Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee and Blueberry. 

I attended an online seminar? talk? workshop thingy yesterday about working with the inner family, put on by an Adult Children of Alcoholics group in Brussels. (11 am my time, 7pm for them) Wow. We worked with the Inner Loving Parent, the Inner Child, and the Inner Teenager. I had to cut out and go to my regular meeting in the last hour, but I've worked with the Inner Critic before, so that's okay. It was hard getting to the first one. I have 3 Inner Children at ages 3 or 4, 7ish, and almost 10. I hadn't ever addressed an Inner Teenager before, although I've heard about it before from my BFF. I think I contacted her, but I'm not sure. She's super quiet and hard to see/find. I definitely wasn't really expecting to cry so much during it. I have a checkup with my meds psych in just a moment here, so I'll write more later.

[CactusFlower]

Well, let's see how this goes. I volunteered to be on the Literature Committee for my ACA meeting group. It's not terribly often and is just things like approving the script and resource page. If I feel like giving more service, I'll try being timekeeper in the future.

Got laundry done today. Achievement! And of course, Pumpkin has parked her fuzzy butt on my clean sweatpants, LOL.  Kids.

Didn't sleep all that well last night. Not sure why. I didn't have any memorable dreams, no noise from neighbors, comfy temperature... Just woke up a few times. Bleah.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
Your session with your inner children sounds really good, and like you made progress.  Sorry to hear you didn't sleep that well last night though.  Maybe you'll get a better night tonight.  I hope so 

Volunteering to be on the Literature Committee sounds interesting, and I hope you enjoy doing that.  Great that your laundry is out of the way too - definitely an achievement.   

I really like the name 'Pumpkin' - is she a ginger cat?

Hope 

[Armee]

Bad sleep sucks. I hope today is restful. Cats sleeping on clean clothes. Endearing...infuriating...

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee and Hope.  ironically, no, Pumpkin is a tortoiseshell, but sweet as pumpkin pie. My orange cat is called Varric.

I got most of the laundry put away today, so that's sooner than usual. I am trying to restrain myself and not take on too much in general so I don't have to feel the guilt and shame if I can't continue that later. I am with BFF in creating a new writer's critique group in a regional writer's association. I'm hoping it will improve my writing. I also worry about having stuff to submit, as I find it very hard to be creative on demand. Fortunately, I have a lot of older stuff that I can use for now. I'll have to reformat it to publishing standards, but that's pretty easy in Word. (1 inch margins, double spaced, 12 point times new roman) I also feel a great deal of reluctance to let strangers read/critique parts of my memoir. I know an editor would do that someday, but it feels different to know these local people would then know what happened to me.

ACA is going fine, lots of deep work. I have met someone in the Saturday meetings I'm considering asking if she's willing to be my sponsor. I really admire all the work she's done and has gone through.  We'll see. I will remember to not take it personally if she doesn't, she may not have time or be in a place where she wants to do that, and that's not my fault.  I haven't felt comfortable enough to ask anyone else so far, at least not the instant being at ease as her energy has.

[Blueberry]

  for the laundry being done    for Pumpkin's fuzzy butt on sweat pants. Pumpkin, what were you thinking?    

[Armee]

I bet she will be honored to be your sponsor.

That is scary to let people know what happened to you. But also, sadly, it happens to more people than we really want to know and you won't be alone.

[CactusFlower]

Well, I have sent off the email to her about being a sponsor. We'll see how that goes. I resolve to not taking it personally if she's not at a point in her life where she feels right doing that.

Thank you, Armee. And good point about the writing thing. My BFF would be submitting some of his personal stuff which is similar, so maybe I can snag some of his courage.

LOL, Blueberry. It's difficult to keep her off any fresh warm laundry.

[sanmagic7]

best of luck w/ the sponsor thing.  it is scary to ask someone - i've had one for one of my 12-step groups, and it was very helpful, but it took courage to ask her, for sure.  i hope it goes well for you, and i second the idea of not taking it personally if they don't take on the job.  it is a commitment.  congrats for moving to this next step!  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, san, hugs back.

Did not sleep well last night. While dreams were slightly influence by the movie I watched, they were upsetting on their own. I was in a time loop no matter how I changed things (the influence part), it ended similarly. Violent explosions and  over half the time, someone would die. What's also annoying is that I barely woke up after each one, and there were five or six, so I'm exhausted.

I haven't heard back from the hopeful sponsor, but it has been a Sunday in there and I don't know what her daily life is like, so I'm not concerned. Bro's first day of the semester is today, so that'll be a few months of time to myself on Mondays and Wednesdays.  Kinda nice.
Not really much else to report, but that's okay too. Oh! The hand xrays were available in the patient portal, so I messaged my doc to let her know to download them. Just as I suspected, mild/beginning osteoarthritis. I knew it wasn't tendonitis, but they have to rule stuff out.

[CactusFlower]

Well, alas, her life is a bit too hectic to be my sponsor, but she was very flattered and is glad I'm still staying in the Saturday meeting. I am too, it's a good group of people.  If someone else comes along, I'll just take it day to day. At least I have a step study group for working as well. This coming month is Step Two, so a lot of hard thought about what Higher Power means to me.

The doc called me yesterday afternoon to discuss the hands. We're going to have me continue on an ibuprofen as needed plan for a few more weeks since it's still relatively mild osteoarthritis. I mentioned the acid reflux is back and got a new prescription for that, which bro kindly picked up for me. it's Famotidine, which is generic Pepcid. Much better for you long term. I have 90 days worth of that. I'm glad, cause acid burps and such make it hard to lay down. Hopefully this will improve things.

[CactusFlower]

I had a craving for spaghetti last night and gave in, so it was a good test of the generic pepcid.  Which seems to work quickly, I had no reflux at night. Grateful for that!

Doing step 2 work in ACA this month. I had a long talk with BFF (who's been in a similar program for 35 years) about a "Higher Power" and how/why I can define that for myself. I do like that the program is BIG on you defining it, even if you're an atheist and the group itself is your higher power. Being Pagan/Buddhist, I had to figure out what it means to give everything up to that Higher Power. It's not "everything", it's everything I can't/don't control. I already kind of did this, it just wasn't on a conscious level.

I still don't know if or when I'll have the courage to mention my Higher Power by name in meetings, even the step study group. She's been vilified in a lot of the media due to her being a "saint" over many marginalized communities. But her media portrayal is such a tiny aspect of her long history that even goes back to being based on an Aztec goddess of the underworld. She listens, she loves unconditionally as a mother should, she grants requests and protects those who need protection. She is a true "Loving Parent". And she is there at our end to embrace us. Well, I kinda rambled there, but it clarified for myself why she's my Higher Power. Sometimes you just have to verbalize it to think it through.

[Armee]

I like your higher power. That sounds like a good one and brought me a sense of safety and peace just reading what you wrote.

And hoorah for spaghetti without consequence!

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee. Feel free to message me privately if you're interested in a documentary about her, on youtube, I think...

It feels like my life is becoming fuller. With the meetings and joining a committee, family night dinners, joining this writing critique group, trying new meds and such... It's not in a bad way, but feels like I'm having more things to put in a planner. I'm still working on setting boundaries so I don't get overwhelmed, but that's not an issue yet. Thank goodness. Today was my 52nd ACA meeting. Where has the time gone? (I take Sundays off, but go every other day) One of the gals who does administrative stuff for the Saturday group is going to see about getting me a 2-month "chip" in the mail.  They're tokens/coins like AA and the other programs have.  Honestly, I like having that physical achievement marker. They're at 1 month, 2 months, 3, 6, 1 year, and up from there.

Bro is baking again now that he has a little time and it's cooling off a wee bit.  We have cinnamon coffee cake and the focaccia should be done this afternoon. His doc was happy because even though he's baking desserts, they're not processed, so his sugar is going down. LOL

Forgot to mention that my Doc also recommended some natural stuff for the osteoarthritis, like Turmeric and other anti-inflammatories. So I found some turmeric tea on Amazon and a turmeric-rich cereal. it's low in sugar, so I can snack on it too. One thing at a time, hopefully I'll find something that helps a bit.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing about your experience with fullness.