Sage's Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i've found writing can unlock things that i didn't realize were there.  i actually did a memoir of a 3-mo. period in my life, and it felt good to put it down on paper but i found it took on a life i didn't expect (in a good way).  i also relate to finding more and more trauma as i've delved into my life similar to what you said about dismissing things, not remembering their severity, or passing them off as 'not that bad'.  the best to you with this project - i hope you find it stimulating as well as liberating.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I think its a really fantastic idea to try writing a memoir and see what comes of it. I know some people use the voice function sometimes if writing is difficult but to me that feels like such a different way of processing information that I couldn't possibly wrote a memoir that way. I really liked Ashley Ford's memoir. It's a little triggering but also loved her style. I picked up Mary Karr's book on writing memoir before realizing there's no way I could write anything based on memories because my memory is so bizarre and undetailed.

It really is a harsh but clarifying moment when you come to see that what happened to you wasn't ok or normal. Just normal for your life, but beyond normal for others. It's painful but eye opening.

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, San, I have always loved writing and I think it will be cathartic in many ways.

Armee, so true! I was laughing with my BFF that I should title my memoir "I just thought I was weird". But yeah, once I learned more about what trauma is, I can look at my life and go "huh, yeah, that wasn't actually normal. wow."

I realized I had read several memoirs previously. Memoirs are not autobiographies and I had the two confused. Way back in college, I took a wonderful class called Chicana Literature, and I see now those books were memoirs. Some of Audre Lorde's essay collections were memoirs. I did read, many years ago, a memoir of child abuse. "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer.  It was striking and hard to read even before I knew I had issues. I can't say I recommend it offhand to anyone here. It's extremely well written and compelling, but it would trigger like crazy if anyone had even slightly similar physical or verbal abuse. Knowing I've read other memoirs (non-child abuse oriented stories) does help me see a bit on what styles I like and how they're written. I'm also hoping this class addresses how to write without including every awful detail, but still being compelling writing. After all, it's not like I remember entire conversations word for word, just the hurtful things said here and there. But to be fair, at least 99% of the people I'll be writing about have already passed away, so it's not like they can get upset at me. I suppose that's a plus.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're setting yourself a solid foundation for this project, CF.  i'm jazzed for you.  i have no doubt you'll find the words you need to express intensity w/o having to rely on gory details (my best friend when i'm writing is the thesaurus).  smiling hug and much love

[Armee]

That's a big plus, CF. I love that you and BFF are taking that class. It's a really delicate balance, including enough but not too many details. And what's helpful for others to read is an interesting question, even as you are writing for yourself. It gets tricky not wanting to trigge4 people but also not wanting to put an overly positive spin on things that aren't positive.

I just remembered a memoir I read a few years ago after hearing the woman on a podcast. I think it was Good Little Soldier. It was a bit triggering because it was so similar to what I went through with my mom. What ended up being helpful about it was that I couldn't see that what happened to me was bad or traumatizing and just thought I was being weak and stupid and needed to get over it. I definitely couldn't cry for myself. But when I read this story and what the author went through I sobbed for her and then had to step back and see how it was what I went through, too. I didnt cry for myself but it cracked the door a little to the possibility that it was OK for me to be a little messed up by what happened and I wasn't just stupid.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes on your writing journey.

[CactusFlower]

I was able to take one short paragraph about the passing of my Grandpa (mom's dad), who was very dear to me, and expand it a little bit to about 1100 words. It's still very rough, but I looked up photos of the area we lived in the late 70's (Osan, South Korea) and that actually helped. None were of the exact year, but were in that decade and brought back a few details of the good parts of living there. I also learned why we lived off base; apparently the Air Force base hadn't even built family housing until a year later. It felt a little odd to write down the details of his passing as I remembered them, knowing there's a lot in there that still isn't in the conscious mind. Who knows if it ever will be? Some details aren't necessary. I know this is grief I will eventually work through since my F really didn't allow me to grieve at the time. I think the more I remember that was good about Grandpa, the more I'll be able to accurately grieve the loss. Especially knowing the abuse was worse before and after he lived with us. Getting it on paper will help get things a little straighter in my head.

Dinner tonight with the BFF and bro. He called it "family night" the other day and that was the first time in my life that phrase gave me warm happy anticipatory fuzzies. Brisket, roast potatoes, honey-glazed carrots, and we went and bought a no-sugar-added apple pie for dessert. (The local organic grocery store makes really good ones.) Bro is in the kitchen at the moment, attempting the cinnamon rolls again. I told him try not to kill the yeast this time, LOL. Other than that, nice and uneventful weekend so far. And lovely weather. Hugs to everyone who wants one!

[Armee]

 

Great job putting it down in some detail! Really feeling and understanding parts of what happened is helpful for me and I hope doing this is healing for you, CF. Enjoy that amazing dinner!!

[rainydiary]

The dinner you and your people shared sounded delicious.  I also hope putting words to experiences is supportive. 

[CactusFlower]

The writing is interesting and does help bring up a little more detail, yet it also raises more questions. Things like why didn't I remember some parts of events compared to others? Why did I act that way at the time? Did I really learn to dissociate that early? it does give me a lot to talk about. I was talking to my T today about the events in South Korea and she pointed out at the end that when I was describing the moment, I actually said "Dad" twice. it was like I was back there, in that moment, and in that time of my narrative, he was "dad". I hadn't even realized I said it. Before therapy, I actually was falling down the internet rabbit hole because I looked up photos of that military base. Not very much at all, but there were some around the time I was there if not in the exact year. That brought back some detail and a couple good memories of used bookstores with Grandpa. It was fascinating to see the pictures and how they justified what I remembered of the place.

I did have a very good interaction this morning as well. I'd remembered I lived with Grandpa and Grandma for about 9 months while Mom and he were in Turkey. (no kids allowed on that trip) They lived on some land near a mountain town. I wondered if they'd actually owned it, and in the US, property purchases are public record. So I emailed the Assessor for the county and asked if their records went back to the 70's or could they refer me to someone who could prove it one way or the other? Well, she looked up the names and time and did find a land deed! It also proves the timeline for when Grandpa moved in with us. But for copies, she referred me to the County Clerk & Records office. I emailed them the info and asked if they could provide anything and to let me know cost of copies and mailing.  Well, the County Clerk asked for my address, then about half an hour later, emailed me that 3 documents were in the mail. No charge. What a kind and helpful person! I'm so grateful. It will definitely get added to my genealogy research also.

So, not a bad few days. No nightmares this week. It's supposed to be windy tonight, but that might be a bonus as this week is unseasonably warm as well. Windy nights are... deal-able as long as I have the teddy bear. Oh, and bro made cinnamon rolls that are some of the best I've ever had. Super yum.

[Armee]

I can imagine that having that corroboration really helps to trust yourself. And I love all that kindness from people like the clerk. It is really refreshing.

I am starting to read another interesting example of a memoir...this one is Joy Harjo's Poet Warrior. Part is in poetry and has an interesting way of saying things without lots of detail but enough...like:

In those earliest years Girl-Warrior
Spoke freely with the earth
And the plants, the animals
That roamed in the yard of the small house
Where her family lived.
She was most herself when she was alone
And could hear the thrumming curiosity
Of the Creator who was pleased
With creation.
...

Far away, inside the house, Girl-Warrior's parents partied
With their friends,
They had fun.
Then they fought.
Then her father left.
Then he came back.
Then he caught her mother in his grip.
When he drank,
His words sparked and shined.
Only Then, could he speak.

[paul72]

hi CactusFlower
I'm glad you had a helpful person who sent you that information
The internet rabbit-hole (I like that term btw) is a place I know all too well .. I'm happy that it produced some good memories and validation for you
Hope you have a wonderful day 

[Hope67]

Hi Cactusflower,
I'm interested hearing about your ongoing findings, and wish you support with it    I am so glad that you came across a helpful and kind person who sent those documents to you - that is good that someone did that. 

I'm also glad to hear you didn't have any nightmares - that is really nice.  I hope that you sleep well again tonight.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, maybe there's a connection of sorts betw. writing and the nightmares?  sounds like you're really getting into it, and it's allowing you to look for more answers to the pieces that make up you and your life.  best of everything with this.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thanks and hugs back, San, Hope, Phil and Armee. Yeah, I think the writing helps piece things together in tiny bits.

Armee, I love Joy Harjo's writing. I had to read some of her stuff back in college (my degree was in Women's Studies) and I remember it being very powerful. Thank you for those verses, they do resonate with me.

Just relaxing the past couple days. BFF gave me a huge jar of BBQ sauce he's not going to use, so we'll put that in the Instant Pot Monday with a beef roast for BBQ sandwiches. The kitties are loving the weather, as it means the windows are uncovered and the blinds drawn up. (aka, cat tv) Bro goes on his trip next Weds, so Sunday is a big grocery trip. That way I'll have things to eat while he's gone that are easy and quick for me to fix. BFF and I will have a charcuterie dinner while he's gone. That means good crackers, french bread, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salami and pepperoni, olives, pickles. Finger foods, basically. And bro agreed to make us his lemon sugar-free cookies before he goes, LOL. The memoir writing online class starts on the 28th. So I do have some good things to look forward to. That's nice for a change.

I also feel down the internet hole again, this time with pics from our station in Okinawa back then. They had an aerial view photo of the school I went to back then. That was a strange feeling. But again, seeing pics of these places really just makes me feel better as in "what I remember was real, including good stuff." I got about 500 words written about the fear of abandonment. I'm sure my therapist will love those.