AlterEg0's Journal

[Alter-eg0]

I've been toying with the idea of starting a journal here. It took me a while,  but here I am 

I'm in a weird place. Some kind of 'in between'. Where you're not really 'sick' anymore, or at least, not visibly. But there are still things that need work. And it's hardest when people then see you as a functional adult and expect more from you than you feel you can offer at that time. I feel like the deepest, hardest-to-kick patterns are only coming to the surface now. In part because the superficial stuff has been resolved, and in part because so much * hit the fan over the past two years, that I can't really look away anymore. I don't feel safe enough in my own skin and in my social connections to share everything that i'm dealing with at the moment. So I guess starting a journal here is a good first step.

Short back story for context, for anyone who wants to know *TW*:

I'm a female in my 30's. Throughout my childhood, some hard things happened. An immigration and a re-migration, sexual abuse by a neighbour, a lot of bullying by peers.
In my late teens/early 20's, I was in an unhealthy codependant realtionship and I got married. I divorced about 1,5 years later. Around that time, I also started struggling with my mental health more than ever before. I became depressed, developed an eating disorder, self harmed, and was suicidal. I spent about 10 years in the whole mental health world. In and out of therapy, psych wards, on all kinds of meds, etc. The term CPTSD was never coined, I didn't figure that out until later. In the mean time, I did manage to finish my studies, get a job, and all that other stuff you're supposed to do.

A few years ago, I finally got the right kind of help. I fully recovered and was doing really well. I also retrained, so that I could make a carreer switch. In 2019, I took the dive and quit my job to start my own business, together with my father. Shortly after, I discovered that my father isn't who I thought he was. A whole lot of sh*t went down, and a lifetime of lies and abuse came to light. My father is a communal narcissist. I broke contact with my father, losing my business, my dreams, future plans and not to mention my income in the process. I did manage to find a little part-time job to stay afloat, and I started to rebuild my business. Just when I started to feel like things were getting better, and I had time to process and heal, the pandemic came along.

Currently, i'm in survival mode. I feel like i'm back at square one, although I rationally know that i'm not. I just have a lot of new information now, and a lot to process. Granted, some old wound have re-opened and some things were uncovered that I didn't even know were there. I think that's a good thing, although I don't feel "happy" about it, haha. I'm coping better than I would have a few years ago. I'm doing the best I can, and i'm surviving without harming myself, I know there's a lot of work to do, a lot of healing to be done, etc. I know that's a good thing, yet at the same time I find myself feeling really hopeless and frustrated a lot of the time. And mostly, very very alone.
So that's about it in a nutshell.

[Alter-eg0]

Today I had a performance review at work.

The work I do is nothing special, just a way to pay the bills. It's a perfectly fine job, but it's not like I'm passionate about it or plan to turn it into a career.
I do my best, and I do my work pretty damn well, if I may say so myself.

Anywho, the performance review hit me hard. In particular, because my boss had exactly the same feedback for me, that my boss at my previous job had for me two years ago.
At the time, I was so hurt and frustrated that it was the last little push that I needed in order to resign and start working for myself. In retrospect, I was definitely running away.
And I thought that if I would be my own boss, I wouldn't have to worry about that stuff anymore. But as you can see, it has reared it's ugly head once again, and I need to ask myself:
if I keep hearing the same thing, is it true? Is it something that I do need to address? The thought terrifies me, angers me, frustrated me, and makes me very sad. But i'm worried that if I don't, it's going to keep showing up on my path.

She told me that she gets the feeling that I don't really like my job, my colleagues, my customers. That I don't really feel connected to any of them. Some of the things I'm asked to work on, is for example, making more smalltalk or investing in "relationships" with said colleagues or customers.
Here's the thing: I feel like the way that I show care or interest, is not aligned with how others do this, or expect to see this. I'm introverted, and I can't stand smalltalk. Also, i'm just not a very overtly expressive person. Except when i'm on stage, but that's a whole other story. (Side note; the fact that I seem extroverted on stage does confuse many people into thinking that i'm just arrogant or not interested, when they meet me in real life and i'm really quiet and keep to myself).


I show that I care, mostly with actions. And often times, these are quiet, secret, rather invisible. Because doing it "out in the open" terrifies me. And I also have a hard time talking about things that I feel going on in interactions, below the surface. For example, if I feel that someone is having a hard time, or (god forbid) that someone is angry, I'll avoid it bringing attention to it. Not because I don't care, but because i'm terrified. I'll work my * off, pick up shifts, pick up tasks that others don't get round to, I'm someone who does a lot "behind the scenes". Also, It's not that I don't connect with anyone. In fact, there are a few colleagues that I get along with really well and that I even consider friends now. But obviously, my boss doesn't know that who I speak to in my free time, or how we interact when she's not there.

An example: I had a colleague who recently fell on the ground, in eyeshot of where I was standing. I saw it happen. She got really angry, threw her things on the ground, mumbled that she'd be back, and ran out the door. My heart was in my throat. I picked up her things and neatly folded them, and laid them out for her for when she got back. That was, I suppose, my way of showing her that I care. But I never asked her if she was ok. Not even after she came back. I was scared that i'd make it more awkward for her. So I hoped that my gesture of taking care of her things, would be enough to convey the message. But today in the performance review, my boss told me that my colleague had felt that I "didnt see her". I felt awful.

The first time (at my old job) that my boss called me out on this, I was very hurt. I always work hard, I always try hard. I'm always there, perfect attendance. I'm the person that people come to (again, behind the scenes) when they need someone to talk to, or when * hits the fan. Something needs to be done? I'm there. But i'm also introverted, I keep to myself, and I value my own time. And I felt like I wasn't being appreciated as I was, and for what I did, because I didn't meet the standard for HOW they wanted me to do it. I felt like they expected me to be more extroverted, and that i'd have to take on a persona that didn't fit me, just to be valued. I felt like I wasn't being seen, in all the steps i'd taken. In how far i'd come, and in how much I did offer (albeit in my own way). Needless to say, I felt rejected. And I left.

And now, in my current job, a job where (simple as it is) I certainly hadn't expected this to be an issue for anyone....here it is again!
So now i'm sitting here feeling frustrated and all kinds of things mixed together. Frustrated that "the world" was harsh enough to me as a child, casting me out when I tried to connect, that it damaged my ability to connect. And now that I've done my best to heal (and am still doing so) and venture back into the world, and make do with what I can do...i'm cast out yet again, but this time for not connecting. It seems so unfair. And I don't want to throw a pity party, but there is that hurt child in my who feels pretty bad right now. All she's thinking is, for the love of god, leave me alone! Let me be! Just let me be me, instead of constantly trying to fit me into your mold.

And as an adult, I realise that if this is the feedback i'm getting from multiple angles...there must be some truth in it. And I can stay angry at the world, but the only one I can change, is me.
It means there's work to do, again, but I'm so tired. Ugh.

[Alter-eg0]

Today was a little better. Having a few days/nights to let it settle and put it all back into perspective does help (at least to get out of the EF). I realize that when she said it, I got back into that feeling of not belonging, of being incompetent and worth less than others, and that feeling of impending doom/going to be cast out). Now that it's had some time to settle, I don't really agree with everything that she said. There's obviously some truth in it, but it's not as black and white as it felt yesterday.

Obviously, my boss doesn't see everything I do. What tasks I perform without anyone asking me to. Which customers I do talk to, or what kind of "bond" I have with some of them. The way that she makes customers feel seen, is different from how I do it. And mine, in my opinion, is equally valid and needed. It's not my fault that she doesn't see that, but next time we talk about this, I will be more prepared in what I can say to illustrate this. For example, not all customers want to chat. Some may be very happy that there's someone like me who lets them go about their business, and who already knows their ususal order (and has it ready for them) when they show up. That's my style, and in my opinion, there's worth in that , too.
Also, she's not always around to see how I interact with colleagues, and I probably behave differently when she's around, too. I noticed at work this morning, with my regular morning colleagues, that we blend really well together and have fun. Just because my boss doesn't know/see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

As for the "not being flexible enough", well, I beg to differ. I do my best, within my boundaries. And i'll admit that I am very protective of my autonomy (with good reason). But I already explained to her, that this can be resolved with better communication (e.g. actually asking me if i'm availible before changing my timetable and sending it to me without a heads up).
Also, it's strange to me that my flexibility and my willingness is being judged by comparing my overtime with others. The fact that we are all consistently doing overtime and that this is considered normal, in my opinion, is weird. Why do we all have a contract for a certain numer of hours, then? I think the fact that I work overtime at all, shows enough willingness.
And the fact that I sometimes say no, is perfectly normal. I'm not a pown, i'm a human being with a life outside of work,

I also spoke to some of my collegues about this, this morning. They were as irritated as I was, and had enough to say about the matter. I was also happy to hear that they do not find me to be "not social enough".

The only thing that worries me, is that my boss is still in a position of authoroty. Weather I/we agree or not, she has the power to day, if you don't agree, I won't extend your contract (and i'll go find someone who does). Which is her right (although, good like finding new people every few months, who like being treated like pawns). And losing my job, especially now, would be disastrous.

Anyway, I don't want to make it sound like she's that bad (she's quite nice, she's just not good at being a boss, to be honest...) and I don't want to sound recalcitrant. I do take responsibility for the element of truth in what she said, and i'm willing to work on those things.
The task of making more small-talk and "being more social" seemed really daunting, because I felt like I had to do it with everyone, all the time, and right away. Instead, i've decided to set an intention: break the ice with at least one person (that feels safe enough) every day. And by ice, I mean the ice inside myself. It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be anything and it can depend on how I feel that day. It's more about stretching my comfort zone. And I won't beat myself up if I skip a day or I fail (thats why I set an intention, instead of a goal). But it's a good start, and today I already managed to chat with one customer that I vaguely know.

[Blueberry]

AlterEgo,
I want to let you know that I read your posts. I see you making progess. I hear that you have stepped back a bit and really thought about what your boss said and also what your female colleague said not feeling seen and you've formed your opinions without taking all their stuff onboard    It really doesn't seem to me from what you wrote that you're responsible for the colleague who collapsed. I mean, not responsible for giving her the empathy or recognition she wanted the way she wanted it.

I can't really say anymore because I'm still too mixed up about my own issues, except that my Journals on here have been very helpful for me, I hope yours turn out that way for you too.
Blueberry

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks Blueberry, for your validation.
It's already helping to be able to vent and then take a step back, and to do this in a safe place.

[Alter-eg0]

The past few days have been double.

I've been taking steps as I intended to do. Making an effort to connect with at least one person every day, as promised. I don't always feel like it, and it takes a lot of energy, so I need to remind myself why i'm doing it. Sometimes, it actually feels good.

My boss is on holiday this week, and it's nice to to have her around breathing down our necks for a while.

Despite the fact that i'm making an effort, I also feel a lot of resentment and hopelessness towards the "you're not social enough" situation.
Sometimes I feel like there's no place for (someone like) me in this world. It can really make me angry, frustrated, sad and anxious. The way people can say "just be yourself", but mean "no, not like that." I'm an introvert, who also happends to have CPTSD resulting in social anxiety and awkwardness. And I know that i've made huge progress, but to the outside world, especially those who don't know how I used to be, i'm still "not social enough". What makes matters worse, is that I'm completely different on stage. When i'm performing or teaching, i'm in my "stage persona", i'm fun, energetic, powerful. And when I'm offstage, i'm quiet, low key, withdrawn, shy even. Many people who know my stage persona, get confused by this. If i'm quiet in real life, they assume that i'm arrogant, that I don't like them, that i'm in a bad mood, whatever. Both my current boss, and my boss at my previous job, have made this comparison. I tell them i'm fine and that i'm just an introvert, and they will say: "But you do it on stage...why don't you do it here?"
Well, because if I did that, i'd be burned out within a day or two.
It frustrates me that people are forever trying to drag me out of my comfortable place. And i'm perfectly aware that there's a little truth in what they say, yes, I can let go of some fears, get more comfortable, resulting in more spontaneous interaction. And yes, I get lonely. Yes, part of me being withdrawn is more fear-based than just introversion. But it's almost like they expect that if i'm no longer afraid, i'll become a raging extrovert. And the little steps that I take, just aren't good enough for them.
Come on guys, how about you let me be me and get to know me, instead of trying to force me to be someone else?
And part of me doesn't care what they think, but the other part is like...well, if I don't make an effort, i'll continue to lose people, and even jobs! How am I supposed to survive in this society, as a no-much-of-a-people-person....

I just want to be (allowed to be) me.

[Alter-eg0]

Something i've noticed over the past two or three weeks, is that i'm finally starting to relax a bit when i'm off work. This sounds weird, I mean, when you're free, you're free. Right?

Comparing this to the past two years since I quit my job and started my own business, the difference is definitely showing. It's becomeing clear to me now, how much i've been running on adrenaline and numbing myself. Although I had time off (probably more than when I worked as a teacher), I could never really relax. I always felt this knawing in the back of my mind, that I should be doing something. Anything business-related that I could write up hours for. And business was always running in the back of my head. Anxiety over things to come, whether it be a difficult client, feeling insecure about my competence, worries about money, whatever. There was always something. And sometimes I'd "block it out", but that isn't really relaxing either. That's just numbness, and it's still draining, even though you can't feel it happening.
Then when everything with my dad happened, I went into survival mode. So all those unprocessed feelings are still swirling around, and triggers are everywhere. And then Covid hit and caused even more trouble, so i've literally been in full on survival mode for two years straight. I'm so tired, and yet I felt like even when I was technically 'free', my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Anyway, at the end of 2020, I finished my second year as an entrepreneur, finished up all my administration, and came to the conclusion that for 2021, I wasn't going to bother with it.
Like, i'm not going to bother trying to make enough hours to qualify as an entrepreneur for tax reasons. I've already lost my office, my clients, and with all the covid restrictions, there's a slim chance that i'll be up and running again this year. And to be honest, with everything that's happened, I don't even really want to anymore. I wasn't ready for it when I started, and I feel less ready now. And there are other things that I want more than this. So I just want to continue working those few hours at the supermarket for as long as I need to, while I wait for a better job to come along. And in the mean time, i'm not going to go out of my way to keep my company up and running, or to rebuild it. Whatever happens, happens.
I felt such a sense of relief when I decided that. Especially since, if anyone asks, and I don't feel like explaining why I "quit", I can just blame covid. I don't need to explain all the other stuff that goes into it, unless I feel comfortable doing so. It's such a relief to let go of doing all those things that i'm too scared to do. It's such a relief that I don't have to spend every waking hour (and sleeping hour for that matter) "switched on". It took a while for my nervous system to catch up though.

Over the past week or two, I found myself waking up on my day off, taking it easy and doing whatever I wanted, and just drinking coffee on the couch watching youtube...without feeling on edge or guilty. I just realized, hey, i'm actually free today, and i'm allowed to hit here and do nothing. And I exhaled, and let it go. I also found myself playing computer games, or suddenly noticing things that I used to enjoy...and actually enjoying them. Even discovering some new hobbies. It's like i'm slowly thawing.
I still shoot back into freeze at the drop of a hat, but it's progress none the less. I'm starting to come back down to earth. I sure hope the earth starts coming back to earth too 

[Alter-eg0]

I am SO pissed right now!

It's 22:00 and I just got an email from my boss, stating that she's been changing the work schedule again.
Last week we had that performance interview where I was told, in a nutshell, that I wasn't flexible enough, and that I wasn't invested enough/social enough. She was referring mainly to the fact that I can't just take any random shift or make insane amounts of overtime, because I have a second job (and a life) outside of this job. I work the amount of hours that I have on my contract, and help out with extra shifts where I can, but apparently that's not good enough.

And now she sent us this new schedule, and she's put me down for two sunday shifts a month (alternating weeks), knowing full and well that I generally can't work weekends and evenings since that's when I do my other job. Technically i'm free sunday afternoon, so that's why I sometimes take that shift if they need someone. Even though it's a long day for me, since I already have my other job on sunday morning. So now, i'm stuck with this sunday that I never wanted to begin with. And if I say no, I already know she's going to refer to my "not being flexible enough" again, with the risk of not getting my contract renewed. But if I say yes, i'll be working myself to the bone. It's a lose/lose situation.

And she sends this just before bedtime, too. I was tired, and now i'm just worked up. 

[deepbreaths]

Hi AlterEg0. It sounds like you have a lot going on trying to manage the situation with your boss. I'm sorry, it sounds very frustrating, and I also get triggered when people change plans impacting  me without asking! It sounds like, despite that, you are doing a great job of staying in touch with your needs and boundaries.

[Alter-eg0]

It's been a little while. Just haven't been motivated to write, although there's plenty happening, good and not so good.

First off: I'm now an aunt! I went to visit, and my ovaries exploded. That brings me to the second point: this week I had an appointment at the fertility clinic to get an ultrasound. Just to check that everything is looking good down there, for future baby purposes. I'm on the waiting list for a donor, and should be at the top of the list about a year from now. Next week I need to go back for bloodwork. It's exciting and terrifying all at once. Terrifying for the most part because i'm all alone where I live, meaning that my family all lives far away and most of my closeby friends don't have or want kids. That's a bit of a scary thought when I think about becoming a single mom. I know i'll need help if i'm going to work and raise a kid by myself, and I know things will work themselves out along the way, but it's still scary. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. But I want children so bad, that it's worth it.

Another important step: I made an appointment with a psychologist who is specialised in the name-changing process. We have a call on monday, and if I decide to go through with it, she will be writing up the report that I will need in order to file the request. It's expensive and a huge hassle, but i'm actually excited about it.

I've been talking to some people at work, and it turns out that the vast majority of us feel that our boss is not doing the best job when it comes to communication. Today, one of my collegues ended up throwing everything on the table with her, in a more blunt way than the rest of us have done up until now. The question is: will he get is contract renewed next week, or will the boss fire him and continue doing what she's doing. In the mean time, I feel better knowing i'm not the only one who's frustrated with her. It's not just me, and it's not my fault. At the same time, i'm frustrated that I can't really stick up for myself more than I already have, for fear of losing my job in the middle of a pandemic. I'm currently looking at other jobs, but have not found anything viable yet. It causes anxiety sometimes. Other times, I just trust that this too will sort itself out in time. One way or another.

I'm a little worries about money. Money is tight. I'm surviving, but there's no wiggle room and it's not sustainable. I'm constantly worrying about the future. Hence the need for a new job, especially now that Covid ruimed my business.
My tax return won't be as big as expected, so I can't do all the things that I was planning to do. I can afford the name change, but may not be able to replace my car just yet. It's no disaster, i'm sure the car will last a little longer, but it makes me feel anxious knowing that it could give out (que expensive repairs) at any time. I also still really want to move, but I haven't been on the waiting list long enough to get a place that is better than what I have. Fingers crossed on that one.

I've still been working on making contact at least once a day. I think it's been going well, even though it's really awkward at times, and often I really don't feel like it.
I need to keep reminding myself that i'm doing it for me, and it will make my life easier and more fulfilling in the end. However, I still have those moments where I really feel like there's no place for an introverted weird person like me.

Anyway, that's my little update for now.

[Alter-eg0]

Today I had an appointment with an independant psychologist who is willing to help me get my name changed. I was nervous when she called, because I didn't know how I was going to "convince" her of my case. Thankfully, she told me right away that she was already 'beside me', and assumed that if I had gone so far as to contact her, she was going to assume that I had a good reason to want this. She said that it was more a matter of organising the story in a way that will sway the people who will be deciding.
I had already written the letter of motivation that she needed, and furthermore we just talked for about a half hour, with her asking a bunch of questions. It was emotional, but it was good.
She said that she thinks my chances are pretty good. If I want to go through with it, I can let her know and she'll start writing up the report. The whole process is going to take a few months and cost a lot of money, but I already feel so relieved. Today was good. Progress.

[Alter-eg0]

I've been so increadibly tired lately. Yet, at the same time, I'm feeling so much more relaxed. It's weird how those things can go together.

I find myself more and more letting go of things that aren't really serving me at the moment (not forcefully expelling or fighting, just letting them be until they fade). For example, this sounds really silly, but for years now, i've been doing this thing where I will jog on the spot (at home), just to meet a step- or calorie goal on my smart watch. It wasn't really bothering me, but I know rationally that it's kind of silly to be doing this alongside all the work and workouts I already do. Sometimes i'd even do it before going to the gym, just to make sure I hit my mark (the arbitrary 3000 kcal a day). And in my brain it had become this thing that made me feel like I was in control, productive, and wouldn't gain too much weight. In a way, a remnant of my anorexic past, even though I wouldn't consider this jogging thing disordered. It doesn't control my life, and I always figured i'd just keep doing it until I got tired of it. Well, I got tired of it.
I'd been having trouble with a foot injury that wouldn't let up despite physio, and I also found myself having trouble just doing things like sitting back to read a book or play a game, because i'd always feel like I still had to move more. So I decided to stop doing it for at least a week, and see what happened. Nudged myself through the discomfort. And then found that it really made me feel better to just sit the f*ck down and not have to do anything all day. I mean, i'm always telling people that recovery time is just as important as workout time. But I wan't really giving myself any downtime. Huh. Also, my foot is feeling a bit better. And i've even lost some weight (probably the cortisol levels getting back to normal, haha).

I simultaniously find myself getting more back into the habit of intuitive eating. Just having whatever I want, whenever I want, no questions asked. Over the past few months i'd been chewing and spitting food, which is clearly a coping thing that's (for me) kind of a safe midway between normal eating and full blown eating disorder. These past few weeks I haven't done it at all. Haven't even really felt the need. I'm just chilling.

I've been just letting myself do what I want, however frivolous or silly it may seem (wohoo, pokemon planet). It helps balance out the hard work, and also is helping me get back into contact with myself. Be myself. Figure out who I am in the first place. It's like i'm starting to come home.

Things are by no means perfect, I have a long way to go. But i'm glad to be feeling better, slowly but surely.


i've been having trouble with my right foot since november, probably plantar fascitis. Been seeing the fysio for it, but it was not really letting up.

[Alter-eg0]

I'm feeling really sad today. Last night, too.
I saw a picture on instagram, from the school I used to work at.

I miss my school. I miss my students. I miss teaching. I miss my colleagues. I miss my tribe. I miss feeling like i'm contributing. I miss feeling at home. I miss belonging. I miss feeling like I know what i'm doing with my life. I miss my sense of security. I miss my future prospects, my plans, hopes and dreams. I miss that part of my identity. I miss my life. I miss myself.

I feel like i'm in limbo. Like i've broken up with someone I still love, realized i've made a mistake, and now i'm watching them move on without me. And i'm still standing here.
Doing what I can, or what I should, just to survive. But my heart isn't in it.

Whenever I see them, I feel that happy, secure, belonging feeling for a split second until my brain kicks in and remembers what's up.

I feel heartbroken. Even more so when someone says: "Just get a new job.' It feels the same to me as when a beloved pet or a friend dies, and people say: "Just get a new one".
It wasn't just a job to me. I don't want to "just get a new one". I can't even explain what it meant to me. And then people ask why I left, and that's a long story of manipulation, misinformation, broken promises. I'm aware that I chose to leave. Yet, it wasn't really what I wanted. It was what I thought I was supposed to want.

I just want my life back.

[Alter-eg0]

I've noticed lately that i've been slowly feeling 'more like myself'. Like I said before, letting go of things that no longer serve me, and "collecting" things that do.
Silly, seemingly trivial example, selling clothes that I don't really like or that don't suit/fit me (anymore), and using that money to buy items that really speak to me. I recently got a new tattoo that i'd been wanting for ages, with musical notes/keys on my fingers. I got real dreads done in november. Yesterday I even put make-up on (normally I can't be bothered, but I just felt like it). And I caught myself looking in the mirror, and feeling "hey, I recognise myself! And I like what I see". It's obviously not just physical or superficial stuff, but this is an example, and it feels good.

Today I recieved the last documents I needed to file for my name change, so I took care of that right away. It will take 4 to 6 months before I hear back. Fingers crossed!

[rainydiary]

And I caught myself looking in the mirror, and feeling "hey, I recognise myself! And I like what I see".

This part really stood out to me.  Best wishes with your paperwork.