Agressive thoughts [TW]

[Alter-eg0]

I've only ever shared this once before in a therapeutic setting that I thought was safe, and was met with so much shock and judgement that I never opened my mouth about it again.
Hoewever, I still feel the need to get it out, explore what it could mean, and hopefully find out more about it. I can't imagine that i'm the only one who has them. There have to be more people out there, but there's so much taboo on the subject, that nobody really talks about it. I hope to find some people who can relate, and explore what it's function/symbolism/meaning might be.

Disclaimer beforehand: These are thoughts that I would NEVER act on, and that I don't take literally in any way. They are no reflection of who I am, or what I do. They are just thoughts.

Ok, so here goes. Trigger warning, mentions aggression towards children.

Ever since I was young (I have memories of this going back to..I don't know..seven?), if I hear a child cry or whine in a certain way, it triggers instant aggressive thoughts in my head.
I feel this intense rush of anger, and I see myself lashing out, hitting the child, sometimes just completely beating them up. I can't really descibe the trigger exactly, it's a very specific type of cry and it makes me wonder if it represents something that happened to me, that I just don't remember. But it could be more broad, obviously. Repressed anger over injustice that was done to me, that I then project onto someone else. I don't know. Either way, I feel really ashamed and horrible for having these thoughts, and i'm terrified that if people knew, they would think that I'm a bad person who can't be trusted with children. Which is absolutely not the case. Like I said, i'd never do it, or want to do it. They are thoughts, and many people have vengeful or aggressive thoughts/fantasies that they would never consider acting on.

Anyway...i'm really curious if there's anyone else out there who has this, it would be somewhat comforting to know that i'm not alone. And i'm really curious if you guys have theories as to what it could mean, where it could come from, or what function it has. Thoughts?

[Bella]

Hi Alter-eg0!
I don't have too much to say, other than I think intrusive thoughts are quite common in CPTSD. Also common to some degree for most people I think. I also experience quite scary and terrible thoughts, especially when I'm already triggered in some way. I don't feel ready to share what they are about though... Just wanted to tell you you are not alone, and I agree that they are just thoughts.
Sorry you only recieved judgement the first time you opened up about it.

[marti.325]

CPTSD  can start from infancy onward. What I found out about myself was because my mother neglected me and when I did complain or whine or speak up I got a quick, stern, "Stop it!" As a child that is devastating, especially because I was already in shut down (freeze-mode). So when I heard a child whine or whatever, I got angry. It's my mother! Her attitude towards me becomes my inner attitude towards the child, which is really my attitude toward my Inner Child. When I trace my feelings back to what happened to me as a child, that's when I begin to understand why I am like I am.

I hope this made sense and was helpful.

[woodsgnome]

I do a lot of thinking of this sort, wondering about thoughts -- so perhaps that helps explain why this response ended up longer than I'd probably like.

As humans we seem to have endless possibilities, fed by thousands of thoughts that can resemble a roaring waterfall pouring all sorts of information into our brains. Some stick there, while others move downstream and onto something else.

It's too much, really; and where they all come from, some expected but mostly not, is hard to figure. Somehow we also have a capacity or wherewithal to at least partially decide what we notice, what we discard or hang onto, or put in our 'either/or' basket.

Sometimes we're not really sure, or mature enough, to decide what seems to truly belong and/or what we want to keep. Unfortunately, our development can be rather dependent on outside thoughts, especially those originating from those people around us when very young. And -- too often, at least with regard to c-ptsd -- the thoughts can dreadfully mess things up.

If we suffer from enough abuse and/or trauma, we're thrust into confusion, contradiction, and panic over what's going on. It's very easy to internalize it and start blaming ourselves, not knowing any better.

Meanwhile more thoughts continue pouring down the waterfall. Hopefully we'll learn how to discern enough to not be so affected by too many negative vibes. Boy, is that easily said, but so hard to wriggle free of. It starts being contradictory to what life seemed to be. It leaves us in a fragile state of anxiety and self-doubt.

Okay, so that's my drift. My point is simply that our thoughts come and go, often from sources we have no clue about. The most prone to stick, unfortunately can also be very troubling when we can finally try to figure it out.

Bottom line -- the never-ending deluge of thoughts is very much a normal part of what humanity is supposed to be about. Yes, we have lots of aggressive or contradictory thoughts in the human package. Many of these thoughts can't be stopped or easily controlled. Judging them as wrong or bad isn't so much the problem. Picking out the ones that don't seem attuned to our authentic self is challenging, and tiring; especially considering the innocence in which we develop.

In lieu of full control, all we can do is hope for better discernment, built on our own inner sense of self; problematic as it needs time to grow and develop in order to withstand abusive outside influence. Some thoughts aren't really "our own", but were thrust upon us by others.

Hope you made it this far -- in summary, thoughts aren't always random, but can derive from many sources. And it's okay to not be okay about certain thoughts, too. Maybe there's a reason for them, but scoping them out can feel like like trying to find the needle in the haystack. As for the ones that obviously don't fit who we are, we have the choice to honour our own values as to whether they truly reflect who we are. Sometimes, they really are just thoughts.

[Bella]

Woodsgnome.. Thank you so much for that! It's very obvious you have been reflecting a lot on this issue, and I very much agree.
I think as survivors we are very vulnerable to be stuck in that roaring waterfall of thoughts, ideas and information in general. We haven't been taught how to regulate, which affects much more than "just" feelings.
We have not been taught how to discern our thoughts in a healthy way.
Like you wrote, I also think it is the cause of a lot of our confusion, contradiction and sense of panic.

You are very good with words, Woodsgnome. I love when I get new ways to look upon something, and new perspectives.

[goblinchild]

I'm not sure if it would help, but if you ever manage to find an example of what the cry sounds like, I've known several women in my life who could identify what a baby was upset about by the type of cry. Once we were in public and there was a small baby doing short, impatient sounding cries and the woman I was with pointed out how it sounded and told me the baby was hungry. Another time a woman made an exasperated comment about how a nearby baby was tired and should be taken home, saw my confusion, and explained that the cries were long but not wailing: a tired cry. Apparently long and wailing or high pitched bloody murder cries are "I'm hurt or something unfair happened, pay attention to me".

Idk if that information would be useful to you? If it were me, I think I would find some peace in knowing what kind of cry it was so I could remember that the baby is hungry or tired and feel some empathy and softness for them and by extension feel some empathy and softness for my past self. Or maybe you might find that knowing the baby is hungry inspires some kind of panic in you? That could be helpful to explore. Why would a hungry baby cause someone panic? Or maybe it's a tired cry- why would a tired baby not be able to fall asleep, and instead be crying? Why would a "pay attention to me" cry go unanswered?

My suggestion is that if you've ever seen a high school drama, the girls who are the meanest are also the ones who have the harshest standards for themselves. For me, and this will sound awful but I'm sure you understand, it's cancer patients. I never talk about it because it sounds so bad. I had really severe life-threatening health problems growing up, and no support. I couldn't really talk about it because of my family, there was very little empathy. When I see "recovery parties", or the outpouring of support for cancer patients, something inside me twists like a burning knife. I hate it, I don't want those feelings but they're there. Maybe if you weren't allowed to cry from a young age, there could be something in you that burns when someone else gets to? Not because you're awful but because you're still hurt. It's a kind of suffering.

[Alter-eg0]

That's a really interesting question, goblinchild. I hadn't even thought of that yet.

And yeah, I absolutely get what you're saying. Makes a lot of sense.

[saylor]

What you have described sounds a lot to me like misophonia. I have it, and there are certain trigger sounds that send me into instant agitation and (unexpressed) rage. In my case, baby crying is annoying, but not an actual misophonic trigger—but I have other ones that do qualify. Basically, the second I start to hear the sound, something inside me completely and utterly wigs out. Usually, I try to get away ASAP, but that's not always possible, given circumstances. When I can't get away, I'm basically shot and useless until the sound stops. I won't be able to have a conversation or even think. It's a terrible experience. I've actually started avoiding certain activities that may end up exposing me to my triggers—it's that bad. There's a documentary about it called Quiet, Please. It does a good job of explaining what life is like living with this. It has really wrecked some ppl's lives.

Not trying to diagnose you, but it's something that may be worth looking into