AlterEg0's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Alter-Eg0,
You have got a lot on your plate at the moment, and I really hope that you are managing to negotiate your way through it all.  I really think it's tough that you have those parents commenting on your teaching - that is really unfair.  I really hope that you will be able to get some rest and chance to recuperate.  You mentioned feeling close to burn-out, and I hope you get some support. 

Sending you a hug of support from afar,    and I hope that you've found someone to walk your dogs as well.

Hope 

[Armee]

 

Alter-Ego, anyone would be on the brink of cracking with all those stressors! I wonder if a group of teachers could ask the principal to send an all school communication to parents asking them to refrain from commenting on teaching methods....I know sometimes our principal steps in with moral type issues and issues a commandment that helps get the parents behaving more like responsible adults. Ugh. It is super unhelpful that they are doing that and adds more stress and work to your plate when there is already no room.

That's really exciting about the donor list!!! Eeeiiii! My fingers are extra crossed for that contract! Sometimes sadly numbness is how we need to get through tough periods. I hope that need for numbness lessens soon.

[Alter-eg0]

Hi guys, it's been a while.
Life has been hectic, and although i've been writing a lot, it wasn't here. I just feel the need to get something off my chest that I don't really feel comfortable sharing within my social network, so here I am.

It's my birthday this Wednesday, I turn 36. Since we haven't really been able to do social gatherings for the past few years with covid and all, I was looking forward to getting everyone together and seeing my friends again. So, about a month ago, I planned a game night for my friends that took place last night.
Unfortunately a few of my good friends weren't available, but they did let me know up front, so although I was disappointed, it was fine. Up until yesterday, the counter was on ten people who had confirmed, and six people who'd said 'maybe'. That's a pretty nice sized group for a game night, and I was really looking forward to it. I'm usually quite a hermit and I don't see my friends often, so events like these are kind of like hitting two birds with one stone. I spent the past two days preparing; baking cakes, doing groceries and just generally looking forward to it.

Then, yesterday, a few hours before the event, people started cancelling. For legitimate reasons, don't get me wrong (not that it's up to me to decide what a legitimate reason is, but you get my point), but it really bummed me out. Eventually, only four people showed up, out of the 10-12 that I was expecting. It was especially awkward in the beginning, when only two people were there and we all happened to be the more quiet of the lot, so after the standard chitchat it just kind of fell quiet. I was like, oh man, if no-one else shows up, how am I going to entertain them all evening and make sure this doesn't turn into an awkward disaster?
In the end, we did have fun with just the five of us, but it did leave me in a bit of a funk.

I feel really disappointed and sad. And I feel bad for feeling that way. I don't want to be ungrateful towards the people who did show up, and I don't want to be a d*ck towards the people who cancelled. But the whole thing just left me feeling really...unimportant and unwanted. It takes me back to the days when nobody wanted to play with me, and I never got invited anywhere.
And I can't seem to shake the feeling, I just feel really down right now.

[Blueberry]

I would feel down about that too. But you sound triggered on top of it. 

I'm glad you came on to post about it.

[Armee]

 

Exactly what Blueberry said. I'm glad you posted about it, it is legitimately upsetting on it's own, AND it sounds like you are triggered on top of it making an upsetting situation even more upsetting.

I'd be in the same mental state right now too in that situation.

I am really glad though that the small group of you did have fun. Disappointment and gratitude can be there together. It's OK to feel that way.

Just take care of that triggered part. You are loved and worthwhile. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Alter,

I understand what you wrote and would feel similar. I think CPTSD leaves us feeling like we don't matter to people and this maybe brought up some of that old stuff, even though people can be generally flakey, and self absorbed. I would probably take a similar approach too, in being more choosey about who I give my time to if they don't reciprocate. I'm still setting boundaries and getting over my people pleasing behaviour.

I just wanted to say that your post on covert narcissism and your f came to mind when thinking about NPD in my family and I found it helpful to see your experience, and how you came to the conclusion that something wasn't right.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Alter,
I only saw your post today - so I know your Birthday is in the past now, but I wanted to pass on belated Birthday greetings to you 

I am so sorry that you had those cancellations at fairly last minute, and I completely understand how that would be upsetting and triggering on top.  I'm glad you posted about it too. 

I feel sure that your party was an enjoyable one to the guests who came to share it with you, and the ones who missed it, well they missed out!

Hope :-)

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks guys.

I'm having a rough day.

Took my dog to the vet this morning, because his swollen face probably meant another infected tooth. I was right, but as I already saw coming, there's a little more to take into account this time.
The vet said that he has a significant heart murmur, his kidneys are rapidly on the decline and he has arthritis. If we want to pull those teeth, he'll need an echo of his heart before they'll even consider putting him under, and the odds are that he won't wake up. If he does, his health will deteriorate faster after that, and he'll need to get a whole lot done about those kidneys and joints, too.
The other option is painkillers, which will make him comfortable, but it'll wreck his kidneys and it's not a long term solution.

Obviously, at almost 16 years old, I knew this day would come. The vet said that we needed to consider if I want to put him through all that when he's already on borrowed time, or whether I want to let him go. And I know that's the most humane thing to do. But i'm going to miss him so much...he's my best friend and he's all i've got.
I spoke to his previous owner who is still in the loop, and we decided it would be best to find someone who can euthanize him at home, because he's always so scared of the vet.
We've booked someone for next weekend.

I know it's for the best. I'm just heartbroken.

[milkandhoney11]

I'm so sorry to hear this, it really must be a tremendously difficult time for you. I'm thinking of you and send you strength so that you can get through this somehow

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry AlterEgo, I have little furbabies and i know what it's like. Gentle   

[Armee]

Gentle hugs. There's no words to make this better. I'm sorry. Much love to you and your pup. 

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you AlterEg0. 

[Alter-eg0]

Hi guys, it's been a while.

By now, it's been about 6 weeks since I had to have my dog put to sleep. It's been a journey.
We found someone to come and do it at home, which was a good move. We planned the appointment a week after we found out about the whole thing. Then, I spent his entire last week doing everything together with him and pampering him, and I even had a little goodbye party where a bunch of friends who knew him, came over to say goodbye. It was a rough week, I ended up getting sent home from work one morning because I just couldn't keep it together. I was talking to my supervisor, and when she asked how I was doing, I burst into tears and she told me to go home. I've never taken a sick day in my entire teaching career, so that was...an experience. But I was grateful for it, because I could spend some more precious time with my dog.

The vet booked us in as probably his first client of the day, because they arrived pretty early in the morning. His previous owner was there too, along with her boyfriend, her sister, and another close friend who has known our dog since he was taken out of the shelter. I was glad they were all there, Adje passed away on my lap, surrounded by love and being cuddled until the very end. After that, we burried him in my back yard and planted a tree on top of it.

Getting used to being alone, has been rough. Adje was a central point in my life, i'm reminded of him with everything I do. I got used to the freedom pretty quickly, but I haven't gotten used to being without my best friend. I still talk to him every day, and I miss him dearly.

One thing that has helped, is that i've been (casually) seeing someone lately, for the first time in six years. I've known him for a while, he was the bass player in my previous band. I'd been thinking about it for a while, I mean, he's cute and kind, we're both adults, so why not. But I held off because, you know, you don't scr*w your colleagues. But somewhere at the beginning of november, he decided to leave the band and eventually we disbanded altogether. So I figured, I have no excuses left, I have nothing to lose, might as well ask. Well, he was up for it and we decided to, well, 'netflix and chill' some time. And that went really well.
That was at the end of November, literally days before I took Adje to the vet. We've been seeing each other regularly since, and it's been great. I'm trying not to get all TMI over here, but probably the best experiences i've ever had, in so many ways. Quite frankly, it's almost a healing experience. At the very least, i'm having a lot of fun and it's making a rough time a lot more bearable, haha. It's a casual thing, simply because we're both single and everyone has needs, but we're getting to know each other better along the way and I find that to be quite enjoyable as well. I never really got to know him that well before, because as two introverts, neither of us spoke much, we just played music. But with the conversations we're having now, I'm finding more and more things that we have in common and I really enjoy his company. So that's nice No idea where it'll lead, if anywhere at all, but it's exactly what I need at this moment.

Anyway, i'm off to teach a class.

[rainydiary]

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog companion.  I'm grateful you had the opportunity to transition with them like you did and hope their absence shifts over time to feel less big. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Alter-Ego,

I'm sorry for your loss too. The passing of my pet was one of the most emotional things I went through. For me, she was probably the first thing to love me unconditionally and it's such a big connection.

Hope that things go well with your new connection. My t tells me that it's good to be friends first as I think it's much less activating on our attachment systems.

Sending you support,
dolly