Sage's Journal

CactusFlower · January 29, 2023, 02:30:48 AM

So, putting my trust in my Higher Power does work, LOL. I was going through mementos, old important papers, etc and found a paper for E-Trade. It still had login info and I had no idea what it was for, so I tried and the login still worked. Turns out it was company stock from a job I worked at before 2005 that I totally forgot about. It's not a huge amount, but after fees and taxes, it'll still be enough when I get it out to carry me through several months longer than what I currently have. Yes, I totally thanked my HP, I am so incredibly grateful. So I'll be working on that process this coming week. This is so... Yeah. Just so grateful.

On another topic, psych-wise. I was talking with some people in another CPTSD forum and they suggested I look at a collection of symptoms I seem to have mentioned. Some that are often co-morbid with CPTSD. So I've done some reading. I am NOT self-diagnosing, but there's enough of a match to concern me. I'll be discussing it with my T, but I also don't really know how to bring it up. I'm about to go chat with some other people in the forum who have it and see if they have any advice. I'm not going to name it just yet in case I'm wrong. Part of me is "That would explain a lot and fit some things" and part of me is "Do you really need to be extra nuts?" (You can guess which one is the Inner Critic.) So if I don't post as often for a week or two, I'm pretty busy processing. I'm not going anywhere, I do feel safe here and appreciate very much all the connections I have here. So, big gentle group hug, ya'll.

Not Alone · January 29, 2023, 02:47:14 AM

Great news about the stock!

Armee · January 29, 2023, 05:09:19 PM

I can relate, Sage. And if it is this extra thing, it does not mean you are extra crazy ok?

I'm so relieved to hear about the surprise stock!!! That's amazing!

Blueberry · January 29, 2023, 06:36:13 PM

Hope67 · January 30, 2023, 02:41:40 PM

Hi Sage,
I am so happy that you're making connections with something meaningful to you - and I hope that your processing and your discussions about it are helpful. Joining in on the group hug too - sending one to you

Hope

CactusFlower · January 31, 2023, 12:56:34 AM

Armee, Hope, BlueBerry, NotAlone, thank you all. Definitely a group hug. I'll be working on the stock thing this week.

So, the thing I discussed with my T. I had such a fear response happening before telling her, which wasn't logical at all. We work well together. I took a few moments to breathe and jumped into the questions I answered on the forum and pointed to several examples in my life that fit.

She's a social worker, so can't diagnose, but completely agrees I am a fit for having Dissociative Identity Disorder. (formerly known as multiple personality, and effed over by Hollywood) She knew someone whose specialty is that, but unfortunately, she's not covered by my insurance. I did a provider search on my insurance's website and found several that look good and have appropriate certifications AND do telehealth visits AND are taking new patients. So I'll also be looking their reviews and such to find the one that fits. There's not much point doing anything about it if it's not technically diagnosed, so that's the goal. My T said she'd back me up for however I pursued treatment or whatever for it. (She's awesome, really) It's a very strange way to think about myself, but it makes so much sense and explains a lot of past behavior. Because trauma creates it, it's often found with CPTSD, so I shouldn't have been surprised. Don't worry, you've been reading the same person this whole time. But yeah, part of me is all "Great, more layers of weird" and the other part is sighing in relief to at least have an explanation for things. Knowing makes me feel better, like I'm better armed or such.

Armee · January 31, 2023, 05:16:35 AM

Your T validated you and is helping you find more specialized help. Those are really good things. You're still who you have always been. Having a pending new diagnosis to describe yourself doesn't change who you are. Who you are is someone who is awesome and kind and who has been badly injured. These are the injuries, these are the ways you have protected yourself and been able to carry on.

I'm pretty sure I fit in there too but have been fighting that knowledge. OSDD at a minimum but really somewhere less than full blown DID and more than OSDD, which I think technically would be DID. I don't really want that as a diagnosis for the same reason you are reacting to the knowledge yourself. It's really just a neurological structure put in place to allow you to cope with the crazy stuff that happened though. You aren't crazy. The things done to you that you had to function around were crazy. But yeah, I get it. It would be good though to get help from someone who knows how to work with it. I have found a site I really really like called dis-SOS. When you have mental space check it out.

CactusFlower · January 31, 2023, 10:35:53 PM

Hugs and thank you, Armee, you're right. Her support does mean a lot in this. I'll probably get serious about looking for a provider with that specialty next week. This week, I'm working on that stock account. I called today and the guy was very helpful. They're processing the name change, then I have to "activate" the account, then I can withdraw the amount. So it's gonna be okay.

Blueberry · February 01, 2023, 01:08:51 AM

Quote from: Armee on January 31, 2023, 05:16:35 AM
Your T validated you and is helping you find more specialized help. Those are really good things. You're still who you have always been. Having a pending new diagnosis to describe yourself doesn't change who you are. Who you are is someone who is awesome and kind and who has been badly injured. These are the injuries, these are the ways you have protected yourself and been able to carry on.

...I don't really want that as a diagnosis for the same reason you are reacting to the knowledge yourself. It's really just a neurological structure put in place to allow you to cope with the crazy stuff that happened though. You aren't crazy. The things done to you that you had to function around were crazy. ...

I got diagnosed with OSDD while inpatient last year and while I have no reason to think I'm further along the spectrum than that, OSDD is enough for me and hard enough to deal with on top of cptsd. I like the idea of neurological structure put in place to help us cope. I agree it's very important to get a T or other professional who knows what they're doing to help me (and presumably others) learn to cope with it.

Not Alone · February 01, 2023, 03:24:17 AM

I have DID. There are very few people who know that about me. With people who know and who understand and accept all the parts of me, having DID seems "normal." Those who understand trauma say, "Of course you have Parts. That was a creative way that you survived." When I think of the majority of my friends and acquaintances who don't know and coworkers who don't know, when I imagine what they would say if they did find out, that's when I feel shame or embarrassment.

sanmagic7 · February 01, 2023, 05:26:16 PM

hey, CF, well done in discovering this about yourself. as you said, these kinds of realizations can explain a lot. our minds are wondrous organisms in the creative way they figure out how to protect us, keep us sane and surviving. love and hugs

CactusFlower · February 02, 2023, 09:58:34 PM

Thank you, san, they really are. hugs back
NotAlone, Blueberry, thank you for trusting and telling me that. I appreciate it very much. I told my Bro about it today, and he noted he has seen times when I'm much quieter or more outgoing, more so than my "usual". He wasn't terribly surprised and supports me no matter what. I confess that the concept that it's "not always me driving" kinda scares me. As I meet alters, I'll be able to tell him, though. So that feels safe. I'll tell my bff soon as well. I think I really need the professional help to figure this out and see what I do now about it. Reading only does so much, of course. On the other hand, research definitely helps me think about what to initially discuss. Just trying not to get too info-overwhelmed here. *breathe*

rainydiary · February 03, 2023, 03:32:54 AM

CF, I am thinking of you as you navigate and am grateful you have support.

Armee · February 03, 2023, 03:44:03 AM

That was a really big important step to tell bro. Acceptance, right? And knowing the people we love will love, accept and support us. All those dissociated parts are still you. I like to think of it biologically, rather than socially or personality focused. That your brain has put up these dividers. You have these separate pockets of neurons that fire together and are not connected to some of the other groups of neurons. When one set starts firing, the other sets go quiet because they aren't connected to the other group. I don't know if that is fully accurate, but that is at least how it feels in my case. But the body is shared. There's just one body. So that's why my body can be acting horribly fearful and I am just perplexed because I don't feel scared at all and I have no thoughts about being afraid or any awareness of any triggers, and I'm watching my behaviors and feeling completely perplexed by them.

CactusFlower · February 06, 2023, 06:06:21 PM

Thank you, rainy, armee. Gentle hugs back!

Been relatively productive so far. I've developed a list of potential providers that could help. I've used the contact us form on 3 of their websites this morning with a script I wrote up about testing, potential diagnosis and treatment if warranted. Each place has someone who supposedly has experience in DID, so we'll see. I'm willing to take tests if need be. I'd always rather know for certain than not know. And if I'm wrong, that's okay too. I feel like I have a lot going on, so I'm really trying to pace myself. Hopefully the name change will be soon on the money account, then I can start the process to get it out.

Bit by bit, step by step. it'll happen.