Abuser showed up at my house (TW)

[goblinchild]

They walked around and looked into all of my windows first like a creep. They were talking to my neighbors and I didn't know?? They showed up when they knew I was injured and having an adverse reaction to the meds for the injury, impacting my judgement and ability to take care of myself. They know they're not welcome here.

Ugh. Like, I don't need to go on about it. I'm sure all of your creep-o-meters are going off as badly as mine.  It's just that they were so squirrely. In the past I was so conditioned to feel like I was just being crazy when I noticed these things, but I haven't seen this in a year since I went low contact. The way they were speaking was strange for them, they sounded so weirdly desperate. Not groveling desperate, but "I'm desperate, it's unbearable, so I'm here to forward my wants over your needs and safety" That sort of thing. That "I'm going to use you to make myself feel better whether you like it or not" thing.

It's been a while since I've been on the other end of that and I'm a little shaken and dissociated tbh. I have more of an inner compass now, and in my gut I feel like maybe I need to affirm my innate value and humanity to myself and assure myself that I'm not here to be used by any * who prefers to hurt people instead of help themselves. It's hard to push away the humanity of it all though. They've told me before to my face that they prefer treating people this way and have no intention to stop, and that they understand they have a problem but they just don't feel bad about it and don't want to change. They get offended at me when I suggest they need to fix it, as if I'm an unaccepting monster. It's so easy to get sucked into those memories. I hope I can use these feelings of anger and lack of safety to double down and care for myself even more. Protect and value myself even more.