Sage's Journal

Armee · April 05, 2022, 05:45:48 PM

Thinking of you today and knowing this is so hard!

CactusFlower · April 05, 2022, 06:11:27 PM

Well, that's over with. It was... interesting. Honestly, it barely took 20 minutes. She was nice, my anxiety was obvious and proven with my blood pressure and pulse rate being pretty high. She asked some questions about family history, why my condition would keep me from working, then did some strength/flex tests like "press outward on my hands, now down," "what do you use the cane for" and "can you touch your toes/squat/what hurts". It felt strange that she didn't ask more questions, but BFF seems to think it was a good eval. I did get in how the mental affects the physical, so that helps. BFF took me out to lunch after and I'm home now. Totally wiped out and I'm gonna go rest. Now I just have the mental eval Friday morning. Here's fingers crossed hoping their results go through quickly.

Thank you for all your support, it means a lot to me. Hugs back!

sanmagic7 · April 06, 2022, 07:37:18 AM

so glad you made it thru part 1, CF. on to round 2. i'm really happy it didn't take very long, also. and thanks for mentioning your rise in BP due to your anxiety - i never thought of that for myself, but it makes sense that my BP has risen over the years. i thought it was just my weight, but what you said sounds on the money. love and hugs, and good luck on fri.

CactusFlower · April 06, 2022, 05:33:46 PM

The person who'll be doing my mental eval called for my email address. (it'll be virtual, secure phone thingy) She sounded nice and was really polite, so that's good. At least since I'll be at home, I can have all my notes spread out so I don't miss anything.

Yeah, san, the anxiety can really ramp that up. I'm overweight too and my bp normally (when calm) runs a nice 110's over 70's. Anxiety can push it quite a ways up. Fortunately, my normal providers are aware cause I told them that's why it'll be higher. Technically, the Prazosin I'm on for nightmares is mainly a high blood pressure drug, it just has that second use it's prescribed for. But clearly, it doesn't do much while I'm in an anxious elevated state. Sometimes it's depressing, but other times I find it relieving that the physical substantiates my subjective experience. Like "See? it's real!" kinda thing.

rainydiary · April 06, 2022, 06:19:12 PM

Sage, I appreciate you sharing about experience. It reminding me of how whole person of an experience things can be - body, mind, heart, etc impacts that we feel so strongly. Thinking of you as you navigate this.

CactusFlower · April 08, 2022, 05:30:50 PM

Well, the mental eval is done. And wow, she took an hour and 40 minutes! None of her questions seemed designed to trick you, which is good. I think it went well. She saw me using my fidget toys, my anxiety was obvious, and we covered all the topics that needed to be covered. She did go into some more detail about family history and such, like then the rents divorced, how was it coming back to America, the not really having friends due to moving so much, etc. All in all, I do have a positive vibe off of it. Now I just hope their results go through quickly and a decision is made so the next step, whatever that is, can get on with it. Thank you all for your support. I'll probably have a lot to talk about with my T on Monday. Right now, I'm going to try to relax and have my tea and toast.

sanmagic7 · April 09, 2022, 12:17:43 AM

Not Alone · April 09, 2022, 01:21:43 AM

Armee · April 09, 2022, 08:45:53 PM

I'm glad that is over. Of course, the wait will be a bit tough, too. Good luck i hope that they see how much you need and DESERVE the benefits.

CactusFlower · April 10, 2022, 03:37:35 PM

Thanks all, my fingers are tightly crossed.

So far, a decent weekend in which to recover. After the eval, my BFF and I went for lunch and a drive. Nowhere in particular, but it was nice to just be and enjoy the company. Yesterday, I had honey garlic chicken in the crockpot, so invited him over for dinner. It was yummy, then we chatted for a while. Having him next door is so wonderful. We were going to have cinnamon rolls this morning, but Bro had a duh moment and had put the salt in right after the yeast, so... yeah, that batch of dough is kaput. He's also got finals later this month and projects to work on, so the yummies might be put off a couple weeks.

He's also, at the end of the month, gonna go back and visit his parents (chosen family, remember, he's not blood) for a couple weeks, so I'll have some time to myself. (and with BFF next door, so not totally alone) We'll do a grocery run right before so I have plenty of things that are easy to make for meals in case of pain and/or no energy. My one cat who adores him is probably going to be a brat when he leaves. Bro can't even go to the store or school without that cat coming over to complain to me two seconds after he closes the door. Spoiled? Nah... lol. Anyhow, I'm just relaxing this weekend as usual. I'll be going over the evals and stuff with my therapist tomorrow.

dollyvee · April 11, 2022, 08:28:29 AM

Hi Cactus,

I hope the evals go well for you and congrats on getting though them. It's great that they looked at the physical evidence there and there was validation for what you were actually feeling. I get that as well about feeling like people are trying to trick you. For me, I think it comes from a place of being so young and having to figure so much out on my own where I really should have been supported by competent adults. It's great that your friend was there for you.

dolly

Armee · April 11, 2022, 10:14:25 AM

Lol. It sounds like your brother takes great care of the creatures he loves...you and his cat!

it's really beautiful that you have found your chosen family. I also don't doubt for one second how much you give to your brother and BFF. But shoot even I'll miss your brother when he is gone! I love drooling over your descriptions of his baked goods!

CactusFlower · April 11, 2022, 06:46:10 PM

Dolly - oh yeah, trust plays a big part in the issues, I get what you're saying.
Armee - LOL right? I'm tempted to tell him just make a pan of brownies before you leave. ha ha!

sanmagic7 · April 13, 2022, 06:23:34 AM

so glad you have your bff's to have your back, help out when you need it. that's so great. love and hugs

CactusFlower · April 13, 2022, 03:19:20 PM

Many feelings today. Physically, typing is making my hands hurt, so this is the effort for the morning. Emotionally... I discussed with my T potentially writing my memoir. BFF loved the idea and is paying for a "How to Write memoirs" class for both of us, lol. I know it'll take a while, just for not being able to type for long, and because I know I have many undiscovered memories that are yet to be worked on. I do tend to write my thoughts during the week so I don't forget what I want to discuss in therapy, so the bare bones/outline is kind of already started.

one of the recommendations I see a lot of is to read similar memoirs so you can see what it is about their style that works. I don't think I can stand to read about that topic in personal detail without being triggered, though. Everything I've talked about so far has made me look at my life and see that I've endured FAR more trauma than I previously thought. And some of that is because I didn't remember it, or I devalued it as "not that bad". It's a very weird feeling to go from thinking "Oh, my parents never hit me, etc" to actually remembering some hits from the male parental unit. To see how my brain has suppressed or diminished things so I could survive is fascinating in its own way, and rather saddening. I've always written creatively and can produce pretty good fiction and non-fiction. I do better when I write, so maybe this will be a way of processing as I write. We'll see.