Sage's Journal

[sanmagic7]

CF, i get it about wanting the best for your animals - we took on the responsibility for their care and well-being, and seeing them undergo changes like you mention is worrisome.  i feel for you with not having sufficient funds to check out what's going on.  i don't know if i'd categorize your thoughts as catastrophizing.  they seem realistic under the circumstances.  i do hope you're able to somehow find the money needed to have him looked at.  best to you with this.  love and hugs to you and him.

[dollyvee]

Hi CF,

I'm so sorry that your kitty might be ill. I know I would be feeling the same things if it was my cat. It's hard with pets because it's not like they can tell you what's going on. Like San said, I hope you're able to find a way to have him looked at and ease your mind.

dolly

[Armee]

Sage, it's sad about your kitty. You can only do what you can afford to do. Hopefully you can find some affordable care but if not, don't beat yourself up. None of this is your fault. Being disabled is not your fault. Waiting too long for benefits is not your fault. I feel a lot of anger rising up in me for the person (people?) whose fault it really is.

But your kitty is well loved and cared for and that is quality of life and what matters most.

Happy 52nd birthday. I think you've accomplished a lot. You've made a family that is good for you, you enjoy your day-to-day life, you've survived trauma, you've had impressive careers helping people, you are writing and doing art....I'm sure the list goes on and on. I can understand feeling that way, for sure because we are so hard on ourselves. But at the same time, how we show up in life matters more than accomplishments.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san and dolly. Armee, thank you, I often forget to give myself credit for just making it this far. Thanks again for reminding me.

Birthday was nice and calm. Bro got me a Visa gift card and a bag of Lindt chocolate truffles. it was so hot here yesterday, I had to put them in the fridge. The one I ate was a little... soft, LOL. I did have a problem registering the card online so I could use it on Amazon. (I actually love gift cards, because I love just shopping.) It refused to register so I had to call the company. Long hold times. Turns out there was something wrong with the card, so they're replacing it, I should have the new one in about a week. Interestingly, this happened back at Christmas, too.  Apparently, people who steal cards now just generate a lot of random numbers til it works, so a card might be useless before it's even purchased. Seems kind of aggravating, really. But they're quick to fix things and my amazon cart is ready.

Then I got an email from where I'd redeemed some points (inboxdollars site, surveys and games and such) that would cover half the Amazon cart, so I went ahead and got it. When the card comes, I'll just use it to get home necessities like trash bags, paper plates, that kinda stuff. This way, my gifts should show up Thursday. I love the color purple, so I chose purple pants, tshirts, and shoelaces, LOL. The rest covers a nice wall print (ready to hang) of Frida Kahlo and a cute pencil case that looks like a cup of boba tea.

The memoir writing is going well and has proven to not only help fill out some little gaps in my memory, but invoke new ones to process in a careful way. The latest one is about why I hate/fear unexpected loud noises. A lot of it boils down to the male parental unit doing things like popping balloons, snapping belts and towels, etc because he thought scaring me was funny. As I remember this, I am very angry on behalf of my younger self because that was cruel. The writing and remembering also is showing me that things weren't as rosy as my memory gaps thought they were before. It feels very strange to admit to it sometimes.

On a random note this morning, a tablespoon of fiber powder supplement thickens greek yogurt almost to the consistency of peanut butter. LOL

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
A belated Happy Birthday!     Your presents/gifts sound lovely. 

Glad your memoir writing is going well - I am interested that you've noticed that it does fill some gaps in your memory - that suggests it's effective at a few levels.  I was sorry that your male parental unit did those cruel things to you - trying to scare you in that way is not funny, I am also angry, and glad that you were able to be very angry on behalf of your younger self, because that was cruel.

When you said 'The writing and remembering also is showing me that things weren't as rosy as my memory gaps thought they were before" - I related a lot to that - thanks for writing about that. 

Sending you a hug - if that's ok, and enjoy your Birthday treats.   

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Hope! I will definitely accept virtual hugs!

The last few days have been relatively mellow. Bro made his cinnamon coffee cake, and added some chopped up apples to it. It makes a delicious birthday treat, lol. BFF didn't feel like cooking last night, so he took us out to eat. My town has a very diverse range of restaurants.  Middle Eastern was last night, as I love chicken shawarma. This place also uses pistachios instead of walnuts in their baklava, and it's pretty tasty.

the next writing assignment will be about an outline for the memoir. I'm not honestly sure how to do this, as I know other stories will come up as my memory returns them. So it'll have to be a very flexible kind of outline. I'll eventually have to think of how they tie together as a theme for the collection, but I'm not rushing anything. This is all just really rough first drafts to get the basic shape down.

I mentioned in another person's journal that I'm not reading the news as much to better deal with all the scariness of it. I also have to deal with the emotion of frustration at limitations. 20 years ago, I would have been physically healthy enough to join marches and protests and all.  My heart still wants to, but my body know that would be a very bad idea. It's painful to even just stand in one place for more than 10 minutes or so. I know there's a point where you supposedly come to accept the limitations and live well while coping, but every now and then, I get very angry at my fibromyalgia. I have accepted my reality, but accepting it exists doesn't mean I have to like it and definitely not all the time. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember how it feels to sleep and feel rested, or what no pain at all feels like. And being sick and tired of being sick and tired is exhausting in itself. Then I get guilt feelings and start doing the comparison thing. Other people are bedridden. Other people have to use wheelchairs. etc, etc. And it's sad that I actually feel grateful I haven't had the experience some have, of other people or doctors not believing it or belittling one for it. (I sometimes imagine what I'd say if it DID happen, and it isn't usually very nice, lol) I think one of my lessons this lifetime is not only patience, but learn how to accept help when it's offered. That's kinda hard for me. I have to very consciously tell myself that accepting help does not equal my failure.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF,  i hear you on those limitations that have come with age and physically being out of sorts.  and i also experience constant pain, have been diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia, and it just sucks.  luckily i have the right kinds of meds to help me sleep.  that makes all the difference. i'm so very sorry you can't get the rest you need because of what's going on w/ your body. 

i hope you can eventually put those comparisons in your pocket and out of your way.  your condition is real to you, affects your world, your activities, your mental health.  it keeps you from doing things you'd like.  everyone has some kind of issue in their lives and we all have to deal with those as best we can.  i don't think comparisons help, do they?  i was raised w/ comparisons, and i still fight not to give in to them.  sending love and a hug filled w/ healing and peace.

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you are getting some nice things for your birthday. I like purple too.

I join you in feeling angry for your younger self, being intentionally frightened by someone who should have been comforting.

[CactusFlower]

Hm. The heavy equipment is still on the street outside, therefore so much for their estimate of being done by the 20th. Sigh. It'll be nice to have our parking back eventually.

I was rather frustrated yesterday. I got a grocery pickup order and had to talk to customer service when I got home and found out I'd been shorted the rotisserie chicken AND the potstickers. I think someone forgot a bag when loading the car. I have store credit for the cost, but it was very annoying. At least I got my cantaloupe. I love that stuff all chunked up in a bowl, cold from the fridge. So refreshing, and our days have been running in the upper 80s-low 90s lately.

I wrote some more on the memoirs last night. I usually write in the mornings, but this just had to get out. I'm not going into detail here, but let's just say it involves the being tucked into bed part of the evening. That took a while to write as I kept stopping and trying not to disassociate. But I needed to write it. I'll revisit it in a few days. It's hard to re-read those things right away, which is why I work on several at a time. That way I can switch around to less upsetting ones.

I feel like there's more, but I can't think what. Just very blah and disconnected today. It might be leftovers from that writing. I'll try and get some fresh fruit in to see if that helps.

[CactusFlower]

we have our parking back! They eventually came and cleaned up everything in the street.

I just read an entry in Hope's journal that talks about pictures of one's self as a child and how we don't have a concept of being that age sometimes. That made me think. Because we didn't have "good" childhoods, because our brains ended up differently... Does anyone else here have difficulty telling ages of young kids sometimes? Like, If I were to see kids in public, I can't tell how old they are within certain ranges. Like 3-5 or 6, or 7-12(ish) Someone could say, "Oh, they're in 4th grade" and I am "ummmm. How old is that?" I know I was 14-15 in my freshman year of high school (grade 9) but I can't figure out someone's grade or age by looking at them if it's before middle school. I know a couple early milestones so I can see when it's wrong in fiction, that's about it. (and it's annoying when an author has a 3-year-old speaking in complete grammatically perfect sentences. Like, no.)

My T is off this coming Monday for Memorial Day weekend. Let's hope the weeks go decently. I also need to schedule the next meds check-in. I'm not certain what to expect long-term. The Nortryptiline has reduced the anxiety in cars when I go out and brought the baseline mood from UGH up to Meh, but... is that it? Am I expecting too much from it? Is the everyday feeling supposed to just be at "meh"? I'll have to talk with her. It hasn't really effected being triggered or not, or dissociating when that happens. *shrug* Maybe I'm just feeling rather blah today.

[Armee]

I feel like feeling blah and disconnected is actually doing pretty good considering the part of your memoir you worked on recently and then also reread?

I firmly hold loads of hope that you'll get to the other side of processing this and feel more than meh more often. I see a lot of positive change just the past few months! I really do, that's not just cheerleading.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee, that's very helpful to hear someone sees that. Yeah, I'm sure that's some of it. I can't force processing so I have to let the memoirs develop at their own rate and try not to get frustrated when I want to write more.

[sanmagic7]

i agree all the way w/ armee, CF.  sounds like you're revisiting some rough stuff.  hope you can be patient w/ yourself and give you the time needed to get thru it.  and, yay for getting your parking back!!! love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san. just taking it one day at a time, that's the best I can do. I definitely have noticed an uptick in the skin picking and bouts of dissociation when working on this stuff.

I'm definitely going to slow down for the next couple of weeks. My T has this coming Monday off for the holiday, then my BFF is going to another state to visit his sister for a week or so.

On a positive note, my application for LIHEAP was approved, and rather quickly!  For those not in the USA, it's a program that helps with utility bills. (Low Income Heating and Energy Assistance Program) Every little bit helps, so I'm grateful for this. Apparently it's a check given to you once a year, so I need to go deposit that this coming week. My gas bill is autopay, so that's handy. Shame the electricity doesn't have that option yet, but I can still pay it online each month. I'm still trying to get my internet to accept the federal assistance program, but something on their end isn't matching up. I'll call again soon, but this will be the third call to customer service and I'm getting aggravated. It can be so frustrating, the way this country "tries" to help people and then the programs are hard to make work. Grrr. I'm going to stick with it until it's fixed as that would take over half off my internet bill. I qualified and all on the federal level, so I know the problem is with the provider company. Sigh. It's very exhausting to deal with even minor stress like this.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing these experiences and wish it was different in the US.