Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

All in all, a pretty decent week, I'll take it. My doc is upping the Nortriptyline to 3 a day. We had our holiday dinner yesterday over with my BFF and it was soooooo good. Turkey, curried sweet potatoes, stuffing, a waldorf salad, cranberry sauce (homemade), gravy, and dessert was a cherry pie (sugar free from a local bakery). Lots of leftovers. Oh, and bro's dinner rolls. I did the turkey in the instant pot since we don't care about "crispy skin", so it was so moist it was literally falling off the bone.

Oh, the therapist suggested on Monday, what about getting a rocking chair? A simple way to self soothe AND comfy and I can crochet and stuff in it. I loved the idea and the universe provided. (For which I am grateful!) I found a nice glider rocker with stool and cushions locally on FB marketplace for only $45, and they'll bring it over tomorrow. I really look forward to that. Then Monday, someone else will pick up the armchair I never sit in (I'm short, so it's not comfy) and I'll be all set to relax.

So yeah, a relatively decent week. Sleep is doing okay, mood is okay, bills are paid... I hope this continues, even for a little bit.

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
I'm glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving Dinner, and the meal sounds wonderful.  Your cherry pie sounds really great too. 

I'm also glad to hear you're getting a rocking chair, I hope it gives you space to relax and enjoy rocking in it.


Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Alrighty! Old armchair is gone, rocking chair is in place. My therapist said since I find the rocking so calming and soothing, to try using it like EMDR if I need to. (although not WITH the EMDR. I might get seasick, LOL) It really is super comfy. And it fit well in the armchair's space, so I don't need to move around end tables like I thought I would. I can definitely see how rocking in it when I'm upset would help. And it gives me a reason to crochet another warm lap blanket.

The 3 Nortriptyline a day seems to be okay. The only side effect I'll have to mitigate is... Well, let's just say I will need a fiber supplement, lol. But it has cut down the anxiety a wee bit. And, taking 2 at night seems to assist with staying asleep once I actually fall asleep. I talk to that doc next on the 22nd, so the experiment continues.

[rainydiary]

Sage, I also love rocking and am soothed by the description of your new set up.  I hope you have much comfort in that rocker. 

[CactusFlower]

I had a very unpleasant nightmare Wednesday night. I'm not going into detail here, as it's still triggering to think about it. Things I said in the dream just... my mind kinda skitters off of it to distract myself with anything rather than go over it again, if that makes sense. And I just did it again. Went and looked up recipes for a couple minutes before finishing this post. Does anyone else have this issue? Like, you can calmly and intellectually say, yes, I was abused... But actually admitting or naming the details is just too hard yet to make it real? I think I'll go back to some of my workbooks and write up the basic/beginning exercises again. Kinda like... checking the baseline. I dunno. I feel all over the place on the topic right now.

Bro is still baking. His granola was just okay, but I have hopes for the biscotti next. I'm about 2/3 done with the cardigan and have started an afghan.

[Armee]

Sending you comfort and tea and toast. The nightmare sounds difficult. I do skitter off a lot as you describe.

[CactusFlower]

Talked with my therapist today, included the nightmare. I had to let her read on screen where I wrote about it, as I still can't actually say it. She agrees like my mind is kinda giving me a "heads up" something big will come up to be worked on so I'm not totally unprepared. Talked other positive stuff, too, so that helped. She was glad to hear about how much I like the rocking chair. I've made it part of my morning routine while I waiting for the kettle to boil. She'll be taking 2 weeks off after Xmas, so that should be interesting.

[CactusFlower]

Oops, didn't mean to let it go so long. It's fortunately been uneventful. Creatively, I got enough yarn to do the sleeves of my cardigan, and I'll be making an afghan for Bro for xmas.  Still no word on the supplemental income application, but they normally take a long time. Sigh. Trying not to stress about that.  As for meds, 3 Nortriptyline a day don't work for me due to a side effect. Let's just say I would need a lot more fiber in my diet. So I am doing 2. My bff noticed I do seem more "enthused" about things, so that's good.  Bro made vanilla almond biscotti.  Peanut butter cookies are next on his trials. I'm not complaing, that's sure. Who knew he could bake so well?

[CactusFlower]

Been putting this off, lots of dissociation and avoidance. So, my innate levels of curiosity caused an issue. I'm really good at research. I haven't seen the male parental unit since my high school graduation. (I'm in my 50's) That would make him in his 70's these days. I did a web search to see if there was an obituary yet or not. Honestly, I was kinda hoping I'd find one. Nope. However... I found HIM. A not-used-often page on Facebook, with just enough photos to know it's really him. Last entry was Jan. of 2021. Let's just say I'm not surprised at the right wing conservative BS things he's posted. He apparently ended up having 4 kids after I last saw him. I spoke with my therapist about the anger and yes, even some jealousy, about the "happy"pics I saw. I still know I never want to be around or hear from him again, but it was very weird to realize he's still out there. (Supposedly, last post WAS in Jan, so who knows but no obit found.) My T assigned me (If I can do it) to write out what I might say if we did somehow meet up accidentally after all this time. I still haven't written that yet. it's like, there's so much, so where would I even start?

So yeah. Crappy week. Too much to process at once and makes for crappy holiday season.

[CactusFlower]

addendum: Happy tears.  bro made peanut butter cookies and they taste just like Mom's. I missed this.  (he's chosen, not family by blood, but he met her years ago.)

[CactusFlower]

Not much lately. just staying warm and trying to relax. Grocery pickup tomorrow of Xmas dinner foods and stuff. I'm keeping it simple so I don't stress too much. I've had a food=love mindset most of  my life, and part of that is trying not to overdo the meals I cook.  Like, no, I only need one potato dish, maybe 2 starches at most... Especially since I'm only feeding bro and BF and myself. BFF works xmas and xmas eve, so I'm waiting to hear what day he can do dinner. Honestly, the holiday itself means nothing to me, so it doesn't matter what day we eat. It's the chosen family camaraderie that's more important. Oh poo, I just realized I have that writing thing for my therapy. Clearly, that's been avoidance.  Better do that before tomorrow. Sigh. Just... sigh.

[CactusFlower]

Holiday food acquired, simple menu set. Bro will make those amazing dinner rolls again. My therapist is off for two weeks now. I hope everything goes okay. I finished his afghan and a last-minute present will arrive tomorrow.

I finally got a hold of the scheduler for my Psych, she was able to get me in this Weds, tomorrow. That's a miracle, LOL. We'll see about maybe upping the dose of Nortriptyline, but if we do, I need a thing to counter a specific side effect that's annoying.

A family friend bought us a large cat tree for Xmas (the cats thank him), so bro is clearing out a corner and taking stuff to the garage. he wanted to go through it, but I was all, "If you haven't gone through it in a year, it's nothing you need in the house." LOL

On an unpleasant note, I will be applying for the low income heating assistance program. My blanking heating bill this month was twice what it was last month and it hasn't even been that cold. grrr. I really wish SSI would hurry up and come through. Bro got on food stamps, so that's super helpful.  I hate the way the USA treats disabled people.

[Alter-eg0]

Urgh, the system in the USA is bizarre. Seriously 

Hope you have a nice Xmas all the same!

[CactusFlower]

So, the Nortriptyline is upped by a tiny bit, but it does mean I can take one larger dose pill instead of 3 little ones a day. I went and got those, but I have a couple days left of the small ones first. I wouldn't say I'm "cheerful"  as we up the dose, but it does mean a level kind of baseline that's more positive than before. And she gave me something to counteract a side effect. it's pretty much exactly what I was buying over the counter, just at extremely less cost.

I made sausage and onion breakfast strata today.  Bro will do some baking later of things for tomorrow, and I need to sweep. Ugh. I can only do a little at a time due to the fibro. Fortunately, my bff is cool with clutter. "I want to see you, not your house." The biggest thing will be getting all the stuff off the dining table. It's a... repository, lol. Maybe if we get tired, we'll finish up watching Hawkeye and some baking shows.

[CactusFlower]

Dinner was lovely, mainly because the company was chosen family AND the food was good, LOL. The ham gave us a ton of leftover for the freezer, and the sugar-free (splenda) apple crisp was a huge hit. (my bff can't do dairy or sugar) Everything was super yum and it was just a good night.

Bro got an afghan I crocheted and he loved it. (bff doesn't do presents, he has his own christmas trauma issues) He gave me a gift certificate card, which I love, because the shopping is fun and he knows that. So I hit up amazon and am getting a cookbook, a ceramic pie plate, and a new toaster. I'm happy with that. Other than that, we've just been staying warm and safe and rapidly burning through the delicious dinner rolls bro made, LOL. My therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks, so I'm hoping the positive equilibrium hangs around that long.