(TW: child abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, violence... you name it because i just started and don't know what all's gonna come up.)
Where do I start? I figured I'd start one of these specifically for this even though I write long-hand in a notebook every few days. That's "regular" stuff.
I talk on the phone for the job I have at the moment. (I'm doing COVID-19 contact tracing.) Some people are not nice at all. In general, it's the men who are aggressive or belligerent or just outright butts on the phone. The women just hang up. (It's the minority of my calls, but still hard to take) I always end it politely, but once I hang up, I either cry or curse at the screen lately. Strangely, the one that triggered most of this was someone who was actually quite nice. he lives in the rich and white part of town and his daughter is still going to competitive gym classes 3x a week, even though those are supposed to be closed. (yes, i anonymously reported the gym.) He made some joking throwaway comment about it costing way too much and that was it. I remembered a comment my MPU (male parental unit, he doesn't deserve to be called Daddy or father) made when he made me quit girl scouts because it was a "waste of money." I ended up taking a week off work with all the junk that came up, including a memory of some abuse. Now, I actually don't remember anything before the age of 6, so that was shocking. I'd had a memory I never forgot of one instance of sexual abuse, but my whole life I'd convinced myself it wasn't that bad and it was only one incident. other people had it worse, not much happened, the whole spiel. I haven't seen my MPU since I was 18, I don't even know where he is, really. So confronting him isn't really possible. Mom passed away in 2013 and honestly, I'm glad she doesn't know about this. it would have broken her heart, I think.
My BFF (like super BFF, we even have each other's powers of attorney just in case) is a social worker and brilliant. He's the first person in my entire life I ever told about that one incident. After a long discussion and an informal giving of the ACE test, he suggested I *might* want to look at complex PTSD and recommended a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk". I got it off Amazon and started reading up on CPTSD. Nearly everything I found was like... Holy carp. This is me, I do that, I've felt that, yes, check mark, etc. not everything, but enough to make me realize this wasn't going away, was connected to my physical issues, and wouldn't get better without actual professional help. M (my BFF) told me about trauma-informed care and what experience to look for. A few more memories came up during that time off, which sucked. I ended up finding someone who I think I can work well with. She knew exactly what I meant, also loved that book, and has great experience. it's gonna be hard, but I also look forward to working it out, if that makes sense. I also bought a teddy bear for comfort. At age 50, I *have* my first teddy bear, but I'm not taking a chance on his falling apart, LOL.
So my next step is to figure out if I can keep doing this job. I actually hung up on a guy (yet politely, like "ok, thank you, click") and found it too hard to do calls with men Sunday. I work weds-sun. I need to figure out with my therapist what to do about insurance if I quit. She takes Medicaid, I just need to figure out the gap. I hate that all this came up now but I'm also grateful it did when I am finally in a secure place in my life with great support and love. I think my mind just finally said, "Oh, you're safe now, you're good. OK, you can work on this, then." *rolls eyes* The more I read in the book, the more I underline. And the more I actually make sense of my life and why I do a lot of things. It's probably even connected to my fibromyalgia. I just want to get better so bad, even if the process sucks.
So... yeah. Here goes. Also my trying to connect more with people.
