Sage's Journal

[Armee]

Oh Sage. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the comparing traumas mind. I know I do it to myself but it's hard to hear others who have gone through so much do it too. Its sad. I know it's protective to us...to feel that it wasn't that bad...or not as bad as someone else's trauma. It's heartbreaking though to see it happen...the comparing and minimizing....from someone who is so kind and who went through so much. I'm glad you were able to share and be heard. It seems really important since so much of what abuse survivors go through is silenced by perpetrators and society and brushed under the rug.

You have been super brave and inspiring to me personally how much you are putting yourself out there right now. 

[rainydiary]

CF, I'm glad you were given space to share and had a memorable day. 

[Hope67]

So I shared, and it felt good when they said "You were heard." Like, that was truly enough.

Hi CactusFlower, that is great.  It sounds very powerful and meaningful.



Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san, armee, rainy, and hope. Grouphug right back atcha! 

Not doing much at the moment, just chilling. oh, baking successes! Bro found a recipe for basic piroshki dough and we had one of those pre-made tubs of bbq pork, so tasty piroshkies were made. They freeze well, too. next time, I'll make a cheesy ground beef/onion filling. He went to the store yesterday, so I have the stuff to make a big pot of beef stew tomorrow. it just sounded good all of a sudden. Guess the weather's changing even though we have the fans on. That's how I know, by what foods I crave.

One nightmare about scorpions, strangely, but I was able to calm myself pretty quickly and fall back asleep.I think the turmeric tea might be helping, the hands weren't as achy the past couple days. Just mostly in the morning and while doing dishes. My T and I talked about goals and I'm going to try cooking a little bit more instead of eating convenient junk, now that the weather is getting a little cooler. It's 88 today, but at least it's not 93, ha ha. My T was glad to hear about the road trip and getting out of the house. Really, most of my goals are just to keep from getting worse since "better" is kinda relative, but I'll take what little successes I can.

The writing critique group went really well. Not only did they have excellent suggestions that will improve my actual writing, they felt my being able to write about my abuse was very powerful and they agreed he was a monster. That felt very validating and I feel kinda safer about submitting some of the other chapters in the future. So all in all, good connections with good people. That always helps.

[CactusFlower]

Beef stew was made. It was so good, the BFF asked for second leftovers, LOL. Just been working on the Compassionate discord Server. I did edit the two pieces from the critique group and the changes definitely improved them. I'll have to make similar changes on the other bits, but I'm not submitting next week.

Met with meds doc yesterday, she was cool with continuing with no changes. I still have 3 refills on everything, so I'm good for a while. The patient portal that the counseling center installed has a secure meeting space, but it's crappy software.  My meds doc ends up just calling my phone, and my T continues to use zoom because the portal meeting thingy is so laggy and freezes. They really should have tested that more before deciding, lol.

Other than that, not much going on. I'll take the down time while I have it. I did have a big craving for Taco Bell yesterday for some reason. LOL I resisted.

[CactusFlower]

Had an intense, but good, experience yesterday in my Saturday ACA meeting. (a women, trans women, and nonbinary people only group) The focused reading was actually a short meditation on the experiencing of shame in the body. We did a body scan, then thought in detail of an experience that felt embarrassing/shaming. We then located where that actually existed in our physical selves. Then we surrounded it with kindness. (it's from "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook", if anyone's interested.) Mine was... like I said, intense.
TW: vague mention of CSA
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I chose the experience of going to Costco (warehouse buy in bulk kinda store) and being horribly sweaty because no air flow in the place and the feeling of being stared at and judge for being fat and sweaty. It turned out that feeling was lodged very much against my diaphragm. (which I found interesting, considering my acid reflux issue lately) I accepted it, allowed it to be, and surrounded it with kindness.

It then changed to my youngest Inner Child. She was trying to hide and was saying she's icky and disgusting. In my mind's eye, I squatted down before her (she's 3 or 4) and told her she is NOT disgusting or icky or gross and I love her. She asked, "Even with yucky stuff?" She held out her hands that were covered in dirt/mud. I gently took her hand and pulled her in for a hug. "Yes, even then. I love you and want to hold you no matter what."

So, needless to say, I cried a bit. She felt a little better at the end of the meditation. I'll work further with her on this and I think the ol' brain is nearing another memory I can guess at. But the important part is that I told her I love her and she's not gross. I shared in meeting about it afterwards and that felt good too. I'm grateful for these groups I found that create a truly safe space to be in.

[Papa Coco]

Cactusflower

Thank you for sharing this experience in your journal. It sounds like it's a therapeutic experience to do this. Good to hear that you were able to make such strong contact with your smaller self.

I have been preparing to start getting in touch with my different parts, and this post is good encouragement for me to take it seriously.  I have a book coming in the mail tomorrow or Tuesday that will help me do this.

I have experienced that spiritual and meditative experiences are exponentially increased in power when done with a like-minded group of people. Sounds like your group really had a great meditative session.

[Armee]

Oh Sage that's such a beautiful experience you gave yourself and the little one in there. I also share your experience with that feeling in crowded or hot spaces. I really appreciate you sharing because then I can think about how you worked with the part of you that felt that way and try something more healthy when that feeling strikes me.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
So lovely to hear how you comforted your youngest  inner child - I appreciated you sharing that - it sounds like a very special experience and precious.



Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Busy next few days coming up, but in a good way.  Tonight, I'm watching a writer's group meeting and taking notes for my BFF since he can't attend. Friday, we've got flu vaccine shots in the morning, then I'm watching a movie with the BFF at noon at his place. Saturday is the writing critique group before the ACA meeting, and Sunday is laundry. I have a feeling all my afternoons will be recuperating. But some of it is necessary.

Bro and I are going to do the "one appropriately themed TV show or movie" per day for October, aka Halloween month. LOL. it was fun last year. BFF will join in this year, so that adds whatever's on HBO as an option cause he has that subscription. Disney+ will have some cute things and about half of the list is comedies. Friday is like an appetizer, so we'll watch "Warm Bodies". it's a cutesy teen rom-com, just the boyfriend is a zombie.  I've read the short story. So, yeah, hashtagHalloweenSeason, LOL.

Edit: I also signed into my paypal and found I had a nice bit of balance on that. So I ordered the actual physical books for ACA stuff. media mail, so they'll be slow, but yay, my own copies!  Still have a little left in there, too.

[sanmagic7]

CF, i think it's so great that you found this group and it's been so kind, caring, and validating for you.  that's just wonderful!  and so cool you're  enjoying making food that's healthier and more delicious than junk food.  i still like my junk fix now and again, but i'm also finding homemade food to be more satisfying to my soul.  keep up the good work - as you're learning, your work in the kitchen is being appreciated in a big way.  love and hugs, my dear

[Armee]

 

I just am so enamored by the family you've made. Be proud of that. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san, armee.  back atcha.

Yep, chosen family can make all the difference.  BFF and I went and got banh mi (vietnamese sandwiches) and ate, then watched the movie. It was a very cute one, very true to the short story it's based on.

Apparently, I was blessed that the ACA book fulfillment center is only 2 states away, as I got my books yesterday! I'm kinda old school, I really like the physicality of them. Not to mention the workbooks were in PDF, so I couldn't do anything with those versions unless I'd wasted paper printing them. Now I have the real ones and can write in them. And we did a reading in the Loving Parent Guidebook in meeting today, so it was meant to be that I got them so quickly. Thank you, Higher Power. I shared a little about how I was grateful the guidebook explains how you can have multiple Inner Children. I do, and I think when people hear about Inner Child work superficially, they don't know that. But seeing it in print kinda justifies it a little, that I'm not crazy for having 4 total.

Bro made chocolate muffins today. The recipe was not right somehow. Good taste, super crumbly and just... meh. Oh well, now he knows. They're edible, just messy as heck, LOL. Well, gotta go. Today's offering to watch is last year's Simpson's Treehouse of Horror. (their Halloween episodes, last year is the most recent stuff on Disney+) Fun!

Writing critique group went well. I need to decide which chapters I'll be submitting for review next time.

[Armee]

You're definitely not crazy for having 4 inner children, or for any other reason. 

Wow Sage! The writing group sounds like it's really going well and like you must have gotten a ton of writing done since you have to decide which chapters plural to share!!!! Way to go!

[CactusFlower]

Yesterday's offering to watch was Nightmare Before Christmas. I'd never seen it all the way through. Kinda cute. I was amused how Tim Burton has these favorite actors he works with over and over. And I love musicals, so... yeah. Dunno what today's show will be yet. I did some writing in the Steps workbook for ACA. Some of the questions are easy,some not. I think I'll journal separately since there's only room for a few sentences each in the book.

Did laundry today. My usual exhaustion from that, but at least the cat's happy next to the warm bag of things I haven't put away yet, LOL. it's a bit chillier today in the low 60s, but it's also pleasant in a way. Good napping weather. I feel antsy, but sleepy at the same time.  Sometimes I think the being antsy is the inner children being frustrated that I can't do things physically like I used to, like go for long walks or whatever. Unfortunately, that's the reality these days.