Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

About 4 or 500 words written the other day. I tried to write about why unexpected loud sounds bother me.  The key there is unexpected. Planned ones, like a fireworks show I willingly go to, or perhaps those air gun sounds at the mechanic (can you tell I don't drive, lol), I know to expect those. Sudden unplanned ones bug the heck out of me. Writing let a few memories come through of the male parental unit doing stuff HE thought was funny, like popping a paper bag or a balloon, snapping a towel or a belt, etc. I never thought it was funny. But any sign of being scared or upset brought comments like, "Don't be such a baby", etc. But it wasn't until I wrote it out that I realized how often he did that. I started crying and dissociated for a while. When I came back to myself, I'd apparently laid down and napped for a couple hours. That can be frustrating because it throws off my getting to sleep on time at night. Sigh. Just taking it easy today.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a huge realization for you, CF.  no wonder you took a nap!  exhausting!  i suffer similarly, especially when i'm concentrating on something and someone comes near, says my name.  it doesn't take loud noises - my startle response is on high alert to this day.  and i've heard those messages you speak of in my own childhood.  talk about taking away the idea of feeling safe.  ugh.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, San, I appreciate your hugs and support. Bro's dad finally got here (remember, chosen family) late. Poor guy. every leg of his flights was terribly late. Apparently there are some severe storms going on in a state east of us. He's out on a walk at the moment. I don't know what all they're going to do today. They leave for their trip tomorrow. Basically, his dad flew in so they can drive back and spell each other driving, then will do the reverse in a couple weeks. (bro has flying fears)  His dad is a really nice guy. Apparently, they made homemade beef jerky, and he brought not only a bag for me, but for the BFF! How kind.

It's going to be weird being alone for a couple weeks, but nice at the same time. I'll be having dinner at least twice with the BFF and I have a lot of low-effort foods stocked up so I don't have to think about too much cooking. The Fibromyalgia makes it hard to cook a lot due to it hurting while standing there for a while, chopping/prep, etc. We did have barbecue sandwiches yesterday, though. I just put the sauce and a beef roast in the Instant Pot. Love that thing. it helps so much.

Working on a lot of grief things right now due to what I'm writing about. I was never really allowed to grieve when Grandpa died, and processing that brings back the pain of mom's passing. just taking it one day at a time here.

[sanmagic7]

for you, CF, with much love

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
I am also sending you a hug   
Hope 

[Armee]

Sending you lots of gentle support through the grieving for your grandpa and mom as your writing brings up these feelings and memories. I imagine there might be some anger in there too for not being allowed to grieve your Grandpa.

I can very much relate. My Grandpa was the single most important person to me in the whole world. He is the only person who was looking out for me, as my own person. His death was a huge loss but I also didn't feel very free to have my grief for various reasons. If you stumble across something that works for honoring that delayed grief, i would love to hear about it, when and if you are able. I'm not sure how you feel about the virtual hugs and the various emotis for them. But if they are welcome and supportive I'm sending you a big one.

[CactusFlower]

San, Hope, Armee, thank you all for the hugs. I appreciate them so much.

Armee - The writing is helping as I remember small but good memories.  Playing in the snow, reading with him, listening to stories, going to used book stores later, enjoying good food... It's nice to know where those started. Telling my story tells his as well. He worked on oil tanks and taught others. He went to Cairo and Pakistan to do so in the area when he was younger. I have a small coin purse of coins from around the world he'd trade for. You're right, there is anger there, at least I know it's directed toward the male parental unit.

The memoir writing class begins today online. It looks like it'll be very in-depth, so I look forward to it.  Bro is safe and off on his vacation, and BFF will have a nice friend visiting that I've met before. I bet I'll probably go to dinner with them at some point. His friend travels a LOT and always has funny stories. I'm very grateful to the universe for my life having good and understanding people in it now. I'm not sure I could go through all this completely alone.

Also, I logged into my social security account, and the SSA now says my case consideration has moved from 57% done to 60%. Every little bit helps! My Medicaid renewed, so I'm fine there. (state-paid health insurance for those not in the USA)

Strangely, I was just chilling and playing an online Mahjong game when I started crying. I have no idea why, I didn't get a memory or emotion and I have no issues with the game. I just started feeling that eye pressure and they poured out for a minute or two. I do feel a little better, but part of me wonders "what the heck was that about?"

[sanmagic7]

indeed!  i don't doubt you'll find a realization about those tears somewhere down the line.  just glad you were able to release some toxins - that would be my guess.  love and hugs to you, CF.

[Armee]

That's really interesting about the tears. I have a lot of emotions or things come up out of the blue too. I'm glad you could release those tears a bit. The grieving must be catching up a bit.

[rainydiary]

Cactus, I am excited to stay tuned and learn about how the memoir class progresses. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san, armee, and rainy. The tears happened a couple more times, so I'm just going with and letting them flow. Like, one was even at a cute kitten video. (I usually make the OMGSOCUTE squeal, but not cry, lol)

The memoir class is interesting so far, well, for a first lesson.  Basically, it's a lot of reading, some writing assignments, and the teacher is available on a discussion board to interact with. We'll be able to share our writing with the class if we want, not just the teacher. But submissions can be just to her if we don't want to. The first assignment is writing about the scope, audience, theme, etc of your memoir. I actually had trouble expanding mine to 500 words. I got to 483 and a few paragraphs, so that's going to be it. now I'm wondering if there's something in my past that explains my extreme displeasure at babbling/sounding pretentious/repeating myself. That's definitely getting triggered.  I'll have several things to discuss with my therapist Monday.
TW: religious talk





I had a little bit of an issue. The first thing right off was the typical "please introduce yourself, tell us a little bit about yourself, blahblabhblah" thing.  I hate those. i hated them in college, I hate them in teambuilding, it's just.... I don't like revealing personal stuff to strangers. But I managed to overcome that and write a decent enough intro. My BFF (also taking the class) had to convince me to post for other reasons, though. When I hopped on, only three people had yet posted their intros. I'm presuming because some people actually work and don't post until after work. But one of them is a Southern Baptist preacher's wife for whom the church and its activities are her entire life. And she's perky cheerful. BUT, that's not what bothered me. On her replies to everyone's introductions, she included some little comment about praying. Like "praying you get published like you want" or "praying you get that from the class as hoped", etc. I know she means it in a positive manner, I just...  I'm pagan/buddhist, but even if I wasn't, I don't want to be prayed for. That annoys the ---- out of me. Reading that made me not want to post an introduction at all at first. I'll give her a couple of assignments, but if she keeps that up, I might message the teacher privately. It's not appropriate, not wanted, and not the place for it.

[sanmagic7]

i don't like people pushing their beliefs on me, either, CF.  it's one thing if i ask for it, but quite another when it's unsolicited.  i'm with you on this.  love and hugs

[Armee]

That would bother me too, CF.

I'm glad the tears are coming though. Even if a cute squeal seems like the more appropriate response! You have rivers of tears stored up and letting them out slowly seems just right. Your body is smart.

[CactusFlower]

The memoir writing is going well so far. Although we're not to that assignment yet, I managed to expand the story of my grandfather's death to around 1500 words. it's also much more story-like and less a recitation of facts. I'm trying not to work ahead in the class. I have that problem a lot with self-paced things, I binge them. I definitely want to get the BFF's money's worth out of this class, lol.

It's been... strange while bro is gone. I've only lived alone one other time in my life, and only for about a year or so. Otherwise, it's been family, roommates, chosen family, my ex, etc. Time feels stretched, in a way. Yet the days blend together more? it's just odd. And so quiet. Bro's not that noisy, but it's a different kind of quiet. I find myself talking to the cats out loud more, ha ha. BFF is going to help me this afternoon by taking me to get my med refills. He's got a friend visiting for a couple days, a lovely older British gentleman. I've met him a few times and it's a little disconcerting this year, as he's clearly getting a bit forgetful. Sad, but it happens to all of us. Lest you think retiring to Mexico is cheaper, the guy pays as much in rent as I do. okay, it's a beachfront house, but still. LOL

Listening to solfeggio frequencies at the moment after reading Dollyvee's entries. I'd heard some of these on youtube before, like the 432hz for relaxing/writing, but they hadn't called them that. I rather like it. Although they're specific frequencies, it's like having background music that isn't distracting. I'm going to try doing some writing while listening with my earphones. Then therapy later. Oh, it just changed to 396hz. I think I get what Dollyvee was describing. You really can imagine yourself flying, riding thermals above treetops in the warm sun. Cool wind filtering through feathers, rising and gliding over piney forests towards a blue horizon...

I need to favorite this soundtrack.

[CactusFlower]

Too much to process today. the draft leak from the USA Supreme Court and its implications have my pulse rate rising and my stomach flipping. I know I'm coming from a place of privilege to be able to step away from the issues temporarily, but for my own mental health, I am not looking at the news the rest of today. It makes my anxiety shoot through the roof right this minute.