Sage's Journal

[Jazzy]

Wow, this sounds amazing Sage! Congratulations on all of this hard work and these accomplishments!!! 

Sorry to hear about your struggle with the printer. That kind of thing is super frustrating! Printers are the #1 piece of computer equipment that breakdown/malfunction etc. so I avoid them completely. I don't print very often, but when I do, I just pay a few cents per page to have someone else print it out. That saves me so much time, money, and headache!

Maybe this is something you can consider for the future. I'm sure things will work out when your new cable comes in though. 

I like what you wrote about salad and yogurt/granola, that sounds great! Have you considered making your own dressing? I find that making my own dressing gives me control over how healthy or not my salad is, and I can slightly change it up each time I make it. This way I can not only make it how I really like, but also work on taking small steps to make it healthier and healthier over time. 

Jazzy <3

[CactusFlower]

Between my health issues, my bro's health issues, and his doing some pre-reqs before trying for grad school, we do kinda need a printer/scanner, alas. But there are places that print super cheap on the times we really need it.

I've thought about making my own dressing, but there are several low-fat/low-sugar ones I like, as I tend to prefer the vinaigrette types anyway. I actually don't like creamy dressings, so that helps. I'm changing it up slowly. For example, yesterday's dinner was a few slices of roast beef lunchmeat and slaw veggie mix with a dash of italian dressing in a tortilla rolled up, with some veggies on the side. Crunchy, yummy, much healthier than going to subway or something similar, and cool in this heat. I do find I'm not really craving the sweet stuff as much, so that's good. They key is to be healthy but not feel like you're depriving yourself.

[CactusFlower]

Well, crud. I am wrung out and numb after quite the crying bout. I was contacted by an old friend to let me know that someone we both knew, someone I'd fallen out of contact with, passed away last night. This was hard. He was a kind and gentle person, always a supportive word, awful dad-type jokes, talented folk singer, just a sweet person at heart. That heart failed him. I know I kept seeing that he was on Facebook and thinking, "Oh, I'll say hi later." Now there is no later. He was a good person during a young adult stage of my life and an example of how good people should be. I bawled for at least half an hour because it's just so unfair. Then I cried a bit more when I realized this was the same month as my mom's passing years ago. June bites, apparently. I kind of numbly ate Subway for dinner and I'm choosing to have some cookies in a few minutes. I know I'm about that age where you start losing your older friends (he was only 61), but I- I don't know. This was someone who was close, he even took Mom and I in after a crazy landlord forced us out when I was in college until Mom found a place for us. Just amazingly giving person. I'm tired. I'm freaking tired of hurting. I'm angry because it's not fair such a good person went so young. I'm angry because now I'm looking at all my lost connections, wondering "Should I reach out and say hi before it's too late to do so?" I'm just... I don't want to feel right now.

[rainydiary]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss you are experiencing.  I am here with you as you process this. 

[Armadillo]

I'm so sorry you lost your friend, who maybe was like a mentor/parent figure too. And that it is the same month as you lost your mom. 

He sounds like a great person and like this is a big loss. It's hard when you felt you should have reached out but didn't in time. Similar circumstance when I lost my granddad who was my biggest protector. I still cry thinking about how I had wanted to call him the night he died suddenly but didn't. Maybe writing him a letter with what you would have said to him would feel good, in a sad cathartic way?

[CactusFlower]

That's a good idea, Armadillo. yeah, June is just my jinx month. Lost my own grandpa in June when I was 7, Mom in June 8 years ago, my friend this year... UGH. It's weird. I might try the letter thing. Talking to my therapist yesterday helped some, too. We chatted about how grief works differently for people.

[CactusFlower]

Today, hopefully, will be better. I had a home lab test from my doc and managed to get that over with and returned to the lab first thing this morning. I hate getting up early, but the payoff is not waiting in line just to drop something off.

Also, my BFF is coming over today for lunch/a tea party. We're gonna use my pretty pink teacups and teapot I bought last month. He's bringing some tasty cucumber cream cheese sandwiches (no crust, dahling) and I'm making Coronation chicken salad to be served on butter lettuce leaves. He doesn't do sugar and I have to reduce my blood sugar, so we've got some sugarfree cookies (biscuits) to go with a strong Irish Breakfast looseleaf. (lemon thins and regular shortbread, yum) I'm grateful such treats exist and I love tea, so this is going to be fun. I'm tempted to have my stuffed animal bunny attend as well. (sorry, I'm old enough that "plushie" feels weird to say) This is going to be fun.

I bought some highly recommended earplugs last night. tons of great reviews and recommendations on multiple sites, comes with sizes xs to xl on the in ear cushion, and small enough that they don't apparently come out while sleeping. They have the tiny loops. https://www.loopearplugs.com/collections/all-products/products/quiet?variant=32811062788199 I got them in mint. I don't know how long it will last, but I found a code for %20 off from a great TikTok person (LOOPXKC20) who deals with overwhelm a lot. I hope they help.

[Not Alone]

Sage, I am sorry for your loss. 

It made me smile to think of you using your new tea set with a friend. I remember that was a special purchase for you. I hope your time is delightful.

[CactusFlower]

Today's tea party was lovely! everything was so delicious, we chatted for a few hours, and Mr "i'm not crazy about tea" actually liked the looseleaf Irish Breakfast. Which makes me think he didn't like tea because it wasn't made strong enough, ha ha. I might be American, but if you can see the bottom of the cup, your tea is too weak. And so sweet, he bought me a package of Walker's shortbread! I love those! So it was a good day, I needed that.

I also have started ordering some small assistive devices. It's really hard sometimes to admit to myself I need those to do things, but I do. A sock puller, jar openers, and I put some more on my amazon list to get later on. Learning to admit I need help and ask for it has always been huge for me. I also have that whole instinctive reaction of "I would be taking up room a truly disabled person needs". It's an ongoing process to tell myself it's okay for me to need them too and my issues are just as valid. Really hits up against that whole shame and failure programming, you know? So hopefully those things will help a little, and then I can feel better about getting others. (like those bathtub clamp on handles)

[Jazzy]

Your tea party sounds wonderful, Sage! I hope I can have a tea party like that one day.

I'm glad to hear you are taking better care of yourself as well, with the assistive devices. I know exactly what you mean by feeling like we don't deserve proper help, like those things provide. I'm still working to convince myself I do.

I love how you're starting with the small things and working up to the bigger things That's excellent thinking! 

Jazzy <3

[Armadillo]

Sage it sounds really really hard to have to need assistive equipment so I am really proud of you for getting what you need. That's really important self-care so 

Your tea party sounds so nice i would love to join you in spirit. I like my tea nice and dark and served in pretty pink cups. 

[Libby183]

Hello Sage.

I just read through your very first journal entry, and it was interesting to read that your disabilities were linked to fybromyalgia. This is something I feel sure is the case for me.

I hope that you continue to find ways to assist you and make life easier.

And like every one else, I think that your tea party sounds perfect.

[CactusFlower]

TW: female medical procedure, not graphic

I look forward to the assistive devices, the more I think about them. I also have put one of those shower benches that are inside/outside the tub and have a handle to possibly help with fatigue and pain days. My BFF happens to be a social worker with decades of experience through work and otherwise, and he recommended asking for a PT/OT evaluation referral. It should help with the documentation for disability as well. I have some forearm crutches I got free from a local person that I will start using instead of my cane (mostly for balance, not weight bearing) and I plan on decorating them with those patterned duct tapes. I know there's a galaxy-looking one out there.

I also will be asking my doc for a letter so I can get one of those disabled parking hanging placards. They're for the person regardless of what car they're in, so whomever is driving me can use it. (I don't drive) That will be very helpful when we have to shop at large stores with crowded huge parking lots, like Walmart, which exhaust me before I even get to the door.

I could have really used those earplugs I just ordered last night. I wasn't sleepy until about 11:30, then after I go to bed, two gals seem to think it's fine to have a loud conversation outside their home that time of night, AND a police helicopter was circling overheard (I live near the downtown of my city) for at least 20 minutes. No sirens, though. It was really hard to get to sleep. Especially with the 4th of July coming up, I want those earplugs ASAP. Some idiot a block over was setting off some fireworks yesterday. I reported them, but this town is bad about responding to that for some reason. I'll report them every time. Fireworks here are illegal except on the 4th itself, they were clearly too large for a residential area, and we've had a lot of local fires and a drought this year. Grrrrr. I'm just grateful the cats don't seem to care much about it.

Medical issue: The mammogram place wants me to come back for more images and an ultrasound. They "have an area of concern." This usually means they screwed up an image. They scheduled me for July 14th. Having worked in healthcare, I get how things happen. If it was truly a big concern, they'd get me in a lot sooner. I think the issue here is they still haven't gotten my old ones to compare things to because someone somewhere dropped the ball.  They requested the old ones (different state and several years ago), place said they were sent, current place doesn't have them. grrrrr. Now I have to call the old place and tell them send it again. I can deal with things, it's just so annoying when people don't do what they should. it really triggers my anger because of years of "doing all the work" both physically and emotionally in relationships. I don't need it in other areas as well. At least I'm able to take a step back, have a cuppa, then take care of junk.  Aggravated. That's a good word.

[CactusFlower]

Medical records update: They actually DID get the records, the place in Seattle apparently  can't give you a straight answer as to when things were actually mailed. But my current location has them and they are in my chart now. Christmas Crackers. That was an ordeal of phone calls. I suppose at least they didn't get lost in the PHYSICAL MAIL they were sent by in this day and age.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated, Sage

It is perfectly understandable though! I would be quite frustrated dealing with all of this stuff as well. It's great that you're pushing through it all though. Those phone calls would have taken a lot out of me, but you got them done! 

I'm glad to hear your BFF has knowledge and experience which will be helpful to you. I love it when things like that work out. 

I like the sound of that duct tape! I also like how you sit down to have a cuppa to regroup. That's some great self-care! 

<3 Jazzy