Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

  Thank you, Phil and San.

I have used my anger in the past to get things done. I actually went through the US Army basic training on anger. (washed out later, couldn't run fast enough) Being very angry at being told I couldn't do something fueled me to get over a 40-foot rope wall ( looooong time ago). I think that's why it has always worried me, that my strength of anger could be strong enough to actually hurt someone. (I'm pretty short and not physically strong in real life) Now that I think about it, I can see how I would let it out rarely in passive-aggressive ways, which didn't really help release it healthily.

[CactusFlower]

Long post this morning, so I'll break it up into topics, LOL
Dinner tonight with the BFF.  I had to laugh yesterday. He doesn't do sugar or dairy for medical reasons. I was all happy about making a pie with sugar free cook whip and sugar free Jello.... Until I realized I'd bought a Jello pudding mix. Which takes milk to make. D'OH!  Well, bro and I have a delicious pie, and he'll be going out this morning to get actual jello to make for the dinner. For those here not in the USA, Jell-o is the brand that produces gelatin powders for dessert, fruit flavored, and pudding mixes. The gelatin, obviously, is made with water. I had a lapse in thinking, lol. At least I have plenty of time to make the gelatin one.

A friend posted the definition of Anomic Aphasia. It's a mild form of aphasia where the person can speak grammatically correctly and fluidly, but has trouble accessing/connecting some words, especially nouns, but they can describe the item. My Fibromyalgia "brain fog" can do this, I just didn't know there was a name for it. For example, I might be in the kitchen and go, "Hand me that thing." "what thing?" "That thing in front of me." "Which thing?" "The glass thingy with the handle and red marks on it."  "Oh, the measuring cup?"  "YES! THAT THING! THE MEASURING CUP!"

It's so incredibly frustrating to know you know the word for something, especially something you're looking at, and not be able to make it come out. I personally sometimes get very angry at myself when it happens. (It's not all the time, but is worse if super tired or hurting) All my life, I've loved writing. All kinds of stories, and I have a small published book of poetry. To be a wordsmith and occasionally not be able to name the thing I'm pointing at is just so..... ARGH. Yeah. I guess at least there's a name for it.

On a side note, the medical evaluation for Social Security is Tuesday. Anxiety over that is ramping up. I have a female provider, at least, but I have no idea what to expect or what might be done. I have to take all my meds to show them. I'm definitely going to need my fidget toy.

[sanmagic7]

i've gotten stuck in that 'not the right word' zone, too (you're not alone - being an author myself, i get your frustration!) and i'll often make up a word just to get something out!  arrgh!  is a good descriptor of all of it, CF.  love and hugs

[Armee]

That evaluation would have me so anxious, too CF!!!

[rainydiary]

I find it difficult to not be able to find the "right" word also.  Sometimes I feel how wild it is that we have this flimsy, imprecise tool called language to try to describe our experiences.  Best wishes as you prepare for and attend the evaluation. 

[CactusFlower]

San, Armee, Rainy, thank you. It's so nice to be understood.

My BFF is going with me to the eval. He's like a second brain for me sometimes, especially because I sometimes go quiet and just agree with everything with people in authority. (Fawn/Freeze, you know how it is) It does help a lot, but so much rides on this. I think some of the hard part is the separation of physical and mental, and I'm hoping they understand I can't separate that in my body. Stress, nightmares, etc, make the pain and exhaustion of Fibromyalgia worse. here's hoping they understand how I explain things.

[sanmagic7]

best of luck with the eval, CF.  i sure hope it goes smoothly and they see the disability on all its levels.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

I hope it goes well.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you all. It's Tuesday, so I'll be able to see my T tomorrow for our usual session before that. BFF helped me go over what I NEED to say. He joked around and said he's my Emotional Support Human, ha ha.

[Armee]

Your emotional support human is amazing and I'm glad he'll be there to say what needs to be said if you freeze or fawn.

[dollyvee]

Hi Cactusflower,

Hope the evaulation went well. Doctors can be tough and unfortunately don't always see that the physical and mental are connected and it's not always in your head or in your body. It's great that you have someone to help you through with that.

dolly

[paul72]

hi CactusFlower
hope you have a great session today and best wishes for tomorrow
How wonderful to have an emotional support human. Sending lots of love and support. 

[sanmagic7]

i love that you have an emotional support human!  it's a wonderful thing to be able to feel like someone has your back.  what a wonderful BFF.  hope it goes well. love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you for your good wishes, Armee, Dolly, Phil, and San. I will tell the BFF to remind me I have so many kind people cheering for me. I definitely have a lot to cover today in therapy between this and the inner child stuff that has been going on.

I did end up buying a small toy plane for the inner child. He loves it. Part of the years I'm working on were years as a military dependent in Asian countries, and some in Okinawa, Japan. On researching what toy plane to get, I found that the SR-71 (aka Blackbird) was mainly based out of the air force base there. That explains why I was remembering them so well. Point of trivia, the SR-71 was also known in Okinawa as the "Habu" because the locals thought the shape reminded them of a deadly pit viper indigenous to the island. I remember hearing a lot about this plane, so I can see why my IC really likes this toy.

I was thinking the other day about possible other reasons this IC is a boy, and the plane stuff brought up a memory of one of the male parental unit's co-workers talking to him. The person had asked me what I want to be when I grew up and I said, "I dunno, maybe a fighter pilot". They then looked at him and said something to the effect of "too bad she wears glasses and is a girl, huh?" True or not, it left me with the impression that fighter jet pilots had to have 20/20 vision (I've worn glasses since I was 6) and not be female. Consider, this was 1979, but that casual comment made an impression. I remember being angry at the unfairness. That probably was around the time (and reason) I stopped being interested in planes. Which was a shame, because I loved the airshows and the military exhibition jets, the Thunderbirds.

When I moved to where I currently am a few years ago, there was a kind of airshow. There's an Air Force base right in town, and the Thunderbirds were here to do their show. Bro and I found a frontage road near the airport and watched it there, along with about 15 or so other cars of people. I allowed myself to be awed again like a kid and took pictures and everything. My IC is pleased just remembering it right now. Maybe I'll distract myself this afternoon with some airshow videos on youtube if I stress a lot.

[Not Alone]

I hope your evaluation goes well. I'm glad that your "emotional support human"  will be there with you.

I glad that your IC likes the toy plane!