C-PTSD, seasonal affective disorder plus lockdown

[Rainydaze]

I think January was the toughest month I've had in years. With the days finally becoming longer February is looking up but it's so cold and dark all the time and we're in lockdown in the UK at the moment, so we're cooped up indoors and only allowed out once a day for some exercise. I always struggle with winter at at the best of times, but this is just something else entirely. It's really triggered my C-PTSD something chronic, which I think is because my trauma really became repetitive when I was stuck living alone with my abusive father and as a teenager with no money or support system I had no means of immediate escape from the house. My DH is not abusive and treats me kindly and with respect, plus I'm an adult now so I know that logically it is not the same situation, but trauma brain is seeing the parallels in the circumstances and going into overdrive.

Home has been my safe place for years and as much as I love my husband, I'm used to having the house to myself far more and having breathing room to process my emotions and re-regulate. When restrictions weren't so rigid he was going out exercising with a friend every weekend which would give me a few hours of uninterrupted quiet time for C-PTSD 'maintenance'.  Now I don't have that I'm feeling irritable and low nearly all the time and resentful that trying to keep emotionally regulated is so much harder. I end up exhausted and grumpy and on really bad days my nervous system seems to be firing on all cylinders constantly. Yesterday was awful and just one slight annoyance sent me into full anger meltdown, which was kind of scary. My emotions felt completely out of control and like I had reached my limit and then some.  The front door had swelled with all the rain we've been having and I couldn't unlock it to take a delivery. Huh actually, I hadn't put two and two together until now, but looking at it logically I'm really not surprised that it set me off. Doors no doubt symbolise escape for me, even in the present day. Many years ago if uNF had been raging the front door would have been the quickest route to run to in order to get to somewhere that felt safer.

At least when this was happening in the summer there was the garden to escape to for a breather and pleasant distractions. I feel bad complaining because I know many others have it so much worse but I must say, I already feel better for having ranted about this. It's too much to keep bottled up all the time. How are you guys all doing? 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi blues_cruise,

I wanted to thank you for sharing. So much of what you wrote is recognisable. I'm also in the UK and I have the same feelings around the long winter. There's snow on the ground where I am, and there has been snow since before Christmas. At the moment it's just another thing that's contributing to a feeling of all days being the same. It seems the snow keeps falling and the days just keep going.

I live on my own, and I'm grateful for that, but it brings its own problems. I get lonely, and most days I wake up feeling 'here we go again'. It's like Groundhog Day. In some ways it's forcing me to confront feelings I've stuffed and ignored for years. I must admit I'm finding it difficult. I had a friendship that looked like it was going further but that all ended abruptly and, though that was nearly 6 months ago now, I'm still processing, and every day I think of the person and what I did wrong..I never seem to be able to put things in perspective. So I just keep going and hoping things will turn over.

The notion of the door representing escape really chimes with me. In my late teens / early 20s I had a period of 7 years living with a chronic alcoholic F. and I felt completely and utterly trapped. The freedom to get up and go out the door at a moment's notice means the world to me - I can imagine the feelings that must have grown when your door was wedged shut because of damp. I imagine, if I were to find myself with the situation being unable to receive a delivery, that my feelings might also have bubbled up, and it might have been an chance for anger to come up. There's quite a lot there, when I think of it, being trapped, maintenance, care (the door), frustration at being blocked from receiving something we've rightfully been expecting. It's something that could so easily be triggering. Coupled with lockdown, I don't think it's something I would be surprised to find myself doing. I've had minor triggers recently with my energy provider and I realised there was a danger that could overflow for me.

Re., having it better than others, I sometimes find myself warning myself to not be too hard on myself for this, as I have a tendency to tell myself that. In some ways that talk reminds me of my upbringing, I was regularly told that, so I try to think of my frustrations and anger as something that is deserving of patience and self care, rather than let my critical voice tell me I'm being ---- (insert adjective of choice here) for even daring to think it. Yes, there will probably always be people who are worse off than me, and in quiet times I can reflect and hope the best for those people, but in my life there will always be me and it's also important not to discount my own needs and feelings and wants - I do this all too easily and readily.

I hope it's okay I wrote so much. I find myself waking early these mornings and I sit for a while with a coffee and read and reflect a little. Thank you again for posting your thoughts. Best,

SaB

[Rainydaze]

Hi SharpAndBlunt. 

Thank you for your response, It's so comforting to know that there's another person who relates. UK winters are just soggy, cold and awful for the most part and they hang about for far too long. We had one day in December where it was a picture perfect combination of ice topped trees and houses against a sunny, blue sky but it was very fleeting. Snow can be a novelty for a couple of days but hanging around since before Christmas is most definitely outstaying its welcome!

I'm so sorry that you get lonely on your own, it must get really difficult during lockdown. You're exactly right, this is all very much like Groundhog Day. Just the same stuff over and over again. I think when we're alone with our thoughts for so long it's really easy to get stuck on one thing and to ruminate. I had a friendship fizzle out last year which it took me a long time to process, so I know how sad, anxious and even angry it can make you feel. I think with C-PTSD we're used to being hypervigilant and questioning every little thing that could go or might have gone wrong and it's easy to assume that we're at fault, when there could be any myriad of reasons behind another person's actions (or inactions).

I can imagine how traumatic it was living with your alcoholic father and I'm sorry you went through that, I was stuck with mine between the ages of 15 and 21 and it was extremely hard. I never realised just how badly my experiences had affected me until a few years after moving out. I'm still connecting the dots years later and realising how even the most mundane little annoyances in life are multiplied a million times by the fear and black and white thinking which emerged from such an unhealthy upbringing. It's a constant learning curve really, acknowledging that weird triggers will come up and learning how to calm my nervous system down in the present day and be compassionate towards myself when it happens.

You're right, we shouldn't discount our negative experiences or berate ourselves for having a hard time coping. My childhood pretty much looked like the social ideal from the outset, but when you dig deeper it was actually very traumatic and dysfunctional. I think I end up gaslighting myself in that regard because I can get too caught up in how things appear to others. I do the same in the present day: loving husband, a job, a roof over my head - who am I to feel sad? It's a tricky balance because I want to acknowledge and grieve for my younger years, however I also want to feel gratitude for my better circumstances nowadays. The grief is left over from the past and has to be processed in the present day though, so there's an overlap there that causes some difficulty.

I'm always happy to see longer messages and have a tendency towards writing them myself, so thank you, I really appreciate what you wrote and it all very much resonates.  It's healing to share these things I think. Hope you're having a restful weekend.

[Blueberry]

Sending you both 

I live in a snowy area too though further south than the UK so we have fewer dark hours. Most of the snow has melted though and yesterday i even did some gardening and picked the first minutest of dandelion leaves for my pets. Although I do like snow, much prefer it to days of grey and rain, I was surprised how good it felt and how much good it did me to be back in the garden. Our winter isn't necessarily over though. It's been known to snow in May. We're in lockdown too but it's not as strict as UK lockdown apparently. There's no limit on the amount of time we can be outdoors. So I feel for you.

Idk if it helps, but there are lots of lovely nature photos like here https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-55922640 I like to look at so obviously some people are getting out and about! Sometimes the photo-taking is in people's gardens of course.

[Rainydaze]

Hi Blueberry, thanks for the  Hope you're getting on ok.

That sounds really nice, it's surprising how good it feels just being able to do little things in the garden. Last summer I'd sometimes pop outside and do and some weeding on my lunch breaks while working from home and it made all the difference connecting to nature in even the tiniest of ways. We had heavy snow all last week but temperatures are going back up today and it's starting to melt, so yay.

Thank you for sharing the link, I love people's nature photos. Particularly birds, they're such resilient little things and so photogenic. 

[Blueberry]

  

[SharpAndBlunt]

I just wanted to thank you too, Blueberry. I didn't reply at the time, but your message has come into my thoughts on a few different occasions since then. It is appreciated 

[jamesG.1]

blues_cruise, just wanted to say how much I enjoy (wrong word I know) your post here. The clarity in your description really hits a chord. It's very important to detach the C-PTSD effect from the broader lockdown effect and I think you've done that very well here. All you've described here is very much in my mind of late, that inability to repair and the constant checking of one's behaviour to remind yourself of what is understandable and expected in what is not a normal situation for anyone, let alone al of us here.

The constant engagement is a real trial for me, I'd give my right arm for a 2 hour commute. I'm constantly in danger of misinterpretation of moods and messages, my hypervigilance looking for tgreats in the smallest things.

My trauma came from an alcoholic partner crashing into latent family dysfunction reigniting, my narcicsitic brother causing havoc when my mum became ill. All this was while I was stuck at home running a business with a very complex workaholic business partner. I jioke nbow that this is my third lockdown, first then, second when the C-PTSD laid me out, and now this one. But yeah, stuck at home with not enough recovery time and far too much work, it's a real recipe for flashbacks, and so it has turned out. But on the plus side of that, it's forced me to face a lot of memories down, where I could just have easily just buried them. In retrospect, it's helped a lot, but it wasnt fun. Keeping your exterior calm while your brains are involved in a civil war isnt easy and sometimes it spills over.

You just have to demand time, and that's not alwasy so easy, people get hurt and misread the reason, but if you don't take that space, boy does it bite back.

It can't go on forever.

Keep writing, some very useful stuff in your thoughts.

J