Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Doing a bit more writing and such still. I actually had a good few hours because while expanding one of the essays, I had a GOOD memory pop up. I was seven and we were just doing a day road trip while we were in South Korea to see the country. We stopped at a small roadside Buddhist shrine. Male parental unit was actually rather respectful. But I felt very peaceful and calm there and the two monks in attendance were adults I actually didn't feel nervous or afraid to be around. I was allowed to make a small donation and light some incense, and the monk who showed me how to hold the incense snuck a tiny carving of Buddha into my hand. I don't know what eventually happened to it, but I do know the male parental unit never found it. I remember feeling like someone outside the family finally saw me for real. I can't imagine what they thought of this random white family that showed up out of nowhere, but I feel like maybe they simply saw a child in need of some serenity and kindness for a few minutes.

It's kind of relieving to know there are some good memories in all that mess, even if they're slow to come out.

[CactusFlower]

Processing a very unpleasant memory lately. Lots of random crying throughout the day. It involved spanking at an age way too old for it. The anger and hurt and humiliation hit like a brick all over again. So sick of crying.

[rainydiary]

I am here to offer as much of a gentle presence as may be welcome. 

[Armee]

Lots of gentle support to you, Cactus Flower. I have violent unkind thoughts toward MPU right now just thinking about what you went through and how that spanking would layer on top of it all.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee and rainy. The care and support here means a lot to me and is very appreciated.

[Armee]

I didn't get a chance to comment on your prior post with the good memory and what a beautiful memory and act that was.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee. it's definitely something I'm treasuring and taking comfort in lately.

[CactusFlower]

 
Down today. Upset someone I never ever wanted to upset.

Another huge thing. I got my first denial letter from SSI/SSDI yesterday in the mail. I have a call out to my bro's lawyer for an initial consultation to start the first appeal and am just waiting for a call back. I know this is normal, but I guess a part of me did have hope. I'm doing okay so far and my BFF is helping with rent, but this severely pushes my anxiety buttons over money. So now I'm both anxious AND depressed. That combo makes for nausea. ugh. I think I'm just gonna lay down cause I'll be crying no matter what else I do. Also ramps up the pain that they clearly don't understand. Just... ugh.

[Blueberry]

  Money issues ramp up my anxiety too. 

[Armee]

Money stress and the rejection after putting so much into that application...ugh laying down and crying sounds like the right thing for right now. You are right that you need to fight it though. Sad that they put people through this. Gentle hugs to you too.

[I'm also blaming my post(s) and feeling bad. But I know that's not what our friend intends or wants.]

[CactusFlower]

Hugs to all!  And we're good, Armee. We learn from each other, as you said. Still open for hugs.

Yeah, the disability system in the USA bites. I didn't get a call back from the lawyer yet, but I'll call them again Monday if I don't hear by the afternoon. They're only M-F 8-5 anyway. I'm honestly trying not to think about it currently so I don't get into a major funk.

At least the heatwave broke. We're now in what they call locally the monsoon season. Really, that just means that it rains a little bit, it's not a huge thing like in a tropical country. I'm sitting here without all the fans on, so that nice for a change. Got about a week before the BFF comes back from vacation.  Maybe I'll do some more writing, we'll see.

[sanmagic7]

we're good too, CF.  no one here has hurt me.  it was a reality bites thing.  my own stuff.  i really appreciate those hits of reality cuz they help normalize what my reality actually is. 

sorry about the SSI - my D and i are also dealing with it and it's a royal pain.  sending love and a hug filled with support while you muddle thru their bureaucracy.  it's a really hard row to hoe.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san. Knowing how the system works definitely doesn't make it work faster. I've set the letter aside for the moment where I know it will be okay, yet not directly in my view to keep upsetting me.

On a positive note, although the lawyer didn't call me back Friday, I did get an email that he was out of town on a long weekend and would contact me Tuesday. A reply like that shows me he at least understands good customer/client relations. He has my bro's case, and my bro says he is good about getting back to people. So I feel a little less anxious after reading that email and will just wait til Tues.

[Armee]

Enjoy your rains and cooler weather! Setting that letter aside where you won't see it and focusing on the positives with the lawyer's responsiveness is so healthy!

I hope writing is healing and productive when you turn back to it. Do you have new assignments?

[CactusFlower]

Gosh yeah. It's not due until the... 29th? ish? it's every two weeks. I read super fast, so I've already read the chapters in the books. This one is all about the "hook", or how you start in a way that engages the reader. So we'll be writing potential first paragraphs. Of course, everyone is aware that these are just trials/really rough drafts and things can change as you write, so there's no pressure for it to be perfect or even the one you'll actually use. I'm thinking of starting either with my BFF's conversation about the ACEs test or maybe even the initial trigger.

it's been raining for hours here now, but it smells so good and feels so fresh coming through the windows. There's not really much wind at all, so I'm doing ok. Windy storms bother me a lot more than just thunder and rain. I also love the sound of rain on the roof.