Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

He really is. Chosen family, not actually related by blood, we've just known each other 15+ years. he has his own issues like ADHD and more and lives with me, but we consider each other siblings. It helps because we totally understand each other's issues and can be supportive.

Thank you for your kind words. I do get really blanking tired of managing sometimes, though.

[Not Alone]

Yea, getting stuff to Savers. I bet it feels freeing to have stuff out of your living room.

I'm glad that you are getting things (replacement cuffs, disabled parking tag, etc.) that help you. You deserve every item that makes your life a bit easier. I love that you're going to decorate your crutches with duct tape. They do not have to match!

[Jazzy]

I understand you feeling tired and bleh. Even the simplest things are exhausting when there is pain involved. It's great that you have realized this and are taking actions to help in the future! 

I hope all goes well and you find the peace and relaxation you need, if only for a moment.

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

Having to manage sucks, you're right! I wish you didn't have to manage. 

[CactusFlower]

I've noticed some interesting reactions to things. Being aware of my reactions doesn't mean they're fixed or that I stop having them, just for now that I notice them as they happen.

I was going to post in here about the jerks in my neighborhood who do fireworks (they are technically only legal on the 4th) and ones clearly too big for a residential area, you can tell from the sound. Last night was particularly bad. And, our local cops have made it so there's not really an effective way to report them and even if called, they don't bother, so that's aggravating. I'll also have to go to the pharmacy and get some cheap earplugs, my good ones aren't going to be here in time, obviously.

ANYHOW. My initial thought on thinking about posting that was "Nobody wants to hear negativity all the time." Then there was a flash of guilt for "dumping" here so much, even though that's kind of what it's for. I could hear that programmed voice in my head (not literally) start its insidious "if you post nothing but negative stuff, they'll get tired of listening to you and ignore you." I've had to play the "always be positive, you be the strong one" role for a long time, and I'm still getting the guilt and shame when I open up. I mean, at least I can recognize it when I feel it, that's something.

I then was thinking about the Monday evening videos by the CPTSD Foundation on youtube that have live chat. Very very nice and supportive people, I like attending those. But.... As to be expected, the facilitator/speaker has a life too and sometimes that means it doesn't happen that week. I had about 5 or 6 before the first skipped one. (health issues for her AND her landlord is selling the bldg, so she has to move soon) This past Monday was a skipped due to health ones. Everyone is totally understanding, myself included, when it comes to self-care, and the facebook group is nice. But it doesn't have the same sense of "community" or closeness that this forum does for me, even though that is closer to real-time responses. I think that unpredictability makes it hard for me to open up as much and trust.  Like, you only get an hour or so live chat, and you might end up going two weeks between sessions, blah blah blah.  Long story short, it's good and helpful, but I like it here better. I feel like with the interaction and journals, I know people here better and we trust each other more and are therefore more supportive, if that makes sense. I just hadn't realized until now how much that  "we're skipping this week" was affecting my trust levels. Maybe I'll explore that with my therapist, because there's clearly some issue there I don't have a conscious memory for.

To leave it on a positive note, I have someone coming today to get a bunch of empty boxes, so that will be a little more open space in the living room. It feels a lot better in there, even if I don't sit in there most of the time. Oh poop, I gotta catch up on Loki! Maybe I'll watch some Muppet Show. That's one positive about Disney+ is all the old episodes of the Muppet Show. I get to re-watch one of my most loved and happy things I had as a child. If I were a Muppet, I would be.... Gonzo. weird, creative, off-center sense of humor, not well understood by others, and not worried about what others think of how he identifies. LOL

[Armadillo]

 

I can only speak for myself but I don't expect you to be overly positive here. I appreciate reading the lows, the highs, and everything in between. Hearing others struggling in a way I can relate to; seeing the ebbs and flows of triggering, of dissociation, and self doubt from others is helping me recognize the patterns for myself too. That some days are low days, and then there's a shift. I appreciate being able to support people in ways that others in the real world cannot because they don't understand or we don't trust to let them in. I appreciate getting that support from others. I appreciate having a spot I can let it and let people see what is really happening in here. There's no where else I can do that. So, I hope it's ok to complain, to have several negative posts, etc.

I am sorry you are having a sad or negative few days. That's ok. I hate fireworks too especially illegal. They trigger me as well from a couple yucky incidents when I was a kid and also just the sounds and feeling like the animals are scared and being afraid they will start fires near my home. You aren't alone in hating this and we get it...it isn't just the nuisance. I'm sorry the police are not cracking down enough.

I'm glad you find this forum helpful. I do too. I can't imagine a real live support group would feel the same. There's more choice here, more control over how we show up and interact and when. We've got your back here when and how you want it.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you so much, Armadillo. That learning to reach out is a hard part, isn't it? honestly, as introvert as I always have been, I don't think I'd do as well in a live actual therapy group, and certainly not in person. I'd either feel pressured before I was ready or never speak at all, and I know the facilitators don't encourage that. This forum is definitely the right place for me to be at this place in my journey, and I am deeply appreciative of that. It feels safe to share here.

[Not Alone]

ANYHOW. My initial thought on thinking about posting that was "Nobody wants to hear negativity all the time." Then there was a flash of guilt for "dumping" here so much, even though that's kind of what it's for. I could hear that programmed voice in my head (not literally) start its insidious "if you post nothing but negative stuff, they'll get tired of listening to you and ignore you." I've had to play the "always be positive, you be the strong one" role for a long time, and I'm still getting the guilt and shame when I open up. I mean, at least I can recognize it when I feel it, that's something.

Sage,
This is the place where you can be who you are and express whatever you are feeling. No need to put on a happy face or a positive spin. I understand the inner voice saying to be happy or positive. Unfortunately, there are places where we have to do that, in my case, at work, for example. Having to "look normal" as a child when h*ll was happening was an incredible burden. I welcome your realness.

[CactusFlower]

And after all that this morning, a super positive thing happened!

I'd wondered for quite a while if a weighted blanket would help me, but everywhere I looked, the right weight just would NOT fit in my budget. Well, that facebook Buy Nothing group where I got the forearm crutches, someone was giving away a weighted blanket and I'm the chosen recipient! And it's a gorgeous blue with gold starry/galaxy-ish pattern on it and the right weight for my size. I am so grateful to the universe and the nice lady for choosing me. I never thought I would have one. Now, could the weather ease off a little so I can try it for an hour or so? LOL

Also got some cheapo ear plugs at the drugstore, so maybe those will help a little tonight since my good ones haven't arrived yet. productive-ish day!

[rainydiary]

I hope you enjoy the items.  I have a weighted blanket and enjoy using it. 

[Not Alone]

  Glad you got the weighted blanket. I made mine and it's a little too heavy. I thought I'd just use all the pellets! I do use mine fairly frequently.

[CactusFlower]

Alas, the cheap earplugs.  you get what you pay for. In this case, that means that they are too big and won't stay in, so I'm giving away the rest. (14 pairs in a bag, that was the smallest amount I could find.) They're those squishable foam cones. I can squish them down and insert them correctly, but when they expand back up, they just won't stay in. I really wish my others had come in time. (loop brand, they're like earbuds) I get kind of aggravated with myself for not reading the entire website I bought them off of. I'd seen them on amazon before and hadn't paid much attention. But then I saw a vid from @domesticblisters on TikTok (she is AMAZING) and decided to get them. The link she gave went to the company's website. I figured, oh look, with shipping they're a little cheaper than going through amazon, surely getting from the home site will be fast. It says 5-10 business days... I can do that. The only place it indicates where they ship from is in the FAQ. How many people read the FAQ every time they order something? So they're coming by Deutschepost from the Netherlands. AAAUUUUGGHHH Which, okay, the DP tracker says they're here in the states already. But there isn't an update since the 30th, when it said they were "at the sorting center" after hitting the USA. Like... What center? where? and why is there no update since the 30th? I even went back to the webpage. Agreeably, it hasn't been 10 business days just yet and their site says "there can be shipping delays"... But how long after the 10 days do I wait before I ask for a refund? another week? I should have just paid the 5$ difference and gotten them off amazon. I did not expect a link from an American to go to a website shipping from the Netherlands. They better be good.

And breathe. I'm just on edge from the interrupted/less sleep this holiday weekend. Patience is definitely my lesson this lifetime.

[Alter-eg0]

That's weird, and frustrating...

Also, i'm confused that something coming via the Netherlands would use Deutschepost, considering Deutschepost is German. We don't use that here in the Netherlands. Weird...

I hope they arrive soon!

[CactusFlower]

Which is why I went back to the website, because I originally thought when I got the tracking that it was coming from Germany. So I went to see if I could find how long it was supposed to take, and the FAQ said shipped from the Netherlands. But the tracking says Germany. Maybe the business has a branch they ship from? It's so confusing. It's not a fake site or anything. My main annoyance was it taking so long once it hit here in the States. I'm concerned that now that it's here, the international tracking might end, so I won't know when they're actually going to arrive. *shrugs* If they still aren't here around business day 15 or so, I'm gonna try for a refund. We'll see.

from the tracker:
Item arrrived at sorting center
on 30.06.2021 14:02
Tracking History
Date    Status
24.06.2021    Shipment information uploaded to Deutsche Post
25.06.2021    Item received at Deutsche Post Mailterminal
26.06.2021    Departure to destination country
29.06.2021    Arrival at importing country
30.06.2021    Item arrrived at sorting center
Note
    Shipment details shown are only for registered items.
    Online delivery information is not available for all destinations.
    Item status details in the destination country are solely dependent on the timely update from post office of destination.

Sent From
60549 Frankfurt am Main
Germany

From the FAQ:
We ship worldwide from our central warehouse in the Netherlands. Standard shipping orders are handled by Deutsche Post and then transferred to the local postal carrier in the destination country.

Standard shipments in Belgium and The Netherlands are handled by Post NL and DHL.

[CactusFlower]

Not horrific last night, surprisingly. I decided about 8pm when they started with the fireworks everywhere to put earbuds in and find a nice meditative 8-hour binaural beats video on youtube. Did that while playing games, reading, email, etc., until about 11:30pm, took gummies, then managed to sleep halfway okay. They were mostly done by then, thank goodness. Also, it was hot so I had my fan on all night. Whatever works, right?

Not working, I sometimes lose track of the days. I laughed cause I found myself checking the mail today, then remembered hours later it's a holiday. (For others, the USPS doesn't deliver on federal holidays) Derp. And it might not be the healthiest choice, but I have enough points in an app for a free pizza, so that's tonight. We arranged to pickup groceries today. I really love this concept, it's brilliant. Shop online, go during the arranged time window, they make sure it's you, load your trunk, then you leave. it's quite efficient. And apparently the grocery store is better at it than wal-Mart. The last two times we've done WM pickup, we've arrived in our time window and sat there for just over an HOUR before they brought it out. Ugh. Grocery today? barely 2 minutes before it came out. We'll definitely use that again for whatever doesn't have to be gotten inside. (like prescriptions)

Also, I do have a buzzcut hairdo at the moment, but I'm sorely tempted to dye it pink for the heck of it.