Sage's Journal

[Armee]

Hey. Sending some gentle support. It makes sense that the disgust and discomfort comes from specific types of substances. One of many ways the body is keeping the score. I'm sorry, Sage. I'm not sure if it'll be true for you but I've found when I really recognize and understand a trigger like that...it tends to lose its power, but until I understand what's happening it persists. Perhaps that sensation will become more tolerable once you see it for what it really represents and let that anger and disgust have its rightful say. It isn't ok and I'm sorry.

Your discord group sounds like such a great idea and I bet you'll make it a really supportive safe place for people. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee. Yeah, it takes work to ease the gut reaction and I know that work will happen. My body does seem to bring things up in degrees so I can not totally check out when it surfaces. I appreciate your empathy.

Work continues on the Discord server. My bro's last final of the semester is today, so he can help me test it after then. I'm so proud of him, he's done so well in his Bio class that he technically didn't even have to attend the last lab, but did anyway. But goodness has this heavy science semester been intense for him. Summer's always packed into far less time anyway.

I downloaded an app I used to have for meditating. (Medito, I love their voices) I'm going to try to get back in the habit again. Not only for calming and mindfulness practice, but to enhance my spirituality. I was in too much survival mode since this all started to pay any attention to that, but I think I'm in a place now where I can reincorporate it little by little. Back in my abusive relationship, some of the only times I felt peace were when I could close the door and meditate.

And real life calls. My cat is complaining to me because he can see an inch or two of the bottom of the bowl, which indicates he may starve before I get to the kitchen. He's such a dramatic boy, LOL. The other cat is just laying there and looking at me like "Really? can you ask him to keep it down, Mom?"   LOL fur kids.

[sanmagic7]

what a crack up about your cat!  my D's cat does the same thing!!!  too funny.

good luck w/ your new venture.  it sounds important and valuable!  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

hugs, san, thank you.

Just a quick funny positive thing this morning. I'm on a discord server for people with CPTSD, and chatting with someone in the food channel. turns out they live in the city in Sweden I have an ancestor from. (I love genealogy).  What a cool thing! We're talking right now about the foods I might like to try making.

[rainydiary]

I enjoyed reading about the connection you made on Discord.

[sanmagic7]

very cool.  enjoy!!!  love and hugs

[Bach]

Hi 

Could you please tell me how to find a discord server for people with CPTSD?  I'm on one for something else because someone invited me but I don't really know how to use discord aside from that. 

I have a Buddhist practice too, I chant.  It's hard for me to do consistently but it's so good for me when I do.  It is good to have something like that to turn to, isn't it?

[CactusFlower]

hugs, rainy and san! Thank you!  Bach, I'll private message you the invite links. The CPTSD Discord I'm on has a lot of really good people. and the ranting channel has a way to set trigger warnings off and on, which is very cool. lots of topics, lots of resources, I really like checking in on there too.

And yeah, I've got a long way to go before I have consistency, but it something that feels good and right. And learning compassion and kindness for one's self is not easy, but so worth it.  May you, I, and all sentient beings know loving kindness.

[rainydiary]

CF, I am also interested in the name of the Discord server if you wouldn't mind sharing in DM.

I hope you keep finding steps towards self compassion and self kindness.

[CactusFlower]

Well, the server seems to be going decently. I'm playing with the "have to agree to the rules" page, but I've had 9 or 10 people join so far. I'm being cautious and asking permission in some areas to post about the server. I don't want to be a spammer or break rules. So that's a positive.

I talked to my T yesterday about the sticky hands thing and she was actually positive about my looking at things to see if they're related to my trauma. It's not over-analyzation right now, it's understanding and seeing how broadly and deeply the trauma affected so much of me.

I have my meds refilled finally, the pharmacy got ahold of the doc to get the refills on the right dosage. I don't know why they hadn't deleted the old one, but whatever. I definitely noticed my anxiety spiking again after only 4 or 5 days off it.

I had my doc visit for the aching at the base of the thumbs. I've got to go get xrays in the next few days, then she might refer me to an orthopedist to see if they want to do anything. I knew it was more likely arthritis and not tendonitis. But they gotta rule crud out, even if you know your own body really well.

[Armee]

Hi Sage. Your T sounds really good and gentle. I agree that it's not overanalying. Noticing these things is important to healing (in my limited experience at least), even though at first it's upsetting to see how much it's affected everything.

Taking it slow and cautious on keeping the discord space safe is very smart, to stay by the original goals.

I hope there's some way to get relief from the arthritis part of the FM. I remember when I was struggling with something like that for a couple years and everything hurt. My joints would hurt so bad and one night I literally watched my finger joint swelll and form a new lump on the joint that stayed. I was like welp! Not imagining THAT! I don't suffer from this anymore I don't know if healed from treating a gut infection or from therapy but it sucked to hurt all the time all over...joints, muscles, tissue. So I hope that at some point in the future this beast will leave you alone.

Any word from disability benefits or the lawyer?

[CactusFlower]

Hey, Armee-

yeah, it's gotten to the point that sometimes it's hard to grip large mugs and stuff, and I have those lever/twister things for opening cans and jars. It's not all the time, but it can be frustrating. I'm just glad to get x-rays because it's a way of proving what I already know, if that makes sense. Like I knew I had bad knees, and the xrays proved osteoarthritis in them.

No word yet on the disability front in general. My T wrote a great detailed letter for the case as to why my CPTSD means I can't work at all, and the lawyer promptly sent me a copy along with a copy of the "proof of submission" where he uploads such documents. The average time around here for a case to even get to court is about 10 months, and I started with him in July. Sigh. But I can make it until then otherwise and have good kind people helping me, so I'm grateful for that. Til then, I'm just hanging in there and doing the work, ya know?  

[rainydiary]

I hope this process ends up supportive of you in the long run.  I am often overwhelmed by the amount of bias and prejudice and outright oppression built into our systems especially systems of support.  I hope we can all keep working toward a time when supports are given in a normalized way where we accept and understand we are all different and need different things to be. 

[sanmagic7]

 

my D and i are also in the process of the disability stuff, and it does take a long time.  i'm glad you have kind and generous people around to support you as you go thru it.  it's a jungle!  love and hugs

[Armee]

You really are doing the work, Sage.