Sage's Journal

[Jazzy]

Hi Sage!

I just opened up your journal to leave it on my screen, so I would be sure to reply to it later. I wish I had more spoons to reply to you and the others right now, but I need to prioritize myself.

You writing about not liking macaroni salad immediately caught my eye, because I used to hate it... especially that cheap stuff in the little containers at the store!

Just today I made macaroni salad with my own home-made dressing and lots of vegetables, and it is incredible! If you ever want my personal recipe for a good Caesar, just let me know and I'd be happy to share!

I just needed to actually TRY something new.

Challenging my perceptions. It's a good thing.

It certainly is; It is one of the best things you can do! Challenging your perceptions has unlimited potential for growth!

I'm so happy for you, especially that your experience with challenging your perceptions has been so positive. It is not always positive, as sometimes we find things we don't like, but that's good too!

I see there is some deep stuff here as well. I'll keep this short and sweet, but it is phenomenal to see you take back the power from your male parental unit, by realizing you enjoy things he kept from you in the past.

That is powerful healing! Congratulations!

Thank you so much for sharing. I am feeling so encouraged after reading your post.... just look at how much I wrote, when I was planning to write nothing!

That's the power that healing has on others, as well as ourselves. Thank you for sharing your power with me.

<3 Niko

[Armadillo]

I love that you are trying out these things and reclaiming your right to like things you had to convince yourself you didn't like.  pink!!!!!!!

Now I feel extra happy about your pink tea pot purchase. 

[CactusFlower]

Thanks all!  jazzy, I'd love that recipe sometime. I'm totally willing to try new things, and I do love a good Caesar salad normally.

So after giving my bleached hair a day and a half to rest, the coloring happened. I'm pretty impressed with the Arctic Fox brand. Easy to apply because it's really thick, doesn't smell bad, and it didn't stain the sink or tub at all. There was quite a bit of pillowcase transfer last night, but I made sure it's one I don't care about. That might have a factor in the sweating from this heatwave, too. Anyhow, it turned out VIVID!  Like, I love it. I'd honestly say it's pretty close to the color of the Cholla cactus flowers I like, which is cool. My bro convinced me to take a pic and for the heck of it, I put on some pink-ishpurple lipstick I'd gotten and hadn't worn yet. I was quite surprised. I identify as nonbinary and don't feel "feminine" or "masculine" either way. Yet this selfie makes me smile and I like it. I still don't feel it's "feminine" because it's me and I'm not that, but the bravery to wear these colors gives me some serious enby euphoria. I normally hate photos of myself and avoid them whenever possible.  So here goes (check back often since approval isn't instant for pics, and that's fine):

[Jazzy]

 

This is all so fantastic! I can't wait to see your picture! 

[CactusFlower]

TW: female medical procedure, not graphic













So tomorrow is the second mammogram and ultrasound. I was told that I'll have my results before I leave. My BFF is taking me and has offered to be with me when I get the results. He's a social worker, so he's aware that I might dissociate or not absorb whatever they tell me right away. He's super awesome. My logical brain completely understands that they likely misread something or didn't see correctly, and even their own previous one's results letter said it's not a problem 95% of the time. I'm larger and sometimes that doesn't do well in imaging. But clearly, subconscious mind is not doing well.  The anxiety has ramped up the last couple nights to where I can't fall asleep until 1 or 2 am. (and I have to tonight, because the blanking appt is 8:45am, which means leaving the house by 7:30, which means getting up no later than 7 at most, and I am NOT a morning person. At least we're going out to breakfast after. You also aren't supposed to wear any deodorants, antiperspirants, lotions, etc. and considering we've been in the 90's for some time now, I'm worried that even that time of morning will mean I sweat and... Just severely self-conscious. I know they're pros. I know they've seen it all. That doesn't help my anxiety. That doesn't help my mind jumping to worst-case scenarios and catastrophic thinking when I'm trying to sleep. I hate this. The anxiety is also leading to skin-picking again, which leads to an even worse self-image. I have a couple fidget toys that help a little with that, but they do make noise, so I don't think I'd be comfortable taking them anywhere and annoying people.

On one positive note, I did get my Instant Pot liner cleaned finally and will be making pork roast tonight. I don't know how much worse I'd eat without my IP and my air fryer to take so much work out of it.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Sage.  Medical appointments produce similar preparation and thoughts in me as well.  I hope your Instant Pot dinner is tasty.  I really enjoy my Instant Pot. 

[Jazzy]

Hey Sage! 

Sorry this appointment is so difficult! All that stuff you talk about is extremely stressful. Is there someone you can talk to about ideas to help make it easier? Feeling self-conscious strikes me as a particularly big problem.

Just a couple of day ago you were here posting your picture, which I'm still looking forward to seeing... now your mood has changed drastically. Which is okay, and I understand why.

That mood change is an example of things we traumatized people accept and deal with because it is so "normal" to us... but to non-traumatized people this is considered unacceptable. The reason I say this is because I never knew what was considered acceptable or not, and every time I went for help, it didn't really help... this led to me believing everything is acceptable.

This conclusion that everything is acceptable which is very natural, and I believe most of us trauma survivors make, is not right. People don't really help because they don't know how, but they're too proud to say that, and usually don't even consider it, because they're "professionals".

I'm not sure what would be best for you, but I hope you can try out some different things. Maybe your friend  brother have some ideas, as they know the details of your life more.

How you felt when you posted the picture of your hair, is how you deserve to be feeling every day. I hope you get there, and I'll do my best to help you, as you want me to.

<3 Niko

[Hope67]

Hi Sage/Cactusflower,

Firstly, I wanted to wish you the best for your test results, and hope that things go well.  I'm glad you have your BFF with you, and that he is so supportive.  That is really good.

I'm not sure if I've ventured into your Journal before, but I do remember reading things you've written before, and I looked at the Artic Fox colour - it is amazing and vibrant, and I hope your hair has gone the shade you want it to go, and that it's how you want it to be.

I used both names, 'Sage' and 'Cactusflower' as I wasn't sure which to use - so apologies for using both.

I really like the vibrant purple flower in your icon - it is beautiful.

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you both so much! Either name is fine.  Looks like the pic is still awaiting approval. At least googling the brand and color will give you idea, just imagine it on a buzzcut, lol.

So, the procedure went fine. I have mixed reactions that I'm aware of. The place was very kind and polite and I'm totally aware the anxiety I felt was my own ingrained reaction, not anything they really did. I was able, with my friend there, to tell them that I'm anxious about medical stuff and might dissociate a bit and it's not personal. Point in their favor - They did ask if there was anything they could do to make my experience better next time or be more helpful. I felt far more confident in the experience after hearing that and was impressed, even if I couldn't think of anything in the moment. At least I know I can tell them if I do come up with something.

My last procedure was 8 years ago. Even I hadn't realized it had been so long. To be fair, I realized that was the same year my Mom passed, so I was understandably not as with it that year.Although they came at the knowledge from the viewpoint of "let us help you, make sure nothing is ever caught too late, the tech is even better than it was back then, how can we help you keep better track", etc., there was an instinctual part of me that felt berated for putting it off for so long. (to be fair, if I'd known the tech improved that much, that would have helped.) I know it's my reaction and not what they intended at all, but I still felt that. At least I can recognize it enough to not misinterpret the situation, so that's an improvement. And I'm fine, just as I suspected. They also said they want me back in 6 months just to make sure, then yearly after that, but did ask if that was something I thought I would be able to do. So that was also considerate. I can manage that, I think.

Then I was able to relax (although the release of anxiety means I'm exhausted) and we went and got brunch. But oh, wait, the universe isn't done with me!

So I'm chilling here, and just a few minutes ago, the landlord calls and informs me the owner is giving the properties to his daughter and they just want to come see the insides Monday afternoon. I mean, I appreciate the plenty of heads up, but now the anxiety is back. He was open with me (he's a good guy) and doesn't get the feeling anything would change. Apparently the owner's just getting too old to deal with everything and he inherited them from his wife's dad, so he's passing them on to his kids to help them, as it were. (must be nice to be rich) Still, it introduces not only an element of the unknown, but now the anxiety of having to seriously clean up before Monday morning. My bro will help, of course, but UGH. It's still work. sweeping, mopping, scrubbing the sink and stove, etc. Of course, I'm trying not to catastrophize now. I'm just so tired. At least bro is going to get Wendy's for dinner, cause I do not have the spoons to even think about food. Like Scarlett O'Hara, I'll think about it tomorrow. I'm tapped out for today. I just want a nice chicken salad and to read or something.

[Jazzy]

Wow Sage, I'm so happy with how everyone treated you today. It sounds so respectful, which is massively important.

I'm even happier that it was so good for you. All of those relaxations you're making are right on, and now that you are aware of what's going on you can improve it if you wish.

I'm sorry of all that extra stress about the house inspection. That was one of my worst fears for a long time due to the catastrophizing (apparently that's not a word but it should be)

No landlord has ever complained about me though, some of them even thanked me for being such a good tenant even though I was unhappy with the condition of the place when I left.

Based on all that I'm sure everything will be fine, but the stress is understandable.

Chicken salad and a book sounds great! I'm going to get a bit of sorbet myself. I keep my sugar in take low so I can treat myself with sorbet and not have bad consequences. 🙂

[CactusFlower]

Started cleaning a little for the apt. owner visit on Monday. The Fibro + CPTSD means I can't do more than 10-15 mins at a time without being exhausted and hurty, so it goes in chunks. I don't know what I'd do without my bro to do the bathroom, because kneeling to clean a tub is not possible. Heck, bending over in comfortable positions isn't comfy either. At least the kitchen isn't terrible, so it shouldn't be too bad. Again, in chunks. I just hate I have to do the bedroom, because I don't know what they'll want to see. The invasion of my private space feels violating there, and I tend to have a pretty messy bedroom.  I also have a spiritual altar of stuff next to my bed, so I'll be covering that with a scarf or something so nothing gets questioned or touched. I don't actually have a lot of trash, I just have a lot of things and little room to organize. Like, my desk currently has my meds, pill holder, multiple pens, back scratcher, mug, gummies, fountain pen ink bottles, a nail polish bottle, lotion bottle, Spanish vocab cards, penholders, notebooks, my phone, a stylus, a full drawer of office supplies, eyeglasses and cleaner clothes, coupons, pain creme, play-doh, and a couple craft supplies. No, there isn't anywhere I can put these. LOL Older houses may have charm, but they didn't have space. The best I can do on some of this stuff is at least make the piles look organized. Bro has prescription meds now, so he gave me his bottle of hemp gummies since I was almost out. They don't cure anything, but they can take a little bit of the edge off the anxiety. Better than nothing at the moment. I'm tempted to get one of those big visual timers and try the "10 minutes then rest" method. The hardest part about the rest is trying not to then feel shame and guilt or calling myself "lazy". I've been trying to remember those phrases from @DomesticBlisters on tiktok, "mess isn't moral" and "you deserve to rest".  Takes a lot of practice.

I also realized something else that should help my disability when I file, I wasn't able to successfully do a self-employed thing either. I can do the coaching, but getting clients... The marketing and putting myself out there is too anxiety-inducing and I end up avoiding.

Update on the hair color - while it didn't stain the tub during a shower either and seems to run clear under water and is still very vibrant, transfer to a pillowcase at night is pretty bad. It doesn't affect my clothes, but the sacrificed pillowcase looks like I killed a dozen Easter eggs on it. LOL

[Jazzy]

Hey Sage,

I hear you about how stressful and painful the cleaning is. It's taken me 3 days to get caught up on dishes and I'm not quite done yet.

I'm going to start using paper plates and cups now. It's just less painful.

Everything you wrote about in your bedroom sounds totally normal, so I'm sure it's all fine.

Usually in this case they're looking for structural damage to the building, they don't really care how you live, as long as it doesn't hurt their building. That's really mean, but I hope it also relieves some pressure about cleaning.

I remember I had a landlord so bad he threatened to call the police because I said it was dangerous to walk in on me in my sleep because I have PTSD. I told her to go ahead. I will call my psychiatrist for documentation then my lawyer. She didn't call the police after that.

Anyway I'm sure it will be so much less stressful for you. I don't expect any problems, and I'm sure your new doctor will help if there are any.

You're doing great managing all the physical stuff, but is there anything you can do to help you feel less anxious about the upcoming inspection?

About the Caesar recipe: I don't have it written out so it will take me a bit of time.

How exact measurements do you want? I just pour stuff in the blender until it tastes good. That's what makes it mine! I hope you experiment a bit with my recipe and make it your own. 🙂

[CactusFlower]

Hah! You measure like I do!   "just add enough curry powder to turn it yellow"  "I don't know, enough mayo to make it good, but not gloopy" "I don't know, but that's not enough garlic".   LOL

I'll discuss it with my therapist, but that's on Wednesdays. I have some hemp gummies (hemp, not cbd) that do tend to take the edge off, so I'll probably have some about an hour before. It's hard to describe. Like, the anxiety is still there, but dulled so it's not as immediate, if that makes sense.

If anything, these things do at least have me analyzing how I have always catastrophized and jumped to worst-case scenarios where I never even realized I was doing it before. Awareness is a step, right?

We tend to use paper plates often because being an old house, it also doesn't have a garbage disposal, which makes doing dishes even more of a pain. And thank you for your reassurance. It helps me realize they're not here to judge me, they're looking at their property. Inspections, now that I think about it, probably throws me back to the male parental unit who was in the Air Force and exceedingly strict about cleaning.

Oh, but to add a positive note! The replacement cuffs for my forearm crutches actually were shipped on the day the nice customer service guy said they would be and the tracking says FedEx will deliver them tomorrow! So that means I can reward myself for cleaning by getting to decorate my crutches. I don't know if I said. one will be covered in pink duct tape that has kitty cat heads on it, and the other is a blue and purple starry galaxy duct tape. LOL At least they will be noticeably mine.

[Jazzy]

Omg your picture!!!!! You look so great! I love how your lipstick marches the hair and the way you've done your eyebrows!

I see the tape in the background of your picture too. I like that tape. I need to get some myself. 👍

Thank you for posting your picture twice. That says so much about how strong you are and how well you're doing. 

[Jazzy]

Oh the bright hair colour does look great. I was just so excited to see you brave enough to post your picture and how good your looking. 🙂