Snookie's shame journal

[Snookiebookie2]

Shame is a big problem for me.

One of the suggested tactics is to open up about what you're feeling ashamed about.   Shame like to hide in the shadows but it goes away if you shine a light right at it.

So.... here goes...

[Snookiebookie2]

So today has been a grind 

Firstly, I have tomorrow booked off as annual leave.  I usually tell my colleague when I have booked time off.  But when I checked my emails this morning she had told me that she has tomorrow off.  So I frantically checked my emails - I couldn't find an email telling her that I had booked the day off.  I must have completely forgotten!  By now I was feelings pretty stupid - I did not know whether I should tell her and apologise and see what she said.  So, my shame told me to ignore it.  All holidays are authorised and I thought to myself, that if the Office Manager has authorised it then it's not my problem if we are both off on the same day.  But that was just me justifying it to myself. 

Later in the day my colleague emailed me to tell me she had realised I was off and had cancelled the day off - but she had no plans.  So now I feel stupid and feel a bit of a coward too!

Then I was liaising with a few people from the finance team about some transactions.  I hadn't told them what to do - but flagged up the points and left the solution up to them.  One of the Accounts team replied to me, copying in my new supervisor, and seemed to be making out I was doing something wrong or had clearly misjudged the situation!  Cue anger and frustration!!   I replied to him, in a friendly tone reiterating the facts.  I Could tell by the tone of his email, where he was making out that I was being very helpful that he had realised he had got it wrong.  And he clearly had got it wrong as he was missing the point.  In the end I called him and suggested it would be easier to talk on the phone.  The problem was resolved really quickly - and he thanked me - copying in my supervisor too - so at least that was short lived shame.

Later in the morning, I had to send a two page document - I thought I had scanned both pages together and sent them to my colleague.  Turns out only one page was sent.  When they let me know my shame made me feel stupid because I should have checked what document I am sending - I should have noticed.  It was easily fixed but yet another stupid, careless mistake.

Then on one of my most faffy and dreaded cases, I thought I had made a mistake.  I went cold.  I can see that all is okay - and at the time I did not have all the knowledge of how to deal with things and that I would deal with things differently this time around.  I have updated my processes due to this.  But I just felt totally stupid again - so my shame flared up again.

My shame throughout today has been telling me I am incompetent because I missing and forget things.  It has told me that I am guaranteed to make an irretrievable mistake and that I deserve all that happens.. Shame has told me that people are surly and officious with me because they think I am stupid and deserve to dealt with in that manner.  I feel quite small and useless and pathetic.