Sage's Journal

Hope67 · February 09, 2023, 03:32:05 PM

Hi Sage,
That's exciting that you're finding out the information you want - and I hope that it is helpful and doesn't take too long.

Hope

Armee · February 09, 2023, 06:16:27 PM

It truly is ok if you are "wrong" about this. It's a really confusing spectrum between CPTSD dissociation all the way to DID level dissociation especially with the change in name from multiple personality to dissociative identity disorder to reflect the less "florid" cases of personality change. Either way you'll probably learn something helpful. Good job being brave.

CactusFlower · February 10, 2023, 04:22:06 PM

Well, I may have to make calls, as no emails were responded to. I'm not in a hurry, but 4 or 5 days is more than enough time to respond. I dunno. Just been generally down lately. At least dreams last night were kinda positive in theme. I'm still here, just feeling blah.

Armee · February 10, 2023, 06:12:43 PM

Sigh. That's really a bit frustrating that none responded yet. Phone calls can be hard.

Sending some virtual warm tea to carry you through this stretch of feeling down. Perhaps partly its a way for your body to protect its energy supply. FM sounds so exhausting.

CactusFlower · February 12, 2023, 04:52:08 PM

Thank you, armee. I have had multiple mugs of tea lately, LOL. Gonna go with the BFF to a storytelling thing at a coffeehouse today. I hope it's relatively comfortable. At least I am getting out of the house about once a week, so that goal is going okay, gentle hugs to everyone.

rainydiary · February 13, 2023, 05:21:24 AM

I enjoy storytelling and hope the event was just right.

CactusFlower · February 13, 2023, 05:20:44 PM

Thanks, Rainy! It was very nice and the coffeehouse has some delightfully comfy couches were I planted myself and my mocha. People's stories were amazing. There was some guy whose dumb luck had him escaping death (as in he was 20 and reckless back then) several times, one who was on a school trip to Germany when the wall fell, and one person who managed to escape a large well-known religious cult. Amazing what you really don't know about the people sitting within 20 feet of you. Looks like it's once a month and each one has a theme. Next month is "The Road" and considering the number of road trips my BFF and I have done, I am considering attending. It would definitely make my therapist happy, LOL. I think it really helped that the coffeehouse closed right after we started, so the event wasn't interrupted. Only about 15 people besides us. Doable. I've always been fascinated with the stories of others, so it was a good fit. BFF knows me, lol.

Armee · February 13, 2023, 05:29:50 PM

That sounds really nice, Sage. I'm proud of you for getting out, and added bonus supporting people telling their stories.

CactusFlower · February 14, 2023, 05:17:01 PM

Thank you, Armee. Yes, my therapist was quite pleased I was able to get out and interact, lol. It helps counteract the down-ness of this week, as yesterday would have been Mom's 75th birthday. Just missing her a lot.

Armee · February 14, 2023, 11:39:27 PM

Oh, Sage. Of course you're missing her. That's a big milestone and reminder. Your love for her is beautiful. I wish you had more time with her. She can still be with you, too, in ways.

Hope67 · February 18, 2023, 07:20:36 PM

Dear CactusFlower,
That is a big milestone and reminder, I agree with Armee. Sending you a hug

if that's ok.
Hope

sanmagic7 · February 20, 2023, 08:58:03 PM

your coffeehouse experience sounds truly wonderful, CF. i've always enjoyed those kind of intimate settings for both the personal and the personalities. and, sorry about what you're going thru with your mom's birthday. she's still with you in whatever way feels best. love and hugs

CactusFlower · February 21, 2023, 08:32:23 PM

Thank you, hope, armee, and san.

So many things. I've not been doing much, but it feels like a lot.I've got things good to go on the found account, I'm just waiting for a day when the stocks are up to take it all out. I had a bit of a panic due to financial stuff. My BFF has helped out for a year now, but let me know he will only be able to afford to continue through June. The landlord also sent a letter saying the rent is going up (although only by $50, thank the gods) in June. My freakout was that I expect the disability hearing letter to come sometime in Late March or April. If I don't get it then, I'll have no choice but to try to find work that I know I won't be able to do long-time. That would also involve paying the lawyer instead of going to the third-level-appeal, which is a lot. I'm really trying super hard to let go of control over what I can't control and give the rest to my Higher Power. But it's super scary for me. Even though intellectually I know my BFF would do whatever it takes to help, it's still panic-inducing.

I'm setting the whole DID possibility to the side for now, I can't deal with so much at once. None of the initial contact places responded to my email. It's just not a priority at the moment.

My therapist sent me a copy of the letter she sent to the lawyer about me and why the CPTSD means I can't work. It's a very good letter, very comprehensive. grateful for that.

rainydiary · February 21, 2023, 10:30:31 PM

I hope the financial stress eases and that things work out in supportive ways for you. I can relate to setting aside things pursued given current available resources. I am thinking of you.

Armee · February 22, 2023, 05:16:39 AM

That's a lot. Sage, and passing the worries on to your higher power whenever possible is wise. Taking a few deep breaths alongside you and hoping for the best for your disability claim. I'm sorry they put people through this. I can imagine how reassuring and validating a support letter from T explaining why cPTSD is debilitating for you is. I'd probably sleep curled up with it, lol.

Fingers crossed for a good stock market day for you to pull your stock.