Sage's Journal

CactusFlower · January 23, 2022, 04:18:29 PM

Thank you all. I did get more rest later and wrote down the dreams so I can discuss them tomorrow with my T. Bro kindly ordered yummy Chinese food for dinner, that was nice. Plus my BFF dropped by since he was bringing a carload of art. (some things he doesn't want the moving service to move). So by the 4th, he'll be next door. We're enjoying seeing each other more often already and have decided Sunday dinners will be a fun thing.

I think the hardest part about yesterday is the allowing myself to be vulnerable and needing help in front of others. I'm always the strong one, the doer, the motivator, etc. To let someone see when I was that upset and needing support was very difficult, but I'm learning. Definitely doing better today, but I'm still gonna take it easy.

CactusFlower · January 25, 2022, 04:12:01 PM

Therapy was hard yesterday. I mean, it's rarely easy, but yeah. We talked about mom and I described the day she passed. There were tears. I wasn't expecting it to be quite so difficult so many years later, but I apparently had more grief than I thought to work on. And I still haven't even approached the grief about grandpa. I wasn't really allowed to grieve as a child, now that I can look back on it. (I was 7 when my grandpa died.) I'll have to work on that eventually. I think I was expected to be detached or at least, less affected as a kid.

On a positive note, my T seemed very impressed that I had allowed myself to ask for help during my short meltdown, to actually say "No" when asked if I was okay. That was a big step because it also involved a lot of trust. I did have a small nightmare last night I woke up from, but I can't remember now what it was about. Come on, Prazosin. Start working, lol.

CactusFlower · January 26, 2022, 04:27:11 PM

And another windstorm night, ugh. I tried putting in my special earplugs. While they do stay in as advertised when you sleep, I had to take them out after several hours because my ears weren't used to having them in that long. Another nightmare too, but a really weird one. Think Game of Thrones meets... Logan's Run? Bizarro.

CactusFlower · January 29, 2022, 05:24:30 PM

Several good days since the windstorm. It's been wonderful, having my BFF moving next door. He will be totally moved by the 4th and then just needs to finish up selling his house. We love hanging out together more often. I haven't had any more nightmares the past few days, but the dreams have been... weird. Last night, it was about helping a neighbor open his own hardware store and offering to create a new logo. Like... Why? That's totally off the wall for me.

Woke up with a very unpleasant headache today, too. However, I realized I had no tea yesterday afternoon, so it was likely a caffeine withdrawal. Fixed myself a cafecito and yup, the headache went away. I try to find the little things in my life to be grateful for sometimes. Like, the fact that I can make myself a cafecito when I want, or that I have several pens in a favorite color, or that I have a safety handle on the tub for balance, etc. Just little things. Right now, it's the cafecito and seeing my sweet kittycat asleep on my ultra soft blanket hoodie. There are still things to make me smile. They don't have to be big things.

Armee · January 29, 2022, 06:17:10 PM

I'm really excited for you that your BF is moving in next to you and bro-by-choice. So much support for each other. That's awesome.

So glad your nightmares are lessening.

CactusFlower · January 31, 2022, 05:08:54 PM

More strange dreams. Not bad, just not my normal style. Last night's was about offices and talking to people there. Like, they're weird to me because they're boringly normal? I even actually recall thinking during the dream, "this is so stupid." lol I know it's not the Prazosin, that takes a couple weeks to take effect. I looked up how it works, since it's primarily for high blood pressure, and a few studies show it blocks the norepinephrine receptors in your brain. I.e., you don't upload stress chemicals. Clearly, it would affect you like that all the time, not just at night, so I'm wondering if it will reduce anxiety a little during the day.

Bro made focaccia yesterday. Oh my word, that was amazingly delicious. garlic, rosemary, thyme and olive oil... Just wonderful. I think apple scones are next on his list.

It smelled sooooo good in the house while he was baking it. Cooking and baking smells in a warm house equal care and comfort for me.

I kinda want to make art as a housewarming gift for my BFF, but I'm not sure what subject. Maybe I'll look through my previous drawings and paintings to see if I get inspired. He does still have my photo of icelandic poppies framed somewhere. Sometimes, I miss my photography phase, but I just don't have the energy and ability to get out and about to do that. Yeah, I'm gonna dig through my drawings. That sounds fun. Therapy later today.

Armee · January 31, 2022, 09:16:03 PM

Lol about your dream! I feel that way a lot in waking life, too.

Bro sounds like such an amazing baker! And now I want to try making foccaccia so I can have that smell in my house. Mmm.

CactusFlower · February 01, 2022, 04:53:58 PM

Another strange dream last night. (my therapist and I laughed yesterday about the dreams being boringly normal) I was working somewhere and was thrilled that the workplace was so diverse and had people speaking several different languages. I was working with some kind of party vendor who was speaking Russian. (I know only a couple phrases) It was funny, but odd.

The focaccia takes a day and a half because the second rise is overnight in the fridge, but so worth it. it makes about a sheet pan worth.

I feel like I want to write something creative, but I don't know what. I don't know if the creative urge is just springtime antsy-ness or getting my groove back. I could finish off my last crochet cardigan, but I haven't been in the mood to for some reason. Just... antsy.

CactusFlower · February 04, 2022, 04:19:52 PM

Yesterday was Bro's turn to have a bad no spoons day. Changes in his routine can spark issues, but I totally get it. His class was cancelled as most of the city is incapable of dealing with 2-3 inches of snow, despite getting it a couple times every year. Now, it's just cold. But at least it's all melted and in a few hours, BFF will be moved in! We're buying him lunch today so it's at least one meal he doesn't have to think about. So excited for that! Otherwise, just hanging out and keeping warm.

CactusFlower · February 06, 2022, 05:25:53 PM

BFF is all moved in and we all went to a nice dinner last night. Loads of fun and good company.

On a less positive note, another weirdo nightmare last night. Let's just say I finally woke up when the bad guy threatened my cat in the dream. I'm thinking there's something to work on there, that a lot of my nightmares feel like a part of me is trying to protect another part from being hurt. I haven't had a conscious memory yet to encompass that, so we'll see. Maybe I can do somewriting, see if the inner child has anything to say.

dollyvee · February 08, 2022, 09:46:34 AM

Hi Cactusflower,

Sorry that your dreams have been somewhat distressing lately but it's great that you have your support system to talk to

This is just my two bits but I got a Matrix vibe from your dreams, that part of you is maybe going through the motions when there is something else going on under the surface. Or perhaps it's getting ready for a "more routine" dreamtime once the meds kick in. Just what stuck out but I haven't caught up on the rest of your journal.

Love all the yummy food you're eating

dolly I

CactusFlower · February 08, 2022, 04:25:07 PM

I think you're right, Dolly, that something is brewing and will pop up once it's ready to. The anticipation is unpleasant, unfortunately.

And speaking of anticipation... So, tomorrow afternoon is the follow-up mammogram. How has it been 6 months already? The facility was very very nice about my anxiety last time around medical stuff in general. But that has been ramping up again and part of me has avoided thinking about the appointment as much as possible. At least it's in the afternoon, so I'll have the energy and time for a shower in the morning. It's not like normal doc visits where I am on a more even playing field, know the terminology and my rights, and know what I'm there for. This is more like... I dunno. Some big authority figure that can rewards and punishments? My conscious mind knows that's ridiculous and this has nothing to do with behavior, but my palms sweat and my stomach ties in knots just thinking about it. Part of my mind is also thinking stuff like, "Will they remember to read the note about my anxiety? Will they be kind again or was that a fluke?" Even just writing about it now is making my mind go "Nope, nope". UGH.

CactusFlower · February 10, 2022, 03:49:28 PM

The mammogram went really well. Nothing changed, so there'll be another follow-up in 6 months, then they can start spacing it out by years. They were very calm and nice and I had a fidget toy with me, which helped. It also went faster since it was just one side pics, no ultrasound, so I didn't have to sit there for long. Still, the anxiety ramping up to it was exhausting. Bro had to stop at the store to pick up something from the pharmacy, so I "treated myself" a little for the visit. Yummy big croissants for breakfast, and a little thing of vanilla ice cream to go with the brownies Bro made. A couple of necessary items, but those are no big deal. I'm pretty much just relaxing and recuperating today as the stress and all always makes the pain worse. Today is just blankets, hot tea, and kitty cats.

Hope67 · February 10, 2022, 07:02:12 PM

Hi Cactusflower,
I'm glad that it went ok, and that you coped with it all. Your croissants sound yummy, and vanilla ice-cream with brownies that your Bro made, they sound really good. Hope you enjoy relaxing and recuperating - with the blankets, hot tea and kitty cats.

Hope

CactusFlower · February 11, 2022, 05:16:29 PM

Thanks, Hope! My BFF came over and we watched Encanto, so that was cool.

I had an interesting email this morning. It was one I'd typed a year ago using the "Future me" site. You get to write a letter to yourself and it'll send it in the future. I had noted that I'd just quit my job and was starting therapy, still loved the town I live in, and had hope things would be better eventually. It does give me a positive boost to read it. I wouldn't say I'm in a better position than this time last year, but it is still progress. There's still so much to work on, but I can at least say I *have* been working on stuff. Also doesn't feel like it's been a whole year of therapy already.