Sage's Journal

[Armee]

 

Hugs and tea as you sort this out.

As a fellow dissociater I don't even understand your T's assignment!

[CactusFlower]

Talked with my T Monday. Everyone dissociates in non-harmful ways for small amounts.  Lost track of time in a good book? On auto-pilot while driving to work? Daydream on a nice day? Positive dissociation. I actually did find an example of when I dissociate negatively. I like true crime shows and books because I find the science of forensics fascinating. I was reading one online and something in the story triggered me. The next time I was "aware" of myself, it was 3 hours later and I was playing a brainless puzzle game. I'd not only avoided the rest of the article, I'd closed the tabs, the window, and done something else while "zoning out" enough to lose time.

On a positive note (I guess),  we discovered as we talked that it wasn't the actual crime that made me dissociate, it was the abandonment of the victim. I'm at least able to identify what the trigger was. I still don't have a memory to correlate with that issue, at least consciously, but it's important enough that something is there. It'll come when I'm able to deal with it, even if I kind of dread it at the same time. I think that makes sense.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Sage,

It definitely makes sense.

I'm at least able to identify what the trigger was.

Your ability to identify the trigger is excellent. But even if you couldn't, that memory is now half way to the surface, and will provide you with an opportunity for whatever your mind chooses.

I totally agree, there's positive and negative types of dissociation, Sometimes it's strange to think it's so "normal." I too like the crime/forensic stuff, because justice prevails at least 51% of the time. I like tipping the scales into "rightness."

Sounds like you're keeping a watchful eye on yourself and handling those ups and downs well.

[Armee]

Ahhhhhh that makes sense. It was a confusing way for her to word it! I often don't know the trigger, or can figure out what triggered me, but not why it is a trigger. But there are other times the pieces have slowly come together to make sense and it felt like such a relief to understand it. When it makes sense, it makes acceptance easier. And when there's acceptance at least I've found the dissociation goes away faster ironically.

A real simple example is I used to notice I'd dissociate real bad watching cartoons with my daughter. I didn't understand and I told my T and he explained "you're relaxing and that's a scary thing for you so you dissociate" but that didn't feel right since it was specifically cartoons. A few months later I was talking with my mom (not about this god never) and she mentioned in passing that my stepdad would get really mad about me and my sister watching cartoons on the TV because he wanted the TV and they would get in big fights about it. Ah ok. Now my dissociation makes sense and I have a story to go with it and it doesn't really happen anymore.

[rainydiary]

Sage, I appreciate you sharing these experiences.  I never thought about positive dissociation.  It makes sense that there are different experiences and I wonder if we need them all to distinguish them.  I also appreciate you noticing the things that lead to or perhaps contribute to dissociation.  I hope that each piece of awareness supports you in caring for yourself. 

[CactusFlower]

Thanks all, glad I could clear that up. Doing okay so far. The escitalopram (I know it's generic, but it's easier to type lexapro, lol) is... ok? I've had the dissociation still and I'm thinking this dose isn't really doing my for my anxiety, but at least the side effects are minimal, if anything. I talk to the doc again on the 15th, I'll give it till then.

Today should be good, if tiring. Old friends from way back are in town today and I've arranged to have dinner with them. I've missed being around these people. They knew the ex, but they also knew my mom, and were always closer to her and I anyway. They're good people and it's nice to know they still support me. And they're only a state away now instead of halfway across the country! I'm introducing them to one of my favorite local restaurants. I'm just glad it's still in business. It's so nice to have these kinds of things to look forward to among all the other stuff. And everyone's vaccinated, so I can get hugs!

[BeeKeeper]

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Hugs, food, favorites and friends. 

The escitalopram (I know it's generic, but it's easier to type lexapro

I don't ever type lol but did it instead!

[Armee]

 

Have a great dinner!

[CactusFlower]

Dinner with friends was great, it was so wonderful to see them again. They really hit it off with my BFF, too, as everyone is gigantic book nerds, LOL. I was really tired Sunday, but it was worth it.

I get to talk to the psych this morning. The escitalopram doesn't have as strong side effects, true... But I'm not certain it does much for my mood at this strength either. Nightmares and having trouble falling asleep still continue. Sleepy or not, once I lay down I'm awake for at least an hour or two. I may ask if I can switch to taking it before bed and see if that makes a difference first. Emotionally, though, I don't feel it's doing anything. The few times I went out, I still had anxiety.

I also felt sad all day Monday. Not sure why, no conscious reason. I just felt kind of on the verge of crying all day but never really did. My T said maybe find some videos or something that could start it, it's ok to cry for no reason. It just feels... pent up for some weird reason. Nothing else new going on right now, but I'll take the lull while I can get it.

[CactusFlower]

I'm still here. I'm talking to the psych today about the lexapro. Still not sleeping well, so I kinda tuned out there for a while due to exhaustion.  We'll see what she says this morning.

Edit - This should be interesting. She's upping the lexapro since it didn't affect moods, and adding as-needed trazadone for the nights I really really can't get to sleep. We'll see how this works.

[CactusFlower]

Last night was good. My BFF's sister is in town visiting. She's really nice. We all had dinner together at the local Chinese place, one that's not cheap, but is utterly amazing in quality. (Example: Jackie Chan has eaten there twice!) It was all so good! Soup dumplings, green onion pancakes, and we all shared our entrees and demolished them. It was really good to see her again.

My BFF and I are doing a road trip again on the 30th. We're going to go to a really lovely petroglyph park site that my therapist recommended because it's very ADA-accessible, no climbing or rough trails. Then he's booked us a room for the night at a local hot springs, and the next day will be spent at some apple orchards before coming home. I really love doing that, as the stands the orchards usually have sell great stuff in addition to apples. I might make some apple butter if I have the energy. But the time away in nature, taking it easy, sounds like such a treat. I'm so grateful. So I won't be online those 2 days until late Friday.

Brain-wise, I'm thinking about exploring a quirk of mine, as I feel it's relevant. I cannot sleep with open doors.  Bedroom door, closet, they have to be closed for me to feel safe.

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

Sage, I enjoyed hearing about your recent events - you added so much description I felt as though I was experiencing it too. 

I also appreciate you mentioning a quirk you notice in needing closed doors.  It brought to mind things I notice about myself where I just feel off if something goes a certain way that feels out of order to me.  I realize that the order/routine has come to signal to me that it is time for certain things to happen.  I appreciate though that you notice what makes you feel safe.

[CactusFlower]

I was thinking more on the closed door thing and why it makes me feel safer. Especially because I was never the kid who believes in closet or underbed monsters. But to sleep as well as I can (given my physical problems with it), I need closed doors and hardly any light at all, and white noise or total quiet. (So, white noise, since I have cats, ha ha) I have the Google Home assistant and I tell it to play certain kinds of non-vocal new age-like music while I sleep and that's so nice! But I had the doors + dark issue long before I had fibromyalgia, so there's some other component to that. I think what I might try is sleeping with the door cracked for a night or two, see how that makes me feel. Other than the cats coming in, of course.

I tried half a trazodone last night as I was still wide awake at 11:30. It still took about an hour for me to feel tired/drowsy. If the door thing bothers me, I'll try a whole one. This is all experimentation to see what helps anyway. As for the increase in the lexapro, I did still feel the anxiety in the car when we went out to dinner. But a day or two isn't enough to evaluate the change, these things need a little time to build up and plateau in your system.

[BeeKeeper]

Sage, you are so funny about your cats! White noise, yep. And you've been talking a lot about many familiar things: closed doors, absence of light, Trazadone.

I thought Trazadone was my wonder drug, but turns out it wasn't. It does take a while for it to work, and doubling the dose on sleepless nights only makes things worse.

Your trip to the petroglyph and hot springs site sounds so indulgent!! Congrats to you and high marks for self care. Autumn is the time for inhaling all those aromas and planning time in the kitchen to prolong the delight.

From your rave reviews of the Chinese food, I conclude I've never had GOOD Chinese. Can you tell more about the green onion pancakes? I've been on an onion roll kick, gotta have them. It's taken over the sugar craving. Strange!