Sage's Journal

[sanmagic7]

so happy for you, CF, w/ the lovely relationships that are happening in your life.  those HP's are amazing indeed!  i'm glad both your trials are over with and went smoothly.  the vibe from you coming off the screen is light.  love and a hug filled w/ more incoming happy surprises! 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you san!  hugs back.

Several things today. So, the owner came with the landlord and some older woman. They came in, looked around briefly, she took 2 or 3 photos, then they left. It was polite, but kind of strange.  One doesn't take random couple of photos if it's a selling thing. I'm wondering now if it's something for his will or however he's "giving" the real estate to his daughter, kinda like a way to prove "yes, this really is a 2 bed 1 bath unit." Like for insurance or something? It was strange, but fast and they were polite. But whatever it is, it's not under my control, so... yeah.

We're going to the grocery store later today and finish off these gift cards I won some time ago. Since we're good on food, we're doing a shop to get stuff to donate to a local food bank that helps people who don't qualify for government things, like they maybe make a tiny bit too much for food stamps, that kind of stuff. It's kind of my way to say thanks to that Higher Power, by donating to take care of my community. That's one thing I'm glad my mom taught me, was when you have enough, then share the excess with those who need it. Since it's all non-perishable, we'll just leave it in the trunk(boot, lol) overnight since they accept donations between 9am and 1pm. That gives us something to do tomorrow morning as well.

Health wise, I've gotten some turmeric tea and started that last night for the mild arthritis in the hands. The brand is Pukka and they're an extremely ethical company, I like that. The tea itself is pretty tasty, if a little... "woodsy"? Most of what's in it is roots, but it has a kind of tree-bark earthy sense to it. I don't see any problem with 1 cup a day. I do chart all my stuff and how I feel so I can see if anything makes a difference. I took an assessment on the Pukka website as it's a lot of Ayurvedic medicine concepts. I apparently have a Vata-Kapha dosha ("type"). Most of what I've found, though, on how to put them in balance gives me conflicting advice. Like, they're opposites in how to bring them back into balance.  I'll research further. I have no problem with "alternative medicine" as American healthcare calls it. After all, an entire country/culture doesn't use something for 1000+ years if it doesn't work.

[CactusFlower]

Well. Queen Elizabeth II passed yesterday. Peacefully, they said. I do feel sorry for her family. No matter what, she was someone's mum, grandmum, etc. It remains to be seen what King Charles III will be like. If he is as long-lived as his parents, we've got about 20 years with him or so.

I'm not English, but a large part of my ancestry is in the UK. Most of it. There's a tiny bit of German and French, and some Swedish, but that's it. Mom and I had some good memories involving the Queen.  Our local PBS station back then played a lot of British TV shows, and they always had the Queen's Christmas speech.  Mom and I would watch that the next day. (This time zone is 7 hours behind London.) We also watched special stuff on TV, like her reigning anniversaries, state visits. Mom let me skip school to watch Diana's wedding to Charles. So of course, it brought up some of the grief around losing Mom.

[rainydiary]

CF, I am checking in and appreciating what you shared here.

[Armee]

Thinking of you, Sage, as you ride the grief waves for the memories of your mom.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Rainy and Armee.

It's been an odd thing to process. I was looking at a photo timeline from some news site. Charles was born the year after my mother was. He was officially made Prince of Wales the year before *I* was born. It's both odd and fascinating to see how her rule literally encompassed an entire generation. I see Andrew and Sarah are getting the corgis. I had no idea they even spoke anymore, really.

Someone on CPTSD discord server I'm on was processing today because he lived in new York and saw 9/11 happen. To think it's been 21 years since then. It made me start thinking about what significant events I've lived through, what marked time for me. The Challenger explosion when I was in High School. The fall of the Berlin Wall. The dissolution (or whatever) of the USSR. It feels like the majority of things I can think of are awful, negative events. Maybe I'll do a history dive and make a list of positive things that happened in my lifetime.

Just feeling all out of sorts. I know people use that emotions wheel to learn how to name what they feel, but what if you can't figure out what to call it to start with? It's sad, but that's not all there is. I think it's just stirred up a lot of grief and it's complicated. bleah.

[Armee]

  hugs for the complicated grief and other feelings.

On the feelings you don't know what to call it...I'm just focusing now on identifying the physical sensation. I can name most of my emotions but there's one big one that I don't know what it is, just how it feels. So I just describe how it feels to my body. (I don't know about you but using the phrase "in my___" and "on my____" is very triggering. So I'm using "to the body" even though that sounds weird. And I try to remember other situations where I feel the same way so I can start to understand it.

[rainydiary]

CF, I recently watched a talk about interoception (the person I learn from is Kelly Mahler) and she reminded me that some folks don't understand or process emotions with words.  I think you are processing in a way with events that stand out - it is weird how it is ones that seem more awful and traumatic that stick out. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, CF,

i've had problems describing or naming my emotions, or even knowing i had any for most of my life.  alexithymia is what it's called and it causes disturbance within me i can't identify, but feel out of sorts about. a forum member named this for me several years ago, and i'm forever grateful. here's a link to a site that includes the questionnaire which can help determine if this is what's affecting you if you're interested:  https://www.alexithymia.us/

i can name a few good ones in my lifetime - the civil rights for all people, the beatles, the birthing of feminism, rock 'n' roll, moon landing, first man in space, bob dylan, the hippie movement for peace and love, woodstock - it actually brought a smile to my face to remember these.  for sure, there has been a lot of negatives which have gone on in our lifetimes, but i'm glad to be able to know there were some major positives as well.  by the by, i thought a couple of things you mentioned were pos. as well.

thinking of you as you process your grief.  it's a messy time.  i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself as you go thru it.  love and a hug filled w/ hope for a better future.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee, I will see if something is happening in/to the body. Sometimes I don't seem to feel anything specifically physically, which adds to why it's hard to name the emotion.

Rainy- I'll look her up, thanks. And it probably has something to do with the negative ones having more attention on them with the news and all.

San - you *do* have some awesome ones to look at! That questionnaire showed I definitely have some issues. I'll do more reading on it.

Part of me wanted to share about this in the ACA meeting, but I found myself resistant. Other people were talking about horrible experiences, etc. My brain is all "you're feeling down because the Queen died, hardly on the same level." I know it's not a competition and that's not the point, but it's hard to get past. I think I need to just do some writing and see what comes out.

[Armee]

 

I don't think it's just that the queen died. It's grief for your mom, too.

[CactusFlower]

  thanks, Armee.  It truly is. I've been allowing myself to just go with the feelings. It's also the loss of a constant in my life, I suppose. I've been through 10 Presidents, but only knew of one Queen.

I watched the cortege procession to Westminster this morning. So solemn, so  beautiful in its own way. One horse clearly found it boring to walk so slow. And those grenadiers who transferred the coffin from the gun carriage to the podium... Gosh, they looked so young. They and the ones in Scotland the other day, I could only think of them, what a singular honor and also a terrible honor at the same time. The show had some highlights of yesterday when William, Kate, Harry, and Meghan went to visit the crowds. Kate told someone Louis told her, "Mummy, don't worry. She's with Great-Grandpa now." And there's the tears again. No family is perfect and goodness knows they've had their share of messes, but there is love in there.  Princess Anne was with her before she passed and has accompanied her throughout now. I know all too well what it's like as a daughter to love a beloved mother. I think there may also be a small part of me that's a little jealous, that she has a whole family to grieve with and rely on, which I didn't.

Maybe it's a sign of my healing process that I can sympathize and *express* that emotion for someone else. Previously, I always had difficulty understanding that connection.  Like, someone famous could die or a national tragedy could happen, but I wouldn't have cried and I didn't understand back then why someone would cry if they didn't actually know the person(s). Regardless, I'm just gonna let whatever comes do so and pass through and not judge it. This too shall pass.

[sanmagic7]

you know, CF, those meetings can be full of horror stories, but that doesn't make our own experiences any less valid or meaningful.  just like this forum.   we all have our sources of abuse on different levels but it does not negate nor belittle the effects those traumas have left behind for any of us.  your story is just as valid as anyone else's, no matter if it's from the past or present.  you are a kind and generous person and have your own personal vault of triggers and memories.  some of the worst times i've had w/ my own stuff was when i compared it to the stories of others.  sending love and a hug full of validation and support.

[CactusFlower]

thank you so much, san, hugs back to you. It can be hard sometimes to stop comparing traumas. I was able to share about my grief in my ACA meeting. It's more powerful that I imagined it would be just to be heard. It helps to know that we're not supposed to comment, agree, interrupt, whatever (it's called crosstalk) about what each person says. That our respect is just to listen. So I shared, and it felt good when they said "You were heard." Like, that was truly enough.

Did a day road trip with my BFF to a lovely part of my state. So many pretty pictures! We had dinner on the way back and I finally got to try tacos birria. (marinated meat and the juice for dipping them) Wow, utterly delicious, no wonder people love them. So it was a good day, and we even worked out the bones of a new short story.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you had a good day, CF.  it's so wonderful to get one of those every so often.  yay!  love and hugs