Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Hope, I appreciate that! hugs back

My T is reluctant to separate out diagnoses, but her reason makes sense. She says if we did that now, they might find the timing suspicious. Sigh. Bureaucracies. She will be writing a letter for the lawyer about how and why I can't work due to my issues. She's done plenty of those before, so that should be helpful. I'm checking in with the psych next weds about my meds, I'll ask her too.

The ACA meetings continue to be good. I felt comfortable enough to volunteer to read yesterday. (We read the steps and such together in the meetings, things from the book, etc. and take turns as someone puts it onscreen) Even when the topic is about the workplace, I can easily see how I reacted in the past with these qualities as well as how to apply it to other interactive situations. I used to be quite proud of being the admin  that everyone knew as easy to get along with and the "go-to" person if you needed to know or find something. It was a big fawn reaction, tons of people pleasing. Yet at the same time, I didn't mind being unnoticed otherwise so no one could find fault with me. I also see where I found it hard to say no if praise was involved. "X, you're really good at that, can you help?" "Umm, sure." Not healthy for me. As for the meetings, since getting the literature and finding a good group worked out well, I'm opening it up to the Universe that I'm ready for a sponsor to help me work the program. (I say universe because "Higher Power" to me does NOT mean "God.") We'll see how that goes.

Other than that, I've been trying to stay cool indoors. This heatwave, ugh. I do live in a desert climate, but this day after day of 102, 104 degrees F are NOT normal and are miserable. Even the poor kitties just lay around between drinks of water. Still, I'd rather deal with this any day instead of being too cold, but that's another story. Thank goodness for evaporative coolers and good fans.

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF

i learned about manipulations a long time ago, and one of them was compliments such as you describe.  i know it can be hard to say no when praise is involved, but many people use that as a way to get us to do what they want.  when you think about how it makes it more difficult to say no to what they want, it's because they're using a manipulation.  stick to yourself, what feels good for you, and leave their manipulation behind.  we've been trained to be people-pleasers in order to get that praise we so want.

good luck w/ the soc. sec. - my D is going thru that process right now, so know you're not alone in this.  i'm glad your T is going to help.  we just have to keep slogging thru the crapola of bureaucracy, but as my D's T told her, your health is more important than the system.  do what you need to do, ok?  right beside you on this.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

thanks for the hugs, san, those are always welcome.

Didn't have family dinner last night. BFF was feeling crappy and triggered, so we'll do it next weekend. I did manage to cheer him up a little by email, but I totally understand needing sudden downtime. Been doing okay so far otherwise. Writing is in a little lull, but the workbook is still okay. I was excited to see Marvel's plans  at Comic-Con for upcoming phases. I'm a huge Marvel fan, lol. Mostly I've just been trying to stay cool. I do have a meds check-in Weds. Also, I got my letter that the check-up mammogram is next month, so I need to schedule that. It sure doesn't feel like 6 months already. This one should be fine, then they'll go back to not as often. I'm grateful for a place that understands my anxiety and does what they can to help. I also need to schedule the check-in for my aching hands.

I don't want to jinx it, but there's a possibility of getting something in front of a real editor in the close future, another project BFF and I wrote. Any positive energy towards that eventually getting published would be welcome.

[sanmagic7]

sending hugs filled w/ positive energy toward your project!!!  best of luck, CF!   

[rainydiary]

I am sending energy for your project. 

I also appreciate that you come from a place of understanding when your friend needed some downtime. 

[CactusFlower]

Productive but so exhausted today. We went to the grocery store and stocked up on cold and easily reheatable foods. From about 11am on, it's just too hot to cook, and I was getting tired of bagels, cheese, or cereal. LOL I'm hoping having this on hand so as not to use up my energy will help. It was a lot of walking, though, and my hips and knees are done for the day. I also sweat excessively outside in this heat and I just HATE that feeling. I am so grateful for my cooler and fans.

I sent the scanned mammogram letter to my doc's office, then arranged an appointment for my hands aching, so those two things are achieved. I have a check-in with my meds doc tomorrow. There hasn't really been much change if at all. I don't know if there is supposed to be by now, so I have way to judge if anything should change. The Prazosin is just being kinda so-so about the nightmares, but I've also had more memories come back and affect me since we last talked. I'm processing something somewhere in the background, as I have just been crying for no reason/at the slightest thing lately. I was reading about the life of Andrew Carnegie, the rich philanthropist, and how he did so much good for people before and after his death, and teared up. he would HATE American companies these days. But that is definitely not something I'd normally even get emotional about, let alone cry at.

The daily meditations from the ACA site have mostly been eerily appropriate for the day's thoughts each time. and ironically, yesterday's was "On this day I welcome all of my feelings, especially those that are unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I have the tools to work through them in order to mend my broken heart from childhood."  I can take a hint, universe. LOL

[rainydiary]

I hope that the meal solution ends up being supportive and that you can stay as cool as possible. 

[CactusFlower]

Positive: Doc put the mammogram referral through already, so I can call them Monday and schedule that for next month. Also got actual dr visit schedule for the hand aches. The cold food has been very helpful so far. My bro is entering finals week for the semester, so he's appreciative of low-effort food also. med check-in this morning in about 45 minutes. I'll come back and journal how that went.

Edit: Notriptyline unchanged, increasing Prazosin slightly due to nightmares. We're good to go for another 2 months.

[sanmagic7]

hang tough in the heat, CF - hangin' right beside you.  we'll get thru it.  glad your doc visit went well.     love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you and hugs back, san.

Slight frustration as the last couple days, Zoom suddenly won't recognize or find my camera and mic. Literally nothing changed from day to day, not even a computer update. This kind of stuff is so annoying because fixing it is so often just throwing stuff at it to see what works. I put Zoom on my phone, though, so I can still get to meetings.

Also a little annoyed today at my food. I tried a type of pre-cooked pasta you heat in the micro for 1 minute, and some cheese sauce. Worst tasting crud ever. The pasta was NOT soft enough to be al dente and the cheese sauce was pure salt, IMHO. So I had to toss that. So I got a couple of croissants, put them on my desk where the bowl was, get a drink, then see a super tiny little spider on the napkin. Folded that over and took care of it... But I don't know if it had been on the bowl or was on a croissant, so I couldn't bring myself to eat them and tossed the two croissants. UGH! So I ended up with a handful of pistachios and some organic potato chips, and I'm grumpy. I feel terrible doing that, wasting food was a giant no-no when I was a kid. So there's some fear and anger involved there. I just wanted lunch! The meeting's in an hour, maybe I'll share today and talk about that.

[sanmagic7]

i hate it when my expectations of food go awry, CF, so i totally get your frustration.  plus the whole zoom thing, but i'm glad you've found a way to continue w/ your meetings.  they sound like they're helping. yay for that!    love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs back, san!

I tried re-installing the windows Zoom client, and that seems to have worked, fingers crossed. I'm certainly hoping, because sound quality on the phone isn't quite as good if someone is softer-spoken.

I did actually share about my fear and anger frustrations with food, and that helped. There really is something powerful about being in a space you can count on to respect you. (interrupting, commenting on, and referring to someone's share is forbidden.) 

I'm sending calm energy to my bro, this and next is finals week for him. it's biology and genetics, so it's pretty intense. He also appreciated having low-spoon foods to eat.

[Armee]

Lots of luck coming your way for publication on your project!

Ugh how dare that spider ruin your croissants!!

[CactusFlower]

I had to toss those two croissants, but after careful inspection, I'm fine with the rest.

My T is skipping this week as she will see if she gets picked for jury duty or not. It should be okay and I do have the ACA meetings everyday. That has been quite helpful, really. I did come to a realization, though. These places are safe spaces by intention. Yet I still haven't turned my camera on. I was thinking about why, and the issue is all with me. There are all kinds of people in there, and it's great. The potential for ridicule and shame is what's holding me back from turning on that camera. Yet this is the perfect test environment to do so. To relax that little bit of attempting to control a situation. I stayed a little bit after the Saturday meeting (a different but good group) and chatted. There are several people in there that are just wonderful. You're supposed to ask someone to be a sponsor or a fellow Traveler when you find someone you click with because the healing can't be done in isolation. The Saturday meeting has someone I might consider asking to be my sponsor. We'll see. This starts my 4th week of meetings and they're a great supplement to the therapy. They can't replace it and aren't meant to, but it helps that I know there is somewhere I can go and share about what's bugging me, if I need to.

Also realized I need to return to my meditation/Buddhist practice. It did bring me a lot of peace. I let it lapse when I was first triggered and all this started, but I'm at a place where it can help again. It's very... calming? Supportive? Comforting, that's the word. Knowing I have that waiting for me to return to it. Even if there are days that's the only 15 minutes of peace I get, I'll take it.

[CactusFlower]

One of the frustrating things about doing all this healing work is how it makes me question the littlest things. When I realize so much can be related to my trauma, it makes me look at all my habits/like/dislikes/whatever and analyze them. Or is it overanalyzing?

I was eating some gummy candy yesterday and had to wash my hands afterwards. I can deal with a lot of different things on my hands and I don't normally have texture issues. Separating raw chicken, repotting plants, painting, dust, craft glue, whatever. Those and more don't bother me.

But I utterly, utterly, HATE when my hands are sticky.  Always have. Decades ago, I help some friends process a 5gallon bucket of honeycomb they'd gotten from an apiary. Squeezing the honeycomb wax wasn't the problem. Filtering out other things, ok. Scraping the last off my hands and having to wash 3 times to get the sticky off? revolting. (I love honey, btw) Dealing with bread dough? I'm fine once it gets past the sticky stage. Grossed out until then. Aaaaaand I just realized just now, those are organic substances. I do crafts, always have, and various types of actual glue doesn't bother me. Whether it's runny like superglue or thick like hot or wood glue, no prob. yes, I know some glues are made from organic things, but it doesn't feel the same. And part of my mind is really shying away hard from thinking about why I hate having sticky hands. It doesn't really nauseate me, it makes me angry and disgusted.

And I need to talk about anything else now. Anyhow, I'm really liking the ACA groups. I saw a lack out there of a non-meeting safe place for people who LGBTQIA+ and/or a non-mainstream religion who are in recovery programs. Oh there's Pagans In Recovery and Buddhist Recovery and other stuff, but they're mostly websites, maybe forums like this is here. There's not anything I can find that's a more immediate, potentially realtime way to connect. So, I'm creating a Discord server for people to interact on. A good way for people to support each other that isn't a text or phone call. I really hope it's successful. I'm still in the building stage and have some friends who will test functionality for me. Fingers crossed.