Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

It's here!  My disability backpay has been deposited. I'm crying with relief. (Therapy should go well today, ha ha) Took them 4 months, but I am beyond grateful. Already in savings. Gonna see if BFF wants to go to dinner, LOL.

[CactusFlower]

Therapy did go well yesterday. I think we'll work well together. I talked about the emotional crud from when I cut out the material incorrectly, and she helped me re-frame that. "Maybe the upside-down unicorns could mean something good?"

So yeah, I decided that it means I like cute, but not conventional and that I look at the world differently. I finished the top this morning, see the pics here: https://imgur.com/gallery/phoebe-tank-top-pattern-from-fabricstore-com-WbZwCD3   I learned quite a bit, and it's definitely wearable around the house. I'll have to make alterations if I make another one to better fit my body shape (plus size doesn't always account for a larger chest, sadly), but I know I can do it. The pattern itself is super easy. So... Yeah. I'm proud of the effort.

We talked about a few other things, and we'll meet weekly for a while to basically get up to speed and in the groove of therapy. Nice to feel positive for a while.

[CactusFlower]

So, I logged into my bank account later Thursday, and...
EEEEEEEEEEEE MY DISABILITY BACKPAY DROPPED!
I am sooo incredibly grateful, I was so afraid I'd have to fight someone to get it and deal with confrontation. It took 4 months and 2 days, but I have it!  I promptly moved most of it to savings and have been getting a few needed things. Large necessities will be dealt with in a few weeks and of course, I have to save some in case of taxes. But the amount of relief was just incredible. I took BFF to a steak dinner last night. haven't had steak in so long, and the place was utterly wonderful. The emotional roller coaster definitely has me exhausted now. It's mid-morning and I already feel like I could nap. I have definitely said my thank yous to the universe.

[Hope67]

   I looked at your top - it is lovely. 

[CactusFlower]

hug back! thanks, Hope!

I'm also pleased it deposited because I can finally pay back my BFF for that just over a year where he paid my rent during this process. It feels good to be able to do that.

[sanmagic7]

CF, i'm beyond excited for you about the disability backpay coming in.  that's soooo wonderful!  happyhappyhappy!

your tank top is adorable!  to tell you the truth, that spin on the upside-downness of the front pattern is great!  i've come to believe in 'owning' what isn't deemed to be the 'right' thing about what we do or who we are, so to think of it as a take on how you see the world i think is brilliant.

your therapist sounds good so far.  i love it when someone can put a positive spin on something we view as neg,  i hope that relationship continues to work for you.

such good news on so many levels.  and glad you enjoyed that steak dinner.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, san, thank you!

Yup, BFF is paid back now. I teased him and said that doesn't mean he can go buy more artwork. (he loves art and decorates beautifully)

We went to lunch today and the store as well, as I needed a bit more cold brew and a few more little salads. Then he helped me put trash out when we got home. I am utterly exhausted now, but my mood is up. Actually, my knees are killing me, but it was a good day emotionally.

[sanmagic7]

yay for good emotional days!!!

it's just the best news.  so happy for you, CF.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, san!

Oops, almost a week. I and the new therapist are in our first few weeks, so it's a lot of getting to know my issues rather than the in-depth stuff just yet. But she seems good to work with, so that's cool. I've just been puttering around the house, getting things done before the Bro gets back at the end of the week. I'm kinda ticked off at his cat, because she's ripped a good-sized hole in one of my curtains, like there aren't 5 other huge windows to look out of. And I can't fix it until bro returns cause I need help getting up there. I have a replacement, but I'm annoyed.

I've bought a few little treats for myself that fell nice to have on hand. a glass nail file. I was leery, but it's actually quite nice and purse-sized. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff. We sometimes have readings from this in my ACA group and it feels like every time we do, it's just perfectly spot-on for that week and powerful. So I got my own copy. A nice incense holder that doesn't let the ashes go everywhere. just little things, but it's nice to allow myself to get them. I thought about getting a watch, then found my old Fitbit Versa lite. I got a charger (couldn't find that) off amazon cheap, so that's a perfectly useful watch that still works for about $6, can't complain. I don't really care about the health monitor part of it, but I like it as a watch and have plenty of face options. of course, the things I've gotten, Amazon breaks up into so many boxes and envelopes. The poor delivery guy must think i've won a lottery ticket or something, ha ha.

gentle hugs to you all if you want them, I swear I'm still here, LOL.

[CactusFlower]

Had a little difficulty setting up the care plan with the new therapist yesterday. Not in a bad way, we just kept getting off-topic. We're still in very early days of learning to work together and I have to remember she doesn't need a huge infodump every session. We did agree that if I can think of any interventions that work for me, I'll list them before next week, and we'll try to identify some types of situations where I might need them. Then we can start delving into things after setting up the safety net, so to speak. I know it won't be easy, but I look forward to some more in-depth processing of stuff that's come up, a much closer look at past events. it's the hard work that pays off, ya know?

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
Glad you bought some nice little treats for yourself, they sound really good.  Glad your session with your new therapist went ok - great that the safety net was set up ok.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I've bought a few little treats for myself that fell nice to have on hand. a glass nail file. I was leery, but it's actually quite nice and purse-sized. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff. We sometimes have readings from this in my ACA group and it feels like every time we do, it's just perfectly spot-on for that week and powerful. So I got my own copy. A nice incense holder that doesn't let the ashes go everywhere. just little things, but it's nice to allow myself to get them.

I feel I haven't read in your journal for a while so thought I'd check your current stuff. I LOVE that you treated yourself to all these things  

... the Bro gets back at the end of the week. I'm kinda ticked off at his cat, because she's ripped a good-sized hole in one of my curtains, like there aren't 5 other huge windows to look out of. And I can't fix it until bro returns cause I need help getting up there. I have a replacement, but I'm annoyed.

 Stupid cat. Grrrr       But I guess cats will be cats   Idk if you've read my Mbr Journal recently? I presently have 3 guinea pigs roaming free on my bathroom floor. Guineas will be guineas - toilet training    Sweeping the floor and wiping their feet? Forget that - bits of hay and straw everywhere. Food in dishes?? No thank you, "we" like to grab our food and run to a hidey-hole so nobody else can take it, who cares about any juicy mess "we" leave. But I did sort of choose to offer free-roaming guinea service for a little while, so I'm not annoyed in fact this weekend I'm having quite a few laughs despite all the extra work, mess and chaos, whereas you, Sage, have every reason to be annoyed at the cat ripping your curtain, you did not volunteer for that! I'm sorry you're going to have to wait to fix the situation too

[AphoticAtramentous]

Had a little difficulty setting up the care plan with the new therapist yesterday. Not in a bad way, we just kept getting off-topic.

Ah, glad that's not just a me problem. I tend to info dump too, or I go on these tangents and honestly I'd wish the therapist would notice and reel me in or something. It's a good reminder for me to try and chill out for my own next therapist session, heh. Wishing you well with your new therapy journey.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Blue, Hope, and Apho!

Haven't got the new curtain up yet. It's an effort to clear out that corner. Soon, though. I did treat myself again yesterday. My therapist and I talked further about self-care and my money issues "Not worth it" critical voice, etc. So yesterday, I went to professional piercers and got my ears pierced. I'd let the holes close up about 10 years ago or so and had other previous ones, so they were amazingly able to get good placement despite some old scarring. I'm just amazed at the advances in body jewelry technology. Look up threadless studs. The piercer was so fast and so good, I didn't even have time to react. It was a lovely shop, wonderful people, and a great process. I'd definitely go back for more. It's also a little easier to put it under the "I'm worth it" category of selfcare as I do have a lot of nice stud earrings and now I'll be able to wear them again in a few months.

Going to the laundromat here in a few minutes. I hate it because the seats are so uncomfortable and hard for the two hours or so. I usually have to lay down when I get home. And for now, I can't sleep on my side due to the earrings until the travel pillow I ordered arrives later today. (so one can have the ear in the hole part of the pillow, this should be interesting.) It was bizarre last night to not turn my head to the side, either. Very tiring.

[CactusFlower]

So, I'm putting here so I can remember to talk about it with my therapist next week, but I just set boundaries for myself!

I joined a sewing subreddit briefly to ask a question because I was second-guessing and not feeling confident about something I want to make. I linked a free pattern I found and asked about the math involved to do the neckline. I am not the best at math. I looked at it today and got this snarky jerk of a response.

"While that is a reasonable set of instructions, the pattern is awful. There are other -free- cape patterns out there, find a different pattern."

My gut reaction was, wow, what a jerk. My second reaction was I should just make this pattern to spite this jerk. BUT! I then thought and decided that since rule 4 of the group is "Don't be rude", I am going to politely and calmly NOT ALLOW them to talk to me that way. (if it gets me booted, I don't care. I followed the rules.) So this was my response, which I think is calm and polite while stating my issue with that answer.

"Well, it might be easier to find another pattern with a few caveats:

1- you don't say *why* it's awful. Without an explanation to say where the pattern may be lacking or difficult or unclear, "awful" is just an opinion. Why do you find it unhelpful or not useful?

2 - Sure, there are other free patterns. A TON to sift through. Again, without knowing the faults of the one I linked, how am I to know if any particular one is any better? All I know currently is that my requirements are that it be very simple, not have a hood, and fit on a queen-sized sheet. (I'm not requiring an ankle-length cloak even though I'm short)

3 - I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but just saying "find a different pattern" comes across as a bit hard and condescending. Wording it something like "you might want to consider a different pattern" is a bit kinder. But everyone has bad days."

That actually felt good to say.