Sage's Journal

Started by CactusFlower, February 02, 2021, 04:55:44 PM

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CactusFlower

Hugs, Armee, thank you.

Chatted with the Psych this morning, so meds are renewed and being filled right away. Tomorrow is a trip to Costco (large warehouse store like Sam's Club, just not owned by walmart, lol) with the BFF for paper goods and lunch, then renewing library card. it's weird to me that they have an expiration date here. So later today will be a hair buzz and shower. Yesterday was laundry and trash, so I expect Tomorrow afternoon to be a total energy crash. Stuff gotta get done. LOL I still have leftover soup and frozen stuff, so at least that's low spoons to make.

It snowed a little yesterday, but didn't stick. I don't mind, but we do need moisture eventually. Eh.  I'm staying warm, so it's ok.

CactusFlower

Bro got denied for disability. I know the lawyer will appeal, this is normal in the US, but it's sending me into a fear spiral about my case. Having to ground myself and it's not working well. I highly doubt I'm gonna sleep much tonight. Just... Argh.

rainydiary

I'm sorry about the lack of support in receiving disability.  I hope that you have moments of rest.

Armee

Even if appeals get approved its really unconscionable that they put people through so much and drag out the process so long.  :blowup:

sanmagic7

 :yeahthat:  waiting for these things is brutal at best.  best to you both.  love and hugs :hug:

CactusFlower

Thank you, rainy, armee, and san.  :grouphug:

I'm a little better today. I did have an anxiety attack while thinking about my own case. Once I was finally grounded, I could breathe, but did have nightmares I won't describe here. The next day was the errands with BFF. Library card is renewed for the next 3 years. Paper goods have been obtained, and I had a lovely lunch with leftovers for today. I am extremely tired and very hurty/achy, but the company helped. I have to not think about it too hard at the moment or I'll dissociate, but I can distract myself mostly. It'll get better eventually.

Not Alone

I agree with Armee.

:applause: to you for all the things you are accomplishing and for working on staying/getting grounded.

Armee

#817
Aw Sage. Gentle hugs, or just a warm blankie if that's better right now.

I'd be super anxious too. It's not fair to put you through this. Both the financial uncertainty and dredging up the wounds that necessitate disability and then feeling like you might have to further describe the trauma to prove you need disability.

I'm not sure if that is actually part of the process, but even if not I know I at least catastrophize even the most routine medical appointments thinking all sorts of terrible things will need to be discussed about my past or mental health. They never do, but I still get myself very worked up each time. Just a long way of saying I'd be feeling anxious too for lots of reasons and it must really be difficult. AND I think you are managing remarkably well.

I'm sorry you had terrible nightmares last night. I'll be wishing you a peaceful day and night with as little physical and mental pain as possible. And good food.

CactusFlower

Well, good news. Lawyer told bro of course they'll appeal. He didn't say before the hearing so as not to influence bro's actions, but this judge is known for denying on the flimsiest of things and getting his decisions overturned.  So that gave both of us a big sigh of relief. Thank you, notalone and armee, for your support. Hugs are always welcomed virtually.

We had a nice family dinner last night. I am grateful to my crockpot for being able to cook when I have low energy, lol. Therapy went well today and I'm tracking my mood and energy closer for a while to see if it matches up with nightmares. Other than that, just plugging along.

CactusFlower

Just continuing to track everything. Felt a little productive today and got a few dishes washed. Had to rest, of course, but there they are. Alas, my air fryer has died after 6 or so years of service. Preheating gave off a nasty hot plastic smell. :(  I put an ask out on the Buy Nothing group. You never know, someone might have upgraded or upsized for Xmas and has one they could give away.  Fingers crossed, I do like using them.

Armee

I hope the tracking helps clarify things a bit. When you think that nightmares are considered a form of reexperiencing trauma, just like flashbacks, it makes sense they can be so disruptive.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed from bro and you on disability. It's still terrible the judge does that. People who need to be on disability don't need extra delays and obstacles.

sanmagic7

fingers crossed w/ you, CF.  congrats on getting your dishes done - that's always a big chore for me.  love and hugs :hug:

rainydiary

I am sorry that a well worn appliance stopped worked and I hope you find a replacement quickly.  I too hope the tracking is supportive. 

Hope67

Hi Sage,
I am late in sending my sincere support for your situation with the courts and the judge, and hope that the outcome will be a positive one, and I wanted to send you a hug of support  :hug: 

I also hope that you are able to get another air fryer from somewhere - because it sounds like you really liked using the other one, and it's a pity that it's not working anymore.  I've never used one - but I know how much you enjoy cooking, and I must say I love hearing about the things you have prepared and eaten, they always sound really lovely.

Hope  :)

CactusFlower

Thank you so much, armee, san, rainy and hope.   :grouphug:

I do have a request out in case someone has an air fryer. I'm turning that request over to the Universe and letting go of control. LOL can you tell that's the next program Step?  Yeah, that's harder than it looks. I'm also turning over the disability worry.  I won't even get a court date notice until mid-spring, so worrying now isn't healthy. I choose healthy.

My dream last night was odd, but positive? I dreamed I took leftover butter chicken and naan to work for lunch. Then, some company dropped all these big pallets of snacks and my company could go pick anything we wanted, free. I noticed a bunch of Indian snacks I didn't recognize, so I asked an Indian coworker if she would help me pick something that would go with the lunch I brought. She laughed at the coincidence and said yes.  So I guess I was able to ask for help and get it in a dream. I'm choosing to see that as a positive for my brain to process.

I was quite exhausted and achy yesterday. I managed to get a shower in the am, then we had a grocery pickup in the afternoon. That was a little stress, too, because several things were substituted. If I order X number of donuts, though, I fail to see why MINI donuts in the same amount were an acceptable replacement. Oh well, LOL.  We had some fresh pasta mozzarella ravioli last night with alfredo sauce.  I added cooked bacon to mine to make it carbonara. Yum. I like fresh pasta, but I'm not as good at guessing amounts as I am with dried pasta because it puffs up more while cooking. I was all "oh yeah, this'll feed two hungry people", then as the ravioli cooked, I was all "Woah.... it pillowed..." Haha. tasty though. Bro has to eat it, though, because I really hate leftover pasta. it's just.... not the good texture anymore.

Dissociated yesterday evening, too. I was looking at my info timeline and there was an article on child abuse. Lost about 20 minutes on that one before I "blinked back in".  Ugh. Also figure I'm dissociating more than I thought. I had a stereotypical concept of what that looked like and was reading about the dissociation spectrum. A lot of my lost time and weird thoughts are apparently classical dissociation and even derealization. I guess at least there's a name for "oh, I'm not just weird?".  Now I'm tired after writing and thinking about all this. I may try to nap after my meeting.