Has Anyone Ever Done This? (TW: violence, verbal abuse)

[CactusFlower]

If you haven't had contact with the abusive parent for a long time, have you ever concocted fantasies or "scripts" of what would happen if you confronted them, even if it's highly unlikely? I haven't seem the male parental unit since I was 18 (I'm 50), but I do find myself making up scenarios of what I would say if I ever saw him again. Like, really cruel, verbally scathing stuff.  He's 70 now and I don't even know where he is, so it's not going to happen, but still... it kinda feels good sometimes to imagine cutting him down to size?

Sage

[Kizzie]

I have had my say in my mind or in letters I don't send. Just me but I try to focus on speaking up for me versus cutting them down because I just don't want to become like them. 

[Gromit]

I used to imagine stuff like that about other bullies in my life but not my parents so much.

G

[woodsgnome]

Although many of my abusers (from FOO and many other authoritarians I was used by) aren't alive now, and I'm distant from the rest, the implanted traumas they planted still readily circulate in my mind as if they're really still taunting me.

This is especially so around bedtime, when the long-term pattern was for them to show up, often in auditory fashion, i.e. I'd hear their taunts but not see them. It was like a giant and loud radio broadcast full of the worst taunts, threats, and more. I'd literally find myself trying to retreat under the bedding and cover my ears, etc.

It helps that I live alone, as I'd sometimes respond with fearful screams. Then lately there's been a phenomenon I'm calling 'voice reversal' where if they do show (usually the voices, but sometimes a visual can accompany the 'horror show') -- in this 'reversal' it's my own voice, returning the taunts -- and more -- in kind.

I also slowly got into the habit of visualizing protectors at my bedside, sort of angelic figures. I can let fly and really let the abusers have it. I've even felt guilty about this (at least when I first noticed it) as I'm anything but a violent sort. But as my T reminds me, remember what they did to me; this isn't happening in 'real' life, but it's boosting my inner resolve in ways I couldn't accomplish back in the day.

On the whole, these responses nowadays make me feel less like this --  and more relieved that at long last, I've been able to respond  . I may be the solo witness, but it does wonders for my inner self/soul or whatever the term to be able to right the ship, so to speak.

[Bermuda]

Yes, abosolutely. I am the most non-confrontational non-violent person ever and yes.

My worst nightmare ever was me in the role of the parent and my parent in the role of the child, which I forcefully put her in.

It's hard to imagine me ever actually standing up for myself in any sort of verbal capacity or physical, and in my case it would only "feed the power beast" which is my parent. I have certainly daydreamed about more round-about means of revenge or humiliation, but I don't need to.

As time goes on the thought happens less. I feel truly empowered. It's nothing I feel I have to take back from my abusers. I am better. I am stronger. I am more resourceful.

[CactusFlower]

Woodsgnome, Bermuda, thank you!  That's kinda how I saw it. Like, it was a little cathartic, especially since we'll never meet again. Although I do find the older I get, the more I'm likely to speak up for myself. I don't know if I just don't care anymore what people think, or what, but it kinda makes me laugh a little sometimes after.  Like, "I am too old for your $--- and don't have time for that energy." To quote a famous meme, "ain't nobody got time for that".   But yeah, I often feel better after imagining such things. Kind of the whole "after the fact" when you think of a good comeback, you know?

Sage

[int101]

If you haven't had contact with the abusive parent for a long time, have you ever concocted fantasies or "scripts" of what would happen if you confronted them, even if it's highly unlikely?

I personally don't see them as all bad, only half bad because of stuggling with their own issues and nobody ever told them how to resolve them.
you could say i have to much empathy for them. in some ways i have.