Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Just dealing with my anxiety this morning. I have the x-ray appointment, so I'll leave in about an hour or so. Also, the cat yarked at 5:15am, so I had to get up and deal with that. I'm already exhausted. I might even nap when I get back. Ugh. Just not a pleasant day already.

[sanmagic7]

standing beside you, CF, as you get thru this day.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

  Thank you, San.  Fortunately, it was as I expected and was pretty quick. I'll be a bit more achy the rest of the day due to the precise positioning I had to get into, but I don't have anything else planned. (Knee xrays) The tech was very nice and it didn't take long at all, so there's that. I also got access to the patient portal, so I can get the results when they're done. I like that, as I can then get the results to my regular docs. I don't actually expect an xray will show anything, but they want them cause I said my knees always hurt a lot. Years ago, when I had surgery for a torn meniscus (the little cartilage disk between your leg bones at the knee), it took an MRI to show because it wasn't bone injury. (shrug) But you never know. At least that one is over with. Next comes the general medical eval on the 5th.

[Armee]

Are you feeling recovered from the nightmare? Those can really leave me feeling shaky for a few days. It's really disappointing that the medication instead of helping seems to make them worse? Ugh. At least the bizarre dreams maybe are your mind's way of processing pieces of things in a less distressing way.

[CactusFlower]

I'm recovered from that one, yes, thank you. It actually is helping in that the number and frequency of nightmares is decreased. it's just it seems to make the "normal" dreams more vivid? It's hard to describe. And yeah, depending on content, they can totally discombobulate me for a day or so. I do think with some obvious themes lately, it's kind of like my mind getting me "ready" to deal with/work on something.

[rainydiary]

I do think with some obvious themes lately, it's kind of like my mind getting me "ready" to deal with/work on something.

I experience this with my dreams also - our bodies and minds don't seem to quit in letting us know something needs attention.

[Armee]

That's a relief it is helping. A gentle easing into facing things.

[CactusFlower]

It is, I agree. Although they're issues of loss and grief I knew I needed to work on, they're big enough that I couldn't bring myself to deal with them on a conscious level. I've also, in my work on other stuff, realized how I wasn't allowed to grieve at the time, so I blocked a lot out. And that kinda brings up anger as well, that I had to deal with it like that. Lost or hidden memories are a mess sometimes. I have a feeling that's why the Inner Child stuff I have right now came up as well, because this one was a protector.

[sanmagic7]

i've heard that about dreams as well, CF - the subconscious beginning to bring to light what the conscious hasn't been able to handle.  i'm glad you're getting a peek at them in a careful way, even if they're disturbing your nights and days.  i think you're doing a great job.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Earlier this week, talked with my T about this new inner child. She noted that generally, the goal of parts/ICs is integration, because they are all really you. I knew this, and we chatted about how this his how my subconscious froze a moment in time as a way to protect me. I also said that my goal in talking with the inner children was to learn to love and trust those parts of myself again AND to find out why they were created. What was the event that caused it, the thing I need to work through. 

We talked about fears and more about the boy IC. I could put this over in the Inner Child area on my post, but I see that as discussing method more than results currently. The boy... wow. Some of his answers to questions made me very sad. To have an inner child tell you he protects the younger inner child by making them "go away and go to sleep" so he can be the one hurt instead...  Wow. And he didn't want to discuss it much, but that parts holds some serious rage against my abuser, as well as the feeling of helplessness. There's a lot to work through with this one. I never try to rush things, though. I have to let that part of myself learn to love and trust me in return. (and wow is it odd sometimes to learn to trust yourself.) That all takes time.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling how much this is to uncover.

[Armee]

It makes me feel relief, Sage, to know that you have this part that holds rage toward your abuser. Rage is appropriate but hard to feel. Maybe it felt useless then, but I bet it will be very helpful in healing now to feel the rage toward the person who deserves the rage, when it is time.

And it IS sad, to have to have a part that puts the others to sleep so only he feels the abuse. There's a lot of weight there for him and for you as a whole. Gentle hugs, Sage.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, rainy and armee. It is a lot at times. I've always been, shall we say, exceptionally good at compartmentalizing and suppressing my anger. I'm realizing that I wasn't allowed to be angry as a child, as it was seen as rebellion and individuality, which were not tolerated. I also don't think I felt safe enough to express it back then. I used to think of it as being proud of my self-control, but refusing to feel/deal with it isn't the same as controlling it appropriately. I think a part of me might also be scared of just how much... strength? power? there might be behind that rage. Definitely a topic for my T and I to talk about.

[paul72]

I'm realizing that I wasn't allowed to be angry as a child, as it was seen as rebellion and individuality, which were not tolerated. I also don't think I felt safe enough to express it back then.

Hi CactusFlower.. thankyou for sharing this... this really hits home for me too.
I also worry about what might be behind my rage...
Mostly though I thank you for your courage and offer a gentle hug if you'd like 

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i have thought at times that my anger is what gives me strength to do what i need to do, even if it's new (like standing up for myself) or frightening.  like an extra ooomph! to get past the fear.  like you, my anger wasn't allowed, either, and it can be scary to let it out.  i agree with you on the safety issue, too.  not safe to be angry cuz something bad would come of it.  slowly, we're learning, and that's progress, right?  love and hugs