Sage's Journal

Started by CactusFlower, February 02, 2021, 04:55:44 PM

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sanmagic7

CF, my heart is so w/ you on that whole disability thing.  my D was also denied twice, and is now waiting for a hearing which won't be till next year.  another bureaucratic institution which doesn't recognize the crippling effects of trauma.  it is beyond frustrating and so threatening financially.  know you're not alone w/ this, if that's any help. 

so glad you got that indian food.  sounds delish!  love and hugs :hug:

CactusFlower

Thank you, San!  We're actually going back to that place today for the lunch buffet and treating my BFF as tomorrow is his birthday. He's going on a road trip to visit his sis Wednesday, so Bro is baking the sugarfree lemon cookies right now that BFF likes. $10 says they don't make it to Wednesday, ha ha.

Other than the leg, I'm ok. Large amounts of Motrin do help it, but like any other painkiller, it's by making me take naps. Not a trade I like, but this is super ow.

Checkin with meds doc last week had her adding prozac to the list, which bro will pick up tomorrow.  I tried it for depression way back in college, but it didn't do much back then. Well, bodies change over 20 some odd years, so we'll see if it helps now. I do hate taking so many pills.

I also feel like I want to be creative, but nothing's coming to mind and I run out of energy. I'll have to think about this. I don't know if I want to write or draw. I can't really do either for long periods of time, which is frustrating.  I also need to see where my drawing glove is so I can use my tablet. I kinda feel like I want to design some stickers, but I need ideas....

sanmagic7

yeah, pills.  CF, i totally relate.  i have gotten to the point where i've been able to embrace my meds as helpers, and have found the right combo for me, so that's a relief.  so very sorry, tho, that you've gotten some added to your list.  i hope the prozac is helpful this time.  trying to get meds right is a crapshoot.  fingers crossed!  and enjoy that buffet!  sounds aMAZing.  love and hugs :hug:

CactusFlower

Thanks, san!

The big thing of the day is Varric's followup vet visit. Disturbingly, he's lost .4 lbs in a week and a half. They did xrays, but nothing really showed because he's pretty much too skinny. At least there was nothing there x-ray-wise. He got bloodwork, so I'll be called with those results later. he was a very good boy, at least. He's been sent home with some other meds that are anti-nausea and appetite stimulants, so hopefully they'll do something. The antibotic seemed to reduce the amount of nosewiping, but it's not totally gone. Thank the GODS for my bro, because all that was about 10$ less than a rent payment, holy carp.  He says he'll have to do payments if we end up having to have an ultrasound on Varric, because that's about $600 itself.  I have never in my life had such costs for the fur babies. Just... Makes me sick to think what would happen if I was alone.

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday before therapy because I was so worried, and so angry at myself for not being able to better take care of them like I could before. I was a mess. I was better after therapy, but I did rant for a moment. I think I might take a nap this afternoon. The stress just makes everything hurt. At least when I do nap, the cats tend to get on either side of me and cuddle.

rainydiary

CF, I am often caught off guard how much vet care costs and it's hard to plan for.  It is also challenging for me all of the feelings that caring for my cat bring up in me.  I hope your pet feels better and am grateful for the support you have.

CactusFlower

trigger warning: pet illness and loss
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I'm a freaking mess right now. Varric's bloodwork came back with worsening inflammation indicators. He's also gotten much worse in the last couple days. It's likely a cancer. However, he has refused to eat since Tuesday, refuses his nutritional gel he used to beg for, can't even keep water down, and has been trying to hide under the bed off and on. He's starting to suffer, so we have a last appointment for tomorrow morning to let go. I've already gone through half a box of tissues and will be a wreck tomorrow, so I likely won't be on for a couple days. I've emailed my therapist and will still see her Monday. He's sleeping in the sunny window currently. He also wants to bear with us, but doesn't want to be held. For a cat that likes to be held 24/7, that's terrible. I did NOT think this would come so soon; he's only 9 and a half. We'll have to give Pumpkin extra attention, of course, she won't understand. I'll post again later or next week. I do have loving support and our vet is incredibly caring. I'll be ok, just... not right now.  Hugs to you all.

Armee

 :bighug:

I'm so sorry Cactus Flower  :grouphug:

Hope67

Hugs to you Sage, I am so sorry and here are the hugs   :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

oh dear, CF.  my heart is with you.  what a horrible time to go thru for both of you.  fingers crossed and prayers flying, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

Moondance

I'm so very sorry Cactus Flower,


I thank you for your courage to post about this difficul time and loss Cactus Flower and that you characterized it as a possible trigger warning.

I went to vet with my cat yesterday and did not realize that the anxiety, emotion, rawness, fear I was feeling was actually a trigger.

Caring and compassionate  :hug: 


rainydiary

Thinking of you, CF.  What a difficult thing.

NarcKiddo

Oh gosh, I know how it hurts. Hugs to you.

CactusFlower

Thank you and group hug to everyone who commented. It's been hard, but having support means a lot. I shared about it in my Saturday Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meeting, and someone in there said a really beautiful thing.

Our beloved pets are sent to us by our Higher Power/the Universe to show us what truly unconditional love is, and to show us we can love and are worthy of love in return.

I cried at that, but it's very powerful and I'm going to remember it. I did email my therapist and we'll talk Monday. Again, thank you all for your messages of care. I hold them in my heart.

rainydiary

I appreciate the beautiful message from the group about pets being sent to us. 

Moondance

Thank you for sharing the pet message - love that.