Sage's Journal

[sanmagic7]

i, too, enjoy those sounds of nature, of weather, CF.  so glad you have some of that to freshen the air and everything around you.  keep going.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

As I was reading your post, I noticed how interesting it was that you shared about writing and also about rain falling and a feeling of freshness.  It made me wonder if writing will bring that sense of freshness to the mind and body.

[Armee]

Those both sound like great openers, Sage!

[sanmagic7]

rainy, writing brings a sense of satisfaction to me, a way to get into a different life/environment for a while, so, in a sense, there is a type of freshness that spills over into my real life.  often, (i've had falling to sleep problems for a long time) i'll think about where my story is going as i lay in bed, and it has a comforting quality to it, one that doesn't let those other nastier thoughts in, and i much more easily and gently fall asleep.  hug:

[CactusFlower]

Hugs to all and thank you. San, I'll have to try thinking of my writing then and see if it helps.

I read a workbook for survivors of CSA through my library's ereader thing, Hoopla.  It's pretty useful compared to spending money I don't have on books I don't know will help or not. I found myself crying through a lot of it, having to take breaks and such. One particular line (which I won't repeat here) talked about how fast abuse can happen, or in how little time. It's really bothering me. I feel like there's some awful connection to it. When the line crosses my mind, I start crying, I start bouncing my leg or picking at my skin, and my brain is all "nope nope nopey nope". I think I need to dwell with this a while.  There's several pieces to process.

As a distraction, Better World Books.com has a gigantic selection of mostly used books at great prices, free shipping on most, and is an environmentally conscious company. Also, it's not Amazon. I've bought books there a few years now. I just purchased "Courage to Heal" used for about $5. There seems to be a lot of positive reviews, so for that price, I'll read it. Should be here in a week or so.

[Armee]

I can't imagine how much strength it takes to be ready to start reading books and doing workbooks on this topic, Sage. It sounds like there's a lot a lot of resonance with the piece about how quick it can happen and that "nope nopety nope nope" reaction is important. 

[CactusFlower]

Yeah, I have to just pace myself and not read something in large chunks.

Another positive note, I've spoken with the Lawyer and have an initial appointment for next week on Weds to start the process. That really takes some anxiety away. Plus, I keep EVERYTHING and have a divided organized file folder. So I'll just concentrate on being organized to have what I need. Big deep breath.

[sanmagic7]

breathing right alongside you, CF.  hope it goes well w/ the lawyer.

that passage stating how fast abuse can happen and in how little time gave me a little gut punch, too.  it really doesn't take much for abuse to be present and consequently hold fast to us over time.  'stop crying - you'll get over it' is a phrase too many of us have heard, taken internally, and brought into our own framework of self as being faulty for not being able to shake this crapola off.

sorry, i wandered a bit.  love and hugs to you, CF.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs right back, san, thank you.  I totally heard something very similar back then. It's most of why I find it extremely difficult to cry in front of other people. When I do, it still feels like something very shameful and weak. The more I do this work, the more I see how it influenced every little thing I do, just about. Ya know?

[Armee]

My behind the desk wave was supposed to be a group hug!   So here's the emoti I was going for!

Your organization is for sure an asset in this battle with the bureaucracy. It's really frustrating they make people fight for benefits they need and deserve.

[rainydiary]

It's most of why I find it extremely difficult to cry in front of other people. When I do, it still feels like something very shameful and weak. The more I do this work, the more I see how it influenced every little thing I do, just about. Ya know?

This resonates with me and my experiences.  I am glad we have each other for support.

[sanmagic7]

yep,CF, i know what you mean all too well.  it's really difficult for me to not be triggered by almost anything anywhere anytime.  triggers are everywhere for me, and my responses nearly take over my life.  hopefully, i'm making some ground w/ healing from it all.

i'm w/ rainy on the idea of being so glad we have such meaningful and knowing support here.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you and hugs back, san, rainy, and Armee. The place has truly been such as asset in this journey, I'm grateful to have found it and met ya'll. grouphug!

[CactusFlower]

A little better today. BFF made it back from his vacation yesterday. I made a bbq beef roast in the slow cooker for dinner, it turned out well. Very tender. He had a pretty relaxing trip, other than a pyrex pan breaking in the oven at his sister's place. Everyone's fine, but quite surprised.

I had a strange dream last night, but I think it was a good one? I creamed I was at a job with a new boss and she was yelling at me about some meeting I'd missed that she never told me anything about. I waited until she was done, calmly pointed out how I couldn't have known, then told her if she has a problem, talk to me in public but I wouldn't stand there and be yelled at like a kid with an abusive parent. Then I woke up, heart racing and adrenaline cold from the fear of talking back and fear of getting fired in the dream.  But the boundary setting in a dream was a positive, I think. I'll mention it to my T tomorrow.

I'm really having to regulate/reduce my reading of news and social media at the moment. A lot of things the right wingers say about the lack of bodily autonomy is very triggering. So... yeah. Just ugh.

[Armee]

I agree Sage, 100% with you both on limiting news at the moment and that the qct of setting boundaries in your dream seems very positive even though it was also an upsetting dream. Your brain is practicing! That's actually truly amazing to me!