail anyway, and i'm done with it. I've had quite enough.
Work is good, but overwhelming and stressful just because it's all new. Sometimes i'm fine, but sometimes everything just hits me at once and I want to run away to an island somewhere and hide from everyone.

I've been looking for a therapist, but I can't find anyone in the area that specializes in what I need, and that is also covered by my insurance. That sucks. I'm fine most of the time, but i'm very aware that that's mostly because i'm in survival mode. There's a lot of stuff hidden down in there, that I should probably address...

[rainydiary]

AlterEg0, thank you for sharing.  I've been feeling pretty low about the world too.  I hope that you find some ease. 

[Alter-eg0]

Hey there, it's been a while (again). Busy as usual.

I'm not quite sure how i'm doing. Practically speaking, i've done so much this year. I was looking at my list of goals and wishes for 2021, and the amount of things that i've been able to tick off the list is absolutely insane. Especially the big ones, like finding a new job, a new house and a new car all within a very short period of time. And not to mention getting my name changed!
I guess you could say i've been making big steps, getting the building blocks together to build a new life. But emotionally, i'm not there yes. There's just too much to process, and I have yet to come to a point where i'm comfortable enough to let go and start processing. Life right now is still too uncertain and stressful to come out of survival mode. The pandemic isn't helping.

I figured it would do me good to find a therapist, because although I wouldn't say i'm depressed, I do recognize that I have some things to work through that I can't do alone. It was really hard finding a therapist though, because the type of help that i'm looking for often isn't covered by insurance, and financially i'm not in a position to pay for it myself. After a long search, I think I may have found someone suitable. We spoke on the phone and she seemed nice enough, but not TOO nice (I unintentionally am very good at beating around the bush and manipulating therapists into thinking everything is fine and i'm making progress, all the while keeping them away from the core issues). I need someone who is compassionate, but can still call me out on my bull. Unfortunately (but as could be expected), there is a waiting list. She's likely to have time for me around the end of january. I'm not in a rush, though. My situation isn't acute, it's more like, something that can simmer for years and years, but I just don't want to live my life like this. It seems like a waste, since I know that I can feel and do better than this.

I ticked another big thing off my list this week. I've been in training to become a TRE provider (Trauma & Tension Releasing Exercises) for almost three years now. The pandemic got in the way, as did my personal life, and for a while there I was seriously considering giving it up. The training is just so much work, and the criteria are so arbitrary that I got really frustrated and anxious about the whole thing. One minute they'd be telling me I was doing great and that "if this was your exam, you would have passed". The next minute they'd be saying "you need to film another session asap, otherwise you will have to re-do module 2". Or i'd take their feedback and incorporate it into a session, and then during my next evaluation, i'd be told to do the exact opposite (ironically, the thing I was already doing before). I just felt like I never knew where I stood, and the amount of time, money and stress it was taking, took a massive toll on my mental health.
I didn't want to give it up too easily though, considering I only needed to do one more certification session. So I did it, filmed it, and it took weeks to finally get an appointment for the exam.
This due to the fact that the trainer only responds to her email once a week or so, and her agenda doesn't match mine at all.
On sunday, she emailed me (after many failed attempts to plan something) that she had time on monday night. It was a bit of a short timespan to work with, since I had to work that day, so I'd have no time to prepare. But I decided that I just wanted to get it over with, and that i'd be fine with either outcome. If I'd pass, i'd leave with a diploma. If i'd fail, i'd quit because it was no longer worth the stress of continuing with the training. Telling myself if would be over by the end of the evening, no matter what, helped me to get through it. So after a long day at work, and after dealing with several other little crisis' (why does everything happen at once?), I took the exam. It was online over zoom, and took about 2 hours. The first half was about theory, the second half was watching my filmed session together. Thankfully, theory is my strong suit, I passed that with flying colours. The rest of the session was harder, but it went better than expected. I'm very relieved to inform you that I did, indeed, pass my exam. So I'm now a certified TRE provider, and I can finally close another "tab" in my brain that has been running in the background for the past three years. What a relief!

There are two more weeks until the christmas break. I'm struggling to make it through. Currently i'm working 7 days a week. This due to the new covid restrictions that state all non-essential stuff has to close at 17.00. I work at school during the day (four days) and at the gym in the evenings and on sunday mornings. But since we can no longer do evening classes, we had to (temporarily, but we don't know for how long) shift all of my evening classes to my free hours during my day(s) off. So now I work monday through thursday at school, and friday through sunday at the gym. I used to have fridays and saturdays off. I'm beat. I can't wait until break, because I have sleep to catch up on, I need some down time and some me time. And although i've been living in my new house since october, I still don't feel entirely at home, simply because I've hardly been at home long enough to settle in.

I'd better get to bed, tomorrow is going to be another early one.

[Snowdrop]

Congratulations on passing!

[Not Alone]

          Congratulations on becoming a certified TRE provider.

[Armee]

Wow!!!! Awesome and congratulations! That's a huge accomplsihment! And I love love love how you looked at it as being over no matter what by that evening. I'm going to try that trick myself!

And oh my goodness I can't believe you are working so much!!!!! Break cannot come soon enough. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you that this new T has openings soon enough and that she is a good fit. I'm happy with my slightly sarcastic not always gentle therapist to cut through my pretending to be fine. Pushes at the right time in the right amount.

You do deserve to feel better and have the mental freedom that comes with healing, even if you are scraping by ok.

Congrats again and rest up!!!

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks y'all.

So, change of plans, haha.

The government sent us back into full lockdown. From one day to the next, on saturday evening, they suddenly decided to close everything but the essentials per the next morning.
So suddenly I had no gym classes to teach in the morning, and on monday we had an emergency meeting at school to figure out what to do next. We ended up having the kids come to school in shifts on tuesday so that we could see them one last time, pick up their stuff and check that all their iPad's are capable of logging into teams. And then we spent the rest of the day preparing for online classes, and cleaning out the entire school. It's a shame, as we had so much planned in this last week before the xmas holidays. I had all their tests planned this week, and we had some festivities going on...

What's annoying is that everyone I talk to now says "lucky you, early holiday". Guy's, it's no holiday. I may not actually be physically at school now, but I have double the amount of work for lesson planning, as the government doesn't decide until january 3rd whether or not we'll be allowed to open the schools again on the 10th. So I have to prepare material for actual physical lessons, but I also have to prepare for online ones. And only one of them will end up being used. It's a lot of work, and half of it is going to be worthless in the end
But it's all we can do.

I will say though, this lockdown feels less stressful than last year. The main reason is that this time, I have a proper job that continues to pay me despite being closed. I don't have to worry about my rent, even though the gyms are now closed and that costs me a portion of my income.
Also, I have moved house, and I have a lot more space now. I don't have to sit in a cramped, one bedroom apartment, shuffling from my couch to my desk for a change of scenery. And I don't have to walk on eggshells for my downstairs neighbour who complains about every noise I make, because I no longer have anyone living beneath me. So I can do my workouts at home and have room to move around (even though it's boring and hard to motivate myself without my group of participants to yell at, and without being paid for it...), and I can jump without a downstairs neighbor to complain about it. Another plus is that I have a home studio now, which I bought stuff for over the summer, so I can continue to make music from the comfort of my own home.

Granted it still is frustrating as heck that I can't just live my life in freedom the way I would so much love to...but at least the circumstances are vastly better than last year.

I'm having my family over for x-mas. I'm looking forward to that as well, because it's going to be a belated birthday-housewarming-xmas get together, and it's going to be the first time that I get to host. I've never been able to do that in my house, as I've never had a big enough place to do so. And now, I have a proper grown-up house to welcome people into. Excited about that!
I bought my first x-mas tree this year (never bothered before..) and decorated it myself, just for my own pleasure. And I bought everyone a few little gifts to put underneath it as a surprise (we weren't going to do gifts this year). Getting gifts while only essential stores are open, as a challenge, but I worked out alright, I think.

You know, i'm actually quite thankful for these few extra days "off", even if it's because of lockdown. It was beautiful weather the other day, cold but sunny, the first ice on the canals. I got to sleep in, and do whatever I wanted. I can easily plan the work I still need to do for another day, so that I can enjoy this time for myself. It feels like "stolen time", because this time wasn't supposed to be mine. And thus, it doesn't matter what I do with it, because I wouldn't have had it to begin with. So i'm not losing anything, i'm not wasting any free time if I decide to do nothing at all. I like that. It's kind of like i'm hiding away, and I needed that. Usually when I have a holiday, it takes me so long to unwind and get to a point where I can relax, that the holiday is already over by the time I'm finally ready to relax. Now it's like I have a pre-vacation, so that I can actually relax in the vacation.
I do hope the gym starts providing online classes again soon though, as that will give me some work to do, some income, and it's easier to get me motivated for that, than to just be workout out in my living room by myself.

[Armee]

Oh Alter Ego that sounds so difficult and stressful to have to prepare for online and in-person instruction both and not know what it is going to be. I hope it goes faster than expected and you get to enjoy a bit of forced downtime, even though it would be better to have the gym open so you could teach and bring in that income.

That is so exciting that you are  hosting xmas this year for the first time! Enjoy it! I love the thought of a few little gifts under the tree.

[Hope67]

Hi AlterEg0,
How lovely that you're hosting Christmas for the first time, and I enjoyed reading about your tree and the preparations you've made. 

Sorry to hear about the lock-down though - hope that you are able to negotiate your way through everything ok.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok, and wishing you an enjoyable Christmas, I hope it was fun and enjoyable for you. 
Hope 

[Alter-eg0]

Pfff....i'm having a hard time and I feel like i'm on the brink of a mental breakdown or a burn-out. Not that there's anything I can do that i'm not already doing.

I'm absolutely exhausted. From work, from Covid restrictions etc, from handling triggers and flashbacks...
Lately, I've been having more and more trouble getting out of bed and i've been having a lot of anxiety. I'm going back and forth between numbness, and then being triggered into extreme anxiety or feeling depressed until my brain says: "Hey, there's nothing you can do about this anyway, you're going to have to do the thing, so..." and then I go straight back into feeling numb.
Work is tough at the moment. I love my team and I'm extremely grateful that I have a job in the first place, but it's hard. Really hard. Expecially now, with schools opening and closing, hybrid teaching, many sick colleagues... And the worst part: parents who sit in on my online classes with their kids at home, and then email me their opinions on how I teach (which is obviously way out of context and quite uncalled for). It makes me even more anxious, teaching a class and knowing that people are watching me.
Also, the principle will start visiting our classes soon and this could determine whether I get a contract at the end of this academic year. I'm so terrified that I won't get one and I'll have to find another job and start over again. I put so much effort into this, and what's more: there's a good chance i'll be at the top of the donor (sperm) list soon, which means I should be able to start trying to get pregnant some time this year. But i'm not going to do that until I'm certain that I have a job and an income that can't be taken away from me any time soon. So that contract is really important.

I don't want to go hold a pity party, but sometimes I do feel really angry and sad that life keeps throwing these ridiculous curve-balls at me. It's like I can never catch a break, I work so hard to get back on my feet and build a life for myself only to have something else fall apart. Like going forward one step, and then 3 back. I just want to cruise for a while, i've had enough.
In the past when i've felt overwhelmed or depressed, I had time to fix it and there was a lot less to lose. I feel like now the pressure is even higher, since my biological clock is ticking as well.

I met my potential new therapist last week. She seemed nice, and on the same page. She also confirmed my hunch that previous therapies didn't work because they were taking the wrong route, diagnosing me with personality disorders while there's clearly a lot of complex trauma going on that needs addressing. The only issue is that she doesn't know to what extent she can help me, since she mainly offers basic mental health care (the only thing I can get from my insurance...). She did give me a tip for someone else who can be added to the mix so that we can get more out of it, but that therapist is not covered by my insurance so i'll have to find a way to make it work.

Yesterday, I was hoping to relax a bit this weekend. I had two days with no plans, and I was feeling alright. Until that evening my dog walker called and told me that she needs to quit due to health reasons and I need to start looking for someone else. I have started looking, but finding someone who can walk my dog 4 days a week while i'm at work, is proving to be very hard. I'm really anxious about it, it's something relatively small but it's another straw on the back of this camel that I just can't handle right now.

I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and take good care of myself, but I feel like i'm cracking.

[Blueberry]

I hate that those parents are sitting in on online lessons and then commenting on your teaching. It IS uncalled for and likely to add stress to all but the most confident, experienced teachers.

I hear life is really difficult rn. I'm sorry.  Please feel the care of the forum

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0 - I appreciate you sharing your experience.  Much of what you shared resonates with me and it makes me feel less alone.  For me it is such a difficult and discouraging thing to feel like we are moving backward and to not know what else might help.  I hope that you find moments of ease as you navigate this time. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Alter,

Just wanted to say that I hear you and it is so overwhelming when all these things come up at once and aren't working out the way we want. It's hard when you've probably been disappointed growing up and hope that they turn out different this time. We can take a lot of that on. I hope you can try to see that you're doing the best that you can right now and it doesn't have to be more.

dolly