Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Well, that was slightly frustrating this morning.

I got a gift card for xmas. Tried to make a purchase last night on Amazon. Email this morning, please fix payment method. Won't fix. chat w/zon agent, card declined. *? call number on gift card....  Apparently, its number was in a list of hacked cards! Now note, its number was hacked, and it had never even been opened.  However, they are mailing me a replacement. Good service, but a lesson in patience since mail can take 7-14 days. Guess those fun kitchen things will have to wait.

On a positive note, I did not immediately react with anger and the usual feeling of "they're not going to believe me, they'll think I'm lying to get something." I'll make a note of that to discuss with my T when she gets back.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
Sorry you're not yet able to make those purchases, but sounds like you handled that situation well, and hopefully you can enjoy the purchases when they are finally able to be made.
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Hope, I do look forward to that!

So, I realized an issue this morning.  To explain the backstory:  "Bro" is chosen family. I met him on the internet over 16 years ago as we were both fanfic writers who wrote about Stargate Atlantis. We became huge friends online, ended up meeting in real life, etc., and when I moved here, he moved to live with me. We consider each other siblings. He moved here from a very Southern, very conservative, totally NOT LGBTQIA-friendly state in the US.  Where we live now has been a miracle for him, both medically and psychologically. Annnyhoo... His upbringing when it comes to cooking is confusing as * to me. I was raised by a single mom since I was 11, he had a mom and dad with no sibs. I'm very polite in that I don't tell him his mother clearly couldn't cook anything very well from the way he does stuff.

So, I have these utterly excellent non-stick frying pans and have used them for nearly 10 years now. They're Ozeri brand, if you wanna know, and they're so good I rarely need any butter or oil to cook with. Bro seems to think you cannot cook in a frying pan without at least an 1/8 inch of melted butter on such a high heat that it smells burnt by the time he's done. He doesn't understand that not everything, in fact very little, is normally cooked "high temp and fast". So, he tried to make french toast like I do and wanted to know when it stops sticking to the pan. I was frustrated for the billionth time and fail to understand how he makes things stick when I can literally make the same exact thing in front of him and it doesn't stick. I've told him, I've showed him, he doesn't get it.

HOWEVER: Today, I recognized that I have an instinctual response to this and it's not just him. When someone asks me something and my experience is not the "norm" and that person then says it can't be like that or that's not the norm, I get defensive and angry as if I've just been accused of lying. I realized it's a response I've had before to other situations. I've had it when I crochet. I don't hold my yarn like most diagrams/instructions tell you to or like other people do. If I am told I'm doing it "wrong", or that's "not the way it works", I get severely pissed off because that IS my experience and it DOES work for me. (points to innumerable afghans, toys, cardigans, hats, etc. that I've made that are just fine) Now, I'm not talking about something where I actually AM doing it incorrectly, I have no problem with constructive criticism. No, it's where my experience works just fine but doesn't fit what "should be". I'll have to bring this up with my T later.

I hope that made sense.

[Blueberry]

Hello Sage,
I don't think I've written anything to you for a while, but this post really spoke to me. 

Good on you for noting that your response to Bro is an instinctual response and then sort of teazing that all apart and figuring what's going on so you can bring it up with your T. It can often take me ages to figure that kind of thing out but mostly I sort of have to in order to work on it to heal, for whatever reason deep within me. So to me it sounds as if you've taken a big step by yourself and you are then going to be able to move onto the next step with your T. If that makes sense... Anyway

That kind of realisation (first step) often sends me for a loop. I hope that's not so in your case. Just in case, I'm sending support 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Blueberry!

Yeah, realizing one has a pattern or habit can be very big, but my brain (because patience is a lesson this lifetime, lol) then immediately jumps to "ok, fine, but  HOW DO I FIX IT?" ha ha. Not that easy. I think, at least for now, just being able to recognize it is important. I know I've done it in lots of other situations, but I either don't have those situations anymore or the opportunity. (Like, I know I've felt that way at work in the past.) Who knows, maybe 2022 will be the Year of Noticing Patterns/Habits, lol.

[CactusFlower]

Honestly? I hate New Year's Eve. It's an excuse for people to get inebriated and act like idiots. There's literally nothing special about the progress of the calendar. The only good thing about it is the 3-day weekend if your job gives it to you. (example: healthcare and first responders often switch what holidays they have off every other year.)

Even though it was flipping cold and raining last night, there were occasional fireworks from 9pm until about 11:30, then a short lull, then the year was rung in with huge fireworks until about 12:45. Large ones in my neighborhood, and interspersed with what I know is gunfire. (yes, I know the difference.) I had my Loop earplugs in and my teddy bear during that, since I clearly wasn't going to go to sleep. I was also dealing with some dissociation, as the sound brought back a small but vivid memory. Have you ever seen someone fold a leather belt in half, hold each end, then jerk their hands together and apart to get a loud CRACK sound? Male parental unit apparently found it funny to scare me like that. I don't think I actually fell asleep until almost 2am. ugh. and today I have to take the rent over and do a couple other things. I'm tired just thinking about it. Thank goodness for my Instant Pot and effortless food.

[Hope67]

Hi Cactusflower,
Sending you a hug, and hope that you get some more peaceful time today - those fireworks and noises sound stressful.  Hope you're ok at the moment    Your Instant Pot and effortless food, I like the sound of that.   

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Hope. It's a bit better today. My dear BFF took me out for lunch yesterday. My bro finally succeeded at making sugar free lemon cookies, so he made some for BFF while we were out. BFF was thrilled with them. Then we were going to replace one of the blinds, but the mounting hardware isn't the same and require 2 holes in the wall, not one. That means the landlord will have to do it, as our walls are cement and we don't have a cement drill bit. Sigh.

Also, I have the giant questionnaire to fill out from Social Security about my disability. I do NOT look forward to this.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes for completing the form Sage.  I wish getting much needed support wasn't so cumbersome. 

[Armee]

Your holidays sounded really nice and safe. Your chosen bro is very sweet and I'm glad you had some time with your BFF.

[CactusFlower]

Well, happy news. My BFF is going to sell his small house (he's partially retired) and will make a profit in our market, and he's renting the apartment next to us! (we're in a triplex) So my BFF will be next door! He'll be saving a lot of money and we can spend time together that isn't on zoom. He likes this area better than his own across town anyway. He is one of the two people in my life I trust utterly and completely with everything. I am thrilled!

[Not Alone]

That is exciting news.

[CactusFlower]

Did not sleep well last night for some reason. Nothing I can consciously remember, but it was hard to get to sleep and I know I woke several times. I hate that, mainly because it makes the pain worse. I also haven't done some writing my therapist suggested. I just keep putting it off or not even thinking about it. It's one of those "What would you say to him if you ever saw him again" exercises? I think my mind doesn't really want to even entertain the concept of being around him again. I also haven't felt too creative lately. bleah.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
I'm sorry that you had difficulty sleeping last night.  I think it really makes things harder when that happens.  Sorry that your pain is worse.  Hope you get some relief.

That writing exercise sounds hard. 

Anyway, just wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

thank you, virtual hugs always accepted.