Sage's Journal

Started by CactusFlower, February 02, 2021, 04:55:44 PM

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sanmagic7

yep, CF, i get it about today's reality compared to a reality in the past, especially in not being able to do (or think, in my case) the way it once was.  it's what we've got, tho, even if it sucks sometimes.  hearing you loud and clear.

so cool you got your books sooner rather than later, and that you've been able to begin working w/ them.  and i'm very excited for you to have to make decisions about which chapters to put up for review in your writing adventure.  absolutely wonderful!  what's also wonderful is how you keep going, doing new things, expanding your horizon and perspective even while some physical things might make it more difficult.  keep at it, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

CactusFlower

Well, this whole week's highs will be in the low 60's. It remains to be seen if it'll go back up after next Tuesday or if fall finally hit. Honestly, I'm ok with fall finally coming in. I have comfy sweats and I like switching out the seasonal clothes.

Probably going out tonight with BFF and his sister for dinner. She's pretty cool and quite funny when she visits.

I need to get bro to help me by holding those skeins of yarn so I can use the ball winder. I think I'm going to end up making a shawl and just need to find a decent pattern. I've had this one poking at my brain lately: http://www.kristinescrochets.com/2022/04/spring-reverie-triangle-shawl-crochet.html  It's actually quite easy, but looks really nice. I'm leaning towards using the yellow at the start (the edge on your shoulders is the top) rather than at the point just to keep it cleaner. I also have a skein of earthy-grey malabrigo that I might insert as stripes to offset the other colors. That's another nice thing about cool weather, crocheting is comfy.

Other than that, just continuing. Feeling a little down today, but that could be cause it's so cloudy. It's lunchtime, and the light feels like 4:30. Oh well, we need the moisture.

Armee

I hope your feeling of down-ness has something useful and then quietly slips away. Love the shawl. 💛

I'm working on this one right now. https://www.purlsoho.com/create/2021/04/27/isa-catepillan-for-purl-soho-cielito-lindo-wrap/

I'm trying to learn to knit too. These things are what I can do when I don't feel up to anything.

CactusFlower

Thank you, armee. And that's a beautiful pattern!

I think the cooler weather is making me want winter comfort foods. Bro is going to the store, so I'll have him get stuff to make a big pot of chili. It's always better as leftovers and freezes well if we need to.

Strange dreams lately. Mainly themes of places with multiple rooms and trying to find something or someone.  Not sure what to make of that. I'm also journaling regarding Step 1 in my ACA workbook.  Lots of deep stuff there working its way up.

CactusFlower

The chili was awesome and bro made me some cranberry almond bread. Delicious.

Yesterday's movie in this Halloween season was Grave Encounters.  It had a few icky parts and jump scares, but suprisingly wasn't terrible. It was a found footage farce (in my opinion) of a lots of ghost hunter shows, to the point that I found it amusing to know who they were making fun of. It also literally hit the beats of nearly every modern horror trope. Don't watch it if you didn't like Paranormal Activity. I made it a game to predict what would happen next. Bro hates this kind of scary. I prefer it far more than movies that just "gross you out". We won't be watching the sequel, as the ratings are abysmal.

unrelated note: I know my meds help me. But I so hate taking pills. I just- I guess I have to examine why. The intellectual part of me knows that biology means medications bring things back to manageable, that lift the baseline a little. But the programmed part of me says that while they're fine for other people, having to take meds means I failed at something. It's so hard to reconcile those two views. Fortunately, I understand the science and that says "take the medication to fix the brain". After all, I'd take insulin if I was diabetic, or blood pressure meds if I needed it. These aren't any different just because they affect the brain. It's hard not to see the bottles and feel broken, though.

Armee

 :grouphug:

I know. I have a hard time with medication, too, Sage. Bad things happened to you and medicine is needed to manage the effects. That's not a failure on your part. If you get run over by a car it's not your fault if your leg breaks and you need pain medicine. I know you know this logically. I know it sucks. I can't take medicine I don't. I'm a big old hypocrite.  :wave:

sanmagic7

hey, CF, pills have been an adversary of mine as well, for many years, and i know why it was so difficult to take them - head straight back to my F.  we rarely went to the doc when we were kids, meds weren't discussed, but the feeling i got was one of weakness if someone relied on a medical professional.  we used home remedies for things such as ear infections, stuff like that.  i can see how meds could make one feel like a failure, or in my case, weak (which is a type of failing to have enough self- will/self-discipline).  getting or using help just wasn't on the menu of my life.

nowadays, i'm able to be more pragmatic about meds - they have helped keep me mostly sane and able to manage living from day to day.  i know you can see that for yourself on a logical level - i just hope you can find the root of feeling like you've failed (failed at what? - just a thought) so you can find some peace of mind about doing what's best for you and your life re: meds.  love and a hug full of acceptance. :hug:


rainydiary

I appreciate your reflection on medication - our culture isn't very supportive of medication and often shows use of medications in a really shameful, negative way.  I hope that you find ways to feel ease with yourself for taking those things that support you.  I hope you also continue to enjoy the seasonal movies.

CactusFlower

Thank you, san and rainy. I'm sure the failure sense comes from my abuser as well. He was the kind of guy who wouldn't go to a doctor unless he was dying. I'm sure you know the type.

Today is the fall switch when the swamp coolers get drained and turned off and the heaters turned on and tested. (natural gas heating) Seems like everything is okay, they're just slow. Gave the landlord a chocolate muffin, LOL. He likes them.

Yesterday's movie was Morbius. Not sure why people panned it so badly. Yes, it's a vampire. It's Marvel, so it's taken off a comic book, not classical vampire lit. Honestly, I thought it was pretty decent. Matt Smith clearly had fun with his character, and being Marvel, there was mid-and-end credits scenes that set up other possibilities. Not gross at all and pretty awesome CGI of their faces and stuff. Not scary, in my opinion and it is only PG-13. Tonight we're doing a little Marvel catch-up as we haven't seen the second Venom movie yet. And Morbius has a tie-in moment, FYI.

Unfortunately, I woke up exhausted due to a nightmare last night. I won't go into detail, but there was shock and grief. I hate waking up panting and tired. And I just discussed with my T yesterday that the Prazosin reduced the number of nightmares.

Armee

Aw your brain gave you a big $%@# you for saying the medicine worked! I'm sorry you had such a distressing nightmare. The hangover is so hard to shake.  :grouphug:

Giving the landlord chocolate muffins is a fantastic move.  :thumbup:

Enjoy those movies. I cannot do even mild scary movies. Like Jumanji was stressful to me. Hats off to you and your Halloween marathon!

sanmagic7

QuoteAw your brain gave you a big $%@# you for saying the medicine worked! I'm sorry you had such a distressing nightmare. The hangover is so hard to shake.  :grouphug:
ditto that! 

CF, so glad you enjoyed the movie.  sounds like a fun tradition.  my D and i watch Christmas rom-coms beginning dec. 1.  very fun!

keep taking care of you, ok?  i think you're doing a really good job of it.  love and hugs :hug:

CactusFlower

No more nightmares, but my dreams lately have involved places with lots of rooms/areas and searching through those. Curious as to what that brings up.

Writing critique group went well, I gave them two other chapters/memories this time. Part of me gloats internally to have other people say what a cruel bully he was to young me. It feels like vindication in remembering accurately. It's also helping the writing a lot because they can point out where I might have glossed over or left something out. I may have done so because either I didn't see it, or was so close to the story I didn't think to say it. It's also giving me more and more confidence to write more. BFF pointed out something I didn't even think about. A comment from my NP had stifled my creativity for 40+ years, but now I'm actually USING that creativity as a tool for healing. Kinda like a big f u to him. I like that, I'll have to remember that.

Really tired from a grocery run today, but I got things to make several casseroles I know I can stand leftovers from. I need more veggies. I have enough points in a cool website I use called mypoints dot com to get a $50 gift card to amazon.  I think I'm going to do that, and get one of those things that have a mandoline slicer and a "press down to get diced veggies" with a container underneath.  That should save enough time I don't get overtired at the prep work. Just press half an onion and it's diced. Then I can use the rest later to get bro something for Xmas. We keep it small as neither of us are big on holidays much. There are some baking pans he wants that would be good.

Weather's supposed to cool off and bring rain tomorrow. I'm good with that.

Armee

Oh the veggie prep tools are a GREAT idea!

I'm glad you are writing, Sage. You have a lot to say and things that will be healing to you to write but also healing for others to read. Keep going!!

sanmagic7

lovelovelove what BFF pointed out to you about your creativity, CF.  what wonderful insight.

dreams always fascinate me.  i hope you discover what yours might be telling you.  keep taking care - your veggie ideas sound great!  love and hugs :hug:

CactusFlower

Thank you, san and armee. Hugs back!

Last night's dream was rather odd.  It started off with Mom and I on vacation and looking at the place we were renting for the week. For some reason, it not only had quite a few rooms, but a lot of them were vaguely spa-oriented.  Like on with a rainfall shower, another with a tiled area with Jacuzzi tub, one downstairs that could be used for mud baths... no attendants, but we could use whatever we wanted. Then the dream somehow changed to my using a kind of magic to run the place. The magic itself kinda looked like this true green glowing energy with a gold sheen on it, and it sort of "oozed" over things I touched. Then it started raining in the dream and I woke up.  It was a thunderstorm last night, so I know that influenced it.  But the spa house was just fascinating. I remember thinking I wanted to remember it when I woke up.

I need to arrange the pantry from the shopping we did yesterday and figure out what casserole I want to start with. I apparently forgot a couple things, so Bro will need to stop by the store on his way home from class tomorrow. LOL oh well.