Sage's Journal

[Armee]

It's such a pain on a phone. That's how I always access the site since I share a computer with my kids a it's really difficult.


I hope therapy was helpful today.

[CactusFlower]

I'M BACK!!!  Whatever godaddy did with the site must have worked. Oh, it's so very nice to be back with you all on an easily-accessible machine. I didn't realize how much I valued this site and you all until I couldn't get to it. I looked forward to being able to connect with the users on here and writing my stuff as well. Group hug if you want it!

What else has been happening? Gosh. I helped my BFF furniture shop and he saved about $2000 by buying local instead of off the net. He's currently in the hospital and we're just waiting for him to get home. (He has some recurring issues, but should be fine) Bro's birthday is Saturday and he wants to go to the Botanic Gardens. That should be lovely, and there will be plenty of benches for me to rest on and take it slow, even inside. I don't think BFF will be home in time for our planned dinner, or at least he won't feel up to it, but that's ok. I can take bro out to a nice lunch if need be.

Continuing the meds as they are currently, no change this month. I swear, the Prazosin might cut down nightmares, but the regular dreams are just bizarre, not topics I normally dream about. last night, I dreamed I was trying to deliver a document to some politician's office and was getting lost in this big semi-circle shaped building. But everyone was really nice about it, and there was a group of guys in prep school-like blazers on the lawn playing bocce ball. Some gal thanked me for working on education legislation and she was going to become a doctor. I woke up going, "what the bleep was that?" Very weird. The weather is turning. We actually saw a couple 70-degreeF days this past week, lovely.

I went and got taxes done and over with. I will be getting back a nice amount, thank the universe, about 2 months worth of bills and rent, so that helps a lot. I also think I might have to go to the doctor. For some reason, the past few months, my heartburn has gotten worse. Used to be I couldn't eat anything acidic or drink colas after 6pm. But last week alone, Normal stuff for lunch has me burping hours later. Yuck. I love food, so this bothers me. But if I keep feeling like this over random stuff like peanut butter on toast, something has to be done.

But today, I'm just going to enjoy the good feelings of being able to be here again. *waves

[rainydiary]

I am glad you are back too.  I hope you get to the bottom of the heartburn - that is uncomfortable on top of everything else. 

[CactusFlower]

Hooo, eventful afternoon. I got a call from social security, they want me to see their medical and mental docs for exams. That's a stressor. I don't know when, the appt is done by a different team and will come in the mail. Hopefully it's not too far away.  But I'm definitely worried about that. But I suppose it's a step forward. BFF should be discharged in the morning, so we'll go get him and do the botanic gardens Sunday instead. Bro still bakes, so I got him some new pans for his birthday. I also got an appointment with my doc about the heartburn, a telemed visit this coming tuesday. We'll see how that goes.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, good luck with the soc. sec. folks.  their wheels turn slowly most of the time.  i hope you get answers quickly and efficiently.

i'm with you on being able to be back here.  the absence reiterated to me how valuable this place is to me, and how wonderful the people here truly are.  so glad you made it back, too.  good luck with everything going on in your life. love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, San!

Today is pretty nice. I'm physically exhausted and hurting, but it's because we went to the Botanic Gardens as the birthday present for my bro. Not a lot flowering this time of year, but it was still lovely and so very refreshing. Just a nice nature recharge. later this evening, we'll see the BFF next door for some yummy pot roast. He's home from the hospital and seriously happy to have home-cooked food. He's fine. Oops, I forgot. I gotta go make garlic butter for the bread, LOL. Looking forward to that, even if I'll be totally out of spoons tomorrow.

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
I'm glad you're able to get back here ok again.  I also struggled for a while, and was glad that Kizzie was able to sort it out.

I'm glad you enjoyed your visit to the Botanic gardens, and the pot roast sounds yummy.  Hope  your brother enjoyed his Birthday.

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Two main feelings from the other day:
1- I love where I live, but this entire state has a huge complicated problem when it comes to the medical field. Most of the issue is communication, but some of it (i think) is extremely poor time management. My doc had a 2 HOUR window in which to call me yesterday, and she still ended up calling me about 4 minutes after that window ended. I honestly fail to see how if you're just on the phone that day and working from home (as the office mentioned), that you could end up 2 hours late before lunch. I was glad to talk to her, but very very frustrated at the system in general. I've lived lots of places and have never seen such access issues when it comes to medical care.

2- A bit of sadness. So the outcome is that I'll try taking Omeprazole (generic nexium) for 6 weeks and avoid acidic stuff as much as possible to give the GI system time to heal. If I still have the acid reflux by then, we'll try a test or two. My sadness is because.... Well, lemme explain. I don't like pills. I hate taking lots of medication. It makes me feel like I failed at being healthy. I also don't like how dependent it makes me feel, to have to take these things. With this new problem, I'm now taking 4 pills a day. I know that's not a lot, really, but I've never had that many at once. Maybe I'll discuss this with my therapist next week. I also dread the concept of not being able to eat things I like. I don't want to be someone who takes a lot of pills and can only eat boring flavorless crud the rest of their life. I'm trying not to let this fear depress me.

So... yeah. Although I'm still making the creamy garlic chicken this Sunday for dinner with the BFF. I've already planned and bought for it.

[sanmagic7]

i get it, CF, about the pills.  i've been there - never a pill person - until i began getting too sick to manage on my own.  over the years i've had to get used to it cuz my 'stuff' wasn't going away on its own.  i do hope you don't end up in that place.  could it be stress that's brought this on?  if so, hopefully when you're more able to settle the symptoms will resolve themselves.  best to you with this. 

long ago i complained to a friend about this same thing, and she told me 'be one with your medicine.'  needless to say, it didn't help.  i had to get to a place of simple acceptance about it, but it took me a long time.  now, i just wish i didn't have to be so dependent on my meds, but they do help me get thru the day and night much better than i was doing without them.  i hope your symptoms leave you alone sooner rather than later.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I'm sorry about the pills, Sage, and have the same feelings about them. For myself, mostly, not other people. It's encouraging that the Dr is talking about healing the GI system cause to me that sounds like a short term thing, like taking a course of antibiotics in a way.

[CactusFlower]

Yeah, I'm definitely hoping this does the trick.

On a positive note, I got my letter from SSA already about the disability medical appointment. I am grateful mainly because it's A - in just under a month, and B - is with a female nurse practitioner. So at least I don't have that anxiety about a male doc. It was only the medical one, so I guess I'll get a separate letter about the mental evaluation.

[dollyvee]

Hi Cactusflower,

I'm sorry you had to wait for your doc the other day. It's frustrating to not feel seen or heard when we are anxious about what might be going on with us. I really relate to what you said about feeling like somehow you failed at your health, that what's going on has to do with you. I know I was told for ages that my weight had to do with what I was eating (that old falsehood that a calorie in is a calorie out), or because they couldn't see anything on my test results there was nothing wrong. So, it must be psychological etc.

I'm big on gut health and it's connection to how we feel. I've posted in another thread on the forum under health I think. I have to say that being gluten free for me wayyyy outweighs the how I feel after I eat it. It takes some adjustment but there is lots of good food you can eat!

That's great about the female doc, hope it goes well.

dolly

[CactusFlower]

Feelings of sadness today. I dreamed about going shopping/hanging out with mom for a while I woke up not wanting to wake up so I could see her for a little longer. Also, Emilio Delgado, who portrayed Luis on Sesame Street for over 40 years, passed away. Sesame Street was an integral part of my childhood, having grown up before computers and overseas as a military dependent. In South Korea back then, it and Star Trek (the original) were the only shows in English I could access. That show taught me words, math, singing, words in other languages, and how to be a good/kind/cooperative person. It's bad enough Jim Henson died on my 20th birthday. But to lose a character from this show (even though he did a LOT more than this) is like losing a distant but beloved family member. Sesame Street also gave examples of loving, happy, healthy families. Even if they had disagreements, they dealt with it maturely and still loved.

That combined with the dreams, and I'm feeling grief today. Not overwhelmingly, but still grief. It also kinda makes me wonder if my mind is gearing up to adequately process some other things I haven't grieved.

[Armee]

I'm here with you, as you work through the sadness and grief today for both the absence of your mom and the death of Emilio Delgado.

Did you read the book Crying in H Mart? I've been trying to read it for about 6 months now, lol.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about your grief which is layered and complex.