Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

So, having worked in healthcare for many years, been raised on Monty Python and Dr. Who (thanks to USA public tv), and all my trauma, I have a rather unusual and dark sense of humor. I'm in several Facebook groups that provide similarly humorous things, including one for fans of the Welcome to Nightvale podcast.  Someone posted this there this morning. I know it's supposed to be dark humor, but it actually really spoke to me. author unknown, please let me know if you know for credit.

One day, your skull will be as empty as a conch shell on a fence post,
full of wind and gentle quiet.
Today, it's a cauldron of ghosts.
Flesh and electricity.
Water and memory.
A machine that makes reality.
Now. Here. Your skull is the garden where fact flowers into meaning.


Wow. Just... Shivers. A cauldron full of ghosts is an excellent description. And like a garden, new things can be planted and weeds can be uprooted. Water and memory are fluid. I create my reality. I mean, seriously, shivers. I have to write this in my paper journal because this is SPEAKS to me. I might even share this with my therapist.

[rainydiary]

I find it so cool to come across wording that strikes us so.  I appreciate you sharing as it includes some really interesting descriptions. 

[Jazzy]

That's very powerful, thank you for sharing! 

I feel a lot of emotion reading that poem too. I can see how it may be considered dark, but I see it as more realistic, and even that statement about finality seems positive "gentle quiet".

  if it is positive for you.

[CactusFlower]

Trigger Warning: animal in distress, vomit







Well, yesterday was utter crud. I was on the phone to my doctor's office and I think she thought I was blowing her off, when I actually had to get off the phone RIGHT THEN. The foot of my bed is about 10 inches or so from some rubbermaid storage containers that are in a corner and have blankets on top so the cats can see out of the corner two windows there. Pumpkin, my chubby tortoiseshell was chilling in the window. There are blankets between the bed and the containers. She started to have a hairball, and upchuck a little. However, she kinda seized up and rolled over. (She's weird, she does that if she barfs too hard) The problem was, she was still hairballing and landed on her back on the comfy blankets between. I barely heard the lady as I said goodbye, threw my phone down and uprighted her.  My poor sweet baby! I took care of her, she's fine and I cleaned up, and she just laid on her pillow for a few hours until she felt better. This was all in the morning. I also definitely made my knee ache with how fast I got her to the floor and not the carpet... sigh. Cats.

However, I didn't fall asleep until almost 1am and I have a * of a headache this morning because I apparently clenched my jaw while I slept. All I could see was her upside down, clearly terrified because she was barfing and couldn't move. I kept crying during the day because honestly, if I hadn't been home and in the same room, she'd have choked to death. I love this fuzzball so much, she's family, my baby girl. I'm trying to decide if I should email my therapist and tell her, cause it's bothering me so much.  The thought of her getting hurt... Now I'm agonizing if I should take everything comfortable off their window seat just in case, but then they wouldn't use it... My mind is going 90 miles a minute. Yeah, I think I will email her. This is bringing up a lot of crud. Unfortunately, Pumpkin isn't really a cuddler, so snuggling her isn't going to help either of us, LOL.

[Jazzy]

Sage, this sounds so difficult!

I would be absolutely beside myself in your situation. It's no wonder at all you were so upset. While it isn't nice that this was triggering for you, it is great that you love Pumpkin so much and take such good care of her.

I hope you are both find some peace soon. I'm sure Pumpkin was very upset too.

Would it be possible to ask a vet, or some other type of animal care specialist if there is anything that may help with the seizing and rolling? I have no idea what to do, but hopefully something can be done. You are on the right track wanting to prevent this from becoming a fatal problem. Hopefully someone else has another idea besides removing the blankets.

I'm glad Pumpkin is okay now. I hope you are too. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Jazzy, for the hug. Yeah, my cats are my babies. If she seizes up again, I'll probably look for a vet. It's kind of hard since I'm unemployed and on a super tight budget, but I would eat ramen for a while if it meant helping my furkids. She's fine now. Fortunately, the food I have them on (rachel ray's nutrish) really keeps the hairball incidents down. For being shorthaired cats, they shed a heck of a lot. She's fine now and was even pestering me last night to play at 11pm, ha ha. I get why people have emotional support animals. My cats, every one I've ever had, know when I feel bad and are attentive and loving unconditionally. There are days I'd stay in bed all day if I didn't have them to take care of. They can make me smile when nothing else can.

I often joke that when I'm reincarnated, I wouldn't terribly mind coming back as a loved and spoiled cat, cause that's the life, LOL.

[CactusFlower]

All that previous stuff made me think about a quality I have and if it's a good thing or not.

I've always kinda prided myself on the fact that, in a true emergency, I'm the take charge and get stuff done type. Like, to a commanding bossy point I never reach in everyday life. Washer overflowing? I grabbed towels, shut off water, yelled at ex to get all of his towels, run the fans after sopping it up, etc. See someone hurt? I'm the first to assign people to go get things, do this while I assess, tell someone to call an ambulance, whatever. Even something boiling over on stove? Tell brother to get me paper towels while I turn it off. I take care of whatever needs doing.

I don't react or break down until it's all over. Now that I'm going through all this I can see through the filters. Yes, I get stuff done. But boy howdy does that show how well and how rapidly I can compartmentalize and shut things off. I think it also shows how little I trust anyone else to step in and take charge, to take care of things, or even how little I trust them to know what they're doing when they're needed. Yet in normal everyday life, I am a serious conflict avoider, go with the flow, fawn type. I'm the last person to describe myself as, and am shocked when other people describe me as, any kind of leader. The very rare times I've taken charge in a non-emergency situation were when I was event planning. (no, I don't have the spoons to do that anymore, unfortunately.)

Once the emergency is all over, that's when I need to find somewhere away from people, somewhere quiet, and sit and shake and sweat. I know some of that is adrenaline letdown, but still... No crying, no upset, nothing but efficiency until it's over. Then I can go curl into a ball for several hours. Now that I look at this ability, part of me is still "it's a good thing to be able to function in a crisis"... but I can see the cost of what it took to do that and the wreck I am after. And maybe it isn't always a good thing. Lots to think about.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad you were there to be a support for another person.  I can relate to this way of being too and the toll it takes.  For me personally, I live with such anxiety and hypervigilance that it's almost like I'm in training for crisis.  But when the crisis is "over" I'm still the person needing love and care and tenderness and understanding I didn't receive when I needed it and am still not going to find from being a go-to.  I hope that you find some ease.  I am so grateful you are in the world to help me learn and feel less alone. 

[Armadillo]

 

It's a helpful trait, but you're right, one with costs.

I'm glad your kitty is feeling better.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, that's a tough one.

I think it's good to be able to do that in an emergency. Things can get very bad, very quickly, if no one acts fast. It does come at a cost though, for sure. I think it's important to take extra time and have lots of support to help deal with the after affects.

Emergencies should only happen rarely, though. Like Rainydiary says, CPTSD is like training for a crisis. We're always dealing with emergencies... and I think that part is dangerous and hurtful.

I wish none of us had that training, but hopefully we can put it to good use when it is most needed.

--

I'm glad Pumpkin is feeling better now, and it sounds like you are too! You and your cats have a wonderful relationship, which is very encouraging to read. It's great that you take such good care of them. My cat, Tiger is sitting beside me right now on her own office chair. They're my babies too!

I can't help but wonder if people were a little more sensitive and kind, we trauma survivors wouldn't have such a hard time with them. I'm glad we have our pets though. Even if they're not registered therapy animals, I certainly find them therapeutic.

You're right, they do shed a lot. I wonder if a few extra brushes would help with the furballs. I'm sure you brush them enough, but maybe a bit extra would be helpful in her case.

[CactusFlower]

TW: upper female medical procedure, went well










Had my mammogram this morning. I dreaded it, not because of hurt (they don't hurt me, I have a LOT of padding), just in general. it went super well, very very nice people. It's been a few years because I put them off. I know I shouldn't, but I just... Shrug. I don't like them, even though it's never a bad experience. I guess it's because it's just one more thing to think about and get done. Oh well, it's over with. They should read it tomorrow, get the results to my doc, and I get a letter. At least they were very explanatory. I even received a text later asking about "how'd we do" kind of survey. That's cool. After, we grabbed food at the Kolache Factory for lunch and came home.

The more concerning thing, I think is my anxiety on the roads. I'm a passenger. I don't drive, my bro is my transportation. I've never driven. I had driver's ed in high school which included a closed course then two days on the road and that's it, but I've never even gotten my license. Obviously, never owned a car either. I have been in several minor-ish accidents in my life and 99% of them have been on my side of the car.  But the older I get, the more I get anxious in cars. I was really trying to tone it down this morning, but It felt like everyone was coming out of nowhere or trying to cut us off, whatever. So I'm the kind of passenger that inhales sharply, braces, moves a hand or foot, etc. I know that can be aggravating to a driver, but my bro is totally understanding. I utterly hate when we're on the highway and a semi is next to us. I don't know if it's because this is a busy week for me and I'm just ramped up in general or what, but it was even annoying me this morning. I was better coming home, so the appointment dread probably fed into it a little. Just ugh.

Random thought: There's been a terrible heatwave in my corner of the country. It's never (according to locals) hit in the 100's in June here before and we've had over a week of 100-104 F. I'm sure that makes everyone out driving a little crankier. Although I completely understand siesta now, cause I've had to nap in late afternoon to deal with the heat. Yuck.

[Armadillo]

Good job getting that mammogram done! I hate them! Done for at least a year so good for you!!!

I'm sorry driving was so uncomfortable and scary yesterday.

I think I'm getting people confused....are you the one whose brother is moving away? If so, I'm so sorry. It sounds like he is really good emotional and practical support for you.

[CactusFlower]

LOL no, my bro is here to stay.

[Armadillo]

 

[CactusFlower]

So glad that week is over. My BFF is back from his vacay a little early and we went out to dinner last night, that was super nice. Friday Morning, I had bloodwork at the lab, but they were all super nice, very good at it, and I was only the 4th one there when they opened so I got in and out really fast. We watered my BFF's plants one last time and noted he has an anthill he needs to get rid of before they each the house. It feels good to have someone who trusts me so much.

I had some frustration with the new printer today, though. I spent all morning trying to get it set up, the wireless network won't see it. The solution for that is to do the setup with a printer USB cable. Oh gee, guess what's not included in your purchase? Greedy lazy jerks. So I have to wait until that gets here Weds. to finish setting it up. Plus, I wasn't paying attention to the other cat, Varric, so he decided to be a little hellion to the point that I shut him out of the room for a couple hours. Argh. My hair's already grown out a bit, so I'm about to let my bro buzz it back down using the 12mm edge this time. It's so much easier to take care of, especially in the heat wave. My bloodwork was in pretty quickly and I could see the results in the patient portal. As I expected, my cholesterol and sugar are high, but at a level that's most likely fixable just with some dietary changes. At least I actually like salad. LOL I'm trying some low-fat yogurt/granola combo on nights it's just too hot to eat anything cooked. I also decided to revamp my old blog I haven't written anything on in a couple years and maybe not only talk about my issues and healing, but review things I try (tangible and processes) to make life easier. When I get that running again, I'll share it.