Sage's Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, CF, i agree w/ armee about the practicing part, like your brain is rehearsing boundary setting for real life.  i get that it was/could be frightening, especially when you're not used to it, but it sounds like your mind is getting more comfy w/ the idea of it.  i think that's real progress.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Well, that went very well yesterday. The lawyer is a very kind and approachable guy, very good at what he does, and accepted my case. (He also is good about replying quickly). It amused me that he was wearing sandals and a hawaiian shirt. (single lawyer office, not a group) He complimented how I had printed copies of everything and seemed "with it" and agreed that my years of experience in the healthcare industry was a bonus. He explained everything very well and took my case. As my bff said, they don't take cases they think they can't win. My anxiety was high upon the visit, but his competency and friendliness helped a lot.

Oh, and a super positive note? He asked my pronouns and how I identified! Very cool. Unfortunately, federal government doesn't recognize anything but male or female, but I'm used to that. Still, I was impressed that he did that.

For those on here not in the US, this is the first appeal level for social security disability that will be decided by a judge. Most people will not win without a lawyer. When the person wins, the lawyer gets paid out of the back pay award up to a maximum amount cap (25% or $6000 at most). The only cost I will have out of pocket is anything he has to pay for record copies.

[Armee]

Oh that's so great Sage!

[Blueberry]

Oh that's so great Sage!

[CactusFlower]

LOL, thanks, Armee and Blueberry.

some books I ordered came today. (I love better world books dot com for their used prices) Stephen King "On Writing", "The Courage to Heal" and "The Courage to Heal Workbook." I finished the Courage to Heal (it actually came separately last week) and I like it. Obviously, some of the resource info is rather outdated, but the rest is good. And frankly, very little of it is what I'd call gender specific. It's good for anyone, in my opinion.  I look forward to doing the writing the workbook has. The Stephen King one was recommended by my BFF and gets great reviews.

Relatively relaxed here. Tomorrow night's family dinner will be Taco night! Yum. Lots of build your own and salsa and chips, etc. BFF did find out last night that an old ex of his apparently passed away this past February. He's ok but kinda processing, of course. I let him know I'm here even if he just needs company. You can despise someone and still grieve a loss. Sometimes we don't so much grieve what we had as we do grieve what could have been.

[sanmagic7]

CF, thanks for the info on the disability appeal stuff.  we have that going on here, too.  i'm so glad you got a lawyer who seems approachable and competent.  best of luck to you with this.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Taco night went very well. We also played a game called Rummikube. it's kinda like Gin, but with numbered tiles. That was fun.

Stephen King's book about writing is wonderful. I'm only halfway through, but it's great. Not only to learn about his early life and all, but his very no-BS approach to writing is easy to read, like talking to a friend. This one's a keeper.

It's the 4th of July holiday weekend in the states now. I so hate random fireworks. Some idiot in the neighborhood has been setting them off at night since the 1st. I've explored a lot about why sudden loud noises really bother me. The male parental unit frequently found it funny to scare me using loud noises in various ways. So that makes for a cruddy weekend, and probably until Weds at least. If I have to, I'll nap during the day instead.

[sanmagic7]

hi, CF,

i can get startled by noises as well, large or small.  my S used to jump out at me and scare/startle me when we were young.  it doesn't take much, but it did enough.  it's a weirdly terrible thing, that hyper-startle response.  here's hoping you get thru this holiday as smoothly as possible.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
I remember reading Stephen King's book about writing too, and I loved it as well.  I've been appreciating hearing about your experiences with the writing course, as it's inspiring me to think about memoir writing too. 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Wow, writing the memoirs does bring up more and more. At least the occasional good memory is resurfacing, because the bad ones are really bad. I googled the average length of a book of memoirs and it's 60-80,000 words. Dear heavens. I have barely a third-ish of that and it feels like a lot already.

Working through the Courage to Heal Workbook. it's okay so far. Definitely some things to bring up with my therapist. She was off this week due to the holiday, so I have to wait until Monday.

Just feeling down in general. I think it's a combo of all the stuff that's come up so far and that I didn't get decent sleep the last couple nights. Idiots with fireworks. Blah.

[rainydiary]

I wish you well as the memories come up and hope that you are able to get some firework free sleep.

[sanmagic7]

so glad about the occasional good memory coming up for you, CF.  writing can unblock things for us that thinking and speaking often don't.  i admire all your effort w/ this memoir.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Gentle hugs Sage. It's only fair that some good memories come to cushion the blows of the really bad ones. I hope the fireworks have settled now for you and people aren't still lighting off leftovers.

I also have an MPU (step) who delighted in terrifying us with sounds...one memory of being laughed at by many drunk adults as I wailed in fear at the sound of fireworks and ambulances on the 4th, another of him scaring us in the middle of the night camping pretending to be a bear clawing our tent. Jerks.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee, san, and rainy. Fortunately, there were only 1 or two pops the night after and that was it.

Armee, I get ya on the sounds thing. balloon popping, snapping a leather belt, those screamer fireworks... It was all terrible.  The bear thing, that's awful. HUGS

[Armee]

I'm sorry Sage. That sounds so terrible. How do people do this to children. To their own children. Any child. I don't understand.