Pioneer's Journal

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rainydiary

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #30 on: January 17, 2021, 02:42:19 PM »
Iím sorry for the loss of your FIL and for your articulating this part of your journey.  I really relate to what you say about feeling like things are going well and then something comes up that makes you question that and feel setback.  I also really relate about reaching out to your spouse as that is something I am finally learning to do too after 10 years of marriage.  What I hope for you is that once you are on the other side of this grief you will have more peace and ease built upon the progress you are making.

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2021, 05:28:27 AM »
Thank you, rainydiary! Your words are encouraging to me. And I hope you also continue to have grow closer with your husband and enjoy peace and joy along the way. I have been married nearly 10 years, too, so I can relate to the feeling of just now getting to this place of learning.

Today was a good day. I worked on our new garden plot, that we are prepping for the spring, with my six year old. She worked really hard and is excited for a garden this year. I love getting my hands into the dirt. It's healing, I think. Outside was always my retreat, and it still seems to be a place of healing for me.

I have to admit that I feel afraid for tomorrow though. I'm struggling to want to go to bed. I think I tend to be afraid after a good day, thinking tomorrow will be a rough day because I often sabotage after a good day. I realize the irony of worrying (planning) about a rough day tomorrow. I am hoping writing it out and expressing it to my husband in a bit will help. It's ok to be afraid. But I want my mind to know that a rough day tomorrow is not a guarantee. It's a negative prediction. And I need to take the pressures off myself for tomorrow. Learning. One step at a time.

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rainydiary

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2021, 12:08:02 AM »
Pioneer, your description of dreading the day after a good day resonates with me.  Itís difficult to allow myself to feel good.  I think that when I was growing up even feeling good wasnít safe.  For me Iíve had to remind myself every day I am safe and I am finding that I am starting to trust myself more.  I often feel more neutral than I have in the past.  I have been wondering lately if I will ever feel good most of the time.  I hope so and I hope so for you too.  I hope you have more time in the garden with your child - I agree with you about the way gardening can feel.  I hope you find more of those times. 

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #33 on: January 23, 2021, 04:02:00 AM »
Thank you for sharing and for your insights, rainydiary! They have helped me a lot as I've processed the idea of not feeling safe when I feel ok (or not feeling safe when I don't feel ok) and not trusting myself when I try to convince myself that I am safe. I am gradually getting better at this, but it is a long climb. I hope that we both continue to experience what it feels like to feel good and safe!
I have spent more time outside working a little bit and just hanging out with my family. I have a cold right now, so I am trying to learn to be safe even as I don't feel all that great physically. It  is a learning process.

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #34 on: January 27, 2021, 09:30:12 PM »
I am trying to go easy on myself and rest at the moment. I think I am becoming more aware of how I am feeling which is empowering and tiresome in it's own way. I am getting better at communicating with my husband. This might sound weird, but I am beginning to see him as a human again. I lost touch with that as trauma told me to be afraid of him and to "defend myself" against him. I am seeing him with his own needs (and letting that be ok) and I'm getting better at listening to him instead of trying to control the situation.  We are learning to be friends again.

I feel a deep type or tired right now. We have so much going on as a family. Between bad colds this past week, trying my best to homeschool my six-year-old, doing household tasks and special maintenance and cleaning tasks since this house needed it when we moved in, my husband's health issues, our grief, other responsibilities and prepping and planning, and trying to learn to support him.

I also have health issues that need further pursuit and that is very stressful for us. I have an appointment with a new doctor tomorrow, and it's taking a lot of my emotional energy to prepare for that.

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notalone

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #35 on: January 27, 2021, 10:04:13 PM »
I'm glad that you are allowing yourself some time to go easy on yourself and rest. You are juggling a lot. Being more aware of what you are feeling being both empowering and tiresome makes sense to me. It really is both of those.

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2021, 07:24:46 PM »
Thank you notalone for validating me! Your words are comforting  :hug:

The doctor I met with yesterday was really nice and so was the nurse, so that was very helpful and calming to my fears and agitations. I will need to have a not-so-fun procedure on Wednesday to try to discover the exact location of the issue. And then if that goes well, we will schedule a surgery to hopefully completely take care of it. I am relieved in a sense that it is moving forward. But I also feel very stressed. I was handling it well overall yesterday, but I woke up with the child side of me feeling very stressed and scared.

When I woke up, I felt stressed and scared and my brain was "full", and I was able to recognize that the child part of me (maybe around age 9 this time) was driving. The awareness of that is an improvement. I tried comforting myself with the adult part of me.

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TW


And then I had a quick and very sudden vision of Jesus quickly touching my belly with both of His hands. He didn't say anything, but the touch seemed to quickly dispel all the inner critic voices that were attacking. He was silently there to reassure me that He knows all of it, and He was there to protect me. 

Around that time I was able to roll over and with a raspy voice (still getting over a cold) was able to tell my husband that the kid side of me was driving. He said that he was with me and said "stay with us" (instead of running away). I told him that the adult me and him were both with me and that helped a lot - I breathed a deep sigh and felt a lot of relief.

I am still feeling overwhelmed today and buried in my mind and the kid part has still been there all day. It makes sense that she is scared. I want her to know that she doesn't need to carry the full weight of it. She is just a kid and doesn't need to do that anymore. She wanted hot chocolate for breakfast and later said, "ugh, coffee is for grown ups". So, I had hot chocolate, and then some coffee a bit later :)

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #37 on: February 05, 2021, 01:44:43 PM »
My procedure went well on Wednesday and the doctor found the issue. I am so thankful. It's been over two years of waiting. I learned that I will need a different doctor to do surgery to resolve the issue, and I feel anxiety over that. But if I look at the bright side, I'm just so thankful that it's moving forward.

I have had a lot of emotional downturn in the past week or longer due to my health. I have been thinking a lot of my abusers, obsessing and fantasizing about my procedure and health and blocking off my husband. I am ashamed. But I know that compassion and moving forward are mine for the taking.

I hope I can have the compassion for myself, grounding in the truth and courage to take the pressure off myself and just be.

I worked a lot on preparing our garden plot yesterday with my 6-year-old. I hope we can do more today. It's good for me to get my hands on the dirt. I decided to really cut back on homeschool so we can prepare the garden before I have surgery, which really takes the pressure off me. I think homeschool will be easier when I'm more confined to the couch while I'm recovering (whenever that ends up being). So, it looks like we are taking a bit more of an old-school approach where kids helped farm in the Spring and did school at other times. That works for me!

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notalone

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #38 on: February 06, 2021, 03:17:13 PM »
Pioneer,
I'm glad your procedure went well and that you know the next step. Good job reaching our to your husband. It sounds like he was able to respond with compassion. Awesome that Jesus gave you comfort in that way.

Some of the best schooling is hands-on, especially with a six-year-old. I would mark off working in the garden as school time.

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #39 on: February 09, 2021, 05:17:01 AM »
Thank you notalone! Your words are really encouraging and affirming for me!  :hug:

I have been enjoying some outside time with my kids and with getting our garden ready. Our fun & various seeds arrived in the mail this weekend! And we planted some in pots inside today. I did start to sabotage the fun of the family opening up the package of seeds the other day, but I was able to turn it around with the exhortation of my husband. And I didn't sabotage much with the planting of the seeds today, so that's a win.

TW
I am doing a lot better than I was a few days ago. A few days ago, I was scarily in a bad place. I hadn't been so low or depressed in a while. I had suicide ideation which hasn't been the case much for several months - since I started taking an antidepressant. I am going to talk to my physician tomorrow about CPTSD and its affect on me - I am using some forms from OOTS to show her. She might recommend that we slightly up my dose of antidepressant. It has helped me so much since I started taking it this past summer. It has helped me to be more myself which has allowed me to gradually do the hard work of processing and recovery. With all the additional stress of loss recently and my procedure and surgery, I wonder if we should increase it slightly. I wasn't real eager to increase it before, especially since most of the time I did really well (except for those down days that still come regularly). But seeing as its helped so much, it might not be a bad idea to see if it could help a little bit more. It can't take the place of recovery, but it does stabilize me quite a bit and I am able to feel good emotions too and process sorrow.

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Pioneer

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Re: Pioneer's Journal
« Reply #40 on: February 10, 2021, 03:48:42 AM »
My appointment today went well. I briefly talked to my physician about having CPTSD and that my depression and anxiety are comorbidities of that. I asked her about potential counseling and she said we could do that and she could refer me. I told her that it would need to be someone who knows about gaslighting and PTSD (I don't know how familiar they are with CPTSD). And she said that she had a couple of people in mind and that I could try it. She said not everyone feels counseling is right for them. It's nice not to feel pressured into it. So, I might give that a try.

I had a bad experience with a counselor in the past, so I feel a little bit nervous. I had a decent experience shortly after that time, but we never got to the heart of the issue so it was only so helpful. I was still being abused by my NPs at the time and I didn't understand that or the extent of it.

We are also going to slightly increase my antidepressant and I think that's a good call right now. My husband is with me and helped me process my decision after the fact which I was struggling with mentally and emotionally. He is there for me.

Possible TW
As I was still in the process of writing this I heard a commotion outside, and we realized that a raccoon was getting all of our chickens. None are left. We haven't been in a place to close them into their coop early at night. My h reminded me that was the risk we were taking of not closing them in until so late. I had a flashback to my narcisstic F being so condemning and hateful about my animals. I told my husband about all that which was good.

He also expressed his feelings about life falling apart after we got the chickens and his frustration of not being able to care for them like he'd like to. I tend to get EFs when he shares vulnerabilities with me. I want to be there for him too. I think writing this out helps me process.

It will get better. This will pass. We can make it through. We are still making progress with healing.