Sage's Journal

[paul72]

Hi CactusFlower
Thanks for sharing about your special email
I love this idea... I have never considered writing to future me... I can imagine that's tricky to do...  I am really glad it gave you a positive boost and you found you have made progress! Congratulations Hope you have a wonderful day

[CactusFlower]

Although I'm having dinner at the BFF's tonight, I'm trying to take it easy today. Today is Mom's birthday. She would have been 74 this year. I'm working on grief with my T and it's slow going. I had to do all the work and arranging when Mom passed, being an only kid, and having a worthless partner at the time. Although I grieved, I think I convinced myself I was "over it" too fast. I'm not. Therapy has definitely been a way to better appreciate the good parent while realizing they were only human and probably being abused themselves. While a part of me is kinda glad she's not here to know the things he did when she wasn't there, another part of me knows she would be proud of my being able to finally do the work on this. But a third part (I got a lot of those) just wants a blankie and my mommy. So today will be gentle. I've had tea and toast for breakfast. Bro made his amazing dinner rolls for tonight, so I'll have good bread and a good dinner. My therapist suggested maybe trying some art, since mom and I shared creativity.  I might, we'll see. Happy birthday, Mom. Here's some virtual fuzzy socks, seafood, and upside down pineapple cake. I would buy you all the amethysts in the world if I could.

[sanmagic7]

gentle hugs filled with care during this time, sage/CF  (i don't know what to call you! do you have a preference?  maybe someone else has already asked this, but if so, i missed it.)

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, San!  and either is fine, name-wise.

[Armee]

Aw Sage, your birthday wishes for your mom just broke my heart (in a good way). Take all the time in the world you need to grieve and take all the love your brother and BFF have to offer you.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee. Last was just the kind of night mom would have liked. Good food, fun company, and board games until almost 9pm. LOL My BFF knew my mom before she passed. (Our moms met once. Those two would have been trouble if they'd know each other more! ha ha) Actually, our moms passed in the same year.  So we understand each other very well about stuff like this.  But yeah. Even though sitting on his dining room chairs for a few hours was a bit painful, it was totally worth it. I won at dominos three times! Since he lives next door now, we'll be instituting Sunday dinners as our own tradition, since our families never really had that. I told him how much I really appreciate someone who also enjoys board games. My ex never liked them, and I really missed having someone to play with. BFF has one whole cabinet in his living room with games. Therapy today, and we'll be talking about all this.  I'm gonna go choose some pics I have of her to share.

[sanmagic7]

love me some fun board games, CF.  so glad you got to do that, and hopefully it'll be on the table (LOL) more regularly in the future.  love and a hug full of enjoy!

[rainydiary]

That sounds so fun and I'm glad you plan to have more get togethers.  I hope it is an opportunity to carry on a tradition while making it your own. 

[CactusFlower]

I am typing this on my phone, which is very inconvenient and difficult. My browser still insists this sites certificate is expired and won't even go to it. I downloaded a different browser, but same thing. I'm very frustrated and can't figure out how to fix it. Not even putting it as an exception in my antivirus works.

[sanmagic7]

that sucks, CF.  i hope it rectifies itself soon.  i also found it very frustrating.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Sage, when technology doesn't work as expected it can be so frustrating.  I hope you find a resolution. 

[CactusFlower]

Apparently, it's something to do with the cache on my PC, although I've tried cleaning it. At least I get to it here on my laptop, albeit awkwardly. I like the forum, but it's too much to read and type only on a small phone. I didn't realize how important it really is to me until I couldn't get to it. I value the connections here. I'll interact as best I can until it's fixed, but laptop keyboards make my hands ache after a few minutes. (I have an ergonomic keyboard on my PC.)  Peace, everyone.

[rainydiary]

I am glad you are finding a way to access.  I've always used on my phone and it is difficult to interact with.  I appreciate you and value being in community with you.

[CactusFlower]

Now my laptop won't go to this site at all. I may not be posting quite as often, as this is hard to parse through on a cell phone. I even uninstalled the antivirus so it's just windows. No luck. Wow, typing this is taking forever. I will still be here, but we'll see how often i can deal with posting. Dealing with the frustration in therapy later today.

[rainydiary]

I had a lot of accessing recently and I was amazed at how much it stressed me out.  I ended up having luck by downloading a browser called Brave.  I hope you find a consistent solution.