Attachment style & Pets

[Alter-eg0]

I recently had an interesting, unexpected experience (in retrospect, I probably should have expected it, haha) and I was curious if any of you recognise it.

I have a dog. I love him to bits, but we did have a rough start (mostly on my part). We have always had family dogs, and ever since I got out on my own, I wanted a dog. It was never an option because of my being alone and combining it with work etc, but three years ago, the opportunity popped up to adopt a dog. He's a rescue and has seen countless shelters and family's, so he has some attatchment issues of his own (hates other dogs, but clings anxiously to humans), and he's a quirky, bouncy little sweetheart.

I'm a little nervous about sharing this, because i'm afraid of being judged for how I felt. But i'm going to share this here, as it's a safe space.
As much as I wanted him, and as prepared as I was...When I first got him, I felt horrible. I felt trapped, I looked forward to the days that he'd be staying somewhere else and i'd be free, I was even secretly calculating "how many years we had to go", and I felt like i'd made a big mistake. At the same time, I didn't want to give up, and I was terrified that people would find out how I felt. I knew i'd be judged and they'd think I was a horrible person. To be clear, I would NEVER hurt him, this all played out in my head, and I made sure that these feelings never reflected in how I cared for him. Although, being as sensitive as dogs are, he probably did feel the distance, too.

I have an avoidant dismissive attachment style. And it may be naieve, but I'd never expected this to play out with an animal. Especially since we'd always had dogs in the home before, i'd just never been the only caretaker. Also, i'd had pets before (mice, rats, fish, birds) and never had that feeling. I suppose the panic I felt, was triggered by the fact that a dog is so much more 'human-like' than those other pets. They are so much more "interactive", and requires actual bonding, opening my heart to him, making more sacrifices and being more responsible for someone other than myself. I mean, a goldfish isn't going to stare me down for 'not giving him attention'. A dog certainly will.
So suddenly I found myself not being able to just do whatever I wanted, stay out whenever I felt like it...everything I did, I had to take my dog into account. And so I felt trapped.
Subconcioiusly, it was probably also that deep-down fear of abandonment; I know he's not going to be around forever, so why would I bond with him and lose him in the end?

Anyway, it literally took me over a year to break through that wall. I feel guilty that it took me so long, honestly. But i'm glad that we sorted it out.
The interesting thing is; it was resolved in a dream. I remember that my dog was out staying the night at a sitter while I was away on business. And that night, I dreamt that his previous owner had come to pick him up, and found a new owner for him over the internet, without telling me about it. In my dream, I thought i'd be relieved, but I was intensely sad. I asked if I could come to say goodbye, but when I went to their place, I could hear them in the distance but I couldn't find them. And I was devastated, crying my eyes out.
When I woke up, I missed him enormously and couldn't wait to pick him up. It's like that dream showed broke through the wall and all of a sudden I could feel how much I actually love him, and let it in. We've been fine ever since.

I honestly think that this was a really important step. Maybe even a first step towards healing that avoidant attachment around humans as well. I like to think that my dog had played a really important part in my healing.

Thoughts?

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you offering this and find myself relating to many aspects of what you shared.  I have thought a lot about attachment in the past year and my issues with it come out in how I care for my cat.  I am more of an anxious attachment style so grow incredibly anxious when I am not around my cat.  My biggest fear is her getting out my house and running away.  I dream about it a lot.  Recently she did get out of the house but it was ok.  I also feel odd guilt in that she was a stray and no one at the shelter wanted her because she is a reserved (my interpretation: traumatized) cat.  I definitely read myself into her experience.  But I find that she is the right pet for me.  We give each other the space and care we need.  It's also helped me to establish a pet sitter relationship and my cat really likes her pet sitter which helps with my anxiety when I am away from her. 

I hope you continue to enjoy your dog and see what else the relationship brings you. 

[Bella]

Alter-eg0;
If you only knew how much I needed to read this!!
I'm in the exact same situation with my dog! Been feeling so bad, cause I know I reject her. Not all the time I have to say... I take her for walks several times a day, give her all the food she needs, give her cuddles and play with her. I just can't cope with all the attention she wants from me. It's like whatever I do give her is never enough or good enough. Parts of the day I just need my space! These last couple of days she has started to reject me too! And that scares me.....
I am so freaking scared I'm gonna mess up this little beauty. She deserves so much more! I've had her for 4 months now...
and yes... I'm also really scared of being judged as a terrible pet-owner.

Your post made me feel hopeful though! I hope I can have a dream like you, that will fix the attachment between us,  and I hope it won't take a year! We need it!
Thank you for this!