Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, rainy, san and armee. Grouphug!

Today was pretty good. The x-rays were over with quickly. The hospital system was one I hadn't been to before, so they had to create a system-wide account. I was highly impressed because they had a for for preferred name, pronouns, gender, sexuality, worship preference, and had lots of options as well as write-in options. I felt very valid and heard. They still have to narrow down some options in the computer since they get federal government funds and such, but they treat people with respect. I was glad to see it.

Then we went to a special shoe store, as I needed new shoes that were orthopedically correct and fit by certified professionals. (I have small, but wide feet and some edema swelling) It wasn't going to be in the budget, but my bro wanted to pay for them. Part of my work is learning to trust and actually accept help when it's offered. (wow, it's hard sometimes) So he did, and I have excellent shoes that will last at least 8 years. The brand is Drew, and I've had them before in my life. Very good quality. It was actually slightly easier to walk around and even felt a little better for my knees. Plus, fitting that well means relatively easy on and off.  That was kind of him, so I treated us to boba tea and lunch on the way home.

Hmm.  Let me take a pic here of the shoes.  it'll show up when Kizzie has time, so no rush. 

[sanmagic7]

congrats, CF, not only on the great shoes but also to that medical system which allows individuals to be exactly who they are.  win-win!  i'm glad things went smoothly for you.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, San! Thank you. yeah, you gotta take the good days where you can, right?

Weird dreams last night. I swear, the Prazosin reduces the frequency of nightmares, but it feels like my regular dreams have topics that I wouldn't normally think of. So last night, part of it was that I was working in/hanging out in this place that was part bar or pub and part weed dispensary/store. Like, you could have a drink or a joint in there. Funny if you think about it. But no one was going to excess on either one. it was just like any other local place with regulars from the community. Then the last part of the night, I was talking with someone who'd purchased an electric car to replace the one he previously had, and I was plugging it in to help him charge. it took a minute because plugging the one end into the car was apparently upside down from the previous way. I then chatted for a while as it charged, talking about mileage and how cute the car was, etc.  I don't give a poop about cars in real life and don't even drive, so I have no idea where that come from.  Very odd and funny.

Just mainly resting today from the running around yesterday. My orange cat has gas and I've called him a jerk for stinking up the room twice now. I laugh a lot, but I hope he doesn't figure out how to do that as a defensive action, HA HA.

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
You mentioning your ginger cat made me laugh.  That was funny.   

Interesting to hear about your dreams last night.  Especially the one with the electric car. 

Hope you enjoy your day mainly resting, that sounds good. 

Hope 

[Armee]

That dream is so weird given you don't care about cars!!!!

[Not Alone]

  for your new shoes and for your bro's kindness in paying for those. Pat on the back to you for allowing him to do that for you.

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, NotAlone, Armee, Hope.  It's been kinda quiet for the most part. I have had some odd dreams lately where I've gotten angry at someone. Not nightmares, but not my usual fare either.

Meeting with my T should be interesting today. We're going to be trying their new patient portal online where they will have sessions instead of zoom. I get having a comprehensive portal, I just hope this crud works. It can be very frustrating learning new software and I know she wasn't looking forward to it either.

The Discord server is a slow start, but I do have 16 people signed up already. I'll have to re-promote every so often as those messages fall off the radar in the other forums and such. I'd rather it be slow and steady than fast and crash, ya know? One person has a project of recording the daily ACA meditation they put out and uploading it to soundcloud. He has a nice voice for it and I'm all for making stuff more accessible.

The writing is still in a little lull at the moment, but I'm not rushing it. The few memoirs I've read so far about CSA have all been published by SheWritesPress.  So that may be a very valid place to look when it's eventually ready. Even if no one takes it, I'll self-publish. But it would be cool not to have to. BFF is starting a writer's critique group in the regional writer's association around here and I'll get in on it. Should be... interesting. As long as I don't have to produce something different every meeting, really. My creativity goes to heck when it's forced to a timeline. Currently, I'm reading "Unspoken Legacy" by Claudia Black. She presents a lot of the trauma information in a very accessible form. It's hard to describe. Similar to "The Body keeps the Score", but with not as many technical aspects and with more case study examples. It's a decent read.

[Papa Coco]

I'm no expert, but when you talk about dreaming about helping someone charge their electric car, perhaps the dream was less about the car (which you have no interest in) but more about the fact that electric cars are a new thing, a major change in our social fabric. Cars are a method of transporting us forward, and electric cars are a way of transporting us into a changing world. E cars are society's quintessential idol that marks "the new future is starting to happen now."  I wonder if your brain was feeling like you're starting to participate in a new future, and it associated that with "electric cars", and you actually found yourself participating in the new change.

Also, the idea of being in a pot-bar is also something that's new to most cultures. Pot is finally now legal here in my state, so to us, it's a part of a new, freer world we're just now coming into.

Just by reading about your dream, I feel, in my gut, like it was a real positive message from your brain, that maybe you feel ready to move forward into a new world?

Like I say, I'm no expert, but I am an avid dreamer, and that one felt like a positive dream to me.

[sanmagic7]

good luck w/ the session w/ your T, CF.  hope it goes smoothly.  also w/ your writing.  to get published would be amazing, but my D and i have had good luck w/ self-publishing as well.  the writers' critique group sounds interesting.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Also, CactusFlower,

I'm excited to read that you're writing a book. That's a powerful experience. Publishing it can be as expensive as you choose to make it. You can publish it for nearly free if you want to self-publish. Or you can spend tens of thousands if you want to pay people to do all sorts of things like create your cover, and edit, and publish, and promote for you.

One of my very favorite quotes is from author Flannery O'Connor, who said "I write to discover what I know."  Writing a book is powerful good healing for people like us with heads full of trauma. We end up teaching ourselves while we try to teach others.

I'm like you though, my creativity works best when there's no deadline.

I've published three fiction novels about a boy who lived a life very similar to mine. I made a lot of mistakes during the publishing that cost me a lot of money. If you ever have simple questions about my experience, just send me a message and I'll be happy to confess to my mistakes or share what I know about each step. When I was writing the books, (which took 7 years)  I was in a serious tornado of questions about how to write, and how to publish. It can be as easy as uploading a word file on Amazon.com, or as complicated as contracting with publishers who you don't know if you can trust or not.

I don't promote my books. Since publishing in 2017 I've only sold a couple hundred copies. But that's because I don't promote. I don't care if people read them or not. For me, writing them was where all the healing took place. I HAD to publish them so that I could know, in my heart, that I've exposed my story to the world. I know that a few people read them, and that's all I needed so as to feel like I've been "heard." Now I feel like I'm not alone with my experience anymore. Writing them and putting them on display is where ALL the healing took place for me.

[Armee]

The critique group sounds really potentially helpful! I hope the T appointment goes well.

[Papa Coco]

Armee is right: Critique groups can be invaluable. Of all the things I did while writing my books, the critique groups were the single best thing I did.

The trick, for me, was to not let the honest feedback hurt my feelings. What we write is deeply personal to us, and if someone says it could have been worded better, well, it hurts a little. I used to let it hurt during the meeting, but I'd go home and "put my big-boy pants on" and make myself accept the critique as helpful feedback. I'd follow the good suggestions and rewrite.

I can say my own writing improved a thousand percent because of those critique groups.

[CactusFlower]

Papa Coco- What a great way of looking at it! I think you may be right. Thank you for the insight. Also, thank you for the offer of publishing advice. I do have a poetry book I self-published years ago via lulu.com, so I know that route would also work. I've heard some horror stories from independent authors re: Amazon's self-publishing, but I'd research a lot before choosing. And that publishing was the healing part resonates with me. I can no longer be silent. We'll see about the critique group. I do look forward to getting a little feedback from non-friends, even if the other person's genre isn't my own. At the very least, my BFF is very experienced in leading groups for things. (He's a social worker, LOL)

san and armee- thank you. the tech portal with my therapist worked just fine, let's hope that continues.

I'm sure my writing will ramp up as fall continues as well. Cooler weather has often been a "sip tea and write things" kind of season for me. I feel oddly antsy today for some reason. If I get too bored, I'll straighten the living room a little. Maybe I'll spring for Little Caesar's pizza for lunch, Bro got an A and two B's in his chem and genetics classes. I knew he could do it!

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i've also found writing fiction beneficial as a distraction from the real world at times, when i need to get out of my head and into another time and/or place.  sending love and much support for your writing career.  it's great!   

[Armee]

Way to go bro!!!!

You, bro and BFF are a wonderful chosen family to each other. It's so beautiful to see and read about.