Sage's Journal

[Armadillo]

Happy Birthday!

I love the imagery you shared of walking through a storm. It fits with my favorite song to listen to during a challenging stretch. I also see for me, starting therapy in my 40s how once you get through that storm to the otherside everything just looks and feels so different too. Not that it's good any of us were traumatized in the first place. But battling through the symptoms you can get to a pretty beautiful place on the other side. Like it's just such a stark difference from how we used to live that normal life and normal sensations just feel and look amazing.

Oh, and I meant to say....take care of yourself in deciding whether to see your uncle or not.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armadillo!  Also, there's no ability to see my uncle even if I wanted to. I don't drive and don't have a car, and he's a state away. But it's cool

[CactusFlower]

After talking with my therapist, I realized my fleeting ability to feel joy when I buy something for myself before then being overwhelmed with shame and guilt comes from something in my past where I was made to feel like I was not worth spending money on. I'd gotten a $50 gift card for my Birthday and had become overwhelmed and unable to decide what to buy because I'd look at everything I liked and justify myself out of a reason to buy it. "You already have several of those, you'll regret that, do you really need it, you're wasting money, etc." We talked about that feeling of unworthiness and shame. Being able to make that connection, I remembered something I really wanted and said ---- it, I'm gonna get it. It should be here around the 31st, but I will FINALLY have a lovely china tea set. I love tea of all kinds, and now I'll be able to have tea parties, even if it's just myself and my stuffed animals again. The sugar and creamer match the pot, the teacups have pretty flowers, and there's 2 gold-colored little spoons. It may have been a "safe" choice because I never regret stuff to do with tea, but I don't care. I wanted it, it was my birthday money, and I got it. I thank the Universe for the ability to get something pretty for myself. (and my brother for the sweet gift, I actually love gift cards) it'll still take a lot of practice to not feel that shame when something triggers it, but at least I'm aware of it now. I wonder if anywhere locally sells actual sugar cubes...

[Hope67]

Hi Cactusflower,
I think that your china tea set sounds lovely.  I hope you're able to find somewhere that sells the sugar cubes, I think they must do that somewhere.  I also think it's great that you were able to buy that gift with your birthday money, as I know it wasn't an easy process to do that. 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

I managed to cook dinner tonight. I simply haven't had the spoons/energy/motivation to for several weeks now and either defaulted to canned soup, PB&J, or fast food. But tonight, I defrosted some swai fillets and made poached fish with lemon pepper and a box of instant stuffing. (Stove top, dressing for those across the pond) It's a very mild fish, which is what I prefer. Boxed stuffing might not be the healthiest, but it was super easy and it all tasted good. Tomorrow, my bro is going to attempt butter chicken and rice with my guidance, lol. I want to get back in the habit, but I might also have to look into salad mixes since it's getting hot here now. That also makes me not want to eat much. I need to find a good salad dressing though. Something with balsamic vinegar, I think.

[CactusFlower]

I'll be talking more with my therapist today about my upcoming doc appt. I checked with social security, and I would make a livable amount on disability. Pretty damned tight, but doable. I've also been thinking about buzzing my hair off again. it's gotten to just below shoulders and I hurt so much washing and drying it. The fibro just kicks my butt dealing with having my arms up for so long with movement. Styling is nearly impossible. I kinda hate my hair anyway. I still have a lot of wigs, so it wouldn't be an issue. (I had them from when I shaved my hair in solidarity with my sister) I'm making a pro and con list. I hate that CPTSD exacerbates the fibro and vice versa. I'm freaking exhausted.

[Armadillo]

I bet you'll rock the look if you go for it! Change is good!

I'm sorry your fibro is acting up and flaring with the CPTSD. I did find those pains lessened a lot for me with more healing and feeling. It's not fair all the suffering that goes with the territory.

[CactusFlower]

I'm hoping nothing happens this coming week. My therapist is taking a few days off, which means we're skipping a week. And my BFF is going out of town for 3 weeks.. Doing my best to not get depressed. My therapist also suggested I take the WHO DAS 2.0, start thinking about disability. That brings up lots of issues mentally.

[Jazzy]

Yikes, disability is really tough. I don't make a livable amount on it here (less than 80% of minimum wage), but I get by. Overall, I think it was good for me so I agree its a good idea to look in to. However, maybe it is best to wait until your therapist is back and can help you with all the things it may trigger?

I hope you don't get depressed too! Maybe this is a good time to take it easy and treat/pamper yourself if that doesn't have any nasty mental side effects?

I like your pros and cons list, I do that a lot too. Whatever you decide is best with your hair, I fully support you!

All the best!

[Armadillo]

 

We'll be here for you while your T and friend are gone, let us know what you need.

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, everyone! I'm sitting here with buzzed hair. The shower was so much easier to deal with. We're definitely not making final decisions just yet, I have to see my doc on the 3rd and they have to get my old charts, lots of stuff. I've been reading articles about disability and how to come to terms with putting that label on my limits. Jazzy, did you have the whole denied/appeal thing? I've worked in health insurance most of my life, so I'm actually very familiar with the process, as well as having helped my mom go through it in her last few years. At least I have the advantage of knowing the documentation they'll ask for. I do have my bro here to rely on, he lives with me. (Family of choice, not blood, which is why we actually like each other, LOL) I'll just check in a little more often while my T is away.  I so appreciate this site.

[CactusFlower]

Ugh. Last night sucked. I couldn't get sleepy before almost midnight. Then at some point, the chick next door is yelling at someone out front again. I will be SO damned glad when they move. (their triplex has been sold) Then after that but I don't know how long, I was awakened yet again by the flashing of cop car lights. I hadn't heard any siren though. But argh was that bright.  Broken sleep is aggravating and always results in less energy and more pain the next day. I think they're out by Tuesday. I certainly won't miss her.

[Jazzy]

That sounds like a really rough night CactusFlower. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I hope you get some better rest tonight.

Good job taking action buzzing your hair to make things easier for yourself, that's great self care! 

I did go through the whole deny/appeal process and it destroyed me each time. I understand logically that it is "normal"... but it was so damaging. I really hope they adopt a better method soon. After 3 or 4 denials, I had someone do up a long official package presenting my case in the strongest possible terms, based on reports from doctors and psychiatrists, then it was finally accepted.

The label thing is extremely difficult too. I still feel uneasy/badly about it now, though less than before. I wish I could offer you something better or easier on that topic but I don't have much. I just did my best to focus on the fact that I was doing what was best for me and my health.

I'm glad you have your brother with you by choice.

[Armadillo]

The disability process and decision sounds really hard. Really hard. Confusing. Relieving and sad and maybe a bit incongruent.

I love that you decided to buzz your hair and give your aching arms a break for awhile.

What are you doing kind for yourself tomorrow?

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Jazzy. I'll choose a reputable agency/lawyers when i start the process, there are several good ones in town that will go through the whole thing. I think the thing I fear the most is because i haven't been able to make myself go to the doctor in the last couple years, they'll say I'm fine. But that was before the whole CPTSD piled on top of it. I'll do what I have to though. It feels strange because I am totally a disability advocate, but when it comes to myself, considering applying "Disabled" to myself brings up a huge amount of shame and feelings of failure. I'll have to work through where that's coming from. I've had fibro since about 2008 or so. I just don't tend to go to the doctor often because there's honestly nothing they can do. I refuse to become addicted to painkillers and anything stronger than extra-strength Tylenol tends to make me sleepy enough to be less functional. Yet it's still not a restful sleep. Sorry, babbling.

Armadillo - thank you, that question was exactly what I needed to hear and focus on instead this morning. I'm also considering getting a new mattress, as mine is over 10 years old and starting to compress (natural latex and foam). I have an adjustable twin bed, so that means twin xl, which is going to be around $500-900 dollars. I have it, I just hate spending so much at a time. I've narrowed it down to three choices now and just have to make a decision before the holiday sale goes off. but I also have to remember it'll last another 10+ years. It's always been hard for me to do things that will help myself. I might know why now because of therapy, but knowing doesn't make the feelings go away quickly. I was taught early on by my male parental unit that spending money on me was a waste. Got sidetracked. Kind for myself today... I'm honestly not sure. I might have to think about that. But it's a good thing to think about, at least.