Sage's Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i hear you about the news.  i can barely listen to 15 min. or so before my mind feels war-torn and frazzled with sadness.  too much, definitely, both in the u.s. and abroad.

i've listened to those frequencies at various times, wanting them to work, but i've had problems with energy anything in the past (tai chi, energy work from another, etc.).  i listen to the sounds for a bit and begin feeling disturbed rather than relaxed or whatever.  i'm glad they work for you, tho, and hope you get extra benefits from them.  your openness to new things is wonderful. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with gentleness for your mind.

[CactusFlower]

hugs! thank you, san, they're definitely calming. Staying off that also shows me how much I check the news throughout the day. I need to fix that.

[Armee]

 
That news definitely makes makenheart race and stomach churn. Good to stay away to stay healthy.

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Armee. It did help. The issue is still extant, of course, but I'm able to give it some mental distance now. I got a tiny bit more writing done, but I mostly played some puzzles, checked in with internet friends, and watched some cooking shows. And maybe had a wee bit of Cadbury chocolate. Here, this is funny.  My BFF took me Monday to pick up my meds and got me the chocolate. (My pharmacy is in a grocery store) I thanked him for the antidepressant... and the meds. HA HA!

Some part of the missing Mom lately is also because this is both my Birthday month and Mother's Day. I can think I'm fine and then see an ad for something I would have gotten her, and Bam! sadness. Part of me wants to ask her things as I work through my CPTSD and all, and another part of me is glad she's not here to see how much it really messed me up, ya know? The more I remember, the more I can see from and adult perspective how he manipulated and gaslit her and just generally treated her like crap. I don't have very much from Mom, but maybe on my birthday (which comes first), I'll wear the amethyst ring I gave her. It's a funky triangle cut stone that she loved because it was so different to all the others.

On a side note, I was reading a chapter in the book about writing memoirs that talks about possibly changing names for legal reasons, etc. If there's one positive thing about writing all this, it's that the other main people involved are of an age where they're all dead or soon will be. So that's a bit less to worry over.

[Mary Ann]

Just wanted to drop in and say I admire you for taking the memoir class, and memoir writing, it sounds really rewarding.
Also Cadbury chocolate is the best!

[CactusFlower]

Spent a nice day with my BFF yesterday. He'd twinged his back the day before, so I helped him get some things out of cupboards and all. (So glad we live next door to each other now! it was better today and he had some errands, so I kept him company during those and then we had dinner. He says he's noticed an improvement when I mentioned it'd been just over a year now that I've been in therapy. It's hard for me to see because I'm too close to the issue, but I trust his opinion. He still thinks I need to get out more, LOL. I'm ok when I'm with him, but honestly, it's not like I do a lot of interaction with strangers and it's not usually unpredictable/scary environments. The thought of dealing with people at a job or large gathering still makes my heart and breathing start racing.

Did a bit more crying yesterday after redoing one of the memoir chapters. One reason I don't care much for my birthday month anymore is Mother's Day is also upon us. Working on this grief stuff is making me miss Mom terribly. It also feels incredibly strange to cry at almost 52 years old and "want my Mommy", but that's what ends up coming out of my mouth. I'm tearing up just writing this. It's also hard to write this because I was taught not to cry in front of people. But... yeah. All the Mother's Day ads for everything, I just wish they'd all go away. Email, grocery stores, it's everywhere. Crud. It might be a tea and toast day even with 92 degrees predicted for this afternoon. Ugh.

[CactusFlower]

Today is hard. It's Mother's Day in the USA and we've been inundated with ads since Easter.

I'm going to tell you about my Mom. I consider you lucky if you ever met her. Was she perfect? Duh, no. But she was strong and amazing. She quit nursing school to have me. After being a good military wife for 11 years and following the * around the country and into three other countries, she came back to the States with a pre-teen when they divorced. I only knew her version, but she said he came home one day and told her he didn't love her anymore. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she knew, either consciously or subconsciously, that she needed to get me away from him before puberty hit. We stayed with her long-time friends until she could find a job and save up enough for a small apartment. There was no help from the families of her two older brothers and little contact after a couple meetings, since they felt she must have done something wrong to deserve a divorce. (To this day, I only speak to one cousin, and they're estranged too.)

Mom was strong and smart and incredibly brave. She did HR work for AT&T when it became that after being Mountain Bell, she was an office manager for a chiropractor, and she made sure I never went cold or hungry. She supported me in pretty much anything I wanted to try and told me I could be anything I wanted if I put my mind to it. We moved around Denver several times for better priced apartments and better schools. She indulged my current interest if she had the money, whether it was guitar or tap dance or buying D&D books. She loved to read as much as I did and a trip to the library was damned fun together. She let me be less than perfect, less than neat. She let me be myself where he would never have done so.

Mom loved arts and crafts and could make so many beautiful things. Inky sumi-e paintings in Japan, tole painting, etc. She taught me to crochet, which I love still. Any place we lived that had even a smidge of a yard got a garden. She sang alto and loved country music (nobody's perfect, LOL) and ended up liking Adele and watching Glee. She learned computer stuff quickly when it came to be and by the end, was capable of programming chatroom bots. She even helped design the original spreadsheets for that AT&T HR office's payroll in Lotus123 before Excel existed. She loved terrible jokes, did not share my love of British comedy, ate black licorice far too much, and preferred butter pecan ice cream over any other. She was a sucker for baby animals and the reason we had a pet ferret for a time. Without her, I wouldn't be able to make damned good red chili or chicken and dumplings. She'd slur her S's a little bit on the rare tipsy occasion and could make friends with anyone. Her birthstone was amethyst and a ring of it was the best mother's day present I ever gave her, other than graduating from college. She didn't let me date until I was 15 or cuss in front of her until later that year, LOL.

We loved to go camping and slept on a mattress in the back of the truck in the camper because she was only 2" taller than me and we fit it very well. We'd sing all the old TV ad jingles we could remember while driving around, and she's the reason I love 1960's folk music. She could be more stubborn than me and god help you if you were rude or dismissive to her because she was a woman. When she bought that pickup truck, they tried to charge her for the radio that was in it. She said "You can take the charge out, or you can take the radio out. If you want me to buy it, I'll wait until one of those happens."  We got the radio.

I would not be as well off as I am now, regardless of my situation, or as educated without her. If she were here to see me go through all this with CPTSD, I just know she'd cry for how I was hurt, then she'd want to hunt him down, my Mama bear. She's been gone for 9 years now. (Smoking all her life is what killed her.) I love you, Mom, and I will miss you every freaking day for the rest of my life.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

Beautiful tribute, Sage. It hurt my heart in a good way. No wonder you miss her so.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san and Armee. Big hugs back. The evening was much better, I went next door and had dinner with my BFF, then we watched this British comedy series on HBO called "Ghosts".  Hysterical, I needed the laugh. We watched the second season last night, and will finish it off tomorrow evening.

Did some more memoir work and talked to my T yesterday about how it helps in that it brings back more details around a memory and how that's both bad and good. It's definitely showing me that my parent's relationship wasn't as good and smooth sailing as my brain had glossed over. That there were plenty of arguments and gaslighting and such going on. It must have been very hard for Mom. It also gives glaring examples of how the smallest of actions or comments can be internalized in a traumatic way. The memory I was writing the other day had to do with his comments on the drawings and such I did. Those throw-away remarks caused me to claim "I'm not an artist, I can't even draw a straight line" and produce nothing more than stick figures for the next 40+ years. It wasn't until I moved here and was safe and healing (and found the right kind of teacher) that I was able to love my artistic ability anymore. I'll post a couple pics of my recent stuff in the art section here. I'm grateful to be able to say I am an artist now, but still angry at him for saying things that stifled me for so long.

[Armee]

That is so fantastic that you reclaimed your right to be an artist. You are right those small remarks leave lasting wounds and massive trickle down effects. I'm realizing the same now in my own life.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee.  It is amazing how little it can take and last so long.

Bro and his Dad are back safely, his Dad flies out Saturday. They're resting right now due to the amount of driving they did. (2.75 days) My orange cat pretty much attached himself to Bro for the first 20 minutes. "Person! My person! I missed you!"  It's so cute.

The street work is definitely messing a little with my sleep schedule since they start right on 7am. This morning, I was thinking "Why do you all have to yell to get anything done. Then I realized with the jackhammers and asphalt saws and such, they're probably all wearing hearing protection. That made more sense. They do tend to faff off for a couple hours at lunchtime, so it's not constant.

Next week's writing assignment is all about the characters in your memoir. That shouldn't take too long. Also, we'll probably all go to dinner either Saturday or Sunday for my birthday thing. It used to really bother me when I would invite people for it and few if any would show up.  The older I get, the more I realize the important ones show up and that's what matters. But that reminds me, I need cake. lol

[sanmagic7]

CF. i echo armee.  i've always found it fascinating what can come up when i'm writing about me instead of just speaking it.  it's a big risk in some ways.  and happy birthday in advance - i agree, the important ones show up.  always.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Oh yay! Bro is back! And you did ao awesome through his absence! Way to go!

Happy early birthday! The important ones do show up. The older I've gotten the more I've learned lol that I need to schedule around the important ones. 😅

[CactusFlower]

Many different feelings lately.  The memoir writing is going okay. It does bring tears on occasion, but more for what I had to go through, if that makes sense. Feels a little strange, my birthday on Monday. Like, I think to myself "52. what have I been doing?" It triggers a sense of guilt or shame, like I should have done more, been more, etc. by now. (Bro is going to use the bag of apples I bought to make me an apple cinnamon coffee cake, yum. no guilt there. LOL)

I also have an issue I haven't discussed with anyone. So, I have two cats. The male (formerly, they're both fixed) is about 8 or so and the female is a year younger. My boy seems to be losing weight for some reason. I don't know why, as there hasn't been any change in either of their eating habits. (dry food only) She, on the other hand, is a chubby girl. I've tried different foods, even canned stuff as a treat, and they don't like the changes. They'll eat it excitedly as a "cool, something new!" for a few days, then stop until I change back to their old stuff. There hasn't been any change at all in eating habits, they drink plenty of water, litter box habits are healthy and regular, they play plenty, etc.

The bad part is that since I am unemployed and trying to get on disability, I literally have no budget. Bro pays or BFF pays when we go out to eat or have delivery. BFF is helping with rent currently. I have X amount i the bank and that pays bills like power, Internet, phones, etc. I do not have the money to take him to a vet, even a low-income clinic, and I'm worried he's losing weight due to something serious. My mind catastrophizes very easily and jumps to conclusions like cancer and such. Especially since everything else about him has stayed "normal". I'm going to get some extra nutritional treats next grocery run and see if he likes those. I don't know what else to do. I can feel his hip bones when I cuddle him. (overly affectionate cat) He doesn't seem to be in pain or unhappy. I know I'm jumping to worst-case scenario, but I can't stop. I've always considered myself a good pet owner, they're family members to me and life-long (theirs) commitments. That brings up a lot of guilt and shame when I think about not being able to have the best care for him. I dunno, I just love my boy and worry about him.

Anyhoo, family dinner tomorrow night. BFF is making the classic of 1980's potlucks, faux teriyaki meatballs. (weirdly, the recipe uses grape jelly and chili sauce, but it works.) I'm really loving having him right next door. There's a term in Welsh I heard once that I think describes us well. Enaid Hoff. It translates as "soulmates", but with a platonic context.  Literally, "two fond souls in agreement."  Yup, that's us!