Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Kindness exists (tw, mention of violence and family tragedy in the news, not my own though)








I belong to a local Buy Nothing group on Facebook. It's a nationwide thing. You can ask for things or give away anything, but there's no selling allowed. It's a gifting thing only. When I asked for a pink teacup for Inner Child work, the universe and a very nice lady gave me a gorgeous floral English china cup and added two pretty child's handkerchiefs. Turned out she's a friend of my next door neighbor that moved out a few months ago.

Yesterday, I offered a face mask, the kind with elastic that you put over your eyes to sleep or at a spa. It's fuzzy and looks like a cute fox. Only one person wanted it. She picked it up and left me a gift in return, facemasks and some wipes and gloves. I have good masks, so I'll donate these to some essential workers. But she left a note that made me cry at her kindness. She's the mother of someone who recently was killed in a shooting (in another city) that was in the news and is inconsolable and having trouble sleeping. She was just thinking about trying an eye mask when I posted.

It was meant to be. And I'm keeping that beautiful note. I'm also grateful to the universe that some small thing I did wasn't "small" to someone else and they got something they truly needed. What goes around comes around sometimes. I'm glad it's kindness in this case.
<3

[Blue Rose]

This is so heartening Sage, that kindness exists. And it does, you give a little and you get a little, and the amazing thing about it is that it goes such a long way. Here's to kindness. Your kindness, Sage. The kindness of the pink teacup lady (and I love that you asked for this & received it). The kindness of the beautiful note lady. It's so lovely to hear so thank you for sharing.

[Alter-eg0]

It's amazing how that works, isn't it.

Reminds me of the time I was doing a "write down one positive thing each day and put the note in a jar to read back at the end of the year" thing, and a few months in, the jar that I had was full, I needed a new one. Got home from work that day, and found a huge beautiful decorative glass jar type thing that I could use. Someone had apparently wanted to get rid of it, and just left it on the bench in the hall for whoever wanted it.

[CactusFlower]

The universe totally will provide when it's needed. After I wrote this, I was looking at pink lipstick and blush to play dress-up with, and got really disheartened by how expensive everything was online. I went back to that buynothing group, and blam, someone posted stuff they'd gotten that had never been used. I now own a perfect NYX blush palette and pretty rose lipstick! and I like that brand! I am grateful to the universe.

And to keep it going, I gave away some unused canvases and paints, and the lady who took them, her husband has PTSD and paints to calm himself down. What goes around, comes around!

On the next note, I finally got the infamous "write the perpetrator a letter" therapy assignment. Thank goodness for computers, cause this would be a lot of paper.

[Not Alone]

Thank you for sharing that beautiful story.

[CactusFlower]

I haven't written in a while. Been in kind of a blah phase. Yesterday and today were exhausting as well. The landlord had someone come to clear the tub due to a slow drain, so I kinda had to clean house real fast. Then today, the cat has had some tummy issues several times, so I've had to clean those up, which means lots of bending and squatting in painful positions for my knees and hips. I am exhausted and severely out of spoons. I kinda just want to have a bacon cheeseburger and fries, then curl up with a stuffed animal and watch forensic shows, but then something else happens I have to take care of. ARGH! My brother is out doing errands for me because I need new cat food and I simply cannot go out. I wouldn't get back up the stairs of the front porch, I think. Fibromyalgia sucks. Being stressed makes it worse. Oh, and I'll have to deal with more when the landlord arranges for the Other plumber guy because my taps are leaking. I can't turn them off hard enough without hurting my hands. And the work team renovating/landscaping next door started early this morning. I overheard they have a realtor who's going to be selling that property. Good. Maybe the neighbor who thinks it's fine to get drunk and barf outside at 3am, or yell at her boyfriend, or have very loud (like seriously, why do they have to talk so loud?) dinner parties during COVID until 2am, maybe she'll be gone soon. I won't miss her. I feel like I'm ranting, but I'm just so damned tired. I've got therapy in just over an hour, I'll discuss it all with her. Then maybe take a nap if I can.

[Armadillo]

Hey...I missed this when you posted.

Are you feeling a little less sore and exhausted today? I have to say wanting tobcurl up with a cheeseburger, fries, stuffy,  and watch tv sounds AMAZING and I hope you've had a chance to rest a bit.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you!  I actually did end up taking a 4-hour nap that afternoon in addition to sleeping better at night. I talked to my therapist and we'll also be looking at one thing I can do more, and one thing I can do less or not at all that might help manage that. i do have a terrible tendency to push myself too hard sometimes, then I pay for it later.  But Yes, I did rest up and splurge on comfort food.

[CactusFlower]

Today is... not easy.  it's Mother's Day.

My F was the abusive parent. My Mom did the best she could and we finally broke away from him when I was 11, but re-analyzing my memories reveals he gaslit and messed with her, too. She wasn't perfect, but we certainly lived a much better life once he was no longer in the picture. Mom passed away... gosh, it'll be 8 years in July. Sure doesn't feel like that long. I have no siblings, so one of the weirder things for me is that there is no one left alive who can corroborate my memories. Well, he might still be alive, but I haven't heard from or seen him in 33 years, so who knows. He'd be 70 now. But getting all the ads and crap leading up to Mother's Day is hard. I miss her so much still. At least she's at peace, though. But sometimes when I have bad days and stuff, I still really want my Mom to hug me and give me hot tea and buttered toast. There's no one left to take care of me but me, and sometimes I get kinda tired of that.

[Blueberry]

  I understand getting tired of having nobody left to take care of you. Especially the way things are with cptsd - the struggle to keep going at all, the exhaustion etc. 

[Armadillo]

 

That's so beautiful and sad. I am glad though you have those fond memories of her and maybe call up some of those warm memories when you need feel cared for.

[CactusFlower]

And now on to the next part of May. I'll be 51 in 6 days. Ugh. Feels weird. Trying to calm down that feeling of wasting time, not doing enough. Ptooey.   yet, at the same time, hating filling out job applications. What is the point of uploading a damned resume if your stupid websites won't then parse it into the form and I have to cut and paste the whole thing? grrr.

[CactusFlower]

Haven't felt great the past few days, although I got things done. It was highly windy all Tuesday night, which seriously sets me on edge due to having lived through a very severe typhoon as a child. So i was waking up almost every hour. Bad sleep exacerbates the fibro, so I was tired all yesterday. I did get a Dr. appt scheduled as I haven't been since moving here (a couple years) and kept putting off cause I hate having to start over. But it wasn't too difficult. Yet today, I've been just blah and tired and achy all day. We had to go to Walmart for stuff, and i forgot one of the big things we went for, so that's another trip to take tomorrow or Saturday. I did get a small 2-person lemon cake for my birthday Sunday, so that's okay.

But the thing that's really throwing me a lot today is that my cousin mentioned on FB that my uncle (maternal) is in hospice. (he's in his 70's) I was never close to him, but he was horrible to my cousin for a long time until Cuz managed to go no-contact with the fam. (We are close on FB, being the 'unusual ones'.) But yeah, he mentioned that and it was a strange feeling, to know another family of that generation is dying. I don't know of what, either. Just... I dunno. It's really thrown me off kilter.

[CactusFlower]

Random-ish thought after reading a response to bluepalm's post in the poetry section.

I don't think we ever really "overcome" or "get over" what happened. Not in the sense of "able to shed it and forget and move from there." No matter what, that which happened to us shaped us, formed us, and we were changed because of it.

Maybe better imagery would be something like "getting through" our CPTSD. I just have this mental image of someone leaning against the wind, walking through a storm with all kinds of stuff flying around. Each step is forward but it's an effort, and sometimes we slide back an inch or two. But when we finally step out of the storm (hah, see what I did there?), the winds aren't trying to knock us down anymore. yes, we're changed. We breathed the air of the storm. It blew until it stung our skin and embedded dust in our eyes and hair. The grit and dirt might even have scraped us raw in places. But at some point, we step forward and we can stand up straight again, breathe a little fresher, see some light ahead.

[CactusFlower]

Well. Yesterday was my 51st birthday. Of course, I don't really feel different, but this year, I felt more able to appreciate everyone's well wishes. I used to really hate my birthday because I wasn't a popular kid, so I'd invite people to my birthday parties and maybe one person would ever show up. Last year, the pandemic kinda precluding doing much of anything at all other than zoom. But that worked well. I was on zoom and my computer for several hours, during which several friends dropped in to say hi and chat. I didn't zoom this year, but everyone said hi over Facebook. (pretty much everyone I know is there) It really made me think about how the Internet makes it easier to stay in touch. It also made me realize that the care and love shown from my chosen family and friends really IS present and means so much to me.

On the down side, the one cousin I stay in touch with was a bit busy seeing their father again after a long time. He's old and fading and in hospice. I was never really close to or in touch with that uncle, so I don't feel as deep a loss as one might think. But I found out my cousin and I have a history of abuse in common. Sad, but we also understand and support each other in a way few people understand. He only lives a state away, so maybe a visit one way or the other is doable in the future. But having never heard these things about my uncle before, it just gave me this really weird feeling of "Sheesh, how many men in my life were monsters and I never knew?" Kinda creepy feeling.  But I'll be discussing it with my therapist this week.

Other than that, It was a good day. Gotta love all those discount and BOGO coupons you can get in email for your birthday.