Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Big smiles, san and Armee-  yeah, chosen family makes a huge difference.

I get to go to brunch today with my BFF, then help his set up a social media "presence" as an author. Which means dragging his grumpy butt into this century on Facebook, Twitter, and who knows what else. LOL it took me years to get him on a smartphone, ha ha. He does short stories and screenplay adaptations along with some original screenplays, so he need this presence to help market his stuff. it's kinda sad what publishers expect authors to do anymore, be their own marketing dept and all. But at least he has me as his tech support.

No weird dreams lately, but definitely an impending sense of... something. I don't know what, but I can feel it building, like when you know a storm's coming.There's been a couple of times I felt like I was about to cry randomly, but haven't. I suppose I should at least be grateful for my body giving me warning signs. I need to really do some ACA work later this afternoon, though. Having Step One being all about admitting what you're powerless to control and what you actually can control is becoming more and more obvious. Really, Universe, you can quit now, I can take hints. LOL

[Armee]

I'm so amazed at how kindly you lend a hand to so many people. You're a good one.

[Papa Coco]

CactusFlower,

It's interesting what you said about feeling an impending sense of...something.

For what it's worth, for the past three days I've been on edge, and I've been having nothing but trouble with electronics, traffic, my car, my garage doors...even the chip on my daily use credit card just gave out making for some very embarrassing moments at the grocery store check stand. My phone's been ringing every couple of hours with spammers and I've been getting more than average spam attacks on the internet and email.

For me, it's just a good time to hide in the house, not pay any bills or buy anything until the energy of my surroundings starts to calm down again.

[rainydiary]

CF, feeling an impending sense of something resonates with me deeply.  I hope that you make movement with processing and reflecting at your pace.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee, Papa Coco, and rainy. Your support is so appreciated. 

[CactusFlower]

Today was interesting. I got up about 8:15 and as I was brushing my teeth the power went out. Then came on for a few seconds, then out, then on again, then out. BFF texted me to see if we wanted to go get lunch. The power came back on right before we left, but we went anyway. Had a lovely lunch, then decided to hit the international grocery stores.  I am grateful I have the ability to try snacks from other countries! It was a lot of shopping, though, and I'm exhausted. We're doing family lunch tomorrow as we're all too tired to do dinner tonight, LOL So it was fun, but I'm definitely down for the count from it. It was significantly cooler and rainy-er today, which is very nice.

[rainydiary]

I am glad you had a good time and also relate to how exhausting shopping can be.

[Armee]

Love those different snacks! I had one of those Korean fish bean paste icecreams today. Yummy. (Yes it sounds gross if you don't know what it is!    )

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, rainy and Armee!  I do know what you mean about the ice cream. There's a place here that sells them, I just haven't gotten there yet. But the pics of the ice cream cones shaped like fish are so cute! I'll take photos when we eventually get there.

Another odd dream last night. At first, I'd purchased this ramshackle house a ways away from town and was looking around it to see what needed to be done. A LOT. Broken boards, moss, fireplace that needed cleaning, outbuildings in terrible disrepair, etc. I joked that I needed an archaeologist, not someone in construction. After wandering around for a while, it changed and was now a really nice new home, two levels, excellent outbuildings with storage and extra parking, the whole 9 yards. But I was also having other people move in and it was designed for a group. The people were.... mercenaries? it was like we were spiffing up the place to survive something, or at least have a near-impenetrable home defense. Like, men and women, really nice and kind, but in combat clothes and well-trained in arms and other skills. Near the end, I was outside on the back upper deck. The house was kinda built into a hillside, to the back was level with the hill and the front door was lower. I could see through the windows down into the house (not sure why so much glass was so defensible) as I filled large water bottles, like the 5-gallon delivery kind. I remember thinking as I worked that it was a dumb choice, as I'd have to get someone else to haul the heavy bottle down inside the house. Then I thought about using an "ability" I had, which was the ability to psychically teleport people or things. I could imagine teleporting the bottle down to where it needed to be, but no one knew I could and would probably freak out. Then there was this older wise man standing beside me, telling me I should tell them what I could do and they deserved to know, that they wouldn't freak out or hate me. I was nervous, though, and asked "How do I do that? Just randomly bring up, 'oh hi guys, I'm a mutant, what's for dinner?'" He smiled and said, "Just tell them, then move the water as proof." Then I woke up.

I swear, my brain makes good movie plots sometimes.

[Armee]

That dream is amazing!!!! I for one feel like it's a dream about recovery!

[CactusFlower]

  I'm kinda hoping it is.

Side note as I cook today. I hate sweating. I don't care what reason there is, it just always feels so gross to me. Great, something else to probably explore.

[Armee]

I have the very exact same reaction, especially anything... well enough said...but once I realized what was happening and why...It helped. The tiniest bit of heat or moisture would make me think i was so gross and disgusting and I'd need everyone to stay away from me and shower 4 times a day to not be gross. Now I can realize  I'm not actually gross I just feel that way. It's made grocery shopping a lot easier lol.

[CactusFlower]

Every time I think about the sticky hands or sweating thing, my mind veers off rapidly. As in... "Why do I hate these feelings so much?" Body/Mind: "Nope nope nopity nope, we gonna leave now. Clean your desk off, fidget, pick at your skin, bounce your leg, zone out, whatever, but we are not gonna think about that." My T and I discussed how it's entirely possible to not retrieve full memories sometimes if something happened around the age of 3 or 4 simply because the mind might not have recorded it. That's really hard for me because I've always been like, "I need to KNOW" how and why and what.

I told my T something and admitted that I hadn't wanted to tell her because my initial reaction is that it makes me sound crazy. We talked for a moment about how the media distorts "crazy". We then talked about how it could be either an internal reaction OR possibly a memory, I don't know yet. I have heard a little girl's voice in my head, about 3 or 4 like my youngest IC.  I just hear her yelling, "Stop it!"

Memory or reaction, I just don't want to hear her. I don't want that to be me.

[Armee]

I can really really understand not wanting that voice to be yours at that young age. I also love that little one for having the life in her to yell "stop it!" Even if only in her head. She's a good one, Sage.

[Blueberry]

 

I don't have any better words than Armee or anything to say in addition