Book recommendations - perfectionism

[Snookiebookie2]

Perfectionism making my life a misery again!

Can anyone recommend a self help book? Or techique. Or website.  Anything would be appreciated.

Thank you x

[Alter-eg0]

Hi Snookie,

Two things have helped me a lot with perfectionism.

1. Realizing that perfectionism has a positive intention. In many cases, it serves to protect yourself from losing connection. (For example, the fear that if you are not good enough or don't do well enough, someone will get mad or not like you anymore, and that person can be someone else, humanity in general, or yourself). The fear of losing connection, falls in line with not knowing how to "repair" a connection when there's a disagreement, confrontation, disappointment, etc. Which makes sense, in many people with CPTSD. We have often had bad experiences or role-models with this. We learn that failure or imperfection means loss of connection with the other person, and/or with ourselves. Sometimes to the extent where we have to disconnect from ourselves in order to please the other.
In realizing this, I've found that it helps to focus on what you can do: what criteria factually need to be met, and how can you adequately and realisticly prepare for those or work on those. What is factually what you need to do/can do, to be prepared or to do the task well. And then also: if something doesn't work out the way it should, how can you repair it. For example: is it a matter of apologising? And can you ask what is needed to make it right?
This way, you focus on what your own 'power' is in the situation. Your own responsibility, if you will. Instead of focussing on what lies outside yourself and your own power.

2. What's the standard?
A lot of the time, perfectionism comes from holding a standard that is too high, not your own, or unclear to begin with. And if that's the case, you never win. So make sure you know what the standard is, that you need to meet in order to succeed. If you find that the standard is unclear, make sure you clarify it. If it turns out it's someone elses standard, ask yourself if you agree with it, or whether you want to change the criteria to something that fits you. And if the standard you hold is one that you hold too high, hey, it's your's, so you can also choose to change it and put it at a point where you can actually succeed. If you feel resistance to doing that (which is often the case), see point 1.

I don't know if any of what I just said makes sense, or works for you. But it did help me out a lot, and maybe it suits you too

[jamesG.1]

Derren Brown's Happy. Anything Stoicism.